Antoniette 'Toni' Aloise was just an ordinary girl until she met the man of her dreams. He changed her life forever, he and the vampires who have taken her prisoner.1
Isolated in a small town and hidden underground, vampires hold a large group of humans prisoner. The humans fulfill every need for the vampires from basic food to the more sordid desires. Toni abhors her situation and try as she might through escape, suicide, and even murder attempts she fails to find a way out. Between torture and delight she learns what it means to be a servant to vampires. Somehow she settles into her new role as slave, makes friends, and finds time for love. 2
Even as she begins to believe herself to be an ordinary slave, secrets are revealed proving the vampires have worse things in store for her. She's plunged into the middle of murder mysteries and hunter attacks. Then she learns her fate might have been decided before she was born. No matter what she thinks she knows, everything is only perception. 3
Will she continue to fight against the vampires? Or will she succumb to destiny in the end?
Author notes
This is the ongoing series of Toni's life we begin at the moment she's kidnapped and end... well now I can't give that away can I? At the moment the first novel, or rather the first phase of her life with the vampires is complete. We're currently exploring the second out of five. Please enjoy reading "Leaving the Light" and "Season of Darkness."
Here's the link to the first chapter;
http://storywrite.com/story/173912
In a list
A contest entry
- contest for Y O U O^o^O by black reflection.
230 points, ended July 28, 21 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Give Me a Summary by Mad Ink.
225 points, ended October 25, 19 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Summary by The Golden Son.
175 points, ended November 1, 19 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Did it grab you?
Comments
1 - 29 of 29
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Seems creative even with the idea of vampires :))
PS: Twas grabbing
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HA HA!! THIS I like! Excellent. Love and action. At first when you said vampires... I'll admit I was a little iffy. Good origionality, you've sparked my interests.
Good luck!
love
and most importantly
Ink ~ -
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Thanks, yeah, the vampires are just a plot device to allow for some of the things they do (taking people slaves, etc). So I hope you enjoy it.
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I don't care if it is long story or simple excerpt from your noval,i simply love to read about it. This is short but intresting read dear. keep writing. and good luck,
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Thanks.
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whew,that was a lot shorter than i imagined, i still want to read the rest of your story,,good luck.
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*Thanks* I'm glad this got you hooked
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You have an interesting topic and plot line, but I need more. Sentences are somewhat choppy, try making them a little longer in the second paragraph by combining two ideas and using commas. Don't use too many though, that's annoying. There was a lack of detail too. I know it's just the beginning, but a little more detail is necessary for me to get the basic idea of this story. Try adding some dialog there too. I enjoy a lot of dialog and little narration because it makes the characters seem more realistic. Also, try not ending the piece with a question. My teachers have always taught me not to do that and I agree with them. It almost sometimes makes it seem like you are not sure yourself what is going to happen, and it also seems like you are pushing the readers to read more. Don't push the readers, let them decide for themselves. A good writer is able to capture the reader and the reader will want to continue reading. That is what you want to do here. You want to present your idea in such a way that it leaves the reader wanting more when they finish. You want them to sit back for a minute after reading and say "Wow that was really good," before they move on with other activities. Asking a question just doesn't do that. The preview as it is right now really isn't very exciting and honestly, I probably wouldn't read very much farther. I'm sorry if I sound overly critical, I get like that a lot, but I'm just a very opinionated person. You do have a very good topic though, and you have a lot of potential, so with a little editing, you could go a long way. Good luck with this. Tell me when you finish and I will tell you what I think! (This is, if you still want my opinion after this comment!)
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Thanks, but I'm not sure you understand this is just a summary, not a beginning. It's pushing because that's what back of the book blurbs are supposed to do, it's an advertisement basically. But if it didn't sell you, then it didn't do it's job.
I am planning on fixing the choppy sentences per suggestions from others though Thanks for reading and giving the thoughtful comment. I will be working on this and I'll let you know.
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I understand what it was and I know why it was pushing, but honestly, I don't like summaries on the back of books and I really think you shouldn't try to immitate the writing on the back of the books, use your own style to write the summary you clearly can do it!
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Actually this was for a contest asking for a back of the book summary
I do understand as I generally like a book to talk for itself and usually will read a little of the opening instead of the book back. As I mention in my notes I do have the full first book written and I usually let that talk for itself and have done fairly well.
However, I feel I do need to work on this sort of thing if I intend to ever pitch my story to agents and publishers. I've never been very good at summaries, and obviously I have a lot of work ahead of me.
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I think it's an interesting idea for a book, but I think the second paragraph need more variation on sentence length. All of the sentences are short, which makes the paragraph sound a little choppy. And at the end, the "Please enjoy" business is unnecessary. In fact, I don't think you need the last paragraph is needed at all. But that's just my opinion. Make of it what you will.
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Thanks I'll look into that, mixed with Vanilla King's comments sounds like a reworking of the second paragraph is in order.
Yeah... maybe the last para should be in my AN? -
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Actually, I think that's a great idea
The fourth paragraph makes for a much more dramatic end. It gives me this... Da-da-DDDAAAAHHHHH feeling, you know? haha I probably make no sense 
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it makes sense Thanks again.
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Hmmm it sounds interesting, but I have to say it also sounds cliché. I have no idea what the story is like, but if I would read this on the back of a book, I probably wouldn't buy it.
Things like "Escape appears impossible", "she makes friends and finds time for love", "murder mysteries", "everything is only perception"... They're all things that are used way too often and don't make YOUR story stand out!
Let us know what makes your story so different from all the other vampire-novels we've been getting lately. What makes your story so special?
Good luck!
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hmmm... when you put it that way, yes, the phrases are a bit cliche. The problem is the book is very (and by very I mean about the size of 3 novels) long. It's very difficult to generalize things without getting cliche and unfortunately I have to generalize to get it to fit on the back of a book.
But I will think on it some more and see if I can come up with some not so cliche sounding descriptions.
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This sounds very interesting.
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Cool! At the moment I am a bit sick of vampire love stories but yours rally intrigued me so I mightt give it a go. Good luck for the second book.
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yeah I can understand. Hope you do give it a look. As I told franklynx it's more about the people, I more or less use the vampires just as a plot device to have a reason for them to be where they're at and treated how they are.
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Intresting.... Vampire stories arent a favorite of mine, but it seems ill try this one out..
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I hope you will find you'll like it It's more about people and how they deal with certain situations than just about vampires.
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Hmm...interesting. Yep, it grabbed me, and I'm also curious as to whether you're going to use slave-master love or something like that.
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well... sort of, there's a bunch of different relationships going on. Nothing explicit but yeah there are adult themes.
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Wow. You really grabbed my interest with this.
I think the storyline itself caught me the most.
I'm definitely bookmarking this to read the later chapters.
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Yeah! Thank you!
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That sounded like a really cool story and I'm alway's a sucker for vampire novels. I think I should probably check it out.
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Thanks And I hope you enjoy it Thanks for commenting.
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Sounds awesome.
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