Infamous Love - Out Of Context - Extended Version - Draft

I watched him - biting my lip furiously. 1

How can one guy be so arrogant? How can one guy pretend and lie about how he feels to conform to this atrocity? His eyebrows arched, as if he was bored and dissatisfied with everyone around him. A fan had come up to him, and was talking exuberantly; he nodded along – unable to show any emotion but ennui. Even from where I was I could tell that his eyes had glazed over and he was probably wondering whether his hair was a mess or not.2

It was a mess – an unintentional mess according to him. He says he neglects it, doesn’t wash it and just runs his fingers through it. He does - I know, but surely emphasizing the fact that he doesn’t have to do anything to look perfect...gives him the same satisfaction as being told how he was. 3

He wasn’t perfect – not in my eyes at least. Pretending that he feared being looked at and then going into a business such as acting is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Claiming that he smoked because he was bored, not because he thought it suited his out of bed - hung over look that seemed to have every girl in the room drooling. 4

He was standing a few metres away; I just stared as he looked around, pretending not to have a care in the world. His eyes met mine a few times, but he looked away as if he had seen nothing. My expression must have shown signs of disgust and annoyance because I definitely was not feeling anything else.5

I wanted to go over, shake him and tell him to wake up from his dream world that he thought mattered, and that not everyone’s live revolved around him. I would probably get thrown out by Jack who was his body guard and standing a few metres away checking out the menu. 6

Hearing about him in the media, every day, every second with something new “He smokes” “he hates children” “he wants this...” “He does that...” it sickens me, and he pretends it sickens him. Maybe it does? Maybe I interpret his mannerisms wrong? Maybe he’s living up to the facade of being a celebrity? 7

I wondered what was going through his mind, he smiled at something to his right but his smile was wrong, he bared his teeth but his eyes were unresponsive to the expression. What was he thinking? 8

I guess you’re wondering why I care? Why I should even entertain the idea that if I did walk over, grab his shoulders and shake him screaming about how disappointed I am in him, would it makes a difference? Would he listen? – The reason is - I’m his wife - soon to be ex wife. 9

Robert Downham, one of the Hollywood’s most rewarded actors – was my husband. We met in England three years ago, when I was just seventeen and in...10

London. My favourite place, I didn’t come here often but any chance I got to come here – I’d take it. I lived in a small village a good forty miles away, with no immediate contact with anyone but my family – being able to catch a train up here was a relief. The London streets were busy and not the comfortable busy that you can get but the annoying, slow walkers type of busy. I stumbled a couple of times and noticed when I had corrected myself that there were a large group of mostly women running in one direction. 11

“What is going on?” I muttered to myself. I glanced around and half the street had swarmed to one side of it. The screen above coca cola industries displayed a corner of the street, and a guy’s face was being projected along it. Women screamed, girls ran and men looked overly unenthusiastic as their girlfriends and wives swarmed towards the guy – who looked petrified. I guessed he was famous, because of the pure excitement coming off the women in waves, but I didn’t recognize him at all. I continued to try and push my way through the crowds, feeling sorry for the poor guy as I watched girls pull down their already too revealing tops and hitch up their already short skirts. 12

After about a block of stumbling and tripping over girls eager to get a glimpse of the guy I reached Bond Street, every one that had been there was now swarming over the defenceless celebrity. I reached my hand back to the nape of my neck and flicked my hair out of the collar, the day was hot – the air almost moist with perspiration. I crossed Bond Street on my way to the bookstore when there was suddenly a crashing sound and the back of my head hit the concrete of the pavement. 13

I sat up quickly, to avoid anyone wanting to help me up. The back of my head pounded with blood and I felt a little sick. I wondered whether I had been run over and was awaiting more pain. 14

“I'm so sorry” the articulate voice almost cooed, interrupting my subtle grimace and body check that I hadn’t hurt anyone. 15

“What the -?” I managed to gasp as he lifted me, I hadn’t realized who he was until his hand cupped my elbows pulling me forward. Cameras flashed before I could even open my eyes fully, the man smiled crookedly, he looked embarrassed as I looked him over. 16

He wore a light blue shirt and jeans. His hair was light brown and he had the most peculiar green eyes I had ever seen. Cameras continued to flash and women continued to scream as he gently took his hands off me. 17

