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Harold Walker was an unusually rare person; for the simplest of facts that he was happy. He had a small Victorian-styled house on Creek Road, a neighborhood teeming with his life-long friends. His wife, Lewis, he had met in college. They had dated for some time and soon married, partly because they were surely in love, and partly because they were strictly religious and could not resist each other any longer. Soon after marriage, they had decided not to have children - a manipulated decision really, for Harold had tried his hardest to get it in Lewis's mind that having children was not only painful and disgusting, but it would give her stretch marks. Truth was, Harold just could not deal with children. In his mind, children were 'nasty noisies' that divorced the loveliest of couples.2
Harold had gotten a doctorate degree and was an established podiatrist and Lewis was a woman of science. She was a scientist, now working in Med Laboratories, a government funded research centre that paid her handsomely. Admittedly, they both let themselves go - perhaps it was that time in marriage. Harold had developed a well-rounded beer-belly and often over indulged in his sweet tooth. Lewis, though had become all but skin and bone. But it did little to daunt them. It was just that time in life, it seems. 3
So, life had treated them very well. They loved each other. They had parties once a month for friends and family. They toured on vacations to Paris, Oslo and Berlin, sometimes even Ankara. Yes, Harold Walker was a very happy man and as a happy man, nothing extraordinary could ever happen to him - or so he had always thought. 4
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That fateful Sunday morning of June was hot and humid. Creek Road residents were beginning to rise from their deep slumber. Men peeked out of their doors to get the newspapers, coffe mugs in hand, eyes flinching in the sunlight and women set their little tables, poured milk for their children and made round-shaped pancakes. 8
It was an ordinary day in an ordinary world. 9
But when Harold Walker opened his door, he found not a newspaper that he expected, but a little basket with a pink blanket, wrapped around a sleeping baby. Harold blinked and closed the door. He immediately went inside, desperately hoping he was hallucinating. 10
Lewis was at the Lab since the previous morning. She had been working late recently, and though Harold did not mind, she had become increasingly stressed out. He picked up his cell from the kitchen counter and dialled her number. 11
"Med Laboratories." said the automated, robotic voice.12
"Harold Walker."13
"Who do you want to contact?"14
"Lewis Walker, Chief Researcher, Team 1."15
"Please wait. This may take a few moments." Harold certainly did not feel like waiting. His heart was hammering inside his rib cage. What the hell is a baby doing on my porch?16
"Sorry, but the required personnel cannot be reached. Please try later."17
Harold flipped the cell phone shut. Typical, he thought. Hesitantly, Harold went to the door and opened it again. Sure enough, the baby was still there. It stirred at his sound, opening wide blue eyes. It cooed slightly and opened its mouth - only to begin wailing loudly. Oh, god no! Aware that the neighbours might be prying, he quickly scooped the baby up and brought it inside. It wailed even louder. 18
I'm probably not holding it right, said Harold, lifting it up by its legs. It cried all the more. Then, he places it in his arms with its head on his upper arm. It seemed to settle down, but still kept crying. Do I wack it? He wondered if it might stop the crying. 19
He moved his arms around, hoping the sway might help it get back to sleep. It was a pink, wrinkled little thing with a small mouth and tiny hands that curled around his shirt, almost as if seeking comfort. Suddenly, a strange, putrid smell wafted up to him. He felt a wet warmth on his arm. 20
"Ack!" Harold cried out, letting go of the baby. Thankfully, it tumbled onto the couch but cried ever the louder. "Oh, you disgusting little thing!" said Harold. 21
Ignoring the wailing baby, he went to the bathroom and put on a clean new shirt, after scrubbing his skin raw. When he returned, the baby looked happier. Oh sure, you're relived! 22
"What do I do with you?" said Harold out loud, poking its tummy with his finger. The stench was unbearable. 23
Suddenly, an idea came to him. Harold quickly picked up his phone and called Social Services. 24
"Hello, this Harold Walker."25
"May we help you sir?"26
"I have a baby."27
"Pardon, sir?"28
"I have a baby - it's - it's not mine. Someone left it on the porch."29
"Someone left a baby left on your porch?" Harold knew it must have sounded incredulous. These things hardly even happened in movies anymore.30
"Exactly - I - I don't know who the hell it was! What do I do? It's stinky and - and gross."31
"Sir, please calm down, we'll send someone over."32
"Oh thank you, God bless you!"33
"No problem, sir. Your adress?"34
