Kyle pushed the stocks of the brittle pussy willow aside as we neared the lake. They sounded like the sandpaper the boat builders use to smooth their hulls.1
The lake was deserted, as we stopped at the bank. Water Violets floated gracefully at the water's edge. The Violet’s lilac flowers shined their feathery faces to the sun.2
Quinn's scaled body wasn't making the normally serene lake water tap against the banks, but a pair of otters was. They playfully dived and splashed; lying clams or muscles on their sleek bellies. We watched in fascination as one used a rock to smash open the thick shell.3
I glanced at Kyle as he lightly touched my shoulder. "Quinn’s not here. Let's try up towards the cave."4
I nodded as I followed him through the willows again. We trudged a bit through the dense growth. Kyle mannered appreciative sounds as he surveyed my work.5
I beamed, pleased. All around the trees I had planted were maturing. Palm-sized leaves waved in the warm breeze as we passed through a grove. The rough, wrinkled bark showed a maze, where you could follow up or down the trunk. Between them, thick evergreen bushes grew, each dotted with a variety of colors.6
Dust puffed up as we walked an animal trail. I smelled the musky scent of leather warmed from the sun, as I took a drink trying to clear the grit from my dry mouth.7
We came out of a stand of pine trees following the brook I had created when I'd first come here. The scent of crushed pine and mud brightened my mood. That was one of the best reasons I created worlds, the smell.8
The blue sky, that had been absurd before, felt like I could reach out and touch. I hadn't realized we had been on an incline. It was subtle, my breathing wasn't labored. There were only a couple more yards to the cave entrance.9
I remembered waking up there. It had been cold and dark. I had brought light and warmth as the first step in creating a world. I wasn't sure why, when starting a new world I pass out.10
I grabbed Kyle's upper arm to stop him. I dropped my hand quickly. It felt almost as if someone had rubbed bare feet across a Master's rug and then touched me, giving me a shock.11
If Kyle felt anything he didn't show it, but turned to me. From our viewpoint we could see above the trees in the valley.12
The meadow was passed the river and before the lake, but, we couldn't see it through the trees when we had been in the grove. It was just as I had left it. It was liked a painting I'd seen once. Gold strokes showed the sun dried grass, splashes of green and pastel colors were scattered throughout.13
What was changed was Quinn standing in the middle, wings beating rapidly. Behind him the grass blew in waves. His scales shined brightly, reflecting the sun, almost blinding me. His head rose high in the sky, only to be jerked back down. Lines were running down from his sides and legs. I realized they were ropes. At the end were tiny people. Only I knew they weren't really tiny. They were small because of where I was standing.14
"Kyle, look there." I pointed right.15
"Whose that with Quinn?" he asked, clearly not as concerned as I was.16
I started down the path again. "I don't know, but they've got him tied up," I called. I didn't wait to see if Kyle was following me. I didn't know who those people were or what they were doing. Quinn needed me there, and that's where I was to be.17
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Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Still a great story
The idea of growing a world is so clever. I hope she can rescue Quinn.
#13 I think passed the river should be past the river
# Whose that with Quinn?
Shouldn't it be Who's
Great job as always.
Trish
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I love this story; I really do
The scene at the end with the "little" people reminds me of Gullivers Travels
I am enthralled by the way you describe things, giving them an indelible image on the mind
and I noticed that once again you managed to slip in your 'favourite' sense ie smell
I am about to partake in a glass of Baileys in celebration of the fact I spotted something the masterful Greg missed
para 6: All around the trees I had planted were maturing - I believe a comma is required between 'around' and 'the'
This is a wonderful story that meanders along at a steady, rhythmic pace and is so enjoyable because of that.
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Uh oh! Who the heck is messing with Quinn?
Though Sabrina says the people look tiny because they are far away, they are still small in comparison to Quinn. Does that means he has grown huge?
And where the heck did people come from to be on her planet anyway? Hmm.
Things are getting interesting here.
Can't wait to see what she finds when she gets down there.
Greg
Oh yeah, the small stuff:
p3. lying - laying clams...
p5. 'Kyle mannered appreciative sounds as he surveyed my work.'
Mannered should be changed to murmured or something similar. It is being used as a verb in this sentence, when mannered is actually an adjective. *I think*
p8. smell - smells
p9. 'The blue sky, that had been absurd before, felt like I could reach out and touch.' Not sure what word you were going for with absurd, but I doubt the sky was being senseless or ridiculous. Looks like you were going for distance or height, from the last part. It also needs 'it' added after touch as written now.
p10. 'I wasn't sure why, when starting a new world I pass out.'
Might just be me, but I think it would read better as ...why, 'but' when... Either way, I think it funny that she passes out first. *laughs*
p13. passed - past the river , doesn't need comma after but , sun dried - sun-dried
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Hey Sage,
Good chapter here! Reads well with good imagery. Dialogue flows well. Saw a couple of things you might want to look at. Para1-line1 'stocks' or 'stalks'? Para3-line2 'otters were'. Para5-line2 mannered? Not quite sure that fits. Did you leave out a word or two? Para13-line1 'the meadow was past', same para-line3 'like'. That's it
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Who is messing with Quinn? Curious is what I am. I'm not sure whether to read on when next you post or wait and read all chapters together. Continuity is a problem when reading. Love your story though.
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Yeah! Another chapter. I have been waiting. I keep logging in just to see. Great Job! I wonder what the jolt she felt was? ANd who is messing with Quinn?
Lovely as always. I found a few things but I don't have time right now.. Ijust logged in and saw it ws up. I had to read..
I'll be back.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thanks artag, I can always count on you to read.
I'm glad you liked it and if you want to just IM me those problems, I'd appreciate that.
Thanks again.
Brooke
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