As he stood smoking solemnly in the middle of the empty streets, another figure appeared in front of him. The figure, covered by a large coat, walked up to and faced the man. There, right in front of him, the figure shed it's coat and revealed itself. The most prominent feature of the creature revealed were two large horns protruding from it's forehead . The rest of the creature looked much like a woman in shape and features, but had unnaturally red skin and a tail quite like that of a lion hanging behind it. The creature had long brown hair with beads in it, hanging down to it's breasts. The only clothing of the creature was a leather bra, leather panties and thigh-high leather boots. The creature had a painted face, dark arabesque patterns covering the top half. Similar patterns were painted in red upon the black leather clothing of the creature. Upon opening it's mouth, the creature revealed large fangs and exceptionally sharp teeth. With a pointy tongue the creature licked it's red ruby lips, and blew a kiss to the man in front of it. 2
"Send word to your mistress that I have no time for petty arguments and fights" the man said to the creature, his voice deep and bored.3
"I have no mistress anymore" said the creature, laughing a beautiful laughter as she smiled at the man.4
"You have left Messalina? Then why do you approach me, daughter of the night?" the man asked, removing his cigar as he spoke.5
"Now that Messalina no longer controls my every move, I have come to avenge all my sisters that have fallen to you, nighthunter" said the creature, it's face forming an evil grin.6
"So be it" said the man, seeing no other option. The next second, a loud bang echoed through the streets alongside the sound of huge wings flapping. The man discarded the flintlock he had just fired, as he pulled out the second one from his belt. The creature had grown wings, and was now circling the air above the man. 7
"I thought you were faster" said the creature, before suddenly diving down towards the man. Pretending to be reloading his gun, the man made himself look oblivious to the advance of the creature, before they were only feet away. With a single motion of his wrist, the man pointed the flintlock at the diving creature, and fired. The bullet went straight through the head of the creature, entering in between the two horns. As the man took a step back, the creature flew face down into the pavement, it's face being crushed. Blood gushed out of the shattered face of the creature as it twitched a few times before calming.8
"And I thought you were smarter" the man said, kneeling next to the creature, before he stood up and walked away. He threw his cigar down next to the creature, setting the seemingly highly flammable blood of the creature on fire. Dark smoke covered the street, as the rain stopped falling and the sun appeared behind the clouds.9
*10
An orange beard surrounded the silly grin of the bald man who opened the door. The man in the slouch hat nodded to him. The man with the silly grin smiled flattered at the recognition, his large ears blushing red.11
"The mistress..." the bald man started, only to be interrupted by the other.12
"Wants me to go straight in" the man in the hat said, waving the bald mans protest away. 13
"Not exactly" the bald man said to himself as the other walked into the room of the mistress, closing the door behind him.14
The room of the mistress was scarcely lit, a single lamp in the middle of the room providing all illumination. The single window in the room was covered by black drapes, and the only visible furniture of the room was a bed. In the bed sat a woman, her naked back being the only thing visible to the man in the hat. Her back was covered by sporadic scars, every one of them glowing faintly orange, like amber. Long black hair went down from her head to the middle of the back, sitting as if glued to her back, caused by the glistening sweat that also covered her. She slowly went up and down, moaning as she pulled her hair. 15
The man in the hat walked over to the single window and tore away the drapes. Suddenly, the lamp in the middle of the room seized to shine, but the entire room was now lit by the sunlight from outside. The woman with the amber scars got up from her position in bed, a young man lying beneath her, trying to cover himself with the bedsheets. The woman stood up and turned towards the man in the hat, her naked body dripping sweat.16
"You're a cunt Kain" the woman said as she walked over to him.17
"I believe that's a cunt" Kain said, scanning the woman with his eyes.18
"Hilarious" she said, as she grabbed Kain's rapier from his belt. She held it towards his throat for a second, before turning around and throwing the rapier across the room. The rapier flew smoothly through the sky, entering the right eye of the naked man in bed, pinning his head to the wall. His body hung limp underneath. She went over to him, placed her right foot on his head as she pulled out the rapier, then decapitated him with a single swing. She kneeled down by his headless corpse, picked up the head, and gave it a final kiss.19