"Uh - No 43, Creek Road, Rose Avenue."35
"Thank you, sir."36
"Oh no, thank you, bless you -"37
Click. The operator hanged up. Harold distanced himself from the baby and sat down, peering at it with interest. He had no idea how people could deal with these things. Noisy and stinky and pink and wrinkled - what was there to love? The baby looked at him with an odd curiosity, reaching at its hand forward, mouth open in delight. Harold had no idea why it looked so happy. As it kicked the blanket, little feet popped out. 38
Oh! Harold chuckled despite himself. They do have cute feet, he thought. He was a podiatrist after all. 39
After nearly an hour, Social Services came in a little white van. Two big-boned women descended from the van, and walked up to him. Harold was already on the veranda, holding out the baby in his hands, ignoring the smell. 40
"Oh, come here you little cutie," said one of them, reached over and took the baby back to the van. 41
"Hello sir, my name is Susan. So, uh - where did you find the baby?" The other woman turned to Harold. 42
"Here, by the door."43
"I see, is there anyone in the house beside you?"44
"No. Just me."45
"I see, do you have any kids?"46
"By God, no!"47
"Fine, thank you, Sir."48
Susan woman turned on her heel and went back to the van. The other woman, who was handling the baby had an odd expression to her face. She talked to Susan in hushed manner that Harold certainly found suspicious. Both looked first at him, then at the baby and then nodded. Then, Susan came to him again.49
"Sir, is this baby yours?" she said loudly. 50
"Mine! Of course, not!"51
"It looks mightly like you." 52
"It does not! For one, I am not pink if you haven't noticed."53
"Sir, it's our job to know little faces and I say that baby looks quiet like you."54
"This is preposterous," said Harold. Were these women mad?55
"Either way, sir, I need a sample of your DNA for a paternity test."56
"What? That's highly unethical!"57
"Sir, I could get a court order against you - the baby looks -"58
"Nothing like me at all!" 59
"Sir, do you believe the baby is yours?"60
Harold took a deep breath. "No."61
"Then you should have no problem with a test."62
Harold considered. If it's this craziness out of my hair, he thought. "Fine." He reached into his hair and plucked a fine strand. 63
"Thank you, sir," said Susan. "We will back to you by the evening."64
"That early?" asked Harold. 65
"Yes, sir, times have changed from when we used to be kids," Susan smiled and then the two women left. Harold sighed with relief.66
What a day!67
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Harold idled away the afternoon. He made himself some tacos ( his only Mexican delight ) and enjoyed the day with some Scottish champagne and a good, thick book. He made some calls to some family friends, relating past events. Some part of his brain had automatically locked out the events of the morning, perhaps because they dealed with a child, a scenario Harold Walker did not want to revel in. 72
As dusk came to the horizon, the doorbell rang. 73
Harold opened to door and groaned. Outside, was Susan, arms cradling the little baby. 74
"Sir, the baby is yours."75
"What?" gasped Harold. 76
"The paternity test has certified you as the baby's father."77
"But - but that's impossible!" cried Harold. 78
"Mr. Walker this can happen, possibly you're simply daunted by having this baby, but that does not mean you -"79
"It's not my baby! My wife and I made a pact not to have children - ever!"80
"Mr. Walker, can I speak to your wife?" 81
"You know what, fine! Let's do speak to her," Harold furiously stormed inside and called Lewis once again. 82
The robotic voice replied: "Sorry, but the required personnel cannot be reached. Please try later." 83
"There, she cannot be reached right now!" said Harold. 84
"Mr. Walker, I am sorry but this baby belongs to you," said Susan and forced the little baby into Harold's arms. Then she turned around and ran for the van. Harold went after her. 85
"You cannot do this to me - this - this is illegal!" said Harold. 86
Susan rolled down the window. "Mr. Walker, abandoning your child on your Social Services is illegal! Do you have any idea how many poor, homeless children -"87
"You can't do this to me, please -"88
"Mr. Walker, take care of your own child," said Susan. "And it's a boy." She rolled up the window and the car skidded away.89
Harold stood in the middle of street with the blanketed baby in his arms, almost dazed. 90
To make it worse, his son began to wail. 91
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An hour later, Harold was sitting on the couch, his face white with baby power and many twisted diapers spread around him, a mark of dozens of futile attempts to get the baby into his nappies. The baby kicked and screamed and cackled ( Harold was certain it was mocking his failures ) and simply refused to put on the diapers. Finally, on the upteenth attempt and after consulting the internet for a how-to video, Harold finally got it right. He had just returned from Wal-Mart after buying a packet of diapers, a little bottle, some formula and baby wipes. Fully exhausted and highly frustrated, Harold did not see what else he could do. 96
