Jasmine Ortiz sat in her cell, waiting for that one day where it’d be her last time being in this place. She heard screams, yells, cries for help coming from all around her but she wouldn’t let anything or anyone come in between the memory she was having now. 1
“Good morning baby girl, what would you like for breakfast?” Jasmine could smell pancakes; she had always loved it when her mom cooked, especially when she made pancakes. She walked over to her mom, gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and went to sit down. 2
“I would like pancakes, please.” Jasmine said. When her mom put the plate in front of her, she quickly went for the syrup and poured it all over. 3
Jasmine quickly came back to reality when she heard one of the guards voice. “Dr. Murdoch wants to see you jasmine.” The tall, Hispanic looking guard spoke while the other, not so scary looking, cuffed her. She had been through this routine ever since she got here. Four years had passed and yet the warden thought jasmine still needed a therapist. 4
Walking down the aisles of cells, jasmine would never look up. She was scared that if maybe she caught a glimpse of where she had been the past four years of her life, she wouldn’t be able to take it anymore. 5
***** 6
“Why are you here jasmine?” Dr. Murdoch spoke. He had been jasmine’s doctor since she had arrived. To her, these sessions were so common that his office became her home. He had been the only person who cared about her well-being these last few years. And soon she would be leaving him, and going back to the real world; the reason that brought her here in the first place. 7
“I’ve been a very bad girl.” Jasmine said, with a crooked smile on her face. She had always been sarcastic, ever since she was little. It was the only way to cope with her insecurities. 8
Dr. Murdoch couldn’t stand her when she got like this. “You ran away from home jasmine, that’s why you’re here.” His deep green eyes were trying to analyze Jasmine. Her movements, Things she said, The way her eyes spoke interested him. He wanted to dig into her, go below the surface. Of course he had been trying that for years, but she gave nothing. 9
Jasmine stayed silent for a few minutes. To her, there was no home. She would Never forgive her mom. “And is that a good enough reason to lock me up for four years?” That was all jasmine managed to say, leaving that night’s consult at that. 10
Author notes
I started to write this story because i wanted to get a point across. Keep tune for more. Oh, and let me know what you think in a comment.
In a list
A contest entry
- I want sad stories, sad love stories, whatever you want to enter! by Clary--Selene--Tayy.
300 points, ended August 27, 34 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Give me your best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! by Queenie-Chan.
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• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Anything goes Prompts and Non-Prompts by GrimDeath.
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• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
What did you think? let me know in a comment.
Comments
1 - 46 of 46
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I loved that. I ran away from home once, so I can totally get what jasmine is getting across. I salute you.
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Great start, it got my attention and I would love to read more of this story in the future. Great job keep it up and good luck in the contest.
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this is interisting you've grabbed my attention but try and seperate where shes thinking in memory with maybe italics or soemthing?
good job.
Hunter~
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Make sure to always capitalize proper nouns. Maybe get someone to edit your stories before showing anyone else? (That's what I do.)
I like the mystery in this story.
Good one!
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Very interesting. You've definetely got my attention. I can't wait to read the next installment. You've got something good here - it's just a matter of developing it properly so it's plausible, yeah?
As far as criticisms go - just a few grammatical things here and there (I'm a REAL stickler for grammar), but not so bad that it takes away from the story. Let me know if you want specs.
Overall, fabulous job ^_^ -
very good!
the story sounds very interesting,the beginning immediatly made me curious to find out the rest. the fact that you made Jasmine scared of where she was, was really good, it made her seem more realistic.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 3, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Wow, do you really get locked up for four years for running away from home? I didn't know that!
Anyways, Itwas a great story, but I wish there was a bit more about Jasmine. But it really hooked me in the story, wanting to know why she ran from home but still misses breakfast with pancakes and why she wont forgive her mother. I guess I'll have to read the other stories =D
great job! keep writting!
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With such a short intro, it will be hard to tough on a few things (like characterization), but I'll do my best.
Firstly, there are some errors in here, that could easily be avoided by rereading. For instance, you repeatedly forget to capitalize Jasmine's name, or capitalize words that don't need to be capitalized. In P9, you have the sentence "Her movements, Things she said, The way her eyes spoke interested him." Well, you don't need to capitalize things or the. So change them to lower case, please. That, or you could change the commas to periods. Whichever way you choose will work.
