The Triplet Adventure [1]

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Bonbo was born in the most unusual of circumstances: on the back of a llama. 5

His mother Petry had been tending the llamas when Bonbo had decided to come along, a decision that was later attributed to his estrange behaviour, so she had screamed for help. A religious preacher, who had happened to be strolling by had come in time for the delivery, and in his old-fashioned tradition, he had sat Petry on top of the llama. It had been custom tradition decades ago, a sign of luck, but now people frowned at the very thought. Bonbo had been a healthy baby, over a stone in weight but different. Unlike all the other Groblers of Redhall, and to the surprise of his mother, he had pink eyes instead of the common brown beads. His hair was a golden-white color, not quiet beautiful but a rarity and his skin was as pale as coldstone. Yes, Bonbo was the first albino Grobler in Redhall. 6

The Groblers are a quiet race of little people. Even the tallest are less than four feet in height. They have stocky builds and are generally portly, with little chubby hands and feet. Redhall is their only known residence, a small town nestled cozily between three towering mountains. It is a comfortable town, with little wooden houses, their roofs painted a bright red (a color the Groblers think is a blessing of happiness) and their gardens cluttered with various ingenious pieces of their eccentric inventions. 7

All Groblers are naturally technician's of innate skill. They love to invent, whether the invention be useful or not does not matter, as long as it challenges their creativity. Despite their chubby hands, they work metal and leather and wool alike with the utmost care and fragility. So, when Bonbo was born his mother and father expected the boy to show the mechanical ingenuity that every Grobler was naturally expected of. 8

Except Bonbo had no such talent. 9

He hated metal. 10

He hated tools and needles. 11

He hated smithies and their burning hot coal.12

Yes, Bonbo was a queer Grobler as all he seemed to like were herbs. 13

Despite his parent's nagging about his choice, Bono turned a deaf ear to their scorns and kept caring for herbs. He built a little garden and filled it with the oddest and the strangest of plants: little black and blue flowers that closed their mouths around his pinkie, foreign vines that spread around the ground and entangled anyone that walked near them, farting vegetables, and odd-shaped little beans that sagged and became flaccid whenever he yelled at them, and became fat and firm when he sang. Bonbo was as happy as he could be. 14

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One day, a small caravan loaded with potted flowers came along. Bonbo was giddy with excitement. He loved foreign travellers - they brought the most dearest of flowers. 20

The merchant was a thin, frail-looking man with a glass-eye and a big, freckled nose. Parked in the middle of the Redhall Square, he peered at Bonbo as he came along, flushed with curiosity. 21

"You strike me as a lover of plants, little boy," said the man. 22

"Oh yes, I love plants!" said Bonbo.23

"Good, good!" said the merchant. "I have in here the most wonderful species you will ever lay your eyes upon, boy!" The merchant got up and with one heaving effort, pulled the cloth off of his wagon. Bonbo gasped. 24

Inside were the most colorful flowers he had ever seen. There were three of them, bell-shaped and drooping till they touched the ground. One side was slightly parted like an opening in a curtain. One was blue, the other yellow and the next one orange, all from the same plant, and all perfectly precious. 25

"I'll buy these!" said Bonbo, almost jumping up and down. "I'll buy these! Please, let me buy these!"26

"Hold on now, son," said the merchant. "I got these off a good bargain! Ten golden pieces!" 27

Bonbo's heart skipped a beat. His beefy face sagged. Ten golden pieces. That was all he had safe. 28

"I - that's too much!" Bonbo protested. 29

"Ten pieces, take them or leave them!" said the merchant. 30

"Six pieces," said Bonbo. 31

"Ten!" said the man. 32

"Seven pieces and a watercup flower!" said Bonbo triumphantly. 33

"Ten pieces, boy!" said the merchant. 34

"Eight pieces or nothing!" said Bonbo. 35

"Hm - let's get this, my last offer - eight pieces and a farting vegetable! I know you have them, boy! I can smell them off you!" said the man greedily. 36

Bonbo sealed the deal and quickly fetched a potted farting vegetable. The green bulb noisily protested as it exchanged hands. Bonbo bid the merchant a fine day and returned to his garden, happily carrying the white pot with the brilliant flowers. They were quite large, each as large as his fist. 37