Obviously, Social Services had made some mistake. There was no possible way that the baby could be his. He had tried calling Lewis but she was still out of reach. 97
Probably on her project, thought Harold. Beside him, the pink baby made a weird slurping sound. It giggled as spit ran down its chin. Harold cringed away. 98
Lord help me, he thought. 99
Suddenly his cell buzzed to life. Harold answered. 100
"Walker Residence, Harold speaking."101
"Mr. Walker?"102
"Yes. Who is this?"103
"Mr. Walker I am Agent Tom Hughes from the CIA."104
CIA - what in heavens? "Yes, is something wrong?"105
"Mr. Walker, when did you last speak to your wife?"106
"Almost - yesterday morning, I believe, what is this about -"107
"Mr. Walker at 2 AM last night, Med Labs exploded. The entire building crashed down -"108
Harold felt his feet sweep off the floor. Lewis. "Lewis," he said. "Oh god, Lewis, is she okay?"109
"Mr. Walker, your wife was not there at the time."110
Harold felt a wave of relief wash over him. "Where was she?"111
"Mr. Walker this may come as a shock, but your wife has been kidnapped -" 112
"What?" 113
"Lewis Walker was kidnapped and is now held at ransom by a terrorist group -"114
"Is this some sick joke!"115
"Mr. Walker, trust me, I am very serious -" 116
"What is going on here?"117
"Sir, please, listen carefully and calmly. One of her colleagues escaped from Med Labs carrying a specimen - a baby, in fact. Witnesses say she was driving to Creek Road - Mr. Walker, did you happen to see a baby?"118
The baby. "Yes - yes, the baby. I - I found it this morning. It was on the porch -"119
"Sir, that baby was left on your porch near dawn. Your wife's friend disappeared and her body was found at 4 PM this evening in her house, three bullets through her head."120
Harold felt his heart go wild. Something was definitely wrong in all of this. Panic gripped his limbs. "I - I don't understand -"121
"Mr. Walker, a specific terrorist group wants to have that baby. It is part of a medical project - your life is in danger, Mr. Walker." 122
Suddenly, someone knocked on the door - hard. The doorbell rang quiet a few times. 123
"Wait - wait, there's someone at the door -"124
"Mr. Walker - do not open that door!" 125
"It could be Susan -" 126
"Sir, please listen carefully, do not open that door - do you have a gun?" 127
"What - Lewis made me buy one - I - I don't know how to use it even."128
"Find it and hide yourself and the baby." 129
Harold obeyed. Something kicked in - some primitive survival instinct. He picked up the baby, and with the phone clasped between his shoulder and ear, he quickly flew up the stairs and into his bedroom. He rummaged around in his dresser in the door, throwing clothes out wildly. His hand felt the metalic butt of the pistol and he drew it to his thigh. 130
"I have it -" 131
"Good. Find a safe spot, and hide - I've notified a team, they're on their way." 132
Harold felt his heart would soon burst from the anxiety. Harold quickly climbed into the wardrobe. Below, he heard bullets being fired into a lock and the door slammed open. He heard a stampede of feet as men thudded inside and loud voices. 133
"Their downstairs -"134
"Be quiet, Sir. Keep your hand cupped on the baby's mouth. Make no sound. If things take a bad turn, aim and shoot -"135
Suddenly, two men filed into the room, guns in their hands. He could make our their figures in the dimness. One was large and brutish, with a thick neck and a red face. The other was smaller, but seemed somehow more dominating with his hooked nose and hungry eyes. They searched under the bed. Harold did not even dare to breathe. He held his breat and waited. Suddenly, the large man came closer to the wardrobe. The baby scuffled. 136
Harold accidently let the cell phone slip. Thud. 137
The wardrobe was pried open and instinctively, Harold shot two bullets straight into large man's chest. He recoiled and fell backwards, slamming into the other man. Harold took careful aim and fired again. In a moment, the othe man, too, fell by the bed. The baby began to wail. Damn, there might be more. Harold quietly went and stood by the door. 138
Harold waited. A minute. Two. Three. He could not take it any longer. He slipped into the hallway. No one was there. The house was silent. The smell of blood creeped through the air. 139
He returned to the wardrobe and picked up the cell again. 140
"Hello?"141
"Mr. Walker?"142
"Yes, they're dead - I - I killed them -"143
"Good. Mr. Walker the team is on their way. Don't move -"144
Suddenly a figure crossed into the room. Harold saw an gun in an outstretched arm and then a bullet fired. Thankfully, he ducked in time and the bullet went straight through the window, shattering the glass. Harold reached over and fired. The man slipped into the hallway, shouting indecipherably. 145