Now, I don't think she would be sent to Juvie just because she ran away from home. I know quite a few people who have been sent to Juvie, and they went because they actually committed crimes, like grand theft auto, battery, possession and resisting arrest...And even for crimes like that, the latest they were confined is three months. Four years is a bit much to me. If you want more info on running away, check out this website: http://www.abanet.org/genpractice/newsletter/lawtrends/0508/family/runaway.html That's what I looked at.
Hope my review was helpful. Since this was such a short bit, there wasn't much for me to comment on. Guess I'll have to read the rest of the story, then.
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yes i know about running away and that you can't get four years. that'll all be answered and explained in later chapters.. which i don't think you've read.
the chapters of this story are kind of short, well the first 5 i think will be. the rest will be long, so keep tuning in if you want longer episodes
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Short, sweet, and an excellent opening.
Grabs your attention and gets you curious what happened and what's going on. It seemed sort of rushed but I find rushed begnings easily excused if it's captivating enough.
'Walking down the aisles of cells, jasmine would never look up. She was scared that if maybe she caught a glimpse of where she had been the past four years of her life, she wouldn’t be able to take it anymore.'
I loved that paragraph. You were able to put in that simply statment, that the place she was, was not a happy place to be. You imply the fear here very well here I think.
B.N
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But I was talking about the whole story. 1 part is good and fished me to part tw
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In one word: Inspirationa
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A very interesting beginning. Not wanting her to look around was a good touch.. Seeing things can make the very real... I like how you leave the reader wondering what t was she had done.. that is good. It makes the reader curious as to what had happen, therefore wanting them to read more. Only error I sa was that you should captitilze Jasmines name. I'll definetly be reading more.
I wasn't sure how much of a comment you wanted. Let me know and then I'll read your next chapter.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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It's pretty good so far. I think there could be a bit more description, and really bring out the main character a tad bit more. I'll go and read the other chapters of it, and comment.
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I like how this was written, don't take my comment the wrong way.
It started out nicely, but as I was reading sounded a little rushed. You might have wanted to give a little backstory and told more about her character.
That is all, nicely done.
~Len -
The beginning is shorter than what I'm used to, but it's good. I'd like to see what you're going to do with this 'And is that a good enough reason to lock me up for four years?' That was my favorite line. Very good. I'll definitely check out the other chapters soon!
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mmmmmmmmm pancakes
Lol, thank you for entering my contest, I enjoyed reading this story and I look forward to reading for of your work in the future
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Good Start
This is a good beginning, and I am interested to read more. I do have many questions, but I know that they will clear up. You had a few grammatical errors- for example when you put commas, several times you would capitalize the next word, when it's not necessary.
You did well with description, and introduced the characters nicely. Make sure to build on them, and add emotion, it makes the reader really enter the story, and know exactly how the characters feel. Those are somethings I have not done, and it really takes away from the story.
I just have to say good luck, and I hope when i read the next it will be as good as this!
~mememe6~
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This is a great beginning and it was very nice. I loved it. I really did. I just want to say in this line:
"Her movements, Things she said, The way her eyes spoke interested him." the words between the commas besides the beginning of the sentence does not have to be capitalized. Just thought I would say that. Anyways, I cannot wait to read more!! -
This is a great beginning that you have here. I can't wait to be able to read more. I loved how in places you just put things that were so extreme. It is completely awesome and please continue on! Good job, keep writing,
~Autumn -
I've read all you have on this story so far, and I love it. I have to know hat happens next! I don't want to give away anything for those that haven't read on yet, but WOW
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it's beleivable just a "troubled kid" and her shrink
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wow, this is really nice starting chapter, aroused my intrest for next chapter. you know i love your choice of simple wording and dialogs. you are doing goood dear, keep writing and keep smiling too.
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This is a great start to a story I loved it and will definatly keep reading. It is definitly a great attention puller.
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Great start
I am intrigued, this could really go somewhere. It's hard to imagine why she would be locked up just for running away though - so I'm guessing there's more to it. I love that she is refusing to cooperate - I already like this girl
'It'd' in the first line is maybe a bit clumsy
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Great start here! I love the description you put into the story so far. That makes a huge difference! Describing such things as the way the doctor looked at her, the color of his eyes, and all of the body language added a lot to the story.
Also you did great with the dialogue! It was unique and individual to the characters. It wasn't generic.
Great work and I look forward to reading the rest.
P.S. There were a few small grammatical errors such as not Capitalizing Jasmine's name in the story. Polishing the few small errors will render a perfect story! -
This is an awesome first chapter. Jeez, put in jail for 4 years because she ran away. I understand Juvenile Detention but jail. Anyways, I was really captivated by this first chapter.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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Awesome!