“Are you alright?” he asked, ignoring the crowd that continued to scream his name. “Rob! Rob!” 18

“Yes” I answered immediately. Although my head was pounding a little, but I wasn’t sure whether it was the crack on the pavement or the crowds screaming towards us. 19

“I'm ever so sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was going...” he explained, running his hand through his hair. He looked away from me in that moment, scanning the crowd with a look of distaste in his eyes. I looked around too, cameras continued to flash in our direction. 20

“Oh no” I groaned, flicking my hair outwards to avoid having my face photographed. I wanted to get out of the spotlight more than anything and after smiling at “Rob” I stumbled my way through the crowd, rubbing the bruise beginning to form on the back of my head. 21

“Are you sure you’re alright?” I heard his voice from behind me and I had to smile a little at his effort to care. I hated crowds, and the one following him didn’t seem to mind that I had been knocked on my backside because he was running away from them. 22

“Am I sure? – not really” I admitted, smiling and turning towards him. Camera’s continued to flash so I turned before my eyes could meet his. I wondered why I couldn’t name him fully, “Rob” meant “Robert” I couldn’t recall any actors, singers or models by that name. What did all these women want if he wasn’t any of them? 23

No doubt, he was attractive but I couldn’t name him. 24

I heard him chuckle lightly, so I turned just to catch his smile. The air suddenly became very thick as I watched him. He was almost breathtaking; it now made more sense why these girls were following him. They continued to scream, but most of the photographers had got what they wanted and left. 25

“Do you need a doctor?” he prompted after I didn’t speak. I touched the back of my head and tried hard not to wince as my fingers reached the sore spot. 26

“No...Thank you. What were you doing anyway?” I demanded. If a photograph of me was going to be in a magazine because this strangely gorgeous guy knocked me on my head, there better be a decent reason behind it. 27

“Well...I was running” he admitted, in a whisper. He glanced around at the crowds of women, when suddenly a police car with its siren blaring park behind them. Policemen jumped out and began to hold the all too eager women back from pouncing on Robert. 28

“From?” I asked stupidly. 29

He coughed then glanced around as if I had missed something too obvious for words. 30

“Why are they running after you?” I stepped a little closer to him and breathed in his heavy cologne. His hair blew forward in the light breeze. He had long sideburns and his hair was scruffy and looked unwashed. 31

“Do you not know who I am?” he frowned and then looked slightly relieved as I glared at him blankly. 32

“Am I supposed to?” I thought him a little arrogant, in expecting me to know. Not every seventeen year old reads OK! 33

He laughed then, and I smiled. “No, I'm sorry. Shall I take you to a doctor?” 34

“Are you going to bring that lot with you?” I joked, glancing at the crowd with disgust. People could be such savages. 35

He grimaced. His body guard stepped out of a black BMW and ushered Robert into the car, what I didn’t expect was that his body guard would then begin dragging me in too. Women outside screamed and moaned in jealousy as the body guard, with large muscles slammed the car door. 36

“Antagonise them why don’t you?” I moaned “who are you?” 37

I watched him intently; he smiled with what seemed like relief and his body guard turned in his seat, staring at me then at Robert. 38

“My name is Robert Downham” he said, slowly as if trying to trigger recognition in my memory. The name did not ring any bells; I nodded and smiled, stretching my hand across the seat between us. 39

“Natali Crawford” he took my hand lightly in his, but didn’t shake it. Our linked hands remained in each other’s for longer than was suitable for a stranger shake but I wasn’t complaining. The body guard turned and chuckled to himself. 40

His name didn’t help me with the mystery of his fame. I let go of his hand 41

“What do you do?” I asked, looking out of the tinted windowed car. 42

“I'm an actor” he said, as I turned back to him. 43

I answered immediately. “Is that it? Those women were treating you like the new pope after conclave!” I laughed as he grimaced again “sorry” I muttered looking away. “Where are we going?” 44

“The hospital” he said, loudly and the car took a heavy turn to the left. 45

“I'm fine” I insisted. “You can let me out now, there are no crowds of horny women hiding behind the bollards” I joked again. Robert smiled a little then looked back at me. 46

“Are you sure you’re ok?” he asked again, leaning forward. I was fine, despite wanting a reason for staying with him I couldn’t find one, and I was no good at faking pain. 47