No time. Darn it. No time. Harold locked the door. Then, he threw the sheets off the bed and with some heaving effort, pushed the mattress through the window. Then he picked up the mobile, and with the baby in one arm, he lowered himself as much as he could, with one hand hanging by the ledge and jumped. The force hurt - but only a little. Harold opened the fence door just as the backyard door clicked open and flew into the wilderness of the forest behind. 146
He heard shouts behind him but he could not care. The adrenaline pumped through his blood like a drug. The forest was not much a forest, just a stretch of thick trees, a few yards long. The dark trees whizzed by in a blur. He ran without sight, hoping not to entangle himself in the outgrowat. Without any sense of direction, Harold simply ran, as fast as he could. The baby cried ever the more, obviously frightened by the chase. The men followed blindly, raised voices carrying like an echo. 147
As he came to edge of the forest, Harold leapt over a dirty, wooden fence and into someone's backyard. 148
He crouched behind a small tree and waited. He could hear men running in behind the fence. He cupped his hand over the baby. 149
Minutes passed by. The disturbance the men were causing retreated. Their voices dimmed. Harold quickly opened his phone and dialled the number of the last recieved call. 150
"Agent Tom - this is Harold -"151
"Harold! Where are you?" 152
"I'm in someone's backyard, I think I shook the men off -"153
"Good. Good. Excellent. Can you somehow tell me where exactly are you?"154
"What do these people want? What is happening?"155
"Listen Mr. Walker, I will explain as briefly as I can -"156
"Tell me the whole deal or I give them the damn baby -"157
A little silence. "Your wife was Chief Scientist as Med Labs. She and her team were working on a government-funded research project to clone humans -"158
"Clone humans? Lewis never said -"159
"It was top secret. Telling you would have meant her life. And yours -"160
"This is mad - is - is this baby a clone?"161
"Your wife discovered an ingenius method. She took your sperm and her own egg and implanted it inside a tank. The tank served as a surrogate. This tank was a specialized robotic human uterus. It functions almost entirely like an ordinary female body in pregnancy. The baby you are holding, is one of the two dozen specimens that were totally and completely succuesful in -"162
"There are more?"163
"Were. The blast that occured in Med Labs completely annihilated every specien - except the one you hold. It was the first and only baby to have been expelled with success through the vaginal -"164
"Who blasted the Lab?"165
"We believe it is the Church of Light."166
"Church of Light?"167
"It is a Church of fanatics. They got whiff of the experiment and saw it as a threat to their faith. They believe that man creating man is unethical - they see it as a challenge to God and hence they saw it as their duty to destroy this experiment -"168
"Did they capture Lewis?" asked Harold, feeling his temperature rise. 169
"No."170
"Then -"171
"That is the work of another group. Listen, Mr. Walker this is getting very complicated. This problem is rooted into politics and religion and what-not -"172
"Tell me - just tell me -"173
"Accendo. The group is called Accendo. It's latin for the Illuminators. It's a group of scientists that believe that the clones should be revealed to the public as a successful experiment. But the government didn't want to upset religious factions, so they prohibited it for now. But the Accendo kidnapped your wife to pressurize the Lab -"174
"But - then who is behind me?"175
"I am pretty sure it is the Church. It's not much of a problem, our men are hunting them out. Most probably, the ones after you are the last ones left. Bloody fanatics! The Accendo - well, they have more - subtle methods. They're an elite group."176
"What the hell do I do?" said Harold. 177
"Pray, Mr. Walker. The CIA is doing everything that it can do uncover where your wife is being held. Try to find a good spot, tell us where you're hiding and we will come get you as soon as -"178
"They want to the baby don't they?"179
"Yes. The baby is what they are looking for."180
Harold wondered if he should just give it to them. But he could not. He knew that. They would kill it, of course. Clone or no clone, he is my son, Harold thought. With the phone to his ear, he crawled across the backyard and to the front. He checked the mail box. 181
"Grephton Road - No. 6 Grephton Road -"182
"Excellent. The team is already by the Creek."183
Harold bent down and sat near the corner, switching the cell phone off. The baby's stifled crying was disturbing, but he paid no heed. Too much was at stake. 184
Bang. Bang. Bang.185
Bullets rang through the air. He saw lights flickering on, just as a motorcycle crashed through the fence and hurled towards him. Harold ducked away and crawled under a hedge, dragging the baby along with him. More bullets echoed.186
