I woke up one morning and brushed my hair out of my icy blue eyes.
My heart started pounding when I remembered my dream.
It was such a beautiful dream in the beginning
That quickly turned into a heart-pounding nightmare.1
It was in the misty forest
And there he was in the distance
He was beautiful beyond belief.2
I started walking up to him feeling his warm brown eyes upon me.
I was beautiful too, wearing a flowing, laced-up red gown.
Never did I look so gorgous in real life.3
He, himself, was wearing all black.
His pale hand was reaching out to take my hand.
His name was at the tip of my tongue.
I believed it started with an L4
Something inside my mind screamed for me to stop.
Something was saying that he was dangerous.
But how could he when he was standing there so innocently?
I was hypnotized by his beauty.
The second letter had to be a U. 5
I reached where he was at and took his hand.
Goosebumbs raised up my arm.
His hand felt like fire upon my skin.
The three letter was a C. 6
We started walking down the hill.
A light breeze was blowing my blonde hair softly.
All the while he held me close and the heat from his body was getting more hotter.
The fourth letter was an I.7
I tried to let go of this strange, beautiful man's hand
But he held on tighter.
He looked over at me with bright maroon eyes.
He smiled at me with yellow teeth.
He was getting uglier by the minute.
The fifth letter was an F.8
I tried to scream but my voice didn't work.
Everything was starting to change.
The trees were gone.
We were still going down hill.
It was starting to get rockier.
The breeze was gone and the air was stuffy.
The six letter, an E. 9
Tears swelled up in my eyes.
They quickly dried as the heat was so strong.
I looked at him again and there was more changes.
Horns. Powerful, cruel horns growing out from his soft, brown hair.
The last letter, R. 10
I gasped as I realized.
He laughed when I remembered his name.
Clothing on his back started to rip.
Gruesome, thorn red wings came out of his back.
A strong tail coiled around my waist and started to squeeze. 11
We were going down hill
And I knew I was never going up hill again. 12
I woke up as you must know
And what a relieve I felt.
I got out of bed and walked into my bathroom
To wipe off the cold sweat. 13
I turned on the light and looked into the mirror.
I screamed. I screamed so loud that I felt I was going to puke.
I saw his name scratched in.
Then I saw his reflection in the mirror,
Standing right behind me. 14
His clawed hand was on my shoulder
And quietly he whispered,
"Welcome to your new home. I was nice enough to bring your house down here."
Author notes
Incase you didn't get the name, it's Lucifer the fallen angel.
For Linchy's contest: "We will all rot one day because we were all boring.
But You and I will rot because we ate too many lollies." <--hehe lollies is a fin word to say.
In a list
A contest entry
- poems by Para Turkey.
110 points, ended July 16, 10 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - I really really want funny stuff, but others is awesome too!!! as many points as i could give out! by Clary--Selene--Tayy.
500 points, ended July 21, 31 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Just Click the Mouse... by CinnaAgent11.
130 points, ended July 24, 17 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - I want your best...EVERYTHING! by Clary--Selene--Tayy.
450 points, ended August 7, 68 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - A new kind of Contest by Hloverofpeace.
155 points, ended August 11, 11 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Fallen Angels... by Dead Beauty.
170 points, ended August 26, 12 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Give Me Your Best Poetry! by mememe6.
150 points, ended September 9, 54 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Poetry and More by Mistress Cheetah.
350 points, ended September 10, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - POETRY SYMPHONY ROUND 2 (*the horror*) by DemApples.
130 points, ended September 5, 9 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 59 of 59
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Suspenseful
I enjoyed reading it, definately! It reminded me of some of my dreams that start out wonderful, but end in a tragic or strange kind of way. Good job! -
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Thank you for reading and commenting. I definitely had these kind of dreams. I hate it when it happens like that.
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I think it's a little unrealistic for the person to wake up, brush their hair, and think of the color of their own eyes. Unless they are looking in the mirror it just doesn't make sense to me.
"...so (gorgeous) in real life."
"He, himself, was wearing all black." I don't think you need the "himself." It's a little awkward.
"But how could he(be)when..."
"The (third) letter was a C."
"...more hotter." I don't think this is right. I think it would either be , "more hot" or "hotter."
"The (sixth) letter, an E."
"...there (were) more changes."
"And what a (relief) I felt. -
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She's brushing her hair out of her eyes with her fingers. (I do that all the time XD) and I was giving the readers some description of what she looks like.
Thank you for pointing out some of the words I missed. I actually skipped a few of them on purpose but some of them I totally missed. XD
By the way love your picture. I'm a huge HOUSE fan.
