I woke up in a dark room, my head was spinning, I was dizzy, disoriented, the last clear memory I had was from the beautiful blue eyed stranger, his dazzling smile, and the apple martini he offered me. I should have known better, I thought I did. Stupid, naive me! 1
My body felt limp, I tried to scream, but I had no voice. I tried to move, but the heavy chains attached to my ankles and arms pulled my body tightly against the hard surface.2
I tried to look around desperate for some recognition, but the darkness made it hard for me to see, the cold air raised goose bumps on my body,and I noticed I was naked.3
A sharp noise startled me and a blinding light shot brightly to my face. I felt the presence of someone standing behind me, I rolled my eyes back and tried desperately to see who it was.4
I felt a sharp pain on my neck, a needle being inserted, instantly I felt my body relax, a feeling of pleasure and relaxation as I'd never felt before, my mind was aware, but my body couldn't respond.5
A wheeled table was brought to my left side, I glanced to see a series of metallic instruments, my mind was racing, my body was limp. I saw a hand reach for one of the metallic instruments on the table beside me, my eyes stared in horror as I saw the thin blade shine and reflect a glimpse of light into the face of the man holding it.6
I gasped in horror, I knew that man, more than that, I once loved that man. He came closer to me, with one hand he dropped the hood that was covering his head, he smiled acidly and said:
"Hello my love. You seem surprised to see me. You might be wondering why am I doing this to you, or even how did you get here, well darling it's all very simple. I shall start at the beginning though, to refresh your memory.7
You were my high school sweetheart, my homecoming queen, my first one. I gave you my love, my heart, my life. You were my bride, my dream coming true, but you left me standing at the altar, all by myself, you threw my love in the trash,you humiliated me, you made me cry."8
He ran the blade softly from my chin, along my neck and stopped at my bellybutton.9
" You were good in making promises weren't you?" He said as he leaned closer to me, his face an inch from mine, I could feel his breath on my mouth.10
He licked the contour of my lips, I wanted to bite his mouth off his face, if all the effort wasn't in vain.
" Darling, you were so easy to catch, a cheap sedative, fifty bucks and a random good looking stranger was all it took me to have you here, the way I always wanted."11
The memory of the night before was now brighter then ever-- the good looking guy, all the sweet talk, the poisoned apple martini...12
"I had planned it simple, I was going to get you here, get what you promised me, and walk away with my trophy in hands. The cops would find you here a couple days later-- another victim of an horrendous crime, a serial killer on the rise perhaps, they would never know."13
Panic flooded my mind as realization of my future was made clear. I was going to die here, by the hands of this sick bastard.14
"But honey, seeing you laying down, your sweet, tender, defenseless naked body, make me want to fuck you in ways you never imagined possible before."15
Now I just wanted to die, if I could I would kill myself before he did any of that to me, I would never be able to live with the memories of it, not even for a second, I'd rather die now than having this bastard touching me that way.16
He laughed darkly, as if he could read my thoughts.17
"No worries, sweetheart, I'm only interested in one thing, the most important of them all. I'm here to claim what you said would always be mine-- your heart."18
With a victorious smile on his face, he leaned closer pressing the sharp knife into my chest, I wanted to talk, to say something, to scream for help! But my mouth was numb, I had no voice, I had no strength. I stared at him helplessly, like a sheep to the slaughter.
A contest entry
- H is for HORROR by Intoxica.
300 points, ended July 18, 12 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Psychological Thriller Anyone? by circularmoose.
300 points, ended July 20, 5 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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This was wonderful,it kept me until the end.I liked the whole plot behind the story,the creepy monologue(though I think you could do better)and of course the end.I just love these kind of endings.You showed perfectly his fucked up character from the things he said,with no help from the narrator,which is pretty cool.So he wanted the heart.He took the heart.Pretty intresting.You can continue this you know,some kind of series.A seriall killer is always intertaining.
GOOD JOB.
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A brilliant, slightly traditional crime story! But very well-done indeed!
I love some of the descriptions, especially some of the creepier parts!
Excellent work, Crys!
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Good, suspenseful, descriptive and creepy. It held my interest throughout and wanted me to beg for more (only to find that I had scrolled down and read it all by that point
).
The only slight mistake I caught was in paragraph 19:
" No worries sweetheart, I'm only interested in one thing, the most important of them all, I'm here to claim what you said it would always be mine-- your heart."
there's a space between the opening quote marks and 'No' that you need to get rid of. comma before sweetheart. Also need to get rid of the word 'it'. I also feel this sentence is a bit long and could be broken down into two sentences for smoother flow.
For example if you choose to revise:
"No worries, sweetheart, I'm only interested in one thing and the most important of them all. I'm here to claim what you said would always be mine-- your heart."
It is only a suggestion though.
Overall, I really did enjoy the read. Dark, wonderful short tale here.
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Woah....this story is made of pure awesome-your reader can feel the fear and dread of the victim and your story is so realistic as to what could happen it only makes it all the more frightening. Great job!
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Great!
I liked it.
Good description, especially at the start.
I think maybe it wasn't subtle enough with the speech and that you could maybe have put more effort into description, but that would have made it really long...and lets face it, long stories on a screen can be very nauseating.
I like the length, and how it didn't take blood and gore to chill my bones.
And the last sentence was bloody awesome!
I like the simile thingy...comparing it to the about-to-be-slaughtered sheep...
Very nice touch with "I'm here to claim what you said would always be mine-your heart"
Leaves readers in a sort of suspension, knowing what he intends to do, but still wanting to read more...
I see no spelling or grammar errors...which is good...but then i might not have noticed if i was completely plunged into this...which is also good coz i'm nitpicky...
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yeah!! bronze is great!!! Thanks, and thanks for the comment! I was planning on doing it a lot more descriptive, but like you said it would have made it too long... anyways, thanks for hosting such a great contest!!
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WOW AND OMG . . .
THAT . . . . .WAS . . . . . .AWSOME!!!! Didnt see that coming. That wasn't only just full of tension, it was eye catching . . . no it was so real. It fwlt like something you'd see on the news where a young woman was "brutally murdered in the basement of an abandoned house in Ammityville." LOL But really though you had me form beginning to end and was real, and thats what catches my attion and u surelly didn't have to try too hard to get it!
beginning: 3, language: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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Full of tension
Again another good job done.
Any chance you could add a little bit of light. It would make more sense,'I glanced to see a series of metallic instruments,' 'my eyes stared in horror as I saw the thin blade shine and reflect a glimpse of light into the face of the man holding it.
Sorry to be a liitle too fussy.
Give me more.
Dave
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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Wow! Intense
That is one scary story and you wrote it so well. I found just a few little spags, but the story is great.
#3 darkness made [it] hard for me to see, the cold air raised goose bumps [on] my body,
#6 I [new] that man...should be knew
Good luck in the contest.
Trish
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I have to say I've read those same basic ideas lots of times before, abandoning a wedding, wanting revenge, drugged beverage it's nothing new.
But it was very well written and you ended it really nicely.
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Uh-huh, this is so good. Me like. There is so many... Things in this one. On a first glance it's a story as old as drugs-in-the-drinks, but it's not. It superb, so nicely done. Great, just great.
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