“Sure” I insisted. 48

The car stopped, parking on a curb. Robert got out of the car and opened my door. The warm air was still thick and Robert made no effort to move as I got out, my foot became wedged between the side of the door and curb and I fell forward, my face crashing into his chest. 49

I flinched back from the memory, the aching in my chest almost gagging me. Life was a lot simpler when I did not know who Robert Downham was, I was a lot simpler. I wasn’t obsessive, jealous, angry, tired or married. 50

I took a deep breath and walked over. When his eyes met mine, and he looked down embarrassed – foolish. Fake. Never trust an actor. 51

“Robert” I said, unable to really muster enthusiasm. It had been around four months since I’d seen him. He hadn’t changed, his green eyes still made my heart flutter. After a second reality hit me and I remembered my actual marriage to Robert – then the fluttering stopped. He breathed out through his nostrils as he looked me over – I got the sense he was still angry. Good – I was in the mood to humiliate him in front of these people.52

“Let’s go” he said. I followed him outside, the air was cold and there was a car waiting outside. 53

“Aren’t you going to tell Mark you’re leaving?” I asked, turning back. Mark was Robert’s manager and I guess you could say family friend. 54

“No” he answered getting into the car. Talking in monosyllables was obviously the new trend. I fought back a smirk as I got into the car. He sat as far away from me as he could, leaning against the opposite car door – immature. Robert had found out my plans to divorce through Mark. As Robert – never answered his phone and hadn’t come home from work in eight months. He’s the kind of husband that always put his wife first – I thought sarcastically. He didn’t say anything when the car started to drive down the road – many people stared. Trust Robert to have a limo pick him up from a restaurant. He leaned his head into his hand and bit his index finger – he was thinking. I rolled my eyes wanting to get this over with. 55

Robert being the selfish person I know him to be, wouldn’t come and sign the divorce papers until I brought them – wouldn’t receive post. He wanted me here – god knows why. I rolled my eyes. 56

“Can you sign them now?” I almost whispered. I hadn’t ever asked him out loud, it had always been through e-mail arguments or Mark, who had got into contact with me at Robert’s request to find out where I had gone. For some reason it was harder to say than I was expecting. He turned his face towards me and looked at me as if I had asked him to jump a cliff or something. From my own knowledge, I guessed that Robert did not want people to know of our divorce – bad reputation? Being a divorcee before thirty? – For me it was twenty. 57

Robert and I got married when he was twenty two and I was seventeen. I adored him. Every aspect, he could do no wrong (apart from one argument) I thought we were perfect. The thought stung as I remembered how happy life was three years ago. I sighed “please” I added. He looked at my eyes, not really seeing them – he was still thinking. His hair had flopped forward over his forehead – I fought the temptation to brush it away. Although what love I had for Robert had gone cold, because he hadn’t come home in months, I was deprived of more than just his company. The thought of our long nights together made me shiver with excitement, despite everything – I wanted him right there in the back of the limo. 58

He frowned “can we get back home first?” his voice broke, and I could sense the polite “please” that he never uttered. 59

Home. I had not been home in months; I shuddered to think what condition it was in. Robert was messy, all the time.60

He watched me until I blinked “fine” 61

I looked out of the window and tried to push the cravings to touch his face and kiss his neck and...62

“Natali?” I heard him say. I stayed looking out of the window. I didn’t want to meet his eyes with this lust in mine. “You look...you look – well...great” he murmured 63

I snorted and rolled my eyes, although it was my intention – I didn’t like that he noticed, I knew behind the compliment he was saying “thanks for dressing up, to prove you’re over me”.64

I wanted to show him that I didn’t care about him, that I was able to look after myself without him, able to breathe and make an effort for other men – not him. Not anymore. I had just come back from a work meeting though, despite the amount of expensive clothes I had packed, which were at a hotel a few blocks away. I wore grey flannel pants and an ivory blouse – both designs I can’t even remember. I had just come from a meeting with work – discussing my new working conditions. 65

“Thank you Robert” I replied expressionless.66

He didn’t speak again. 67

Robert was never very verbose, a apart from when it was to distract the other person from asking too much about himself. Robert was always very honest with me. I stared out of the car window and could not help but drift again into a memory of us together – our first date. 68