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Definitely could have used some more punctuation throughout the entire poem to control the flow; like in the second stanza it runs as a huge line instead of a nicely flowing sentence with pauses. It took away from the impact. Overall, I would have to say the "shocker" of it being Lucifer was incredibly weak; I'd say it was non-existant. You give it too much set up for it to have any pucnh, or not enough; I had a dream that became a nightmare involving an incredibly handsome guy. That was much too big a tip-off, and as soon as I saw that L I already had a 95% guess I knew what was coming. It either needs much more suspense, but a lot more mysterious where it builds up, or it just states it near the beginning and punches you in the face. The ending; sort of a twist, but no different from anything you'd see in any horror movie. It doesn't make me gasp with fear or fall out of my chair, it's there and you roll your eyes because it's been done.
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Thanks for the heads up. I'm new to poetry still so I'm not an expert at it but that's the point of the site I do believe.
Lol honestly i wasn't trying to put fear in people XD I was mostly going for creativity with saying his name and what not. I was already aware that people would get his name. It wasn't suppose to be a surprise or anything.
Thank you again for your comment. I shall improve.
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Yikes, I hate when dreams turn to nightmares. Well, unless it is part of someone else has written and I am reading it. Something about a scary story that always draws me in. You know, even though this is fantasy based, it is also quite true to life. we often have that little voice screaming danger but we find ourselve strangely attracted to the flame.
Glad I clicked and checked it out
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trippy i like the word play
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Ohh very nice. I like the name
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Wow, I thought this was going to be some gooey love poem, but no! And I was glad it was not! The spelling of the angel's name was really cool, I've never seen anyone do that before. Only when you said the letters, you wrote three instead of third, and six instead of sixth.
Thank you so much for entering!! I really enjoyed this!
~mememe6~
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Fallen Angels... (contest comment)
Thank you so much for entering this frightening but beautiful piece of work. I loved how you described Lucifer looking so innocent and beautiful, then quickly turning into the devilish Fallen Angel he was.
The ending was terrific, it let me know that the dream she had did have some meaning, like a warning that he was coming to her or something.
You have a few grammar mistakes, but I'll let them pass because they're not big and there are little of them, and this piece is just definitely worth having in my contest.
Thank you.
You're A Finalist.
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Very Terrifying and yet so beautifully read.
you described lucifer so well, that it almost made him real.
i wouldn't call this a poem, or i don't know but it's amazing.
Thanks for entering. Really, it's great.
One thing,
you said three instead of third
and six instead of sixth
there were other minor corrections to be made but i forgot.
Thanks again for entering.
-hilmer -
Oh wow. Very good poem, although I must inform you that it will not be a finalist. Sorry, so much. Keep writing!
I really hope to see more of your poems in the near future.
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yay! i already read this, but it was nice to re-read it it was soooooo awesome!!!!!
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Lol oops didn't realize you read this one. I lose track easily.
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I jumped at the end! Jeez! You made him very real in the few sentences you described. I love poetry, and thanks so much for entering this in the contest (most entries EVER).
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Great job, the details were strong and flow. I liked how the poem told a story and it didn't lack anything to make it not a good story. Great Job and good luck in the contest.
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Ooh, I love this poem.
Not many people would use angels compared to vampires, which is majority's favourite, apparently. I like your choice.
I loved that you revealed each letter of his name at the end of each poem too. It gave it a very tensing atmosphere.
Wonderful job!
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I like vampires but people over did them big time so I stay away from them. This poem is actually one of my favorites. It took a while to figure out how exactly to write it. I wanted it to be different than regular poems.
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OhmiGod that was so fantastic! It gave me goosebumps.
I loved the part where she woke up and the whole mirror situation.
Utterly hypnotic!
GC -
Lucifer
thats really good. good luck in the contest!
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That was REALLY good.
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thats REALLY good I think you made it to the top 5! good job!
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Woah this was really good!!
i loved all the detail in it!! a good twist in the story!
i agree more of a story and a poem but still really good!
Well done and Good Luck!
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Thank you and I'm glad you enjoyed it. ^_^ yeah my poems sort of turn out to be a short, short, short story. Lol, I kind of like it that way. Gives the poems more spice.
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Ohh i know i like it that way too!!
it makes me think more... i love the way you write!! -
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Ah thank you. I really should write more poetry. I think I have five or six on here somewhere. Lol
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Ohh No preasure but i hope you find them and post them lol
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Cool poem! It is both a story and a poem and I always like reading poems like that. Thank you for entering my competition and good luck
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Glad that you enjoyed it. ^_^ thanks for hosting the contest. Good luck with your judging.
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i found the elemnts of a story within your poem much like a prose...nice imagery and description...
Good luck
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Thank you. ^_^ and thanks for hosting the contest. Good luck judging.
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I love this a lot. Your poems are something else. Twisty, strange. I love it.
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:D Dark.
I really like this story, it caught me by surprise at the end, thinking she was alright then realizing what had happened. Good story
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Thanks. ^_^ glad that you enjoyed it.