"What a way to waste perfectly good sheets" Kain said seriously, referring to the bloodied mess the bed had now become.20
"Let me go dry my hair and put on some panties" the woman said, leaving the room.21
"Sure, take your time" Kain yawned to himself, sitting himself down on a part of the bed that seemed untouched by bodily fluids. The young man had a pleased look on his severed head, having known long ago that the session would end in his demise.22
"You look stunning as ever Messalina" Kain said and stood up as she entered the room again. Her hair was no longer glued to her back, but rather flowed freely down her shoulders and over her breasts. She had put on some blue silken panties, and her scars had almost stopped glowing.23
"Drop it Kain, tell me why you're here" Messalina said, sitting down in the bed, the blood of the dead man slowly covering her lower body.24
"One of your girls attacked me the other day, one of the Succubi I think, said she had broken free from you or something like that" Kain said as he re-attached his rapier to his belt.25
"Yeah, a whole group of them did, almost all the Succubi" Messalina said as she inspected her sharp scarlet fingernails.26
"Alright, who leads them, where do I find them, and what is the reward?" Kain asked, a hint of excitement spiced his voice. He was eager to get on, get them out of the way, get paid in the progress.27
"They are led by a fool!" Messalina yelled in frustration, picking up the head of the man in her bed, dropping it to the ground before stomping on it. A gruesome crack was heard as she stomped on it again, breaking both skull and skin,prompting red and pink liquid to flow out of the head, one of the eyes popping out of it's socket, followed by a thick yellow liquid. 28
"Your sister, Cathola, I presume" Kain said, leaning up against the window, casting a shadowy outline across the entire room.29
"Yes, Cathola. If she hadn't been involved, it would have been your problem nighthunter, these Succubi are terribly vengeful when it comes to their sisters, but with Cathola involved, it's a whole other deal. You get as many bags of gold as you can carry if you manage to get Cathola back here unharmed, preferably finishing off most of the Succubi first." Messalina also had an urgency in her voice, as if she wanted Kain to hurry.30
"So, where are they?" Kain asked plainly.31
"I believe they are trying to hide in an inn at Mirror Breeze, an inn that is also a brothel. Surely, you know the place" Messalina said as she got up from the bed and pointed at the exit-door.32
"I know the place" Kain said under his breath, lighting a cigar he got from his pocket.33
"Get her..."34
"Alive, yes I know" Kain said, interrupting Messalina, as he walked out of her room, past the man with the orange beard, and out of the church.35
*36
"Why, hello pretty lady, is this the happy house?" Kain leaned towards the barmaid as he whispered the words softly into her ear. She giggled a little before pointing to a door in the back of the room. Kain thanked her, and walked towards the door, when he suddenly stumbled forward as something jumped him. The barmaid, now displaying sharp fangs and glowing yellow eyes, had jumped upon his shoulders, and was now clawing away at him with her sharp and largely overgrown fingernails. Her feet were wrapped around his torso, as if he was giving her a piggyback ride.37
"So be it" Kain said as he grabbed both her legs, bent over and threw her forward. Instead of letting her go and throwing her across the room, he held on and threw her face down into the nearest wooden table. Two elderly gentlemen sitting at the table rushed to their feet and ran out of the inn. After a few seconds, only a young man was left of the guests, he was sick in one of the corners of the room, probably provoked by the sound of the barmaids nose breaking as she had hit the table, or possibly even by the fact that Kain had held her head down to the table, and then acted as executioner as he had fired one of his flintlocks into the back of her head. She had fallen off the table, the exit wound ofKain's explosive bullet being a hole that covered her entire face. The man in the corner fainted as he saw the faceless barmaid, blood squirting from her open wound.38
"All my strumpets, get dressed and stop lying around, death has arrived!" Kain called out as he kicked the door in the back of the room open. Instead of meeting the crowd of Succubi he had expected, he found a long dark hallway. The hallway was longer than the house was, showing that he had now entered something that didn't naturally belong in this world. As he started walking down it, Kain unsheathed his rapier. 39