The taxi stopped us at a large park busied with trees but not many people. Robert had already paid and got out of the car in time to open mine. He had performed the gesture three times; I was not used to being treated so respectfully, with the sun blinding my eyes I frowned. 69

"Are you hungry?" he said, his breathe at my ear. My heart fluttered erratically. I wanted to dismiss the pathetic reaction but I couldn’t and I actually was starving, I had missed breakfast. It was either that or the train. 70

"Yeah, starved" I answered, turning around and hoping to see some sort of restaurant. All I saw was Starbucks, and instantly thought how lame it was in there. Everyone thinking they're extra trendy because they're drinking ordinary coffee, from a place called Starbucks. “Must instantly makes it cooler right?” I thought and frowned, watching people go in. 71

"Starbucks is the nearest" He huffed, obviously as unimpressed as me, "But I am hungry" he said, taking my hand before I could answer, dragging me into the busy cafe.72

The cheerful waitress's face dropped when she saw Robert, she tried to act cool but failed miserably and I wasn't sure what Robert was doing, but he looked from me to her, every time she spoke as if for my approval or something. It wasn't helping her performance, she stuttered and her skin went an insane plum colour. We ordered coffee, cake and some sort of sandwiches. He was completely shocked by how much I ordered - I'm sure it wasn't about the bill, but I asked him anyway.73

"How can you eat so much?" his eyes drifted to my body all the way down to my feet and back up again, I raised my eyebrows when he reached my face and replied.74

"Good metabolism." I said, taking off my jacket. His presence was doing strange things to my body temperature. 75

We ate and talked about random things for a while, I tried not to ask too many questions. But he didn't.76

“So you’re afraid of crossing roads – what else are you afraid of?” he asked, taking a sip of his coffee and watching me over the rim of the mug 77

“Err...spiders – obviously living up to typical stereotype of girls” I said, laughing “boats – well, not boats but being on them. Water – like the ocean – swimming and stuff that scares me” I answered, racking my brain for more things that I was scared of. “There are a lot more things I am scared of, I just can’t remember. What are you frightened of?” 78

“Typical stereotype...” he laughed “...of boys – I am not afraid of anything!” he bellowed in an extra deep and low voice. 79

“No seriously” I laughed. 80

“Crossing roads” he swallowed and then looked up as if thinking hard about his answers, or my reactions to them. “I’m hypersensitive. I don’t like being in crowds, if people are looking at me – I don’t like that either” I instantly looked away from him as he said that and waited for the rest of his answer which didn’t come. 81

“I think you are in the wrong business if you are afraid of people looking at you” I said, looking back at him. A smile grew on his face. 82

"What’s your favourite colour?" he asked, obviously on a roll of 20 questions and ignoring mine.83

"Blue. No wait, purple. Or red?" I said, trying to think "No, all of them" 84

"What's your Middle name?" 85

"Don't have one." 86

"You don't have one?" 87

"Nope" I said, shaking my head. 88

He asked me everything, right down to my favourite number. It’s seven. But I was getting impatient, it was my turn.89

"If I googled you what would happen?" 90

"Don’t do that" he laughed, "I have no idea, I haven't actually thought of doing it. I doubt theatrics get that much press, but there is a forum for "Taming of the Shrew crew"." 91

I laughed, he said their name so casually, and it sounded strange. 92

When I looked up, he was smiling at me, then he turned and looked at the clock behind him, I followed his gaze, the clock said half six.93

Damn it, it's late... I've missed my train home" I blurted standing up. "Robert. I need to ring my parents" he stood up and threw thirty pound in cash onto the table and hurried me out. The waitress was walking over to our table as we left. 94

"Would you like to borrow my phone? Give them a call? I have a spare room in my house if you would like to stay? - if you don't have anywhere else" he seemed really embarrassed for asking me to stay at his house, after meeting a few days ago. I wanted to stay, which was strange for me. I had just met Robert, and however stupid it sounded I trusted him. 95

He smiled as I dialled. The phone rang twice before my mum answered 96

"Hi Mother...it's Natali" I said, waiting the yelling. 97

"Hi...are you still in London?" she sounded sleepy...it was hard to make sense of her words. Robert was behind me playing with my hair. I smiled at him as he kept his face close to mine, pulling faces and teasing me.98

