My Nightmare --- PLEASE COMMENT ---

I walk into your room. Its messy as usual and I laugh as I see you still have that stupid hippo I gave you on valentine's day ten years ago. Its amazing just how happy you are today, its amazing just how dirty your room is but at the very same, how radiant and beautiful it looks. I try to sit down somewhere, and find your inflatable ball as the only source to recline in.1

You turn on the radio and try to dance... YOU TRY but you just look like a dork ... I adore you though, because even though your girlfriend broke up with you, You find it within you to just get right back up and go with the flow... I wish I could be more like you... I'm still devastated over my love that stomped my heart, and that has been six months ago.2

All of a sudden your mom comes in and tells you its almost dinnertime. She invites me to eat dinner with you as well, I agree and try to somehow pull my body up from your inflatable ball, you help me, and then, the room suddenly gets dark. I grab your shirt for security and you turn on a lamp beside your bed.3

Suddenly... your eyes turn white, I try to scream but no sound will come out, I have seen eyes roll into the back of one's head before, I witnessed this event when my father died of lung cancer... you collapse to the floor and as I try to pick you up I see a gun near the floor, and your face is distorted... no words can express the horror nor devastation in seeing that.4

Your mom comes in and she collapses on the floor, I run to her and try to revive her, she awakens and weeps upon me, All she can say is "My baby boy is gone, my one and only baby boy is gone... You didn't save him... Why? WHY DIDN'T YOU SAVE HIM?!?!" The room is spinning and I cannot believe this, I didn't see the gun, I didn't know this would happen! I should have known! But I didn't see it coming!!5

She runs to your body, and her cries stab me with such unbearable guilt... I have blood all over me, I go to the bathroom, but the blood just stays there, I scream and again, no sound comes out, I try to wash the blood off my face and then I look up and in the mirror I see your eyes... blood trickling down your face...6

I look in horror, you come up to me and try to hug me and I collapse.... As I awake I sceam from such a horrible nightmare, but even more so, I weep, because your suicide became reality.7

Author notes

I've been having nightmares ever since my friend died. He killed himself almost three weeks ago and I heard some details about how he killed himself that literally haunt my dreams. For the past five nights it has gotten more severe. This is a dream I dreamt last night, I woke up and screamed... I felt bad, my cousin came running into my room --- he thought someone was trying to break in, I scared him so bad.

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Comments

1 - 28 of 28
  • LaAmyaArlene
    October 23, 2005
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    Somehow I missed this. It breaks my heart, and gives me chills. Its horrible. I'm sorry sis Do you think I could post this in the group magazine? The topic this month is suicide, and maybe this story could help someone... I have tears in my eyes, and I'm like, shaking. Toni-Lynn died the same way too, and just, blah

    Love you!

    LaLa


  • nmbr1gothicchick22
    October 17, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    I to have had bad drams, Dreams are a metaphor of what we do not know and what we do not understand. As your wounds heal the dreams will go away
    love always sasha

  • Miss Faerie
    October 6, 2005
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    Oh sweetheart... there is nothing that anyone can do to save those who have decided that they no longer want to live... you haven't done anything wrong, and it upsets me to read things like this and know that you are blaming yourself... you're amazing and nothing you've done is to blame...
    Love always
    Shari

  • swanpool
    August 28, 2005
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    It is a fact that with suicides the people that are left behind feel an enormous, amount of guilt, all the I should have seen it comings, and maybe if I had been there for them, and listened more, but that does not change the facts, when someone ids determined that their life is truly not worth living, there is nothing you could have done or said to change the out come,maybe only the timing. I have watched my mother wrestle with these same feelings for over 30 years, after my fathers suicide when I was 8, so I am speaking from experience, just be glad that they are now at peace, and that what ever was causing them so much pain, is no longer there.


