100 Grand.

Jake was sitting down cross-legged in his bedroom reading a novel from James Patterson when the phone rang. He got up and ran to the cordless phone, his padded Scooby-Doo slippers thudded against the ground after each step. He stared at it for a second. It rang again. He jumped then picked it up.1

A few moments later Jake came thudding down the stairs. His mother was in the kitchen pouring herself a glass of red wine.2

"Jake, honey, who was that on the phone?" She asked sweetly.3

"It was just a friend," Jake smiled, his eyes big and brown.4

"Okay hon, you need to get to bed now, it's 9:00." His mother replied.5

"Okay!" Jake kissed his mother goodnight and then ran to his father's room around the corner from the kitchen.6

Jake's father was on his Dell laptop, finishing up a piece of work on his StoryWrite account.7

"Hey bud." His father spoke, rubbing his eyes. They were red.8

"Hi daddy, I'm going to bed now."9

"Okay, give me my hug and kiss and get to sleep then."10

Jake hugged his father and kissed him on the cheek then walked back upstairs and crawled into bed, but no before turning on his Scooby-Doo nightlight and throwing off his slippers.11

Two Hours Later...12

A navy blue Ford pickup pulls into the driveway, its lights are turned off. Two men dressed as clowns get out. Each of them men are holding a small pistol. One of the men also has a butcher knife.13

In The Kitchen.14

Jake's mother, Judea, has just finished watching her favorite show: Big Brother.15

Jake's father, Jim, shut down his laptop and headed upstairs to take a shower.16

There's a knock on the door. Judea got up from the sofa, unlocked the door, and opened up. The clown on the left smiled. Before Judea could even think, there was a knife in her stomach. She gasped and croaked for help. She fell to the floor holding her stomach. 17

"Pick her up." Clown Two said.18

The first clown picked her up and layed her down on the sofa.19

"I'll go upstairs." Clown Two said.20

A few moments later there was a muffled scream. Clown Two came downstairs holding Jim, he had nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist on. There was a large slice on his back. Blood was pouring out. Clown Two laid the man down next to his bleeding wife.21

Judea and Jim held eachother. Jim held a pillow to her wound and told her everything was going to be alright.22

The clowns laughed. 23

"You can come down now!" Clown One yelled.24

The married couple looked both confused and frightened.25

There was shuffling, then thudding. Jake appeared at the top of the stairs. His eyes huge and scared. He had a large frown on his face and was shaking.26

"Come down now, Jakey." Clown Two said27

Jake slowly descended down the stairs, looking from his parents to the clowns.28

"Come here." Clown One said.29

Jake walked to the clown.30

"Face me."31

Jake faced the clown.32

The clown then bent down to Jake and whispered something in his ear. Jake's shoulders began to tremble. He began to shake and heave in large amounts of air.33

"Oh God..he's crying." Judea said weakly.34

"No..", Jim said, horrified. "He's laughing."35

Jake slowly turned around, there was a huge grin on his face. He was laughing.36

"Jake! What's gotten into you!" Jim attempted at yelling.37

Jake laughed, "Jim, you are a sad mistake for a father. Maybe if you get another life then you will teach your kids to never talk to strangers. Even on the phone."38

"What do you mean..?" Jim questioned, tears in his eyes. Judea was sobbing.39

"These two friends of mine called earlier, offering me 100 Grand if I pulled this off."40

The Clowns giggled. Jake took one of the pistols from the nearest clown.41

"JAKE NO-" His father could not finish his sentence before the bullet found his brain.42

Judea was sobbing horribly loud.43

"JAKE PLEASE, I LOVE YOU-" Another gunshot.44

The two lovers layed there on the couch covered in blood, holding eachother.45

Jake turned to the clowns.46

"Now can I have my share of the mulah?" Jake asked, smiling.47

"Sure can." Clown one replied. Clown two reached into his pocket and pulled out a 100 Grand candy bar. "Here ya go." the clown handed Jake the candy bar.48

"Hm. Good enough." Jake said. He opened the wrapper and took a bite out of the chocolate.

Author notes

"What happens to a man is less significant than what happens within him." - Louis L. Mann

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
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Comments

1 - 16 of 16

  • lesbian-in-love
    October 9

    Edit | Reply
    Wow this was really nicely done and very freaky. I hate clowns! Gosh I cant believe I read that. Anyways this was good. I liked it. I liked the beginning with the James Patterson book. He is a good writer. Thanks for entering and best of luck to you in the contest.