"Yes, mother I'm in London. I'm really sorry I met a friend, and we went to lunch and completely lost track of time. There's no way of me getting home tonight so she's letting me stay at hers, she's coming into Bury tomorrow, so she'll give me a lift in and everything...sorry for not letting you know sooner.." I was genuinely sorry. I know how she worries. 99

"Yes that's fine. Just don't go to sleep too late...have a good day tomorrow..." her voice sounded bored and she had hung up before I could answer her. 100

I clicked off the phone, and reached up, wrapping my arms around Robert. His teasing had been a complete distraction, and without even trying to hold myself together I pulled myself closer to him, pressing my lips against his. It was electric, instantly his lips moved along with mine. He held me tightly around my waist lifting me so he didn't have to bend down; I pulled his face closer to me, unable to stop. It was like nothing I had ever done before, kissing a stranger.101

He was no stranger now, and finally the car came to a stop, I was in a hurry to see the condition of my home so I practically jumped from the car – leaving my naive little memory in the car with Robert. 102

I punched in our security code with more force than necessary because I was still angry with myself. I hated feeling like I was making a mistake, and the more I allowed myself to remember Robert for the person I thought he was, the more I think I'm making a mistake. 103

I punched in the code, and the gate creaked and began to open. I didn’t give it time to open fully and began to help it through, I went up the steps – not checking whether Robert was coming or not, my heels clicked across the cement.104

I opened the door and was greeted with the lovely, welcoming scent of cinnamon. Robert and I chose it, it reminded me of Christmas. It was one of my favourites; I couldn’t help but smile at my home. I adored this place, the blood red walls of the hall way, the green interior of the kitchen, the white sofa – everything about this place I adored. I took off my coat and went to hang it up. Robert by this time had switched the coffee machine on. 105

Forgetting the situation, it was like having him home. He drank too much coffee and watched me as I paced the living room, taking in everything I would miss so dearly when I went back to England. Whilst in England, I stayed with my mother for a suffocating three days before she kicked me out. I was apparently overreacting to my heartbreak over Robert and my mother though that it was unhealthy for me to feel this distraught. 106

I then stayed with my brother, Luis. Who is a saint for letting me stay with him as he says the extra room mate deprived him of sex with cheerleaders and tea bags. After a few weeks of living with Luis, my best friend Alyssa posted her apartment keys to me and I have been living there ever since. 107

I work as an architect, after many years of Robert pestering me about what I should do for a living; I went with my instincts and with what I wanted to do at the time. I'm good at my job, it doesn’t too require much of me – not that my husband does either. I'm able to work where I like, I can travel anywhere I want on the company card to visit my clients and order almost any material or ground testing I want. I paced the room again as the coffee machine beeped; Robert had been watching me the entire time which was something I was used to. I looked towards our bedroom, the duvet unmade and the blinds drawn shut. I wanted to go in there, to sleep for a few hours – something I had not been able to do since landing in L.A 7 hours ago. 108

In the divorce I have allowed Robert to keep the house, although I did contribute to paying off the mortgage. I wanted him to have it, despite his cruelty and injustice towards me, this place was his sanctuary and Robert can’t work from England like I can. I had planned to quit or extend my job to England, I travelled often – to see clients and check on sites so moving back to England and working from there was no problem. 109

Hesitantly, I walked over to my bag, Robert watching me - his arms folded. For some reason I could not meet his eyes, he would always know what I was thinking. 110

I pulled the slips out and laid them onto the counter. He looked at them and then back at me. 111

“So you won’t even talk to me about this?” he said, in a smooth almost harsh tone. After four months of not answering the phone to me, he wants to talk to me. Did I mention he’s a hypocrite? I rolled my eyes and sat on the kitchen stools opposite him.112

“No” I answered, leaning back. I drummed my fingers, itching to grab the pen from the draw behind him. 113

“This is your problem, Natali” he said, shaking his head. He suddenly looked very impatient. “You don’t talk about what bothers you. You just go off and do what you want.” 114

Memories of our previous arguments were suddenly flooding through my mind, I wanted to push them out but he had finished talking and his words had gagged me. He was right, I misinterpreted everything, almost always and now all I could think about was our first break up. 115

“Crazy, wake up” he said, sounding impatient, like he had been trying to wake me for a while. 116