Cream-white smooth feet with long red nails were the first thing Kain saw of Cathola. His gaze followed her long silken legs up to her thighs, where arabesque patterns were sensually carved into her flesh. White cotton lace panties led his gaze up towards her stomach. Her bellybutton was pierced with a silver ring, and above it was a red corset that was just high enough to slightly covered her nipples. Her neck was enhanced by a silver necklace with a red ruby as the centerpiece. Black lace gloves covered her entire arms, all the way to her long sensual fingers. From her back extended two large black wings, wings like that of a bat. Her eyes were dark blue, like a stormy sea, and her lips were black as coal. Her hair was long and colored sanguine red, two pointy ears slightly protruding from it. 40
"Hey Kain" she said, her voice and eyes as seductive as her body. She approached Kain, her fingers caressing his chest.41
"Hey Cathola" Kain said, swallowing an increasing amount of saliva that had built up around his tongue. To show that her tricks didn't quite work on him, he gently led his rapier up beneath her legs, all the way up until it touched her white panties.42
"Cold" Cathola moaned, as she leaned closer to Kain, her lips nearly touching his ear as she spoke. "Why are you here, nighthunter? Nothing to see here, nothing but flesh."43
"It's that, and blood" Kain said as he slid the rapier along Cathola's inner thigh, cutting it deeply. In the same motion, he turned around and swung his rapier violently through the air. As he had predicted, one of the Succubi stood there, ready to strike him with a dagger. Instead, the succubus had now been cut in two, her lower body falling forward as the top half fell back. Kain barely managed to hold his cape up to protect himself from the gushing spew of blood that followed the separation of the two parts.44
"Now follow me back to your sister. The daughters of the night are missing you Cathola, and they want you back alive for some reason. If it hadn't been for the explicit orders of your sister, you'd have be the one cut in half" Kain said, his rapier now touching Cathola's neck.45
"Kain, you of all people must understand my longing for freedom! For centuries now, we have lived in that church with the other daughters of the night, all along we have been longing for blood and flesh, much more so than the rules of my sister allow us to indulge in!" Cathola said, sincerity in her voice.46
"Yeah, one boy or girl every month to drain of every bodily fluid is not enough for you? Who said you had to have it all in one go, why not just save one to last the entire month? Even more so, how do you expect to get much more than that, when this very village will soon be cleansed of all human life?" Kain asked, waving his rapier around as he spoke.47
"We'll move on" Cathola said plainly.48
"And for that exact reason, your sister founded the church for you and the other daughters of the night, and for that exact reason I must stop you and your crew of Succubi" Kain said, hoping the argument would be over.49
"That reason, and the money" Cathola said.50
"That, and the money, correct" Kain nodded.51
"But you got one thing wrong, nighthunter" Cathola smirked, her tongue teasing him.52
"What? Indulge me darling" Kain said, bored, sighing.53
"My crew is not only Succubi" Cathola giggled.54
"Are you trying to tell me you got something more powerful guarding you? Like, say, an incubus?" Kain laughed at the thought, but Cathola was nodding, her grin only growing.55
"He's right behind me, isn't he? Right here in this narrow bloody hallway. Cathola, you can be a real cunt sometimes" Kain said.56
"I bet you want my cunt, don't you, nighthunter?" Cathola asked, licking her lips.57
"I'll get back to you later" Kain said, pointing harshly at her as he removed the rapier from her neck and turned around to face the incubus he knew was standing behind him, breathing even now at his neck. He could hear Cathola running down the hallway giggling as he turned around.58
The incubus stood only a few feet away from Kain as he had turned around. The incubus had the appearance of a handsome twenty-something year old man with long brown hair and a two-day beard. He wore no clothing, and revealed menacingly long and sharp fingernails. His feet were larger than that of a human, and didn't even have nails, but rather sporting gigantic claws.59
"Right, Cathola can prance around nude, but you my friend should wear some pants!" Kain shouted at the incubus, as the incubus swung for him with his claws. Kain ducked to avoid the claws, and rammed the incubus in the stomach with his head. He knocked the incubus over, and stabbed at it with his rapier, only for the rapier to be kicked away by the claws of the incubus. As Kain backed off, the incubus jumped to it's feet and swung again with his claws. This time, Kain felt the scorching pain in his chest, as both cloth, flesh and blood was torn away from him. He reached for his flintlock gun and fired a shot at the incubus before the creature threw the gun out of his hands. The bullet had went through the chest of the incubus, but didn't even seem to bother it. Then, Kain started running down the hallway.60
"What's the matter, nighthunter, afraid?" the incubus asked in a deep growling voice. The incubus walked slowly after Kain, taking its time, just as Kain knew it would.61
