just one, please

I don't know why I started running this race, before I was told where I was headed. Now I'm watching the competition drop like birds from the ash-filled sky and I'm running out of breath. I'm losing my steam and the scenery is so bleak it nearly breaks my heart.1

The day is breaking and I'm all alone again. I pick up my coffee at the dry cleaner's and head off to nowheretown, my favorite place to be. Nothing makes sense anymore. Since when did my world get round?2

I crack my bones until the break, run to the hospital yelling "doctor! doctor! I've broken myself again!" What a pathetic sight to see. I watch myself bleed in fascination, like a child who has never bled before. Fascination and horror. My life story, right? Every muscle aches and I'm afraid of you. You scare me to death. And I love that.3

There's a beeping in the hallway, I think I shut off the oxygen again. I'm making toast in the kitchen when my face starts turning blue, I can only think of the days I spent without you here. Breathing never came easily so I don't miss it very much. Turn off the lights dear, they're blinding my eyes. You're making me blind.4

So many index cards sprawled across the floor. Pieces of evidence in a crime scene mess. I dusted just before the police came, am I guilty? Take me off to jail like a primetime criminal. Make it fascinating. I watch their faces go by, they stare in awe, as if I'm different from them. As if being strange was a crime. Throw me in behind locks and bars and never let me go. I'm missing you to death here. Every touch of cold hard silver reminds me of your face, unbreakable and apathetic.5

I put a spell on you, I broke your nothingness into small pieces I could eat. I nearly choked and you never stopped staring at the door. As if you could find something in nothing at all. I knew we would fall apart even before we came together.6

I stand at the window watching the sun rise behind your car. You start the engine and I take a sip of poisoned coffee. Falling to the floor, the last thing I see is your eyes, watching me. I'm watching you leave me. I'm watching you leave everything you ever had. I'm watching you take everything I've ever worked for. And it all comes down to this my dear, coffee beans and a cold car and a life that led to nothing.7