Once safe inside his garden, he shut the fence and shovelled a little bit of ground away. Then he carefully loosened the edges of the dirt in the pot and transfered it to the ground. He thought the flowers giggled a little. He heard a noise that sounded certainly like a sneeze. 38

"Oh, aren't you amazing little things!" said Bonbo. They really brightened up the whole place. He slapped at a snakevine as it tried to crawl up to his knee. It readily retreated back. Plants are so sensitive, thought Bonbo. 39

"Bonbo! Bonbo! Come in you useless boy!" Petry poked her head through the little window, brandishing the wooden gravy-laden spoon like a sword. Bonbo sighed and went inside. 40

"Always with the filthy dirt! Go! Go wash your hands, it's time for supper!" said Petry. 41

Bonbo huffed and went up to the bathroom feeling sad for himself. Nobody understood him.42

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That night, Bonbo looked outside his window at the stars above. The sky looked bejeweled with sparkling stones. Bonbo often thought the stars winked at him. His eyes drifted to his garden and he blanched. The three flowers that he put in tonight were aglow, as though tiny lights had been lit inside of them. Strange, he thought. He had never even heard of glowing flowers. This called for an immediate investigation!47

Bonbo quietly got up of bed and slipped out of the house, tip-toeing past his parent's bedroom. Once he came out into the garden, he peered closely at the flowers. They were certainly aglow. He could see a tiny ball of light inside each. Bonbo leaned in, his nose almost touching the flower, the wonderful smell wafting in the air. 48

He sneezed. He heard a tiny shriek and suddenly the lights went out. Everything darkened. 49

"Huh," said Bonbo. Curious, he gently lifted one of the flowers and looked inside. Something tiny, something odd pounced onto his nose and bit him. He cried out and let go of the plant. What in heavens! 50

Frustrated, he picked at up, now at arms length. Inside, he could make out a tiny, shadowy figure. It peered at him with small eyes. 51

"Hello," said Bonbo, poking the figure lightly. It gave a small snarl. 52

"I won't hurt you," whispered Bonbo. "Come out, it's okay!" 53

Warily, the figure came closer till it was at the mouth of the flower. It was a tiny boy, or it seemed like a tiny boy. A young face peered at him. On his back were a pair of silver, translucent wings. It wore blue clothes and blue, pointy shoes. 54

"Who are you?" said the little boy, almost timidly. It's voice was sweet and high-pitched. 55

"Bonbo, they call me Bonbo," said Bonbo. "Who are you?"56

"I'm Luey," said the little boy. 57

"But what are you? And what are you doing in my flower?"58

"I'm a fairy and this is not a flower!"59

"It's not!"60

"No. It's my room!"61

"Your room! That's prepost - uh - prepuste - pre - poreposterous!" said Bonbo. His mother often used that word to describe his love for plants.  62

"It's my room, I tell you! The other's are my sisters' rooms!" said Luey angrily. 63

Bonbo lifted the other flowers too. Sure enough, inside were two little fairies, similar to the first. One was dressed orange and the other yellow. They both looked beautiful but afraid, wings quivering slightly. Luey flew up to the them. 64

"He won't hurt us," said Luey. "Come out, it's okay! He says he won't hurt us!" 65

The two sisters came to the mouth of the flowers, hesitantly though. 66

"My name is Bonbo," said Bonbo smiling. 67

"You're a Man!" said the orange fairy. 68

"Oh no! I'm a Grobler!" said Bonbo. They must be illiterate, he thought. Everyone knew the difference between Men and Groblers. 69

"Good. The Men are evil!" said the yellow fairy. "Workers of the Queen!"70

"What men?" said Bonbo. 71

"The men that stole our houses!" said Luey. "They're taking us all to some place! The merchant man rescued us! He stole us, he did. Thought our rooms were flowers - like you!" 72