Suddenly, another roar sounded. Harold peered. A black Rover pulled into the driveway. Two armed men descended, wearing bullet-proof vests. Taking aim, they fired. The motorcycle wheeled away. The bullets struck the gas tank and there was a resounding explosion as the two men went up in flames, like a coughing and roaring ball of smoke and fire. Harold felt his ears numb, his hair stand up on end as the force of the explosion pushed him back.187
He smelled the acrid burning tires. The men came towards him and peered through the bushes, flashing a torchlight into his eyes. 188
"Mr. Walker?"189
"Yes! Yes - oh thank God -"190
"You're safe Mr. Walker. We're from the CIA."191
"I know - great, now get me the hell out of here!"192
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The journey to tha CIA Headquarters was brief and uneventful. Harold watched the streetlights pass by like a flying blur, their colors seemed soothing. No one said anything, except the baby that cried nonstop. Harold tried to capture its attention. He even pulled faces, but all in vain. 196
It's probably hungry, poor thing, thought Harold. 197
At length, the car skidded to a halt in front of an expansive building. The glassy windows gleamed. Outside the gate was a small shelter for the security.198
As Harold descended from the car, a man walked out of the gate. He was dressed exquisitely, in a simple-cut black suit. His face was rugged thought well-groomed and his eyes were charming grey, lit by an inner fire. He smiled at Harold. 199
"Mr. Walker," said the man. Harold recognized the voice immediately. 200
"Agent Tom?"201
The man smiled and nodded. Suddenly, Harold froze. His eyes caught a glint of metal on his arm. A bracelet. Engraved with a single word: Accendo.202
Something hard collided with the back of his skull. 203
He heard a sickening crunch.204
And everything blacked out. 205
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When Harold came to his senses, he found himself in a large, white room. He was strapped to a chair, his wrists tied down to the back of the chair tape. His skin felt raw and troubling. He twisted his purple fingers, trying to get the blood to circulate. The entire room was crammed with mismatched tables, all lined to the walls. Computer screens flickered on each table top, fax machines beeped and whizzed. There was an odd, mechanical feel in the air. Tom sat behind one of the chairs, cupping the sleeping baby in his arms. 209
"Come to, Mr. Walker? Sorry we had to keep you here, but we the other rooms are rather ... full at the moment," said Tom, setting the baby onto a chair. 210
"What do you want?" Harold asked. 211
"To illuminate, Mr. Walker ... to ... educate the masses," said Tom, glaring into Harold's eyes in a rising challenge. "You and your wife - your are people of God, right? Very religious, I here. So, tell me Mr. Walker - isn't it crystal clear that there is no God? When your own wife was able to create that which we call God's best creation - man?"212
"God has given us the tools to do anything we want," said Harold spitefully. "Our achievements - no matter how big, are a sign -"213
"A sign of his greatness?" asked Tom. Harold felt a pitying tone in his words. "Oh, you mindless people. Why - why? Why do you want to believe in a greater power? Why not take fate into your own hand?"214
"I have my reasons," said Harold. 215
"And look where you ... ended up," said Tom. He turned around and pressed a few key board buttons. 216
"Where is my wife?" said Harold. 217
"Safe and sound - she is a remarkable scientist, Mr. Walker," said Tom. "No one but I can respect that. The Accendo does not want to harm. We want to ... illuminate. We want truth and justice -"218
"What about those men -"219
"They got what they deserved. We rooted out each of those morons - they were trying to kill you, your wife, her team and dozens of babies! You should be thankful Mr. Walker. They got justice -"220
Harold was silent. He looked around fervently, trying to locate something sharp. He gently pushed the chair behind, careful not make a sound. His hands fumbled on something sharp. A nail perhaps, sticking out of a table. Yes. Carefully, Harold grazed the tape along the nail. He could feel it ripping slowly - the pressure began to lift. 221
"In a few minutes, one my colleagues will hack into every major news network in the country," said Tom. "Then, it will all finally be over. We have all the reports. All the monitorings from Med Labs - religion will fall and with it, peace will come ... you see, Harold, every war that has tainted this land is all spewed from from God ... Science is the new religion. Truth. Justice. Enlightenment -" 222
Suddenly, Harold heard bullets ring through the air. Tom jumped out of his chair, his face ashen. Harold heard a crash. More bullets. Footsteps scattering in different directions. 223
A short, skinny man burst through the door. His hair and black, round glasses were askew. 224
"Damn SWAT, they're on us," said the man. 225