"Not afraid, just clever" Kain said as he grabbed the musket that hung across his back. He slowly pointed it at the head of the incubus, then waited. The incubus then charged at Kain, furious after believing it had disarmed him. The big claws of the creature tore holes in the wooden floor as it ran, and it's nails ripped splinters from the walls as he prepared his lethal attack. When the incubus was close enough to lunge at Kain, Kain fired his musket. Smoke and blood covered the section of the hallway, and a coughing Kain was unable to see anything for quite a while. Waiting for the smoke and blood-particles to settle, Kain reloaded his musket and went to pick up his flintlock and rapier, loading both the flintlock he had used to fire at the incubus, and the one he had killed the barmaid with.62
"What did you think of that Cathola?" Kain asked out loud as he observed what was left of the incubus. The mess on the floor was best described as a bloody pulp, but there were signs of both big claws and long fingernails, though even some of that had been obliterated in the blast. Pieces of skin, bone, blood and brains were all over the walls, ceiling and floor, and quite a bit was still on Kain. He shook some of it off, and removed a large piece of flesh from the brim of his hat.63
As Kain turned away from the bloody pulp that were the remains of the incubus, Cathola was long gone. Down the hallway, there was nothing but perpetual darkness, filling the air as if thicker than it. As Kain kept walking through the hallway, the darkness suddenly felt like an entity on its own, an entity trying to smother him. The darkness crept into his skin, licking his flesh and caressing his very essence, provoking a feeling of being suffocated. The darkness felt so eternal, so powerful and mighty, it felt like death. For a second or two, Kain felt like embracing it, until he caught the subtle scent the darkness carried with it. It was a smell of rot and sulfur, a foul smell that, once he realized was there, he quickly recognized.64
Succubi carry a strongly feminine scent with them, a scent that helps them attract men and women alike, a scent more powerful yet more subtle than any manner of flirtatious approach. Incubi have a likewise masculine odor, designed to attract. More powerful dark creatures like Messalina and Cathola can manipulate their scent by will, and even more powerful creatures can simply choose not to have a scent. Of the more common dark creatures, both ghouls and vampires have a faint smell of rot, yet they carry no smell of sulfur, and often overcompensate by pouring perfume on themselves. Lesser demons often carry the scent of sulfur, a smell Kain found that most people somehow associated with the devil, but they never smell like rot.65
Kain recognized the smell as that of a wraith, more specifically a windwraith. Kain knew how these wraiths could manipulate the very air and wind, and so he came to realize that the darkness he was about to surrender to, was in fact just a wraith trying to drown him in itself. Kain reached for his rapier and swung it across the air a few times. A loud piercing shriek surrounded him, as dark drops of blood ran down his rapier and flew through the air where he had cut. The darkness of the hallway disappeared in a second, and before him was now the wraith in its true form, two bloodied cuts across it's chest. 66
It wasn't until he saw it, that Kain realized he had never before seen a windwraith in its true form. The wraith appeared as a young, but strangely tall, woman. The wraith lacked arms, had long braided hair, and a face that could have been beautiful if it wasn't for the fact that parts of it were simply missing. There was no nose, only two open nostrils in the middle of the face, and the creature had no eyebrows or eyelashes. The lower half of it's naked body was covered in blood, the dark red substance still gushing vigorously out of the two cuts Kain had inflicted, one across the breasts of the creature, and one just beneath them. The pubic hair of the wraith had been cut into the resemblance of an inverted cross, blood coloring it red. It seemed to have been naturally blond, as was the braided hair on it's head. 67
"Wraith, go back to whence you came, or die by my sword" Kain said, his rapier pointed at the spot between the eyes of the creature.68
"But I came from the underworld, and death is the only way back" the wraith said, it's voice being a shrieking whisper that sent chills down Kain's spine.69
"So be it" Kain said as he swiftly cut through the head of the wraith with his rapier. A single circular motion made the sword cut through the soft flesh and tissue of the neck, leaving only a fountain of blood where the head had once been. The head fell to the ground, smiled, then caught fire. Kain kicked it down the hallway, back towards the corpse of the incubus. "And you ignorant bitch, death is not the only way back. Simply the most efficient one" Kain said to himself as he kept walking down the hallway.70
