Drakul (Part 1 of 2)

The forest seemed to be all silent from that corner, from the place near to the shadowy castle.
The trees seemed to hide it behind their leaves and shadows, where the castle emerged from the loneliness.
It was made of a crackly, brownish rock, and it seemed to form an "u" because of the main body of the castle and the two, rectangular towers at both sides.
And the silence.
The silence seemed to cover the place, interrupted by the sound of the wind moving the tree-tops, and some dry leaves twirling and moving on the ground, dancing like an innocent melody touching the lands of complete madness.
The ruler of those lands was the reason of the complete isolation of all the territory around the castle, and the only reason why his name was feared and respected lands ahead, respecting the creatures and life of that place as if they were a sacred beauty.
And yes, a sacred beauty, creatures that lived there were rarely seen, as well as all the nature flowing like in ancient times, pure and untouched. The creatures gathered some meters away from the castle enjoying the protection of the so feared ruler, but unable to get too near of his home, fearing as well to be torn into pieces.
Because of that, the territory near the castle was death and hollow, the only life were the trees protecting and hiding the castle, and a darkness seemed to cover it. 1

2

3

Time over there seemed to be untouchable and frozen, like an old land lost in time... and the story begins one night, one December 14th, 1476, when in those hazy lands of Transylvania, the ruler, the impaler, was killed, and the time, forever frozen, was broken. 4

5

It was a rainy night, the floor was fill with mud and the dry leaves seemed to stick to it, making the forest swamp-like and the silence of the castle completely broken with the implacable roar of the rain. The rain, somehow, seemed to make the air heavier, hot and moist, and the castle's walls seemed to melt along with the heavy drops of water. 6


The lord came walking with difficulty toward the castle, feeling an inexplicable chill cross his bones and the feeling of complete doom as he escaped the human world in order to vanish once again into the bowels of his adobe. 7

8

He was naked and full of blood, that was washed away with the constant rain, and several scares were shown in his whole body. His hollow black eyes seemed to be filled with desperation and hate for everything, he knew that in that world he was death, and that soon or later he will be chased in this one. 9


He opened the heavy door without effort, and walked upstairs without saying a word, shaking furiously. One of his wives looked at him from the base of the stairs, that were going from the second floor, rising into two different ways towards the two towers, and divided in two again from the base of the second floor to the first floor. She watched him with a cold look of a broken heart, but she kept silent as he entered the left tower and closed the door violently. 10

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She was beautiful, and maybe the last of his wives and the only person who seemed to love him. Her light, brown hair fell from her delicate head to the middle of her back, forming delicate curls, and her honey eyes were now empty and sad, showing a fine innocence corrupted with a lost illusion. Her pale skin made her even more charming, and her red and tiny lips seemed to highlight his childish and pure face. All her figure was so exquisite and elegant that any man could be capture in it, but she only belonged to that man, someone who destroyed her deeply.12

13

And she knew this was the end, she knew her husband was doomed forever and she knew she had to accept the destiny... hate was starting to grow inside her against him. 14

15

Meanwhile, he placed her hands furiously against the table, his head down, his dark hair covering his face, breathing hardly.16


His time has come, he knew it, even if he tried to fight back it was useless, he couldn't fight anymore. The Turks just left him weak, useless, and he knew they weren't the only ones involved in his "death"... there was something hiding deep inside all this...17


He put something on and walked outside, his wife was still watching him, her look frozen. 18

19

"We need to get away from this place" he said coldly, his words seemed to rip out her ears and penetrate her brain slowly, she barely moved her lips as she spoke. 20


"I won't" 21


He half-smiled, the walked slowly downstairs, she was firmly following him with the look until he reached her and took her chin with one hand. 22


"You belong to me" he whispered as his deadly breath that smelled like rotten blood covered her face "and you will do everything I tell you to do..." he said with so much fury some tears came out from her eyes, rolling to the floor. 23


"I don't belong to anyone" she cried. 24


He looked at her about to unleash his fury when something hit the door violently. 25


He showed his long and white fangs and hissed. 26

27

"You are a monster!" she shouted, and ran hiding behind the one column, waiting. 28

29

The door opened, letting in several man with a dragon insignia on their clothes, they stepped toward him surrounding him. 30


He was dull and fear-full, and only managed to hiss, she cried from behind the column falling to her knees. 31

32

"You won't get too far Vlad Drakul!" someone hissed to him as he started to cowardly run upstairs, a lot of crucifixes and symbols were thrown to him, as he fell and covered all the floor with blood, starting to vanish. 33


Hours passed by, he was still on the floor, his pupils moving wildly to all directions and his jaw wide open. 34


And just then, he stopped moving, silence filled the room, and the Impaler died in his own world... 35


A girl with short, light brown hair, almost golden, and honey eyes looked from a room, without emotion, as her tiny hands managed to open the door quietly, and walked next to her mother, broken, crying on the floor. 36


That's how one age ended, the age of the king, the age of the absolute fear... 37


Author notes

  This was a dream... that I actually remember clearly. It is also based in the mythology from a book I wrote, called "Vampire Lane", being one ancestor of the Vlalerious family.
The character, was a real prince of Wallachia, Romania in 1400 called Vlad III, the Impaler. In the place where he was buried, only his clothes were found so I imagined him returning to his own world, and I gave him a "vampire life." We may call this "Historical Fiction" probably... I'm not sure.

