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George W. Bush woke up that fine Monday morning with a prickly, yet strangely euphoric sensation. Slightly confused, he felt around under the sheets and immediately came across an odd, warm wetness. He groaned loudly. 5
He had wet the bed again. 6
Damn, he thought. This is sure as hell gonna' piss Laura off. It was a recurring problem, and had been most active recently. It seemed that now that he was no longer President, even his manhood was disrespecting him. George felt his cheeks sag. 7
With his legs stretched wide, he robotically made his way to the bathroom and pulled off his Rugrats-printed pyjamas. Sure enough - there was a big wet circle on Chukcy's face. Underneath, he was thankfully wearing adult diapers ( especially imported from China - the very reason the Chinese have been considered a potential threat to the United States ) He wiped himself clean and changed into another pair of jammies. 8
Oh, much better.9
George innocently made his way into the kitchen.10
"Hey honey," said Laura, turning around from the espresso maker. She looked at him suspiciously. "Did you brush your teeth?"11
"Yep," lied George. As she turned around, he snickered behind her back, feeling very smart. He had only wet the toothbrush! 12
George took a mug of coffee and sat down in front of the television. Flicking through the channels. He was feeling particularly fine this day - a good thing, because his editor and agent were coming in to talk about his book: Decision Points. It would bring in money. Good money. Not that George needed any. Ever since he had obeyed Daddy and captured all those oil companies in Iraq, there was plenty to go around for everyone. Even those Saudi's that kept calling everyday.13
No. This book will show people I am not stupid. George smirked as he thought this. Then his train of thought changed tracks and his face lit up with glee. He was imagining chasing a squirrel across the yard. 14
He flicked through the television when, suddenly, the doorbell rang. Oh, they're early! George quickly went to the door and let in Harold, his agent and Billy, the editor. Both of them were wearing suits.15
As they sat down in the living room, the three men began discussing business. 16
"How's the writing going?" Billy asked George.17
Suddenly George put his hand in the air. "Wait!" he said. He squeezed his eyes shut, face twisting in intense concentration. 18
A minute passed bye.19
"Um, George -"20
"Shhh -" George said, face turning purple. He was obviously under a lot of stress. 21
"George, are you -"22
Phhuuuuurrrrtthhh. 23
George released an audible fart. The redness drained from his face. "Oh, god! That feels so good ..."24
Billy the editor's eyebrows drifted into his hair. He shook a retort and ignoring the putrid smell from the former-President's bowels, continued. "So, about the writing -"25
Phuurtthh. "Oh yea ... god, that feels so ... ahhh ..." George fidgeted around, as if trying to find the perfect spot for his buttocks. 26
"Um - right, about the -"27
Phuurtth.28
Phu.29
"Ohh ... yea .. right there ..." 30
Billy looked pointedly at Harold, who had his face between his fingers. "It's the aftershocks," said Billy loudly, with an as-a-matter-of-factly air. 31
Billy nodded. It was a good two minutes and many moanings and groanings later that finally George had returned to his normal ( albeit not much smarter ) self. 32
"So, George we were talking about the writing," said Harold. 33
"Oh ... I'm on it ..." said George yawning. 34
"We need to get this on the road, George -"35
"Told ya', I'm on it," said George. He wondered whether the chimp he had bought three months ago ( long story short - George got duped by a Mexican selling Alice Munro's unevolved twin sister ) had finally learned how to use the type-writer. 36
"Well, we're covering the expenses - now about the Iraq question George, how will you address it?" said Billy. 37
"Iraq - yea ... well, we just tell them the truth!" said George. 38
"The - the truth?" said Harold incredulously. "We can't! It will destroy your image!"39
"About Saddam Hussein, you mean?" Billy asked. 40
"Saddad ... who?" said George, scratching his crotch. 41
Harold remembered suddenly what George's Daddy had told him about Iraq. "The - the Boogeyman, George. The Boogeyman in Iraq!" 42
"Oh, yea! We tell them abouth the Boogeyman and they'll understand - it's not like they're that dumb!" said George stupidly. 43
Harold flashed Billy a wink that said: we're going to rewrite the whole thing anyways - why worry?44
Thus, the two men took their leave ( though not before having lunch ) and off they went, leaving George alone in the house. It was almost evening. George was incredibly bored. 45
So, George did what he usually did: he chased some squirrels across the yard; eagerly sniffed Barney the doggy's butt ( who returned the favour with equal zeal and zest ); ate his kid's homeworks; ripped the mail-man's pants; farted in the pool; put on Laura's makeup a few times and occasionally went to look at Bill Clinton's shirtless photos in the bathroom ( they had been there for so long that George had even forgotten who put them there - himself or Laura? )46
After that, it was some boring dinner and then almost at nine, Laura shouted to tell him it was bedtime. 47
They clambered onto the bed together ( after George had been fitted into a new diaper ) and snuggled under the sheets. 48
"Honey - you know what I want don't you?" said George, sliding his tongue around. 49
"Oh, George!"50
"Pwetty pwease, Laura!" 51
"Oh - fine!" said Laura switching the lights back on. She bent over and retrieved a book. George squealed with joy as Laura sat down, with her back on the headboard and read him his favorite extracts from Twilight. He had highlighted them especially. 52
"He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare ... as I had just that once before, I smelled his cool breath in my face. Sweet, delicious, the scent made my mouth water ... his toes were polished ivory, perfectly sculpted ..." 53
And on went the flurry of overly long adjectives, adverbs and derivative phrases all combining to form the wonderful, idealistic prose that George cherished about Meyer's writing.54
George smiled all the way, lost in some daydream where he and Edward Cullen were walking on the beach, hand in hand. 55
When it ended, he wished it would go on longer. 56
He looked at Laura and said: "Oh. My. God! Edward is like - like so hot!"57
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Silver trophy winner
Honorable mention
Gold trophy winner
Adding your comment:
It's okay, I can't please every audience and I don't try to. Thanks for reading though!
LoL. Really.. was refreshing to read and hilarious. 
Just becuase he is no longer President does not EXCUSE him from his the consequences of his actions. What about justice to the thousands of people that lost their lives? Iraq was quiet a developed country. Now it's been entirely annihalated. 
So, this was sort of new ground for me at least!