"Cathola, come get some!" Kain shouted, his voice echoing back and forth throughout the hallway, his words twisted and mangled beyond recognition in the end. The effect both startled him, and made him aware of something new about the hallway. The end of the hallway was much closer than he had first thought, and there was only a single door in the entire hallway. The door was just next to him, red light emerging from beneath it.71
"So, this is the red light district" Kain said as he pushed the door open. Bright red light made him unable to see anything for a few seconds as his eyes got used to the strange illumination. As soon as he saw anything, he realized he'd found the lair of Cathola and the Succubi.72
"So good of you to join us nighthunter" Cathola said as she and the entire room of Succubi turned to look at the intruder. A large portion of the Succubi were engaging in sexual acts with both men and women, boys and girls. Others were eating their dead victims, presumably after having finished the sexual part of their encounters. Flesh was tore from legs, arms and genitalia, and blood was consumed like ale. In the back of the room, some Succubi were torturing still living victims, or engaging in both torture and intercourse at once. A few girls in the middle of the room moaned and screamed as if being satisfied, while they were rather consumed alive by several blood-covered Succubi.73
"As if straight out of a bad opium trip" Kain said to himself as he drew his two flintlocks and fired them both. One of the shots hit the closest Succubi, one engaged in intercourse with a young man. The dead creature slumped over the man, bleeding all over him from a large head-wound, as the man started to scream as if awoken from a horrible nightmare, only to find the reality to be far scarier. The other shot hit the restraints of a large man being tortured, obviously against his will, as opposed to how most the victims looked. The broken restraint allowed the man to further free himself, and as he growled into the air, he broke the neck of the torturing succubus with his bare hands. The two events and the several loud noises that followed seemed to wake most of the still living victims in the room from their trance-like states. Screams and cries shortly filled the entire room, shrieks of horror reverberating through the hallway as well.74
As Kain charged into the room with his rapier held high, he screamed "attack!", testing a theory he had little faith in. However, the strong man who had broken his restraints caught on, and ran over to another of the Succubi. He grabbed it by the neck, and started pulling with both his hands. As the succubus went pale, it's neck stretched beyond what it was ever meant to. Flesh tore and blood started gushing out as the man screamed, and the headless body of the succubus fell to the floor. More of the victims realized what was happening to them, and started fighting back. Kain smiled as the mood of the room shifted, and the screams that were now filling the air was those of the unsuspecting Succubi, being brutally killed by their own intended victims.75
In the corner of the room, a young man had grabbed the hand of a succubus that had only seconds ago been whipping him with a leather whip. He bent her hand back behind her, stopping only when the bone had broken through the skin, and he was able to pull the hand apart from the rest of the body. With the succubus screaming in agony, the man proceeded to beat it with it's own severed hand. Beating after beating, blood filled the air like mist, and the succubus was left to bleed with a broken jaw, punctured lounges, a broken arm and blinded eyes. Kain considered to finish the creature off, but kept thinking he shouldn't give the creature the satisfaction, as the noise of it's futile attempts to breathe as blood slowly filled it's lounges was good enough for him.76
Although the humans had started fighting back, Kain saw that many of them had no chance to do so, and the Succubi were starting to overcome their initial surprise at the attack, fighting back. A frail young girl in the middle of the room had started pulling the hair of a succubus, only for the demonic creature to headbutt the girl until her face was an unrecognizable lump of gore. The large man who had so far killed five of the Succubi on his own, was now held down by three of them, as a fourth one was clawing away the skin of his stomach. As blood began flowing out, the succubus pulled out his guts and strangled the man with his own intestines.77
"Enough" a calm voice said from directly behind Kain, from the direction of the door. There she stood, looking like an angel as she slowly walked into the room of carnage, Messalina. With a single look, she made one of the Succubi fall to the floor. The succubus screamed and put her hands to her head, the head becoming increasingly red in color. As suddenly as her scream had started, it stopped, as her head was torn apart from within. Chunks of flesh and bone hit every part of the room as her head exploded, bringing most of the other Succubi to fall to the floor, begging Messalina for forgiveness. Messalina stood at the middle of the floor, her scars glowing slightly.78