He looked around and raised his hands, quickly backing into the corridor. Harold saw two shadows take him down. Tom seized a gun and put it to Harold's head just as two officers filed inside, huge guns outstretched and loaded. They made a formidable couple. Beside him, Tom shook like a leaf in the high wind. 226
"Don't - don't come closer - I will shoot. I swear -" said Harold. 227
"Drop the weapon and put your hands in the air," said one of the officers. "Drop the weapon!"228
"I will shoot - don't you dare - I will shoot -" 229
"Drop the weapon!"230
Harold closed his eyes and concentrated hard. In one heaving effort, he heard the tape rip from his wrists. He swung his hand around, catching Tom with sudden surprise. In his fear, he let go of the gun. Harold got up and kneed him in the chest. One of the officers quickly overtook him and held his hand, while the other pressed down over the fallen criminal, cuffing his hands behind his head. 231
Harold shook free of the officer and quickly went over to the baby that was now wailing again. 232
Oh, like music to the ears, though Harold, hugging the baby with all his might. 233
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Just as he came outside the gates, a thin, tall figure slammed into him. Lewis and Harold fell crashing to the ground, arm in arm. Harold had never felt a greater desire to hold his wife. He took in the warmth of her skin, the smell of her hair, the soft touch of her lips as she kissed his cheeks. He held her for a long time in embrace, hoping the moment would never end. Harold had been happy. But he had never been happier. 237
"Oh, honey, I am so sorry ... so, so sorry," she sobbed into his neck.238
"There, there ... it's all over." Harold gently patting her on the back. "It's all over." 239
"This - this was all my fault - I am so sorry, I never meant -" 240
"Hush, hush ..."241
They stood in front of the gates. Sirens burst from the surrounding car. Lights flashed brightly: red and blue. An officer came up to them, the baby in her hand. 242
"Ma'am, your son," said the officer, handing over the baby to a bewildered Lewis. 243
Lewis looked at Harold. He saw something in her eyes, he had thought he would never see. A longing. 244
"We can't -" she began, beginning to tear. 245
"We can and we will," Harold whispered into his ear. He turned to the Officer. "Thank you for returning our son, Officer."246
The baby cooed in answer, fidgeting inside a little blanket. Lewis kissed it through her tears. 247
Harold looked at the pair. Mother and son. Well, if this was meant to be. He would simply have to make peace with the thought of children. 248
Oh well, he does have cute little feet.249
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In a list
A contest entry
- Regular Short Stories [anything goes] by amanda vampiress.
900 points, ends December 5, 69 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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Awesome story Asfand. Very great indeed. You should try and incorporate it into a novel. When i started reading it, I was wondering that what the hell is he going to do with the baby. And why the hell the baby looks like him if it isn't his. The story gripped me till the end. I like the ending the most. But i think three cops should not have died. But anyways, awesome story.
Farhan.
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Harold was a fantastica character, completely unlike the stereotypical protagonist of a plot. There were a few errors, but keep writing and building on it! Good luck in the contest!
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Oh, lovely story! I had some good laughs along the way-thanks for that! Great suspense, theme and characters.
Awwed at the ending.
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Ain't this the sweetest little story!
I really like the transition from how he was towards the baby in the beginning versus how he was towards the baby in the end. I especially liked the mention of the baby's cute little feet. Excellent, masterful touch.
I think this story has it all. I mean, one minute, I'll be laughing at Harold's reaction towards the baby; the next, I'm stricken by fear when they are trying to hide; and then, in the end, the romance is really clear.
BRAVO!!! Excellent combinations! If this were a drink, it would definitely be something out of this world. Well, you didn't have aliens, so....maybe not really 'out of this world.'
I know I promised a comment two days ago. I apologize for the delay. As always, your writing is awesome. I'm looking forward to reading more in the future.
***
Suggestions:
Par 2: Harold Walker was an unusually rare person; for the simplest of facts [for the simplest fact] that he was happy.
Par 3: She was a scientist, now working in Med Laboratories, a government funded [government-funded] research centre that paid her handsomely. Admittedly, they both let themselves go - perhaps it was that time in marriage [What time in marriage?]. / Lewis, though [,] had become all but skin and bone. / It was just that time in life, it seems [seemed]. [What time in life?]
