Summer Breeze 1
Before we met, my life was pain
Tears fell down, like endless rain
Every day was so dreary
And my soul was sad and weary2
But then I saw you, on that day
That’s when the clouds went away
When you smiled I felt such gladness
Never again would I feel sadness3
Like a summer breeze you came to me
And you taught me how to see
I discovered underneath it all
Life can be so beautiful
Author notes
This is my first crappy attempt at poetry...LOL
Comments
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What? This is good for a first poem. You should have seen my first one.
I've always found it amusing that people's first poems are almost always romantic ones. A new love. Mine was about someone leaving. But then I'm weird anyway. *laughs*
You have good rhyming throughout, which is the first thing most people notice. Val made a good point on the meter, or timing. Sometimes adding or subtracting a word can even it out. I often use a thesaurus to find a similar word with a different syllable count.
Another example would be adding 'all' to line six.
But then - I saw - you on - that day
That's when - the clouds - all went - away
Like anything else, its gets easier as you do it. I was in AP before SW and had a couple of friends who would point little things like that out.
I like the rain and summer breeze metaphors. Metaphors are a used a lot in poetry to visualize thoughts and feelings.
I really like this one. I'll have to go check out the other one I saw up.
Greg
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LOL...thank you for your kind review.
And thanks for the pointers...any you can send my way is always appreciated!
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Not crappy! It's got good hope and romance elements to it. The weather analogy is a nice one! You've got it consistently through the whole poem. Between that and the fact that you can rhyme, it's already better than a lot of poems I've seen.
If you want to polish it up, I have two tiny suggestions: use some punctuation to create the pauses and flows you want us to use. I find myself using dashes, semicolons and commas a lot in my poems.
The other idea is to smooth the rhythm out so every line has exactly the same meter and foot. Some of your lines, all you need is an extra syllable or two. Like line 2: if you add "my" and "down", you get the extra two syllables you need to make it match the first line:
Before -- we met -- my life -- was pain
My tears -- fell down -- like end -- less rain
But yay, you're trying something new! That's great. I can't wait to read the other poem you posted today.
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Oh thank you! And thank you for the advice. You know, it was you that inspired me. I loved that poem you wrote so much!
Also, I find that my writing lacks the beautiful, almost poetic, type of prose that so many good writers use. It lacks grace...I think. So, I'm hoping that delving into poetry may help with that!
Thanks again!
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Ooh, an idea has struck me. Ouch! You might want to take Irish's class, How to Make your Narrative Sing. I took it, and WOW! It's amazing. I learned a ton. It's on how to do exactly what you said.
Although, writing poetry is never the wrong way to do something.
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I started to take her class. I made it through lesson one, no problem.
Then lesson two came along, to write an entire paragraph as a metaphor, and I panicked! I never finished the class.
Maybe I should give it another try--if she'll have me.
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