"Those of you who regret this are welcome to follow me back to the sanctuary, forgetting that this ever happened. Those of you who have no regrets are welcome to die like you sisters on the floor and the walls" Messalina said strictly. After a few seconds, all that were not kneeling on the floor fell over and suffered the same fate as the first succubus Messalina had dealt with.79
"You should consider coming with me again, Messalina, and do this like we used to do, before you ever knew you were a demon" Kain whispered to her.80
"And have this happen all the time? No Kain, the other daughters of the night need me and the sanctuary. Even just coming here right now puts the others in danger. However, I am grateful you did the groundwork" Messalina said, an appreciative hand lain upon Kain's shoulder.81
"Any time darling" Kain said, signalling for the surviving humans to get out of the room.82
"Grab Cathola for me, and let us get back to the sanctuary" Messalina said to some of the Succubi.83
"I'll get my gold, and be on my way" Kain said, a smile upon his face as he winked at Messalina.84
*85
"You sent for me?" Kain asked Messalina as he walked into her chamber, the man with the orange beard closing the door behind them.86
"I would just like to thank you again Kain, and let you know that we have Cathola secured back in the dungeon here, and that she won't be getting out before she has learned her lesson" Messalina said as they both sat down at her bed.87
"I'm just glad she's nowhere near as powerful as her sister. That explosive-head thing, whoa, that was pretty heavy" Kain laughed.88
"Well, I can do that to anyone who has ever pledged allegiance to me. It's supposed to be a way of keeping them from pulling stunts like that." Messalina said.89
"Yet they do... And then you need me" Kain said, winking.90
"About that, we got some extra help around here now, so hopefully you won't have to help every time this happens, or even if we need to round up some more daughters of the night" Messalina said, as one of the doors to the room opened. In walked a tall and strong-looking man, dressed in black with a cape that looked a little like the one Kain wore.91
"Adrian?" Kain said, surprise in his voice. "Adrian is your help?" Kain laughed.92
"It's Nightwing now" the man said as he walked over to the others.93
"Nightwing? Why?" Kain asked.94
"Well, you've always been the nighthunter, and so I thought I'd be Nightwing" Nightwing answered.95
"But I hunt creatures of the night. Do you fly around at night Adrian, do you?" Kain asked, still laughing.96
"One day, I'll be like you Kain, you know I want to be like you. And besides, I like Nightwing" Nightwing said sincerely.97
"Well, good luck with that Adrian" Kain said, shaking both his and Messalina's hands before walking out of the room.98
"It's Nightwing now" Nightwing yelled after him.99
"Sure Adrian, sure it is" Kain yelled back, laughing. Messalina laughed a little too, as the man with the orange beard closed the door after Kain, nighthunter.
Author notes
This story is written in a way that's a little bit like how I wrote Mephisto, just with a little bit more gore, language and sexuality thrown into the mix, alongside better language and better structure (I hope).
There will probably be more stories about Kain, as this one is meant as an introduction, and I find it easy to write about the character.
A contest entry
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Comments
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Very interesting, it kept my attention throughout the entire piece! You know for a fact then that it's an excellent work of the written art when you catch my wandering attention! Consider yourself congratulated, author!

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It's quite an interesting story and charecters you have here. Kain is kinda like a cross between Van Helsing, Zorro, and Riddick
I like it.
Anyways before I go any farther I'll go over the editing part.
Paragraph 1: "A dark outfit" "a long thick cape" "A long and heavily ornamented musket" all those a's right after each other get a little repetitive, try mixing it up a little.
Paragraph 2: "The most prominent feature of the crature revelaed were two large horns" you don't need the "of"
Paragraph 9: you use "the creature" seveal times in this one, once again try to mix it up. Just replacing one of them with her or even something less than human like the monster or a number of other things. Also, he kneels and then stands back up right away? If you want him to speak kneeling you should write him kneeling, then speaking, then getting up.
Paragraph 19: Once again with repetitiveness, you use "the rapier" 3 times, try replacing one with it or even, his/the sword.
Paragraph 27: "in the progress" should be prosess.
Paragraph 38:"the exit wound ofKain's" should be of(space)Kain's.
