When I was in labor, sixteen years ago this August 25, I had an interesting thing happen to me. It was twenty-six hours of agony; torture indeed. There were no chirping birds or lovey-dovey feelings; well not until the end result was in my arms (what a cutie). Although I was in agony, I refused to cry out loud from pain for over twenty hours. I felt it was counterproductive. 1
The walls were thin in the labor ward; either that, or the other women really had great lung capacity for screaming. I mean to listen to it made me so enraged; why couldn't they bite on a stick? I was busy concentrating on breathing and not crying out loud. I wasn't very interested in being understanding. I was sixteen, scared as hell, and ready to kill my future husband. Yes, I would have married the sod when I found out I was pregnant if my mother would have signed off on it. Instead, I waited until I was eighteen, which I very much regret.2
Anyways, my husband was great; bringing me ice, smuggling in Life Savers (any idea how awful it is to not be given anything from the nurses for so long?) But after twenty hours, he kind of lost it. "Why don't you just scream? Why are you so silent? Why don't you squeeze my hand until it hurts me? Why must you ALWAYS be so quiet?" I had been through a lot of physical pain from a diseased kidney in the time we were together, so I guess he had an inkling of how I dealt with pain. 3
But his questioning of why I didn't scream out loud while in labor made me question myself: Why didn't I just let loose? Wouldn't it feel better? And so I did. He was happy. I was not. I lost control then, from the pain, no longer having any power over it, as I did when I was silent. 4
Today, I do the same thing. I am silent for so long; but then someone comes along and unlocks my voice. Then there's an outpouring of anger, sadness and pain unlike anything they've ever seen. I think. And to what purpose does it serve? When someone asks, 'How are you today?' why do I not just lie now, as I once did so often? What purpose does it really serve to be vocally miserable?5
And I find myself wishing to be so silent again. Ignore it and it might go away. Right? I'm tired of hearing myself complain about pain. Of course, it isn't always so bad either. Normal pain is pretty tolerable, and I'm so used to it. It's the persistence of said pain that really breaks a person into half of who they once were. And I find there is no pill, no patch, available to alleviate it all. Bummer that. 6
But to stop writing about it? I don't think I can. Writing for me is mostly sad anyway; the happy parts of my life (family, love and friendships) are never adequately portrayed in writing. Perhaps I should work on that. Yeah. Lessons of the past do tend to visit me. I wonder if they're as counterproductive as crying out in pain? Well, I am my own worst hobby.7
Author notes
Just a thought or two
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I like your two cents
Book comments he he. Well... I hear you. I vacilate between being too honest, and completely dishonest in my replies and responses to said pain. Somewhere there's a middle ground, but I'm still searching for it. One way is in writing mildly humorous things I've realized most recently. I like that. Your honesty here is always so apprecaited as is your very genuine friendship me bro
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Or I could be plain nuts and you're just a tough bugger!
Maybe I am at that. Had another day today that showed me my strength again. There is pain and then there is torture. I sure do love to get away from it in here. Reading suck thoughtful reviews and playing around... it really helps you know? Somehow I think my request for a leave of absence from pain has been ignored. How very annoying Yem!
I'm so glad it doesn't come off as whiney. I really hate whiney hey wondered if I spelled that right
For Yem
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And now for my 2 cents
to remain silent through something that people seem to think talking about, or whatever their version of "letting go" is... is one thing I stopped doing after the abuse ended...
I realized very quickly if I am completely honest with someone when they ask "How are you?" they tend to stop after a while and leave me alone... something that I desperately wanted at that time in my life...
People don't want sorrow... nor misery... and it's a strategy that unfortunately takes a long time to break, once employed... So I think I went backwards, as now I tend to give noncommital shrugs when people ask...
Silence has it's place in that if they truly care, they will ask again and genuinely listen to the hardship of that day...
but hey sis.... you know where to find me
and I can't believe I just wrote a book comment.... sheesh
Edited on Aug 31, 12:29 because ''. -
This is exceptional...not only as a window into your thoughts but as an example of how to write ententertainingly on a topic many might find challenging. You've opened up a lot of questions here, and not only look at yourself but give us cause to look at ourselves and the motives behind our actions.
Wow, not a simple answer to the questions you ask...I don't think anyway...I think upbringing, self-respect, self-reliance, dignity, embarrasment, and of course that kidney experience all play a part in why you do not want to show your weakness....who knows what else might be involved.
Or I could be plain nuts and you're just a tough bugger!
But once again it's is not so much what you say but how you say it that entertains me most...and that is what writing prose is about (for me)...saying something in the right way!
With any good article, you've not only shown the humor, but delved deeper, and also as with any well-written column, you've shown an understanding of what makes this subject tick, and have looked at it without a jaundiced eye. -
Ah you got me. Why am I always surprised? Thanks Margaret. You write the greatest reviews. Glad it was understandable; I never really sure.
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I was right with you in the delivery room. Twenty-six hours is pretty rough, first babies are more difficult than the ones that follow.
They say that stress is not what happens to us, but how we respond to it, so I think that your observation about letting go to expression is right on. Your other point, that some expression is important, is well taken too. Shouting only serves to make me more angry, while a quiet admission of "that makes me angry" is more effective all around.
You write very well. I found all of your sentences well formed, and I had no questions remaining. I'm sorry about your pain, I wish a hug could take it away.
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