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Comments

1 - 17 of 17
  • Reigning Fire
    October 31

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    I could see the scene as though I was there, excellent description. I also liked how you used Vlad the Impaler, when is part 2?


  • snoble
    August 16

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    This was a nice short story, actually. I think you could add more as to why he was weak. I thought him to be at full strength until the soldiers or whoever they were came and confronted him. i did like this though. i wish you hadnt submitted it to a bunch of other contests


  • Len Shadow
    August 4
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    Kya!!! I loved the description and emotion in this! I hail to you!

  • Adinatak
    July 22

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    Maybe a bit more background detail would have been nice, but all in all this was a nice piece. I enjoy a good death scene and you captured this one very well.


    • Maxxym Neovalerious
      July 22

      Edit | Reply

      Thanks!

      And the background detail was done that way in purpose, it will be described better in the second part, but I'll see the story better to see in which parts I can take your advice.
      Thanks for your comment!


  • sberendt gold member
    July 17

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    This was a nice short story, actually. I think you could add more as to why he was weak. I thought him to be at full strength until the soldiers or whoever they were came and confronted him. Besides that, there were a few grammar issues, but nothing a look-over and spell-check can't fix. Nice job overall!


  • Ashlyn Rose
    July 14

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    well it sure does have pretty awesome details and good writing as well as decent editing. But it seems more like a picture in a movie than an original vampire story.

    • Maxxym Neovalerious
      July 14
      Edit | Reply
      Also, I pictured Vlad Tepes (who was actually real) returning from a failure of the human world after trying to rule Transylvania, defeated by the Turks, and coming back to his own world... I gave him a "vampire life".
      Also, I say that because in the place where he was buried, only his clothes were found and I pictured him going away back to his world, that's why he is naked hehe =P

    • Maxxym Neovalerious
      July 14
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      No...

      Well, you must really investigate something about Vlad Tepes, the character in which the story was based.
      He is the inspiration of Dracula, and of all vampires known today. He is the basis of the so popular story of Dracula but with a vampire twist I made, of another world, and there'll be still much more in this story...
      The Impaler always sounds similar, but you must know who he really is, I have been investigating his story since long ago when I first read Dracula.
      I hate cheating and taking the story from somewhere else, what's the sense in that? I am only using the traditional =D


  • Caradoc
    July 14

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    Ah...it doesn't get much better than the Impaler himself. Vlad Dracul...ruler of Transylvania. He who has inspired all vampire stories since he first came to the world's attention. If not for him, most wouldn't have any idea at all what a vampire was.

    I liked this.

    You had great imagery, I was drawn in by your descriptions. Alas, he perished, but it seems your story continues. Others have already pointed out any mistakes, so I will not repeat them.

    Thank you for entering my contest.

    • Maxxym Neovalerious
      July 14
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      Thanks!

      I apreciate your review and I am glad someone knows who the Impaler was, I have always been fascinated with him somehow... and I tried to create a creative but traditional story.
      I corrected some things, hope the story is better now.


  • CallMeWhenUrRich
    July 14

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    Wow. You did wonderful with your descriptions, and imagery was at it's finest.

    The storyline was interesting and caught my eye. I just can't seem to get enough of vampires!

    Good luck in the contests.


  • yoyohayli
    July 13

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    I loved it! I love the descriptions and the visual images it creates in your mind. I found a few errors, but nothing that really catches the eye unless you're trying to proof-read it. Two thumbs up!

    • Maxxym Neovalerious
      July 14
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks! I'll look for the mistakes and edit this story so it can get better and better.
      I love to describe and take what's inside of my mind out as much as I can, that's something I enjoy.
      =)


  • Yereshkigal
    July 12

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    You have a really great idea, with beautiful and vivid scenery/descriptions. One that definitely has to be rounded and smoothed out a bit more to make each paragraph flow into the other. There was a bit of grammar which normally I don't notice unless it changes the sentence structure making it a bit awkward to read but those are easily fixed with the right eye. Keep working on this, it has so much potential and you paint a very beautiful picture of what you see in your mind.

    • Maxxym Neovalerious
      July 14
      Edit | Reply

      Thank you so much!

      Thanks for the review, I'll see the mistakes and try to correct it, as well as editing the story the best that I can.
      It may take some time, but things can always get better =)
      Thanks.

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