Par 4: Yes, Harold Walker was a very happy man and [,] as a happy man, nothing extraordinary could ever happen to him - or so he had always thought.
Par 8: That fateful Sunday morning [What’s fateful about ‘that’ morning?] of June was hot and humid. / Men peeked out of their doors to get the newspapers, coffe [coffee] mugs in hand, eyes flinching in the sunlight [,] and women set their little tables, poured milk for their children and made round-shaped pancakes.
Par 11: Lewis was at the Lab [lab] since the previous morning. / He picked up his cell from the kitchen counter and dialled [dialed] her number.
Par 12: "Med Laboratories." [,”]said the automated, robotic voice.
Par 19: Then, he places [placed] it in his arms with its head on his upper arm. / Do I wack [whack] it?
Par 22: Ignoring the wailing baby, he went to the bathroom and put on a clean new shirt, [no comma] after scrubbing his skin raw. Oh sure, you're relived [relieved]!
Par 23: "What do I do with you?" said Harold out loud [aloud], poking its tummy with his finger.
Par 33:"Oh thank you, God bless you!"33 [“Oh, thank you! God bless you!”]
Par 34:"Your adress [address]?"
Par 35: "Uh – No [No? Oh…you mean number?] 43, Creek Road, Rose Avenue."
Par 38: Click. The operator hanged [hung] up. / The baby looked at him with an odd curiosity, reaching at [del: at] its hand forward, mouth open in delight.
Par 44: "I see, [.] is [Is] there anyone in the house beside [besides] you?"
Par 46: "I see, [.] do [Do] you have any kids?"
Par 48: "Fine, thank you, Sir [sir]."
Par 49: Susan woman [Susan woman???] turned on her heel and went back to the van. The other woman, who was handling the baby [,] had an odd expression to her face. She talked to Susan in [a] hushed manner that Harold certainly found suspicious.
Par 52: "It looks mightly [mightily] like you."
Par 54: "Sir, it's our job to know little faces and I say that baby looks quiet [quite] like you."
Par 72: He made himself some tacos ([no space] his only Mexican delight ) and enjoyed the day with some Scottish champagne and a good, thick book. /Some part of his brain had automatically locked out the events of the morning, perhaps because they dealed [dealt] with a child, a scenario Harold Walker did not want to revel in.
Par 74: Harold opened to door and groaned. Outside, [del: comma] was Susan, arms cradling the little baby.
Par 79: "Mr. Walker [,] this can happen, possibly you're simply daunted by having this baby, but that does not mean you -"
Par 85: Then she turned around and ran [ran???] for the van.
Par 96: An hour later, Harold was sitting on the couch, his face white with baby power [powder] and many twisted diapers spread around him, a mark of dozens of futile attempts to get the baby into his nappies. The baby kicked and screamed and cackled ([no space] Harold was certain it was mocking his failures ) and simply refused to put on the diapers. Finally, on the upteenth [umpteenth] attempt [,] and after consulting the internet for a how-to video, Harold finally got it right.
Par 105: CIA - what in heavens [heaven’s] ?
Par 108: "Mr. Walker [,] at 2 AM last night, Med Labs exploded."
Par 112: "Mr. Walker [,] this may come as a shock, but your wife has been kidnapped -"
Par 123: The doorbell rang quiet [quite] a few times.
Par 130: His hand felt the metalic [metallic] butt of the pistol and he drew it to his thigh.
Par 133: He heard a stampede of feet as men thudded inside and loud voices. [He heard a stampede of feet and loud voices as men thudded inside.]
Par 134: "Their [They’re] downstairs -"
Par 135: "Be quiet, Sir [sir]."135
Par 136: He could make our [out] their figures in the dimness. / He held his breat [breath] and waited.
Par 138: The wardrobe was pried open and [,] instinctively, Harold shot two bullets straight into [the] large man's chest. / In a moment, the othe [other]man, too, fell by the bed.
Par 139: The smell of blood creeped [crept] through the air.
Par 144: "Good. Mr. Walker [,] the team is on their way. Don't move -"
Par 145: Suddenly [,] a figure crossed into the room. Harold saw an [a] gun in an outstretched arm and then a bullet fired.
Par 146: Harold locked the door. Then, he threw the sheets off the bed and with some heaving effort, pushed the mattress through the window. [Harold locked the door, threw the sheets off the bed, and, with some heaving effort, pushed the mattress through the window.] Then he picked up the mobile, and with the baby in one arm, he lowered himself as much as he could, with one hand hanging by the ledge and jumped. [He picked up the mobile and the baby, then lowered himself as much as he could with one hand hanging by the ledge and jumped.]
