Guilt Ridden

Dear Paul,1

I wish I could tell you this is person. 2

Everyday I am reminded of what I did to you, it’s eating me up inside. I just want you to know that since Monday, June 21, 2004 at 1:12 a.m. I have not experienced one bit of joy. Since then my sister got married, and my best friend had a baby. I still felt no joy; knowing I ended your life because of pure stupidity. I know no excuse is good enough, but I really thought I could handle driving. The party wasn’t that crazy, and I could walk somewhat straight so I figured I could drive straight. I am so sorry for that misjudgment. 3

I wish with all my heart I could switch places with you, so you could be the one seeing your children grow up. My dad was shot when I was young, so I can relate to what they’ll have to go through. I would do anything to take that uncertainty away from them. 4

I will never forget you or what I did to you.5

Sincerely, Lilly. 6

* * *7

Dear Lilly,8

I am a shadow of what I used to be, but what I did to you and your father will haunt me forever. I’m sorry that your dad was working the till that morning. 9

You have to understand my story; I am a victim too. Somebody stole my identity. It may sound like nothing compared to losing your father, but I lost everything. My wife left me because she thought all our money went to gambling, she took everything I had left. At first I was in high spirits, but I couldn’t find a job.10

I decided that I deserved something for losing everything so I robbed your dad’s store. This is a decision I regret every single minute. The original plan was to just use the gun for show, but your dad didn’t want to lose his earnings. 11

I didn’t really want to kill him, but I needed the money. I did get the money, but I almost wish I got caught. Now I have to live with the fact that I killed a man because of selfishness. Words cannot describe the remorse I feel. 12

Everyday I look in the mirror and I see a murderer. 13

Oscar.14

* * *15

Dear Oscar,16

I know I don’t deserve it, but I hope you’ll forgive me for stealing your life.17

I know it’s a tall order, but the guilt is killing me. My health is literally deteriorating, and I know it’s from what I did to you, and about twenty others. 18

I am so sorry for taking everything you worked so hard for. Doing what I did to you has torn a place in me; it will never be filled. The worst twist in this whole thing is that I took all you had, simply for fun. I didn’t need the money, or the trouble. I was just testing my limits, being heartless. 19

I could never repay you, not even close; I’m stuck behind bars for the rest of my days. All I can offer is an apology, and I know you have no reason to take it. 20

I wish you could see this.21

Lee.22

* * *23

Dear Lee,24

I failed you as a parent.25

I was the one responsible to bring you up right. I was the one that needed to teach you to be a good human being, help you to build a good future. I was the only thing you had, and I wasn’t worth having. I blew the privilege of parenting.26

Instead of teaching the good traits, all you picked up from me was the ability to practice heartlessness. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize that I taught you the wrong thing.27

In teaching you the wrong thing, I ruined many people’s lives, including yours. Now many people have nothing, and you have to spend your days in a cold cell. Everything you have to offer is cooped up in concrete, and I am the one to blame.28

I am so sorry for failing you. I’ll make sure it can never happen again.29

I love you with all my heart.30

Meghan.31

* * *32

Dear Meghan,33

I often wonder what could have been, and I regret leaving you with nothing but a baby. 34

I can’t imagine how hard it was to raise a child on your own. It wasn’t right of me to just leave because I was unsure of what would happen. If I could redo it, I would have stayed at your side for all of eternity. It saddens me deeply that I could have had a family, but instead I left you with nothing, and I don’t even know the name of my child. 35

I owe you everything I have. 36

Every day I see an example of a stable family; one that I long for, and I’m reminded that I passed up the grand opportunity. Every year that passes is another year gone to the child that I have never seen, a year that will be missed. By my calculations, our child should be in their early twenties.37

The regret is so intense, and I need to relieve it. 38

On Monday, the 21st, I am coming to see you, and our child. I hope you’ll let me.39

Paul. 40