I still remember, i still hear that ringing, exploding sound. I remember the gun-power smell; the surroundings we were engulfed by. The death.1
We weren't even in a big city, we were walking back from a party. We had a grand time. We danced together as if no one was watching, griding with the music along with the rest of them in one room. In the safe room.2
Down the hall people were drinking, getting drunk and high. Trying out this new dope they just got from someone or another. I remember thinking, 'I'm glad that's not me; not you.'3
We didn't leave till around one and we walked down to an open club on the corner and had a drink. Coffee for him, herbal tea for me, and listen to the jazz band the club was hosting. We sat there for hours. Talking about the party, life, family; filling our space with warmth and laughter. Just like we've done a million times before. Dan and i were in love.4
We finally gathered up our coats around four. Walking along the sidewalk i remember the sky had a tint of dawn to come, and stars would of shone bright still if we could of seen them through the morning fog. It was then as we took our favorite detour through Marlow Park he asked if i would sit with him. Actually he said in a gentle sensual voice, "My lady, will thee accompany thy while i sit and marvel at the greatness of the coming of a hopeful new beginning?" He bowed and sank down into a park bench. I smiled and looked into his eyes so filled with light, remembering all our years filled with love in a blink of an eye, "of course kind sir. They would love to accompany such a radiant man as thee."5
We sat there in one another's arms, listening to the stillness of the morning. Ten minutes passed and Dan gracefully slipped from the bench and knelt down in front of me. I remember this part well, for in those next three minutes I've never felt such joy and the such fear and sorrow.6
"Kathrine?" I love how he used to say my name. Song like and never said it with harshness. Then he pulled out a small black velvet box and inside was a ring. A silver ring with a jade center stone with four diamonds surround it.7
I felt on top of the world! An eruption of blissfulness about to explode, and then he said. Gray-blue eyes starring, no not starring, gazing, gazing into my brown ones-I love his eyes-. And he straighted his back and said in a confident, loving voice, "Will thee come ride with me into the sunset and live forever with thy?" and slipped the ring on my finger as my joy exploded as i breathed, "yes."8
I was so captivated in what was happening in my world, our world, that I didn't notice anything else. Not until it was too late that is, and I only noticed because Dan's face went pale and stricken with fear. A split second later a single shot rang out, and i watched the last of his life disintegrated from his eyes. Before me his body began to gracefully fall, and one more shot rang out.9
Author notes
I have the whole thing written, but it is kindda long so i decided to split it up. And that way you can also decide if you like it. And spelling errors or subjustions. Please tell.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Spelling Ruined Roger's Parade...
this is a great start apart from the spelling,grammar,the plot and anything else
hope you enjoy your third birthday -
Fantastic
A little rough, but I really did like what you've got here. I'm not sure what you were going before but in passage two you wrote "griding". Very interesting.
beginning: 5, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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This is VERY VERY GOOD, Jessie! As for grammar and spelling . . .
1st paragraph: gun-power. I assume you meant gunpowder and that this is a mere typo.
2nd paragraph: griding -- is not a word. I assume that this is a typo, but I figured I'd point it out anyway.
3rd paragraph: you said "someone or another." I probably would have said "some one or another" or "someone or other." It's really a style thing, whatever you think sounds best.
4th paragraph: "Coffee for him, herbal tea for me, and listen to the jazz band . . ." The part where you say "and listen" just sounds a bit awkward. Perhaps if you said "Coffee for him, herbal tea for me. We listened to the jazz band . . ." if would flow a little better. Just a thought.
4th paragraph: You said "Dan and i were in love." Just a minor grammatical error -- 'i' should be capitalized.
5th paragraph: the above error is repeated numerous times . . . perhaps its purposeful?
5th paragraph: You said "stars would of shone . . ." when I probably would have said "stars would have shone . . ." or "stars would've shone . . ."
5th paragraph: You said "we could of seen . . ." when, as I said above, I probably would have said "we could have seen . . ." or "we could've seen . . ." See above.
5th paragraph: "love in a blink of an eye . . ." I might have said "in the blink of an eye . . ." Just a question of style.
6th paragraph: "next three minutes I've never felt such joy and the such fear and sorrow . . ." It just doesn't seem to flow, you know?
7th paragraph: "Song like and never said it with harshness." First of all, I would have said "songlike" -- one word. Second, I would have said "he never said it with . . . " or "never said with . . ." That's just a question of style again.