Thats all that I noticed, wich means ither the end half is error free or I got so into the story that I didn't notice any errors. Ither way that's a good thing
One of the things I really liked was that although the story stands on it's own two feet, you make comments and subtle references to things that happened before and this that may happen in the future. I really like when writers show that their charecters have lives outside the current novel or story.
The imagry was also well done, vividly gory at times, but i sence that that is what you were going for, so good job on that.
Anyways, I really liked the charecters and the plot. If you end up writeing more with Kain, I would love to read it.

beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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I started reading this and realized that I didn't have time to finish before I have to get off, but I'm going to come back and finish later. Your story really sucked me in and I look forward to coming back and reading more. BTW would you like me to do some editing while I'm at it? I do for some of my friends, but I don't know you and some poeple are a little sensitive about their work.
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Thanks for reading, and go ahead and edit if you want to =D That would be great, cause I realize that I have a lot of errors, but I'm here to learn =) Would be kind of you, and no, I'm not sensitive like that ;D
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excelletn. bit gory. but very well written and captivating.

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Oops
been here done this
.
I did read over the manuscript but it doesn’t appear you have made any corrections to the presentation; nor changed the plot in any way.
Like I said originally, you have an interesting tale, with some vivid characters, well described locations and if you got rid of things like it’s for its, and enjoyable read for those who like sex and violence.
Geri
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Good Morning Drac, I must admit you have one fantastic imagination
. Your ability to create descriptive pictures that gives life and visibility to your unique characters is well developed
.
You have a talent for building a plot and making it move along smoothly scene-by-scene, through activity and dialogue, so the reader will feel part of the action.
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That said, this needs some serious editing. The mistakes, while so minor, kept interrupting the read
.
I did begin the process but there were too many of the same kind of problems and it interfered with my enjoyment of the story.
Some, like using the contraction for it is (it’s) in place of the possessive pronoun (its) were very distracting.
The lack of a comma when connecting dialogue to a tag can lose the reader. "Well, good luck with that Adrian (,)" Kain said, shaking both his and Messalina's hands before walking out of the room.98
"It's Nightwing now (either a period or exclamation)" (So this, ) Nightwing yelled after him.99 ( isn’t necessary.) Of course here you used the contraction correctly
, so apparently
the others are oversights.
Sorry if I sound harsh, but you have a wonderful talent that deserves to be given your best effort.
Geri


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A late reply, I know

If you don't remember your comment, you can just ignore this reply
I just mainly want to thank you for reading and commenting on my story =D Glad you liked it! =D
As for the need of editing, I can see it
I've read this story over a few times, and I can't imagine why I keep getting my its and it's confused... I know what's right, I just keep doing the wrong ones at the wrong time, and I see how that can be very interrupting!
The lack of punctuation in dialogue is something I know I have to work on, as I've always had that problem... Never really knew how to do it, and I can't seem to remember how to do it after being told either... When I learn (
), I'll go back and fix it =)
You don't sound harsh at all, and I realize my own faults when I re-read this, but thanks for making them clear =) I hope I can fully fix this story once =)
So again, I just wanted to thank you for reading and leaving a great comment =)
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Although it's not very noticeable in one instance, you have several. I saw that you left out punctuations at the end of a lot of quotes, such as "Send word to your mistress that I have no time for petty arguments and fights". Usually, if you have something after the dialogue, it'd be best if you add a comma before the last quotation mark or a period.
Overall, I think it's an enjoyable story. You didn't make it too childish by leaving out the colorful words XD. More realistic that way, in my opinion. Yea, if you ever want to speed up the plot (Which I suspect you were doing somewhere in the middle), you can pull it off by having straight dialogue for a couple of lines.
It's good, just remember to check for punctuation and perhaps un-clutter your paragraphs so that they don't look like big clumps of descriptions
But anyway, thanks for writing the story!
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This is interesting, keep up the work! Though, it is very long. SO if I was you I'd share it up into chapters. Cus, to behonest when I saw how long your story was I didnt feel like reading it! Though, its a good story and I like how you formulate your sentences!
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i really enjoyed the opening to this the man reminded me of clint Eastwood in an old western, i really enjoyed the read take care


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A good story,well told.


beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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Why, thank you =)
I appriciate it =D
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OOh intense lol I like it a lot actually, i wanna read more lol


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Perhaps there will be more to read soon ;D
Working on a second part =)
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