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Definitely creepy. I'm sorry I can't give better criticism, but poetry is definitely not my strong suit. As far as poems go, though, this was pretty good. It told a surprisingly detailed story in so few words, which I am incapable of.
Keep writing.
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LUCIFER. Lots of twists and the idea is original enough, BUT I'm gonna have to say the whole name written in the mirror thing at the end of the poem feels kind of cliche and forced.
That had such a creepy feel to it, I like your style of writing.
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Hmmm maybe I should take the mirror thing out. Thanks for reading and commenting.
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AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! At first I thought is was going to be one of those 'I woke up and it was all a dream' things which completely ruins the ending of a good story. The twist was suprising and made the element of the story so much more exciting. A great read.
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I hate those kind of wakes up and all a dream ending. So predictable and not a satisfying ending at all. I like to do the twisty, wow-what-the-hell kind of endings. I think I have been doing a pretty good job with that. Lol
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I've read a story called Never Trust A Fallen Angel ... anyways. Good job on this!
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I liked the twist at the end...
...as well as the layout.
I thought it was clever ending each stanza with a letter of his name. I also liked the idea how he was beautiful from a distance, with the ugliness coming out upon closer inspection.
I do have a couple of editorial suggestions, if I may? You wrote, "Clothing on his back started to rip. Gruesome, thorn red wings came out of his back." However using the word 'back' twice detracts from the piece. May I suggest, leaving out the first 'back' so it's instead; "His clothing started to rip. Gruesome, thorn red wings came out of his back."
You wrote, "And what a relieve I felt." But I think you meant "And what a relief I felt."
Here you put, "I screamed. I screamed so loud that I felt I was going to puke." How about distancing this a little for greater impact? Like, "I screamed... I screamed so loud that I felt I was going to puke."
All in all this poem was an enjoyable read and of course, this is just my feedback on your work. Please feel free to use what is helpful and discard what is not.
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Thank you ever so much. I would probably up in a mess if you didn't come along over here and help me. Lol
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Wow...this was really good. Seriously, that little twist at the end was very unexpected and really added the horror to the story. It reminded me of a dream I had the other day...lol...creepy. Amazing write though!
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Wow I really love this poem, to be honest I don't usually enjoy poems much unless they rhyme, but there's something about your poems that stands out, so well done
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Wow thanks. ^_^ my poems are not really the traditional poems...wait...I take that back. I think I only wrote one that did rhyme and that was My Horror House. Other than that, most of poems do stand out. Most of them are in the twisty, horror kind of poems that people rarely write about. I guess I did want to stand out from all the other people and be with the ones like Edgar Allan Poe.
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Icy blue eyes , how did I figure it was you lol and you did really well with this
you used a twist in his name and you used a ultimate twist with the ending , wow the dream was not really over. It reminds me of a time I always went to sleep at 10 pm and always woke to see the clock at 1134 , which spells hell upside down and could not sleep the rest of the night and would stay up till i could see the sun rising and sleep for a hour or two. The words were well placed and I dont want to know how you came up with this and dont tell me you have a friend named Damien but anyway it was neat to read and well even if he took my house there , I dont like warm or hot weather lol . so I would not be welcome lol.
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Of dang 1134. That would have freaked me out if I was still sleepy. Lol, I got
more paranoid when I'm really tired. Really I don't know how I got the idea of this poem so I wouldn't have been able to tell you. Lol, I think it just popped into my mind. I hope I never have a dream like this. Lol
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"icy blue eyes" is a little cliche... but still a good effort. I like the ending, too, the reader does feel for the girl. Strange, how the planet Venus became entwined with the Lucifer mythos (the name just means "to light"). Keep writing!
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The icy blue eyes are actually my eyes. If you actually say yh you would know what I mean. Lol. I kind of put myself into this poem so I guess I'm the girl that Lucifer brought to Hell.
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Fair 'nuff, all the best writers both draw from experience and put themselves into their work. And the eyes, they can say so much... ;-)
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I wish I could keep clapping but my hands hurt!!
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Thank you. Thank you. I do rock at poems in this genre somehow. Thanks for the claps. ^_^ one loves the claps. I'm glad you really enjoyed it.
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Of course I enjoyed it. I usually enjoy various things that don't suck.
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DEAR MOTHER OF GOD!!!!!!! FREAKIN BRILLAINT!!!!!!!!! I love this poem!!!!!!! You brilliant girl!!!!
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Wow. I didn´t know what was going on at first, but realising the name gave a very nice chilly feeling. poor girl.
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Yeah I was actually working an this while talking to you. Lol, multi-tasking. What a gift. I came up with this yesterday. Not too sure how the idea came to me but it did.
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lol, maybe it came from hell. dun dun dunnnn
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Maybe. Lol who knows.
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