“Hey-whoa” I murmured, turning slowly but feeling quite dizzy with sleep. I sat up and looked at Robert. His eyes were searching my face, waiting for me to say something. I frowned in frustration and exhaustion, and then flung my arms around him. “Hi” I breathed moving myself closer, his arms wound around my waist. I felt so good to have him home. I put my hands to the back of his neck, lifting his face to mine and kissing him. 117

“Hey” he smiled, hugging me again. 118

I suddenly remembered why I had come early. I needed to speak to him. I pulled away, 119

“You know, I’m been checking the forum and some website to see how’re you doing?” I asked, trying to remain calm. “I saw a picture of you, from a club in Oregon. You’re smoking and the caption says it’s marijuana” I said, waiting for his reaction. He rolled his eyes and shrugged. His hands fell from around my waist.120

“Urgh! Robert is it true? Why have you been doing that?” I asked, disgusted. 121

“It wasn’t marijuana. It was just a cigarette. See, this is why I didn’t want you checking that website. Some things can get misinterpreted that’s all” he shrugged again and lent forward. I stood up, folding my arms. 122

“You didn’t want me to check the website because you didn’t want me to know what you were doing” I said, watching his reaction, but his face remained neutral.123

“Maybe” he nodded. He looked tired, as he looked up at me. 124

“Or should I say who you were doing?” I said, my eyes narrowing and awaiting his answer. 125

He coughed, and then began laughing. “Excuse me?” he said, now standing and walking toward me. I stepped backwards into the coffee table 126

“Ouch” I said, rubbing the back of my leg. “I’ve seen the other pictures too, the one of your “famous love”. Nicola Grant - She’s gorgeous Robert, congratulations” I clapped my hands and he suddenly looked very angry. I had never seen him, even slightly indifferent. He always seemed composed and ready for anything. This threw him off his game, slightly...127

“Natali that is the most ridiculous thing you have ever said to me. You can not seriously believe that I would cheat on my fiancée whilst in America with another actress?” he looked at me in disbelief. 128

He was very angry, I tried to remain calm but I was frightened of how angry he was becoming, my heart began to beat too fast and I was afraid he could hear it, in the dead silence of his house. 129

“Aren’t I supposed to ask those questions?” I managed to mumble, my eyes were fixed on the floor, unable to look at him, but from the corner of my eye I saw him shrug. 130

“Maybe you shouldn’t have been looking through that forum. I did warn you the media can play jokes and get things wrong” he said, he voice suddenly more calm, and his eyes were on my face. I was able to look up, my eyes locking his. 131

“What exactly did they get wrong Robert? Were you with her? Have you been with her?” I asked, not necessarily wanting to know the answer. 132

“Well, I’ve kissed her Natali, its part of my job” he shrugged again, I took another step away from him, unsure of what to do with that answer – It was neither yes nor no. 133

“Do you have feelings for her? I said, trying to keep my distance from him, I was standing near the bedroom door. He was looking at the floor. 134

“I did, and so did she. We...we were-” he said slowly - closing his eyes “but then I met you” he said it almost begrudgingly and wouldn’t look at me. “Look...I know, my fame would become an issue in our relationship...but you can’t let this silly rumour - let it ruin our relationship” his voice had calmed down a little. “...But I think if you don’t trust me, and that you can’t stand the rumours...” he hesitated “...we shouldn’t be together anymore” he whispered. 135

“Right” I breathed, nodding and lifting my head to throw back the tears. I had to get out, before I turned into a crying mess on his living room floor. His face hadn’t changed its indifferent expression, and I thought he wouldn’t even notice if I left. I began walking forward taking long steps towards my coat and as I put my hand on it, his was at my wrist. 136

“What are you doing?” he asked his face hard and he was staring at me, his eyes manic. My skin flared hot, like it always did when he touched me, his face close to mine. I looked down at my wrist and pulled away hard. I still felt sick and I couldn’t think properly. 137

“Get away from me Robert” I said, staring at him and walking towards the door. 138

“You stupid girl, how can you believe any of this?” he said fiercely after me, I turned around in shock. 139

“You aren’t exactly convincing me it isn’t true Robert! And I may be a stupid girl, but only for loving you, I thought trust came with that but obviously not” and with that, I ran out of the door. I stood outside breathing heavily and crying, it was dark and the air was cold. 140