"Why are they taking you?" said Bonbo, utterly confused. 73

"To take our magic!" said the orange fairy. 74

"They will take our magic and give it to the Queen," said the yellow fairy. 75

"Then she will become very powerful," said Luey. 76

"But - but why?" said Bonbo. 77

They shook their tiny heads. "We don't know!"78

"Can't anyone stop them!" said Bonbo. 79

"The Wizard," said Luey. "The Wizard can stop of her!" 80

"Well, you have to tell him!" said Bonbo. 81

"We cannot go far from our houses," said the orange fairy. "We will lose our magic if we do ... but ... you ... you can help us!" 82

"Yes, you can come with us!" said Luey happily, and suddenly he burst to light. Shimmering powder enveloped his wings and he seemed to glow with an inner light.83

"I - I can't! I'm just Bonbo," said Bonbo. 84

"You have to, they will take away everything!" said the yellow fairy. 85

"Please come with us!" said Luey. 86

Bonbo caved in. "Fine! I will go with you! But I will have to ask my Mother!"87

"No!" said the orange fairy. "She will never let you go!" 88

"What can I do?" said Bonbo. 89

"Leave her a note!" said Luey. 90

"Yes, that might work," said Bonbo. 91

Bonbo hurriedly went inside, his head bumbling with thoughts. Fairies inside his flowers. Was he finally going insane? He took a little roll of parchment and fetched one of his father's own custom inventions - a metalic straw stuck with a quill that was filled with ink. It was very useful. He wrote down:
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Dear Momma and Papa,94

I have gone with the fairies to the Wizard. The Witch is taking their magic. I must go with them since they cannot leave their flowers. I will be back by supper. 95

Love,
Bonbo.
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There, even they won't miss the point, thought Bonbo. He fetched a little bag and put in some cheeze, ham, bread and a mouth-watering pie. He took some water just to be sure. Then, he went ouside where the fairies were flying around, chatting excitedly. In the distance their voices sounded like tiny buzzing.98

"Can we go now?" asked Luey as he landed on Bonbo's shoulder. 99

"Yes, we can go!" said Bonbo. 100

"Good, we have a long journey ahead of us!" said the yellow fairy. Theu zoomed around his head as they made their way to the outskirts of Redhall. The town was empty at night, dark and gloomy. Everyone was sleeping soundly. 101

I just hope I'm not late for supper, thought Bonbo. 102

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Author notes

Option: Themes
A fantasy adventure!

For FA
Song prompt Album: Bedtime Stories.

In a list

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 34 of 34

  • Lady Pixie Greeters member
    August 21

    Edit | Reply
    I really quite enjoyed the start of this story here. It seems original and interesting... the descriptions were well done and the added humor was wonderful

    I did catch a couple of minor errors:


    P6:
    His hair was a golden-white color, not quiet beautiful but a rarity and his skin was as pale as coldstone.

    quite, not quiet

    P14:
    Despite his parent's nagging about his choice, Bono turned a deaf ear to their scorns and kept caring for herbs.

    Bonbo

    P51:
    Frustrated, he picked at up, now at arms length.

    picked it up

    P63:
    The other's are my sisters' rooms!"

    others

    P98:
    In the distance their voices sounded like tiny buzzing.

    comma after distance



    Overall, it was an enjoyable and entertaining read. I'm left wanting to read on- and I think I will The character Bonbo is very intriguing and I'd like to learn more about his unusual personality compared to the other Groblers.

    The start of it surely was a hook. Born on the back of a llama that's great! My attention was held throughout the entire piece.

    Thank you for entering this and good luck! It was a great read!


    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


    • Asfand
      August 26
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you lady P - both for the awesome critique and the bronze trophy!


  • Violette silver member
    August 4

    Edit | Reply
    Okay, you had my attention as soon as i read born on the back of a llama. I mean seriously, what an opening, and it just kept getting better. I'm getting so many good stories today and I clearly have to add you to the finalist's list as well. I just don't know how to describe this one! It was nothing short of fantastic! I was entertained the whole way through. Bono really is an excellent character, I just don't know how you came up with such a thing. It was both funny and childish so I'm confident it'll do well with the younger audiences.


    • Asfand
      August 5
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you so much Violette! I'm really glad you like it!