  • amanda vampiress silver member
    October 3

    Edit | Reply
    This was nicely done! I liked that you didn't focus on the small details but the level of suspense instead. That twist at the end took me by surprise. I would have never thought the little boy would have been behind it all. Very good dialogue and organization. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck!


  • BlondSteph
    September 13

    Edit | Reply
    wow, i dont know what to think to that. Rather sick and twisted in a way. Strange story but a good twist to it in the end. Good luck in the contest.


  • Len Shadow
    September 13

    Edit | Reply
    Nice twist at the end! But why clowns? You might want to descibe that a little more. Also, Jake sounds like a kid by the way you describe him. His actions don't seem like that of a youngster. Try giving him a bit more age.

    Other than those, I really like the story! Keep writing!

    ~Len


  • xjones101
    July 20
    Edit | Reply
    New Story Out!!

    action and adventure http://storywrite.com/story/312658 please comment and add me as a frend! thanks


  • Lawrie gold member
    July 19

    Edit | Reply
    Wow! What a great twist at the end.

    I enjoyed this short story even though it gave me goosebumps at times.

    Some small typos and things for you to look at:

    p1 - It ringed again. = It rang again.

    p11 - but no before = but not before

    p21 - Clown to = Clown Two

    p21 - wrapped around his waist on = delete 'on' as it's not required.

    I was confused with paras 18 and 19:

    Para 18 - "Pick her up." Clown One said.

    Para 19 - The first clown picked her up and layed her on the sofa.

    This suggests that Clown One was telling Clown Two to pick her up but then did it himself. Perhaps Clown Two should pick her up while Clown One goes upstairs?

    Other than that, I thought this was a good write and a good, creepy story with a wonderful twist at the end.

    Well done


  • Asfand
    July 18

    Edit | Reply
    WOW. I surely did not see that coming. Very interesting tale, I liked this a lot actually, especially the entire concept of the whole write. You certainly have one heck of an imagination! Props on weaving an weird, but spectacular idea!

    I loved how smoothly this went. It was well-paced and intriguing all through till the final sentence.

    Suggestion:

    I suggest elaborating more. Give more detail of the surrounding and characterize Jake and Jim more, give them a specific personality. I would love some more closure in the end as well, a little bit of explanation as to how this came about.

    A few mistakes I noticed:

    P 3 - She asked him in her sweet tone --> replace with [She asked him sweetly]

    P 4 - "It was just a friend.[,]" Jake smiled, his eyes big and brown.

    P 5 - "Okay hon, you need to get to bed now, it's 9:00.[,]" His mother replied.

    P 8 - "Hey bud.[,]" His father spoke

    P 13 - A navy blue Ford pickup pulls[pulled] into the driveway - why the change into present tense

    P 15 ... 17 - [finished] watching her favorite show ... [there was a] knock on the door

    P 18 ... 20 - Comma instead of period i.e ["Pick her up.(,)" said Clown One]

    P 27 - mulah??

    P 49 - Hm[,] Good enough.[]" Jake said

    Anyway, great work! Sorry it took long to get the CCC initiated, but the group has started finally, and hopefully we'll all have some fun!

    Waiting to read more from you!

  • Marta gold member
    July 16
    Edit | Reply
    A totally weird tale....cool.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Yumiko Kizaka
    July 16
    Edit | Reply
    good story....Jake and the clows scare me!


  • EverRose
    July 14
    Edit | Reply
    Jake is a creep btw...

  • EverRose
    July 14

    Edit | Reply
    Wow! I loved this!
    Surprising ending, and interesting twist. Awesome.
    That was kinda sad though! Lol. Otherwise, fantastic job, keep writing
    Oo, brownies points (even though I'm not holding a contest) because I love James Patterson! lol.


  • Myra La-Ryn
    July 14

    Edit | Reply
    Great twist. Love it.

    The suspense was great, and even though there were a few typos, it was still absolutely awesome.

    The quote was great too, and the whole thing within Jake was really perturbing especially when it only turned out to be a candy bar.

    But great job!

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • davelolione gold member
    July 14
    Edit | Reply

    Nice approach

    Great ending good pace i can see this winning more than one comp.
    Good luck.
    dave

    beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • SAVAGEshark.
    July 9
    Edit | Reply
    This has a strong psychological meaning.Very smart idea,very very smart.AMAZING JOB MAN!


  • Crys Moro
    July 9

    Edit | Reply
    Interesting story and surprising end. Greedy boy, for a 100 grand killed his parents, glutton boy, for a candy bar destroyed his family.
    Thanks for entering good luck in the contest

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