V. Ampire Final episode

Vincent was immeasurably pleased with Hilda's solution to his problem of drinking, rather than ingesting via fangs, his bloody meals. He enjoyed it so much he partook of snacks at frequent intervals. This, of course, resulted in a slight change to his silouette shape, his chest slipped, just below his waist, or perhaps better described as, where his waist used to be. Vincent got fat.1

"Mr Vincent. Just look at you. Ya was such a gentlemanly lookin man, wiv yer dinner suit an all. Now nuffin fits. Wot yer gunna do nau? Go on a diet or sumpin?" 2

" I shall refrain from becoming disturbed by your lack of courtesy in remarking upon my physical appearance in such a derogatory manner. As for my apparel, I shall, of course obtain more fitting attire as soon as you locate an excellent tailor on my behalf."3

" Cor, Mr Vincent, there ain't no tailers no more. You buy offn Kmart or somewheres like that."4

" Yes, of course Mrs Ogden, I had momentarily forgotten that human progress has made such great technological advances. You must be my envoy and purchase the necessary clothing as befits my taste and style. You will do that, won't you Mrs Ogden?" 5

" Yeah - oright. I'll ave to measure yer waist and other stuff though, ter git the fit. I'll ave me tape measure ere termorra. That'll ave ter do. When I go ome it'll be time fer me ter go ter Bingo. Oright?"6

" There is another small matter I would request your assistance in solving. All those people peering into my garden with torches last night created so much light I found it necessary to wear your husbands glasses to shield my sight from damage. This cannot be allowed to continue. What would advise me to do."7

" Just tell the damn sticky beaks yer a vampire and live on blood. Show yer fangs and maybe bite one of em, then they'll nick off an leave ya alone."8

" Unfortunately, Mrs Ogden, I am aware of the somewhat unjust laws of the land and should I pursue any such response as you suggest, I would be persecuted by law enforcement officials to the detriment of my personal security."9

" Awright, then ya'll just ave ter tell em ta bugger off, won't ya. I'm goin ome now. See ya termorra."10

The night passed quickly and Vincent [wearing Mr Ogdens welding glasses] entertained that nights sticky beaks by discussing the various plants and flowers he had in his beautifully scented garden. All but one plant, a dead dog cactus, which the sticky beaks found absolutely disgusting. [ no bloody wonder; it got its name because that is exactly what it smelled like; a very dead dog] However Vincent was not concerned at the smell and was highly delighted when the interfering busybodies left when he brought it out to display to them.11

Morning came, and just when Vincent was about to retire for the day, Hilda arrived with tape measure and pencil plus paper.12

"Come on Mr Vincent , time ter take yer measurements. You'll ave ter old the tape measure up near your crutch, I ain't gunna put my and anywhere near yer family jules, no way."13

" You have nothing to fear from me, Mrs Ogden, I assure you."14

" Well, I ain't gunna give ya a cheap frill, eiver. You just old the tape as I tells ya, an we'll git along fine."15

And so the measuring process proceeded without further ado.16

Hilda had quite some difficulty in obtaining a tuxedo of the correct style and cut to suit the fastidious discriminations of Vincent, but with the advantage of the internet she managed to acquire the right gear for her Mr Vincent.17

Vincent desired a brocade tuxedo, which is out of fashion these days, with smooth shiny textured material and showing a slight greenish tinge with the dark gray. White, of course for the dicky , collar and cuffs. And spats for his black leather pumps.18

I shall not detail how payment was arranged for the purchase by Mrs Ogden as it may cause some financial institutions a real headache. Suffice it to say Vincent was elated when his new clothes arrived, and even more so when they actually fitted his pear shape to a 'Tee.' 19

The very first night after his new suit arrived Vincent went out to his garden resplendent is his Tuxedo. He went first to his garden shed where his beloved dead dog cactus was growing so well. It had flowers on it, glorious flowers with that magnificent perfume of a decaying canine corpse. [ Forgive me dog lovers} He carefully picked one flower and placed it in his lapel buttonhole. 20

" Now let them come and ask stupid questions. This perfume may be just enough to discourage them for all time."21

Sure enough, about 8.30, just as it got really dark and Vincent was busy feeding his deadly nightshades, there came a call:22

"Yoo Hoo. Mr Vincent, are you there."23

" But fo course I am here dear Mrs Pippington-Smythe, this my home. Is there some way I may be of service?"24

"Ohhh Myyyy" Mrs Smythe lost interest as the beautific perfume reduced her to an unconscious untidy heap on the footpath. Vincent beamed. " One down" he thought. Mrs Smythe lie there for a minute before struggling to feet and staggering away to her home.25

Vincent waited expectantly for the next one. They came, husband and wife, the doyans of the garden world on the other side of the railway tracks. Jack and Jill Pail. Vincent bid them a welcoming 'good evening' and Jill staggered at the knees while Jack held her up as best he could. They moved back from Vincent and that ever so sweet smelling dead dog cactus flower.26

"Shit, Vincent, are ya dead or sumthin? Ya stink like a dead dog."27

"I see you are familiar with the perfume Jack. Does it upset you too. I find it does have a perfume that requires an acquired sense of smell to appreciate, but I find it a pleasant change from roses, for instance, don't you thing so?"28

Jack, by this time was out of the range of the perfume.29

"Bugger it Vincent, I'll come and look at yer garden when you ain't around with that stinkin thing. Maybe when the sun is up in the morning, an after me an Jill as ad a good bath."30

" But of course Mr Pail you are most welcome to admire the garden during the hours of daylight. I regret I shall not be able to converse with you on gardening practices, but I shall let you know when I publish my secret gardening hints."31

For some strange reason Mr Vincent was able to pursue his night gardening with no further night visitations from the townspeople, though many peered over his fences during daylight hours while Vincent slept peacefully in his coffin on freshly cultivated, and comfortable, soil from his very own garden.32

Peace reigned and the last time I saw Vincent was from a distance as Hilda went home one evening. She was a little old gray haired widow. Mr V.Ampire was as robust as ever. I wonder where they are now.33