I feel like i seriously need to know why she ran away. you are a very good writer. keep it up!
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Well done.
I like this story so far. I think you could work a little more on the characters but it's very interesting. The only question it leaves me with is why is she in jail for four years if her only crime was running away from home, but maybe you had planned to reveal this later in the story. There are a few small errors that I'm sure you will find if you slowly read the story over aloud. That's a good way to find mistakes. A couple that come to mind are "Walking down the aisles of cells.' I felt it would sound better if you had said, Walking down the aisles between the cells. And then at the end you refer to her consultation with her shrink as a consult instead of a consultation. The others are quite minor mistakes. I think you have a very interesting story in the making here. Well done. -
Very good beginning.
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Interesting beginning
Hi, you asked me to read and comment. Everything I say, other than the spags are just suggestions.
This sounds like it will be a very interesting story. Some of your sentences are a bit awkward.
#1 First sentence, try this:
Jasmine Ortiz sat in her lonely cell, dreaming of the last day she would have to spend in this place.
second sentence: She heard the cries of her cellmates but would not let them disturb the memory she was enjoying.
#3 she quickly went for the syrup and poured it all over...reread this sentence and see if you can find another way of writing it that wouldn't sound so awkward.
I see others have already pointed out that Jasmine always needs to be capitalized. Proper names always are.
It sounds like you will be a very good storyteller. Just keep reading each sentence and trying to figure out how you could write it that says the same thing but reads a little smoother.
#10 never should not be capitalized.
It just take practice. I think you will do quite well and if you have any questions, just ask.
Trish
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A short first chapter, but good. It lured you in.
I'm quite good with grammar, so these are a couple mistakes.
The tall, Hispanic looking guard spoke while the other, not so scary looking, cuffed her.
No capital on 'hispanic'.
Walking down the aisles of cells, jasmine would never look up.
“Why are you here jasmine?” Dr. Murdoch spoke. He had been jasmine’s doctor since she had arrived.
Dr. Murdoch couldn’t stand her when she got like this. “You ran away from home jasmine, that’s why you’re here.”
All of those, need capitals for Jasmine's name.
Otherwise, well done,
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it's good
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Hi again!
Oops, should have read this first... apologies.
This is much better from a grammar and ease of read point of view, compared to Juvenile[2]. However, the styles are the same and they work well together. You reveal a lot about Jasmine in these few words - particularly her insecurities and her depression at being incarcerated as long as she was (geez, 4 years for running away from home?)
I think you have the beginnings here of a good extended story, with powerful characterisation of the main character.
Again, a few pointers:
para 1 - "having now" probably better "now having".
para 2 - after the quote from Jasmine's mom, suggest starting a new paragraph - since the words thereafter is from Jasmine's POV, not her mom's.
para 4 - "guards' voices."
para 5 is especially good.
para 7 "spoke" might not be quite right in this context - perhaps "queried"?
para 9 - "Things" should be "things". Same with "The way.."
para 10 - "Never" should be "never" or "NEVER". "jasmine" should be "Jasmine".
thanks again,
Gez
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Ah part 2 makes more scents now
Woah thats a good beginning seriously!beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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oh oops i read the 2nd part first SW puts things upsidedown more recent goes on top sorta confusein
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This is GREAT!!!
I really do like these type of stories and its hard to find a good one. I am definitely interested on how this is going to go. You need to write faster. lol I'll check out the next chapter either tonight or tomorrow
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Love to hear more!
I'd love to hear what the rest of this is going to be, intriguing! Just a small note to check your capitals: Jasmine should always have a J, and there are a few stray CAPs in Paragraph 9.
It could be difficult for the reader to relate to Jasmine's situation, so you might want to think about some more ways of describing how she feels.
Great start, can't wait for more!
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Well written, though I do agree that she would have to do more than just run away to have 4 years.
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Very awesome plzz write more
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i always love stories like this. continue plz.
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I enjoyed this very much, keep going with it.
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Very good writing =) Just wondered some things though, why is she in prison for running away? Did she do something more that would get her there, cause i'm not sure that would get you sent there. I like the flashbacks, I believe that's what would really happen. They hang on to the past to escape their present. I also like her attitude when obviously she's been through so much. It's nice that she can still keeps her personality in such a bad place. Keep going, it's great that you started this =)
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amazing write more
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its nice, could be better... with like detail and what else.
like, would a jail cell be stinky or is her hair black... mor detail would make it excelent. but its ok. -
I like it, continue?
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