They Said They Loved Me Anyway

You can tell a great deal about people by the way they live. For example, people with well-manicured lawns are usually orderly and responsible while people who swim in disarray tend to be unreliable and disorganized. Other nuances tell about people too. People who are notorious for their prevarication tend to think everyone is dishonest, but get violently angry when called liars themselves. I'm sure everyone fits into some kind of psychological format to a degree.1

As for myself, I don't know who I am any more or how my actions speak for my character. I used to think I knew. I learned, like everyone else, that every action produces a reaction in other people. In this way society becomes the mirror through which we see ourselves.2

I've never been a person to lock the front door on my way out. Every house I've ever owned has had an extra bedroom for guests. And while only four of us resided in my home, my kitchen was the biggest room in the house and comfortably accommodated a dining table that sat fourteen.3

If I had to stand outside and look in at myself I might see these living habits as indicative of someone who likes and welcomes others and who has above average financial means. Ironically, this would be a true assumption. However, I can't help but wonder why my life has changed so much if I am still the same person I always was. 4

It only took three little words to change every thing.5

I thought being discharged from the Navy would be the biggest change of my life when it happened. I thought I'd never see any of my buddies again. Fortunately, I was wrong. Like clockwork, one of them would be in town on business and stay with me in lieu of a hotel. For eight full years not a month went by that I didn't hear from someone with whom I had served.6

Later, when my children were born I was certain they were to be my biggest adjustment in life. But not only did I continue the relationships and activities I had, I gained more and with deeper appreciation!7

My stepmother, the mom who raised me, died suddenly of cancer in the midst of my childrearing. The impact of it was devastating for me. Again, I was certain life would be different. How could it not? She was the glue for my tempermental family and all our quirky personalities. I knew I had not only lost her, but them too as a result of her passing. Again, I was wrong. We drew closer and more loving as a family in her absence.8

Finally, as I informed my husband after fifteen years of marriage that it was time to stop torturing ourselves and our children with false hopes that we could reconcile our long-term differences, we divorced. Divorce. I thought surely that must be the most monumental adaptation I would ever be forced to overcome. Once again, I was wrong.9

Life as I knew it ended with my utterance of three little words: "I am gay."10

My best friend, a Navy buddy from my undesignated days, said he had always suspected such and found the idea titillating! He jovially teased me about threesomes with myself and my new girlfriend. I haven't heard from him since nor from any of my other so-called pals either.11

When I told my ex-husband the truth about myself, he said he respected my choices and didn't feel it was his place to judge me. My children live with him now and sometimes I even know where they are.  I repeatedly have to rely on wits, luck, and the internet/long distance information to reach the ends of their tracks. It seems gay mothers are unfit according to one Texas lawyer who wears a black robe to work everyday.12

Apparently my one-time friends agree with her. They thought my girlfriend was much better for me than my ex-husband had been, until being with her cost me my children. I haven't heard from any of them since. Occasionally, we happen upon each other in public. They smile and ask how I've been. They never mention her or my kids nor do they return my calls, although they routinely give me their numbers on our meetings.13

As far as my family is concerned, I'd like to dramatize their responses if I may. They said (and I quote):14

birth mother-"Oh Sweetie! I'm so happy for you! I wondered how long it was going to take you to figure that out!"15

brother-     "Well, you never were the girliest girl..."16

sister-      "Well, there's a shock!!"17

Now, when there's a family emergency they call my company headquarters to chase down which store I am assigned to and leave me a message. They do this in spite of the fact that I've been at the same home number with the same partner for over four years now. Each time I ask them why, they say they didn't know how to get hold of me. Other than these occurrences of needing something from me, I don't hear from them at all.18

If I had to stand back and look at myself from the outside in, I might see myself as a sad, withered has-been who keeps too much space in her house that will never again be filled. I might say she did something to ruin her life and bring misery upon herself. I might even say she is a hermit for keeping the company of one person, a dog, and a phone that resounds no ring through her many empty rooms. If society is supposed to be my mirror, I can no longer believe my eyes.19

I haven't changed since I said my words. But everyone else sure changed since they said theirs. They all said they loved me anyway.20