  • Elvenfairy
    August 27, 2005
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    wow, this must have been one horrible dream! Perhaps the reason you are having nightamres is because you are still shoken up about the things taht have happened in your life recently. I don't want to offend you or anything, but maby you should see a councelor.... I had dreams like that befor, and counciling helped. It's not just for insane people, evryone can benifit from it. Anyways, I am not trying to tell you you are insane or anything, and I don't know you..... so perhaps I should just go now... yeah, thats what I will do... (crawls back into her cave to sleep for another thousand years)

  • paper scars
    August 26, 2005
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    Wow, this is a great poem, I understand what you're going through because it happened to me last year, only I was in the next room... I too think that I could have somehow saved her if I'd only known, but we never really do. Even though I know its unreasonable to blame myself, I do, and it taunts me to no end. Great Descriptions and write; if you always write from the heart it will be great, keep up the good work :-)
    ~Sarah


  • Froze In Fear
    August 25, 2005
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    sad

    hey, i have a lot of nightmares too... everytime i have one it ends up comming true. my doctor ses it's bc i'm medium, it's a psycic power or something, i think i'm just cursed in knowing when my friends and family and other pple too are gunna die and i can't stop them. this is a sad nightmare you had, is this true, i mean your friend committing suicide? if so i'm really sry about it and i hope you can get through it the way i'm trying to get over mine! hugs and kisses! ~Emylie


  • EidolonDesires
    August 25, 2005
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    Hey baby doll, I am sorry about the nightmares....I hate dreams, most of mine turn into nightmares, I can not imagine the pain you feel inside, I truly deeply sorry....I don't know what else to say besides that I will pray that these demons stop haunting you.....*hugs*
    love,
    Chris

  • Stick Bug
    August 25, 2005
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    What a nightmare. But they are just images in your head.
    Keep writing.

  • Shadow of a Doubt
    August 25, 2005
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    The same thing happened to my friend a few months ago. The best thing to do is focus on the good times you had with him, not what happened in the end. If you need someone to talk to, who doesn't know you, and can't judge you, email me at katie.e.edge@btinternet.com. I know you need someone to talk to, to remember the good times.Speak to me, and I will help you through these torrid times.
    Forever here,
    A very concerned stranger. xxx

  • Blushfulmoon
    August 24, 2005
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    powerful~

    I realize you are still really stressed out over your friend hun
    Bless your heart.....before you go to bed try to think of the good times you had together and maybe your nightmares won't be as bad
    If you need to talk you know I am here.....and I posted a new one tonight also
    Love ya sweetie
    Your sis
    Susan~~~

  • racergirl212006
    August 24, 2005
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    this is a very good piece. i like it a lot. i can relate. my friend did die, not of suicide. but of a meth overdose. and i feel as though i could have saved him. and it haunts me. i know how you feel. im sorry you had to go through this. i hope it gets better for you. if you ever need any one to talk to, im here


  • monkeysee72
    August 24, 2005
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    sad but theres hope

    Hi, I had two friends do this for the same reasons. It's hard to understand the desperation a person feels just before they take thier own life, sometimes even they can not understand it either. I can tell you when I was fifteen I tried to do this to myself, and by the grace of god I failed. I am now 33 and have two beautiful children. You see asa hard as this might be, you can't let yourself feel guilty for what happened. It happened for reasons that have nothing to do with you or anyone else in your friends life, they happened because of something in that person didn't feel right to them. No one else did that, and it may sound stupid, but take from me, there was nothing you could have done especailly if he showed no signs, he was determined, and he did it. I do suggest you seek counseling for yourself, even if you where not there, there is post termatic stress that you are experincing, and with no sleep and nightmares it'll eat you up inside.I am glad I didn't acomplish what I had tried, because I wouldn't want to hurt those I would leave behind in this way. Good luck my heart is with you!


  • Angelindiskyz
    August 24, 2005
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    God lil sis - I cant imagine what you are going through right now. My granfather shot himself as well but I was just a little girl at the time. But I remember my moms screams as she heard the news on the phone that night. That is a scream that I can never get out of my head for all eternity. May peace be with you my sweet lil sister. I am here if you need me.

  • meejin
    August 23, 2005
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    Goodness, this is a nightmere, alright. Sounds like one of those nightmeres that you wake up and you're just exhausted from. Losing a friend is horrible, especially that way. I hope your dreams become less troubling for you soon-perhaps if you turn them into stories, it will settle down. Are any of your friends who were friends with your friend willing to talk about it yet? It would be good for you to talk to someone. And remember, it's not your fault. You did not do this. I hope you come to terms with this at some point, babe, and good luck. Great job with it, too.

    Allison

  • EveJustWantedToKnow
    August 23, 2005
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    holy shit, this is freaky. do you have anyone you can talk to? this is really rough stuff babe; i'm so sorry you have to deal with it.

    ~Kate

  • Brittany Rose
    August 23, 2005
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    My goodness, so sad! I'm so sorry for your lose, and I thought I had it bad. But I must say this is a very good write, keep it up, I hope things get better for you.