8th paragraph: In the first sentence, instead of "I felt on top of the world!" I might have said "I felt as though I was on top of the world!" Another question of style.
8th paragraph: You kinda leave us hanging when you say "and then he said."
8th paragraph: "Starring" should be "staring."
8th paragraph: Just keep checking your capitalization.
9th paragraph: "i watched the last of his life disintegrated . . ." I would probably say either "I watched the last of his life disintegrate . . ." or "I watched as the last of his life disintegrated . . ." And again, watch your capitalization.
Oh, Jessie. You really shouldn't have asked for grammatical assistance. Eewww . . . I wrote a novel! I'm sorry, I didn't notice until it was too late!!! Well, I can't wait to read the next part. Hurry up! Unless you already have it . . . Oh, I'll need to check it out! Bye! -
meow!
great great great great great great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!..... i really like it! this is already very intersting! awesome job Stern!well, i'd go on praseing it but, as thee knost very well, i can speak and write old englesh and wish to point out things to m'lady..... I actualy speak affulently in Gaelic scottish gaelic so what i do in correcting you has a lot more value in the fact of my first hand knolage
"My lady, will thee accompany thy/ me/ while i sit and marvel at the greatness of the coming of a hopeful new beginning?" i love the wya you frased this! very floating and flowery... thee, thine, thy, and thou are all ways of saying you... I, me, mine, are used the same way excpet for roalty... which if you addesss them you still use i, me, mine when concidering yourself.. if you ARE royaly.. faveoite frases are we and our and us.. but the royal "We" is used when the roalty is speaking on behalf of their contry/city/state
of course kind sir. They/I? would love to accompany such a radiant man as thee."... same as above
"Will thee come ride with me into the sunset and live forever with thy/me/?" same as above... also, thee was used informalyin midevaltimes.. you was formal... if you are using this as actual mideval lagustics... if not, then feel free to make what ever mistakes thee cares to.... i am always willing to be of service
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ooh la la! i like! very nicely done
the image of joy and happiness, shattered by a single gunshot...i wasnt ready for that at all. the content is superb. as for spelling/grammar, there are a few things i picked up on:
1st paragraph: "gun-power" -- i think you meant gunpowder, and i would make the first phrase of the paragraph a single sentence to make it more powerful, so it was "I still remember. I..." etc.
4th paragraph: "and listen to the jazz" -- you may want to consider "and we listened to the jazz" so that the tenses match. also, "Just like we've" -- the we've should prolly be we'd, or we had (depending if you want it to be a conjunction, or written out.)
5th paragraph: "would of shone" should be "would have shone" and "could of seen" should be "could have seen". okay, i love this line : "My lady, will thee accompany thy while i sit and marvel at the greatness of the coming of a hopeful new beginning?" -- excellent, it sounds so pretty! though, i'm not sure, but i think you may have to check up on those thee's and thy's. for example, the first part of that i *think* should be "My lady, wil'st thou accompany" and i dunno about the thy yfollowing that...it sounded to me like it was saying "will you accompany yourself" rather than "will you accompany me", but i really dont know. and the last sentence in that paragraph, did you mean to say "they"?
6th paragraph: "next three minutes I've never felt such joy and the such fear and sorrow" -- beautiful phrase, it sums up the whole tone of this perfectly. this is in present tense, though, which doesnt match the rest of what is going on, so "i've"should be "I'd". also, the last part of that, speaking of her current joy, and the foreshadowing of her bitter sorrow, could be reworked for power. look at it again at some point.
7th paragraph: "surround" should be either "surrounding" or "around"
8th paragraph: first line--saying "and then he said" is never resolved. it is confusing to the reader what he said, we are left hanging. and i think that "starring" should be "staring". and again, check the thee's and thy's w/ someone.
last paragraph: omg! i got chills, i even gasped! you packed the power into that one! the only thing i would suggest in that is a different word for "disintegrated" -- you could prolly find something that fits even better.
throughout the whole thing, watch your tenses too.
wow--what i wrote looks brutal...eww. i didnt mean for it to be that way, sry. but i think this is such an incredible write! it just makes me wanna shake you until you give me more!:-p jessie -- this is an excellent write, simply stupendous, and i cant wait to see more of it
all my love,
~Me (your kitty-kat)
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