Par 147: He ran without sight, hoping not to entangle himself in the outgrowat [???].
Par 149: He cupped his hand over the baby. [Where at?]
Par 150: Harold quickly opened his phone and dialled [dialed] the number of the last recieved [received] call.
Par 153: "I'm in someone's backyard, [;] I think I shook the men off -"
Par 154: "Can you somehow tell me where exactly are you [where you are exactly]?"
Par 156: "Listen [,] Mr. Walker, I will explain as briefly as I can -"
Par 162: "Your wife discovered an ingenius [ingenious] method. / The baby you are holding, [del: comma] is one of the two dozen specimens that were totally and completely succuesful [successful] in -"
Par 164: "The blast that occured [occurred] in Med Labs completely annihilated every specien [specimen?] - except the one you hold."
Par 172: "Listen, Mr. Walker [,] this is getting very complicated. This problem is rooted into [in] politics and religion and what-not [whatnot]-"
Par 176: "It's not much of a problem, [;] our men are hunting them out."
Par 177: "What the hell do I do?" said [asked] Harold.
Par 178: "Try to find a good spot, tell us where you're hiding [,] and we will come get you as soon as -"
Par 179: "They want to [del: to] the baby [,] don't they?"
Par 181: He checked the mail box [mailbox].
Par 191: "You're safe [,] Mr. Walker."
Par 196: The journey to tha [the] CIA Headquarters was brief and uneventful.
Par 199: He was dressed exquisitely, [del: comma] in a simple-cut black suit. His face was rugged thought [though] well-groomed and his eyes were charming grey, lit by an inner fire.
Par 209: He was strapped to a chair, his wrists tied down [could do without ‘down’] to the back of the chair tape. / Computer screens flickered on each table top [tabletop], fax machines beeped and whizzed.
Par 210: "Sorry we had to keep you here, but we [we???] the other rooms are rather ... full at the moment," said Tom, setting the baby onto a chair.
Par 212: "You and your wife - your [you] are people of God, right?"
Par 216: He turned around and pressed a few key board [keyboard] buttons.
Par 220: "You should be thankful [,] Mr. Walker."
Par 221: He gently pushed the chair behind [behind what?], careful not [to] make a sound.
Par 222: "In a few minutes, one [of] my colleagues will hack into every major news network in the country. / All the monitorings from Med Labs - religion will fall and with it, peace will come ... you see, Harold, every war that has tainted this land is all spewed from from [del: repeated word] God ... Science is the new religion." 222
Par 239: Harold gently patting [patted] her on the back.
Par 242: An officer came up to them, the baby in her hand [arms?].
Par 244: He saw something in her eyes, [no comma] he had thought he would never see.
Par 248: Well, if this was meant to be. He would simply have to make peace with the thought of children. [Well, if this was meant to be, he would simply have to make peace with the thought of children.]
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I loved it!
The whole thing can be summed up in one word: Wow.
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As always, the idea is great. I really enjoyed reading this, and liked how his views of children changed towards the end.
One thing: #227 should be Tom instead of Harold.
Really good. Well done, this is great
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Extremely well done
I liked how you started it and I really like how you ended it with the simple line "Oh well, he does have cute feet."
Good luck in your contests
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You had me from the start. I mean, how true is the fact that happy people are in the minority in this world that we live in? And the plot was very engaging as well. I enjoyed the development of the characters, and it actually felt like a story (some short stories aren't detailed enough to satisfy, you know?). Very nice job!
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A good story. Well told.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thanks a lot, Marta! Always appreciate your feedback!
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Great jod!!
Very well written, that I must say. It flowed, and this is something I find not that often in short stories.
I enjoyed the language used and the amount of detail provided. The plot was very interesting as well.
As to your characters, I can only congratulate you on a good job in developing them and creating a clear image of who they are.
Thumbs up for you
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Thank you very much!! I really appreciate the feedback!
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Good!
You kept my attention all throughthe piece.
Good detail. Address~spelling error only change needed I saw.
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Thank you so much Zephyr! Glad you like it!
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this is really good
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Wow. This was an engaging thriller, and that added bit of sci-fi was too good. You're a very talented writer. Wish you best of luck in all your endeavours!
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Thank you very much Saffron! I appreciate the feedback!
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