  • SoundInkMusic
    August 3

    Edit | Reply
    I did ask for only single-part stories to be entered in the contest, but I won't actually DQ your piece, since it was still an enjoyable read =) This did feel like a bedtime story or a newer fairytale; the style was very well-suited to the subject and mood of the piece. Nice work =)


    • Asfand
      August 3
      Edit | Reply
      Oh, can't believe I missed that! Sorry, but thanks for your appreciation and feedback!

  • Opening Sentence Breakdown:

    +1 pure weirdness
    +1 begs a question
    ---
    2

    A 2! That's the mode score I see, so good job, this sentence is solid!

    This passage was quirky, unusual, and charming—the perfect formula, as a few others have pointed out, for a bedtime story. The only flaws I saw were in deviating from this mold—a little too much background explanation at the beginning, for instance. We need to know what Groblers are, of course, but the piece would be improved if you could weave that information into the narrative. Also, be careful of unnecessary flourishes. The handwritten note Bonbo leaves for his parents could be synthesized in a sentence. Great job though on the barter dialogue—that was my favorite part. You captured the back-and-forth of deal-making seamlessly. Keep up the good work!

    Thanks for playing the game,
    -Mirror

  • This would make a perfect and captivating story for kids. Children would definitely enjoy this.

    And although my contest is anonymized, I know exactly who it is!

    Good luck in the contests!

  • You get off to shakey start but it picks up in the middle. I am sure my DD will love the fairies but some of the language will go over her head. Pity it's not finished but it sounds like it's the start of a long tale. Good luck.


  • Ncis152
    July 16
    Edit | Reply
    loved it. it was good ....jk it was great


  • Aiman Ahmad
    July 16
    Edit | Reply
    I love it.its wonderful


  • wierdlikthat
    July 14

    Edit | Reply
    This was great, different and creative. I really enjoyed reading it! Thanks so much for entering my contest! I just loved when, what bonbo thought was a flower turned out being a fairies room!
    =]
    Thank you for the entry!!

  • loved it!

    excellent start, good ideas, love the writing!!


  • lil.janie
    July 10

    Edit | Reply
    Heh, you've just cought another not-into-fairies-and-that-stuff.
    The story is great, more than that actually. I can't wait for the next part.


  • Glitflyer
    July 10

    Edit | Reply
    I really really enjoyed this piece!! The way u wrote this story is amazing.. I love gantasy stories! Keep on posting!!!


  • sberendt gold member
    July 9

    Edit | Reply
    I liked this a lot! Why is it called The Triplet Adventure? The only thing I found odd was that the faeries went with Bonbo when he started his trek. Didn't they just say they couldn't go far from their flowers? Maybe I missed something?

    Anyway, the whole idea really captured my attention and kept it 'till the end. I want to read more!

    Thanks for entering my contest!

    • Asfand
      July 10
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed reading it!

      Oh and that was my mistake, actually! He took the flowers with them! I've got some sort of short-term memory loss these days!


      PS- will edit!

  • Done
    July 9

    Edit | Reply

    Okay, now...

    I'm not into faeries and fantasy and stuff like that, but this was incredibly well-written to the point that I am doubting that you are a teen boy from Pakistan. You're sense of humor is in tune and communicates on many levels from simple with farting vegetables, to more complex, with the subtle humor in Bonbo's naieve note to his parents. There is something for everyone in this. Your imagery is meaty, yet concise and not untouched by humorous lilt here and there. "His beefy face sagged." For some reason, I really enjoyed everything about this write.

    You have a very clear voice that is most wonderfully uncloistered by excess BS, or, as Goldilocks would say, "just right".

    You are an excellent author, and if this is truly you at sixteen years old, you have a very promising future as an author, in my humbleI'mJustAPlumber opinion.

    good stuff,

    al

    p.s. You had a few typos, but you're far too clever for that. Just fix 'em, would ya?


    • Asfand
      July 10
      Edit | Reply
      Wow. Thank you, al! That means a lot! I'm glad you enjoyed this piece!