  • LovesSuicide
    August 23, 2005
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    AWESOME

    You misspelled scream in the last stanza or whatever you wanna call it. I loved this piece though. I am glad i dont dream anymore in my dreams. I dream of what happens the next day & it usually does. Yea, I am a weird kid but you already knew that. I feel horrible that your still getting nightmares about his death, but just know its not your fault nor was it anyone elses. Trust me the nightmares will end soon. Sometimes you just have to let go. You know? This is an excellent piece. Your in my prays. Keep it up & never give up. Remember im here if you ever need me.


  • bird-mad girl
    August 23, 2005
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    Aw, sweetie, I'm so sorry. I've had nightmares like that before. Seeing the death of a loved one, I even see the deaths of people I don't even know. It's freaky because when you wake up, it felt so real. And in some cases, stuff like that did happen. I don't know what to do to stop dreams like that. But I think the reason why you are having these dreams is because you feel such guilt and sorrow for your friend's death.
    Feel better hun, and you can call my cell phone whenever (just not during the day cuz school started and I'll try to call you as soon as I can hun.)
    Much love

    Always and Forever,
    ~Kendal
    Edited on Aug 23, 3:41 p.m. because 'eaching peachs and grass... '.


  • mshairi
    August 23, 2005
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    am not good at being comforting,thanx for being honest and daring enuff to share all this with us....not to be nosy but have u talked to someone about all this?pliz do and am speaking as a Councellor(sic)not good at spellings either forgive me. but try and talk to someone if you will,Again keep the good work up.


  • Sherry gold member
    August 23, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    Gosh Sara,
    What a horrible dream sounds like your being tormented and where you lost ya friend in reality. Its robably some of the reason why your dreaming it since its on your mind due to this recently happening. If I dreamed something like that I would have been really upset just as I'm sure you are. Honey please talk to someone do you have a therapist? Really dear one maybe to help you deal with the heartache. I don't want it to take you down to where you can't cope honey. Not saying you can't cry they was your friend. Just where you aren't having these bad dreams ok?
    Love, Mom

    Edited on Aug 23, 12:49 because ''.

  • Courage2Survive
    August 23, 2005
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    This was sad but I liked it alot. I am sorry for your loss and if you ever need to talk, I am here. Don't feel guilty. It's not your fault at all. It was his choice. There is a reason for everything. You were a good friend... I am sure.


  • haikumonk gold member
    August 23, 2005
    Edit | Reply


  • leander
    August 23, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    awe sweety I can imagine how hard it must be to have nightmares like this... but you can't and may not blame yourself for this... It's very sad this happens, but nothing of this is your fault darling...


    Leander


  • JaydensNanas
    August 23, 2005
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    I'm soooo sorry!!!! :(

    Awwwwwwwwwwwww, this is sooooo sad!! Big 's for you from Ohio....what I picked up in this dream was that this was someone very close to you and that they committed suicide and that you feel soooo guilty because you felt like you should of seen signs or warnings and that you feel bad because you didn't stop this from happening!
    Suicide is very devastating, to see or imagine everything the way the suicide went through. My grandfather was 96 years old when he died from suicide which happened only 2 years ago...we are not responsible for their actions no matter what we could or couldn't have done! Then it is hard to "forgive" them sometimes because we are so hurt from them not turning to us for help...i try very hard to let that go as soon as I could because it isn't worth it...I want to continue to love them for their memory of what relationship we had...I really didnt deal with my grandpa's suicide that well...it is a very hard thing to get through....Talk to a counselor or go to grief groups to help you get through this!! It is so hard! Many blessings to you!


  • Ben Stickle
    August 23, 2005
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    Oww. This one got me in the gut. I had a friend who committed suicide when I was in High school. It hurts more than anything can truly express. The nightmares last a while, too. I have deep sympathy for you. I don't "feel your pain" because everyones is different, but I do feel for the loss. Heal well.


  • Ashlend
    August 23, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    damn. I'm so sorry you lost him. Was there a reason why he did that? You should go to a hypnotyst or something so you don't have nightmares. I'm sorry that you had to loose him like that.
    *hugs*
    -Jae

  • serene darkness
    August 23, 2005
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    aww hun

    no amount of words can make up for your loss...and no such words exist to ease your pain youre experiencing. no such "sorry" can alleviate the despair and no "im here if you need to talk" can make things better.

    but i truly am sorry and its the only thing i know how to say. here if needed ♥

    .:Jen

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