A letter to the living

If I told you this story, would you understand my constant pain? I’ve been burdened for so long, this secret weighs on me and makes me feel way older than my eighteen years. I feel as if I’ve walked the earth too long, seen too much, and have been hurt too much.1

I won’t last much longer. I’ve lost all desire to live. So far I have lived in seeming normality yet within me my heart has withered away and crumpled like petals from a dead rose. My heart is only a shadow of what it once was….2

I write this with the last of my tears… I consider this my last gift to the living. Never again will I paint stories with words… Never again will I read your sweet replies..3

Listen to me as I unburden the secret that weighs on me… I used to have a sister. She was my one and only sibling. In a home where parents scarcely pay attention to one another lived my sister and I…4

My sister and I were more than ordinary sisters. We may not have been born twins but we were close enough. She was the light in my life. She was the one who tended roses and made them bloom. She told stories and made those around her laugh.5

We were always together. We shared the same bedroom, same clothes, and every single thing. We woke together and at night we would whisper and laugh until the dawn streaked what was left of the night. We talked of all there is in our huge world. We spoke of past, present, and future. Everything was perfect. Everything was just as it should be until that day… A day came and I knew nothing would ever be the same again…6

My sister fell into a silence and would not speak to me anymore. She packed her things and moved out of the room we’ve shared all our lives into a different room. I didn’t object nor did I show how hurt I was. If this was what would make my sister happy then so be it…7

It only got worse after that. No more did I hear my sisters chattering and no more did I hear her bubbling laugh. No more did I see her smile. The smiles in her eyes were replaced with a pain I could not comprehend. No more did I see those stars in her eyes. They were replaced with darkness..8

Oh, I missed her! With every breath of my soul I missed her closeness and companionship yet it wasn’t there anymore. The distance was too great and far too vast for me to cross.9

During the nights, loneliness stabbed me cruelly over and over. The shadows played havoc with my fears. I never did get used to sleeping alone in this horrid bedroom and I never would. Once it was my sanctuary, but now….10

In the middle of the night, I walked to down the darkened hallway and kneeled next to my sister’s bedroom. I heard my sister cry…sobs that could break her apart with their force. 11

What was causing my sister so much pain and misery? Every night I listened and every night I was torn between comforting my sister or staying away as her distance demanded. All I wanted to do was wrap my arms around her, stroke her hair and tell her everything would be alright. I was here for her. I was still her sister even if she didn’t want me to be her sister anymore. Oh, why did she push me away?12

I needed…Wanted…Had to….Would not…Should not…Could not..13

And so that’s where I stayed every night with my hand in my mouth covering the sobs that wanted to escape. I didn’t want anyone to hear me, but as my sister wept all through the night so did I…14

One night I couldn’t take it any longer. I had to know. I had to see what was making my sister so miserable…I opened the door as quietly as I could. The room was deathly silent like a tomb that’s been desecrated. My eyes adjusted to the darkness and that’s when I finally saw…15

My sister sat cross-legged on the floor gazing as if under a spell into her reflection. The moon pointed its finger from the open window and then I looked at my sister’s reflection in the mirror. I didn’t see her face looking back at me, instead I saw a young man’s face. Beautiful to behold, almost like an angel with a serene countenance. I could not take my eyes of him. I was so amazed and yet when he lifted his eyes, I saw the pain of unrequited love. The pain that comes with lovers that have no future together. He gazed deep into my sister’s eyes and in her gentle smile I could see that she loved him. 16

I tore my gaze away from the gentle lovers and looked around. I saw a single candle burning in the room. Its flame flickering and swaying like a dancing devil. Clouds covered the full moon, the flame went out with a single breeze ominously. The room was thrown into darkness…17

* * * * * *18

What would you do if you had a love that could never be? Imagine seeing him everyday and every single day you gaze into each others eyes. You can’t express your love with anything but your eyes. You can’t hear each other and can’t say the sweet nothings that lovers are famous for. All you can do is gaze at each other. 19

What if your hands forgot themselves and reached out to entwine with each others fingers only to feel the icy coldness of a mirror that will forever separate you from one another…??20

So tell me, what would you do??21