  • the class
    July 9

    Edit | Reply
    I like the first line, it drew me in and persuaded me to read the rest. I really like the idea, it reminds me of Lord of the Rings, but at the same time, The Wizard of Oz.
    I lke your new plant descriptions, and the slight cheekiness surrounding this story
    One thing though:
    #20 'the most dearest' this should either be most dear or dearest.
    As other people have said, you are a good storyteller. Well done


  • tonialoise
    July 7

    Edit | Reply
    ok, I know a story is going to be good when the first line can make me chuckle. But maybe I'm just partial to the word llama especially after Monty Python's dealing with it.

    The first half I didn't really notice any errors, but seems they started picking up in the second. Little typos that are sometimes hard to see. Looks like other's caught them but since I already wrote them I'll leave them

    p14 "foreign wines that spread around" Do you really mean vines here? I mean technically gapes grow on vines and can become wine, but they're not called that until they're crushed. With this being surreal and all I just want to check, as you could have meant wine. Same with "snakewine" later on.

    p47 "The sky looked bejeweled with sparkling stones." wonderful imagery!

    p48 "He could see tiny ball of light" you need an "a" in front of "tiny" or "tiny balls of light in them" would work too.

    "almosr" should be "almost"

    p51 "he picked at up again" should be "picked it up"

    p54 "At the back were a pair of silver, translucent wings." "at the back" sounds odd, as it makes me think of at the back of the flower. Maybe you can try "On his back?"

    p62 this is cute, love it!

    p98 "There, even they they won't miss the point," I don't think you want the double "they" there. Also that's great, his letter from their point of view would sound totally insane, and yet he thinks it makes perfect sense.

    You have to tell me you have more of this! This is a wonderful beginning to what sounds like a grand adventure. It sounds like it would be great for kids but also has a sense of wonder adults would like too.

    • Asfand
      July 8
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks you toni!! I'm glad you like it and I editted the mistakes!! My previous Windows was not letting me, so I installed a new one! Thank you!

  • This does have a Bedtime Stories-eque feeling to it. It's kind of surreal...I don't really know how to describe it. That's probably because I don't know what the album is talking about most of the time. Especially the title track. Still confuses me and I've been listening to it for three years.

    I know removed it from the contest, but I thought I'd stop by and leave a comment anyhow.

    Frozen Angel


  • bethann93
    July 6
    Edit | Reply
    This story is really good. Not one of them ever dissapoints. Great job


  • Tricia3 gold member
    July 4

    Edit | Reply

    A wonderful, entertaining story

    You have a great imagination and are a very good story teller. I think you need to continue with this story.

    #14 scorns should be scorn

    foreign [wines] do you mean vines?
    #27 I got these [off] a good bargain. I would use for

    #28 that's all he had saved

    #48 He could see [a]tiny ball of light
    his nose [almost]

    #51 he pick [at] up--should be it

    #64 Luey flew up to [the] them
    leave out the

    # 80 Wizard can stop [of] her
    leave out of

    #98 leave out one they in first sentence

    Trish




    • Asfand
      July 5
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks you so much for the critique Tricia! Really appreciate your feedback!


  • BigSouth
    July 4

    Edit | Reply
    awww!
    i enjoyed this immensely ^_^
    bonbo made me laugh
    lol
    awesome write once again

  • The begining really held my attention and I was glad how the story turned out! I suddenly pine for the days of childhood tales like this one :3


  • demonkitty
    July 3
    Edit | Reply
    also how old is he? like eight?


  • demonkitty
    July 3

    Edit | Reply
    I love it. Bongo and his fairy friends are so lovable!!!!!!!!!!! ^0^ Conitune it peassssssssssssssssss

  • Engaging

    This was a really amazing start to a story, Afsand! Did the Hobbits inspire you for the Groblers because they're just really loveable beings, and I can imagine Bonbo has a high-pitched, boyish voice. Nice usage of transition from scene to scene--everything was wrapped up pretty well and your writing is definitely done in a friendly style!
    Good luck with the contest and all the best and keep writing!

    Hoping You Are Well,
    Douglas

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

    • Asfand
      July 3
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks a lot Douglas!! Glad you liked it! I wanted to do something in a happier, carefree style and yes, the Hobbits were certainly an inspiration for the Groblers!

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