Letters of a Lovesick Girl

I can still feel you. I can feel the warmth of your arms, the tone in your voice, your heartbeat beating softly against my back. I can hear your breathing, your CDs I hate, and your fast spoken Spanish. I smell the food you'd always cook, your perfume on the pillows and your skin. I miss it all. The television you'd have to translate, the late nights dancing across your living room floor, how soft your hands were, the smell of the books you brought home. I miss you, love.1

She's no you.2

Her hair wasn't black, her eyes weren't dark, her legs weren't long. But her voice made my heart beat after you left. Her hair was light, soft, it shone in the sunlight where yours seemed to just absorb the rays. Her eyes are clear and bright, they glinted where she didn't smile, her lips twitched up at the corners, never showing teeth. Her skin was translucent, it glowed without light, pale. Her touch was soft, she never pushed. I grew bored of her copper hair and it's shine, of her perfect nails and crisp life.3

She's no you.4

She was golden. Her skin was darkened by her time in the sun, her voice made me feel safe. Her eyes amber, her hair a blonde I'd never seen. She took my breath away. That had never happened. She smiled and the world stopped. She gave me the time of day, I gave her all of me. She was perfect. Not for me. But she was perfect. She spoke my words, my language that was almost yours, mais je t'aime. She wanted everything, and everyone wanted her. She ran in life, I couldn't keep up. 5

I can't live. I'm not up to it, without that stupid neighbor of yours yelling at us to keep quiet. I need you to talk to me again. I need you to tell me how to smile without you. To breath without drowning. To make my heart stop hurting. It's been nearly a year without you, but you're still the first thing that comes to me when I hear a love song. I still reach for your hand when I'm scared, only to find it's not there. 6

My pillows miss you, they miss you making them smell nice, and stacking them in nice neat piles before breakfast. I've tried moving on, I've tried not comparing every girl I see to you. It doesn't work. Have you ever seen you? Darling you're radiant. And after you, I'm not sure where there is to go.