Jealous Much, Sister

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She walked in, feet stradled into black, strapless high heels; in a manner half saunter, half sway. Her blonde hair uncoiled around her shoulders, like golden-threaded rivulets: perfect and unmarred. 3

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I looked at my reflection in the dirty tequila glass: hair messed, nose pimpled, eyes drugged and bloodshot. I smiled a pathetic smile.5

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Fuck genetics, I thought as she swayed over to the middle of the dance floor, and men swarmed around her like bothersome flies. She laughed her perfect laugh, long legs stepping in time with the rhythm of the music. 7

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I reached my hand into my purse, fingered the metalic butt of the gun and all it took was a click and a bang - she was a bloody fucking mess on the floor. 9

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Author notes

vegan chihuahua

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 27 of 27

  • MusicOfTheNight9
    August 10
    Edit | Reply

    Gasp!

    omg i gasped at the end... the title was luring, omg such a surprise! woah! thanks for entering and good luck!

    CreaterSk8er

  • I am.
    July 19
    Edit | Reply
    Sorry, but I said ONE sentence!

    Though its well written!


  • J.R. Coleman
    July 16

    Edit | Reply
    It's not really what I was looking for, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. I really like the simplicity of the ending, and the way you coordinated that with the plain font and background.
    Good job.


  • MsAlee gold member
    July 13
    Edit | Reply
    Wow i can easily feel the jealousy flooding through this story. Wonderfully done.


  • Queenie-Chan
    July 12
    Edit | Reply
    This is extremely well written, nice use of words too. Thanks for entering my competition.


  • Crys Moro
    July 10

    Edit | Reply
    Nice story!!! I have an entry at this contest too, and my victim is also blond...LOL Good luck in the contest!


  • iDifferent-
    July 8
    Edit | Reply
    Whoops, clappies!!

  • iDifferent-
    July 8

    Edit | Reply
    Hmm... I'd be rather afraid if my sister was THAT jealous of me for anything. Of course, jealousy is a horrible thing that captures us all. Sigh. How I long for the world to become a peaceful place. But without war, there is no balance.

    Listen to me, rambling on. This is a very good write, and I was just looking for some good authors. I'll look into your other work and see how much I like it.

    Awesome job,
    Dream.Live.Love


  • Mag the Chodja gold member
    July 8
    Edit | Reply
    Forgot the clappies.

  • Mag the Chodja gold member
    July 8

    Edit | Reply
    I am always surprised at how people can shove an entire story into just as little as 100 words. While a lot of details were left to be vague, the imagination picked right up and connected the dots to the primary progression rather well.

    I think it's because of the subtle details you used. The dancer was beautiful, admired. The shooter was pimply, sitting on the sidelines. It just screams the usual jealousy between siblings, and the click at the end just made it all worth while.

    Great job. ^^


  • CallMeWhenUrRich
    July 8

    Edit | Reply
    Okay, I can't help it.

    This made me LAUGH!!!!!!!! Seriously, I'm still giggling like some bimbo who just had her first kiss...Okay, I soo could've thought of something better.

    But back to the topic, I'm going to assume you meant the emotion to be portrayed as jealousy, and I actually think you did quite well with that, but I couldn't help but find it amusing.

    Still, it was definitely enjoyable. Put a laugh on my face.


  • Caradoc
    July 7

    Edit | Reply
    This is extremely well written, as others have said before me. So, in light of that, there's not really anymore I can add except to say great job!


  • bethann93
    July 6
    Edit | Reply
    This was very well written. I could feel the jealousy that the character had. Very good.


  • Le Masquerade silver member
    July 6
    Edit | Reply
    Thanx for entering my competition


    • Asfand
      July 6
      Edit | Reply
      I figured it was all about feeling and so was this! perfect! Thanks!

  • Le Masquerade silver member
    July 6

    Edit | Reply
    WoW, this persons got some serious issues with jealousy. Cool seven sentences, you explained a lot in that small amount. Good job, keep writting


  • Glitflyer
    July 5
    Edit | Reply

    Briliant

    Seven sentence yet wonderfully described. Love it


  • Sunless Spirit
    July 3

    Edit | Reply
    I love how you wrote it. It's absolutely exquisite! It's amazing how seven sentences show pure jealousy. Beautifully written.
    ~Sunless Spirit


  • Lady Mannequin
    July 3

    Edit | Reply
    This is brilliant. I loved it.
    How you wrote it is so perfect and gorgeous.
    'She was a bloody mess on the floor' - my favourite line.
    Well done (Y)


  • londonparisNYC
    July 3
    Edit | Reply
    Gorgeously written. Absolutly loved this.


  • demonkitty
    July 2
    Edit | Reply
    LOL omg this is so freakin funny!!!!!!


  • Siby Anan
    July 2

    Edit | Reply

    Perfect.

    There is no way to describe how perfectly you've described the emotion! In seven sentences, you've shown how jealousy changes people and makes them want to do terrible things just to make themselves feel better.

    I love the last part of the last sentence because it's such a big comparison to the beginning. The main character's sister is like, this model of beauty and perfection, and the main character describes herself as a mess. So, in the end, she'll become less of a mess and all because she's made her perfect sister a mess. I don't think I'm making any sense here :]


  • Lady Eventide Greeters member
    July 2

    Edit | Reply
    Wow. For seven sentences, this spoke much more to me. Of course, if you'd gone into Charles Dickens sentences, you would have been able to get further since his sentences are so long, you know? He wrote really long sentences.

    Anyhow, the different descriptions between the two characters were really interesting, and I can tell where they are. Very, very good.

    I don't have much of a crit for this piece:

    Par 6: I don't think guys would swarm around someone who waddles. Personal opinion, really.

    Par 8: mettalic - metalic; she was bloody - she was a bloody

  • Marta gold member
    July 2
    Edit | Reply
    Seven sentences doesn't give you much,eh? Good.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


    • Asfand
      July 2
      Edit | Reply
      Hear, hear! It just gives you a moment, but you can't really explore your characters...


  • Aiman Ahmad
    July 2
    Edit | Reply
    this was a short story but a wonderful story.I love it

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