(Evil is something that must be defeated, but what is evil?)1
"Please, it won't happend again" I said, yet he wouldnt stop. I could feel my skin stretch as he gently stroke the sharp dagger against my chest. "Please, Francise. For the love of god, stop!" was heard from the door frame, It was Beatrice. "So you think that it's alright?!, is it alright that this punk steals from us?, we took him in, gave him a roof over his head, and fed him" - Francise shouted. 2
"Please!" - Beatrice begged. 3
I could hear Francise breathe heavily, he was getting mad. I took my chance and crawled away as he was focusing on Beatrice. "Come here baby" he said in a gentle tone. Beatrice walked up to him with careful steps. "It's okay baby, come here" - Francise repeated. There was something in his tone that made Beatrice calm, so she approached him. 4
I on the other hand, didnt trust Francise at all, so i crawled further and further away from them, until i was in the corner of the cold basement. "Francise, my love. Calm do..w." She said, but was stopped in the middle of the sentence, she couldnt breathe. I saw exactly what happened, just as Beatrice tried to calm him, he putted his hand to her throat, and had her hanging in his one-hand grip. "Stand in my way one more time whore, one more time.. and i'l cut your tongue off" he said with a sadistic grin. 5
I knew that he soon would focus on me again, so i did my best to crawl towards the door. I heard Francise drop his wife to the ground. "were do you think you're going punk?" he whispered, in a very entertained tone.6
"nowhere sir" - i answered, hoping that he would show mercy on me. Francise played with his light beard, while he looked at me. "how should i punish you today son?, for the theft of MY hard earned bread" - he asked. the second after, he pointed at the metal table which he used for the making of kosher. 7
I knew exactly what he meant, he wanted me to take of my shirt and lay on the table. i did as i was told. Francise once again played with his dagger over my chest, just to make me nervous, it's his game as always. I closed my eyes and awaited the old familiar feeling. i could feel the skin on my right shoulder get stretched, it felt like stitches was going up again, and my shoulder got warm. "Never, steal from me again" - Francise whispered. when he was done, and the blood was dripping from my shoulder, i putted my shirt back on, and stood next to him.8
This was the next part of what he always does, this is the part when he wants me to understand that he does it for my own good. "I forgive you now son, Friends again?" - Francise said. "Friends again" i answered.
Should i continue this? how's my grammer? does any suiting title pop up in your head?
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Paragraph five "and i'l" should be "and I'll
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Very nice beginning David. I don't like Francise, but there's almost always that one character that everyone loves to hate am I right? There's a few grammar mistakes, but not too many. I can come back in later and send you a corrected version if you want.
As far as the storyline, definately continue. I want to read more.
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very nice(:
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nice!
very nice, and well writen can't wait to read more
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Oh my god, david. This looks like it will be awsome! Love ya, bro!
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GRAMMAAAAAAR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Paragraph Seven : "were do you think you're going punk?" -- 'Were' should be 'Where.'
Other than the minor grammatical errors...I loved this.
Although, the pain 'you' felt could be explained a bit deeper.
I really liked this. You should make it into a seriesss!!! =D
--Becky.
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OMG! SCARY!
That evil bitch man!! KILL HIM!
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Lol, sorry..anyways!, I loved it very much!
It was very suspenseful and scared me! Let's see, paragraph 6, you have "putted his hand"--I think it's "put his hand".
And paragraph 9, "putted my shirt"--I think that's "put my shirt" unless I'm just dumb and not sure what I'm talking about! lol.
Anyways, if you need help with some titles I'll try and help!
bye!!
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thanks and i'd love some help with titles, thanks for the offer
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I. Love. IT!!! contine!! continue!! or!! i will throw marshmellows at you!! and send evil ants to take away your picknick basket!! anyway! rhsi was really good!! a little more detail though. but thats just me! i love it!!!!
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alrighty xD i shall avoid marshmellows and evil ants ^_^ and continue this, thaaaaanks i really appreciate it
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