There was suddenly a loud and heavy bang from inside the house, like something mechanical falling apart. I didn’t look back at the door, fearful I would open it. I walked straight ahead and sat on the curb waiting for my taxi. 141

The anger of that argument and my frustration now crashed in my ears. 142

“I didn’t realize that you not being at home was a problem that I needed to explain...” I swallowed “...would it not have occurred to you that that would have bothered me?” I stood up, walking away from him.143

“You are ridiculous. It’s my job” he spat and ran his fingers through his hair. 144

“I’m your wife” I explained. I could feel tears tickling my eyes - I tried to hold them back. “Was your wife” I amended 145

He rolled his eyes, and for some reason there was a smile on his mouth. I frowned at him. How could he find his enjoyable? I wondered what he was thinking about in that moment. 146

“Yeah...” he turned to spoon sugar into his coffee. “You know, you had the life here – L.A, perfect job, perfect house” he said bitterly. 147

“What makes you think I needed that?” I asked stepping closer and half shoving him out of the way to get the pen, despite everything when he grabbed my arm to steady me as my attempt to move him, resulted in me stumbling backwards, I felt a jolt of pleasure – ignoring it, I got the pen and slammed it on the counter next to the divorce papers. 148

“Are you saying it didn’t make you happy? – if you are, you’re insane” he said “how can that not have made you happy? I did it for you!” 149

“Don’t you dare start explaining your sacrifices” I almost screamed “I left my family, my friends – my life...” I swallowed trying to calm my voice. “...My life for you. I moved half way across the world for you. For your job” I stepped back – horrified and sick he would say that - his words revolving around my head. 150

“If you’re begrudging it to me now, why did you do it?” he asked setting down his mug and stepping closer to me, his face was inches away - surely the fact that we were newly married and in love would have been the answer to that question, and we were in love. I was seventeen and had a funny, exciting twenty one year old boyfriend who could do anything he wanted to. My memory of our wedding day still swallowed me in happiness. Robert and I had just come back from a premiere. Arriving back at our hotel room in las vegas, the day before our wedding. 151

“Thanks” I said as he dropped me onto my feet, I flipped my sneakers off and hobbled over to Robert to ask him to unzip my dress. He nodded and taking off his jacket, he walked over - his hands seemed frozen as they glided down to my waist with the zip – the dress fell effortlessly. 152

“Oops” Robert chuckled lifting me over to the bed. My heart raced as he placed the covers over me and kissed my forehead. His eyes – sparkled up at me. I smiled at him as he got undressed and slid into bed turning the lights off. 153

“Hey guess what?” I whispered in the darkness. I heard him laugh but he didn’t answer me “we’re getting married tomorrow!” I squealed in a low whisper, he laughed loudly and I felt his now warm hands wrapped around my waist. The excitement was unexplainable – I didn’t even recognize the feeling.154

“You’re excited now?” he whispered, his heart beat was at a steady pace, whilst mine did jumping jacks. 155

I nodded into his chest “very. I- I don’t even – I can’t even explain it. I have a different perspective of this marriage stuff now I’m actually in the situation” I giggled. He breathed slowly – I couldn’t see him smiling, his fingers glided down my spine and my eyes rolled up into my head a little. I closed my eyes and started planning out my near future...156

“I thought of what I’ll do after I get my results” I said, “I’ve already been looking into universities in London” I swallowed waiting for him to catch on. 157

“That’s good” he breathed obviously tired “I planned for you to move in with me, regardless of whether you go to university or not. Which I’m sure you will” he said holding me tighter to his chest. My heart throbbed at an incredible rate – I couldn’t believe how lucky I was. Living with Robert seemed like an effortless choice, every moment I wasn’t at school I was at Robert’s, or thinking about being at Robert's. 158

“Perfect” I whispered and he kissed my forehead again, closing my eyes I fell asleep completely content. 159

The next morning the sun shone through the large window of our hotel room. Robert was already awake and dressed, and in a t-shirt with a picture of a bow tie on it. I giggled and Robert looked up from the chair he sat in. 160

“Nice shirt” I said as he crawled up the bed “why didn’t you wake me up?” I asked as he kissed me. 161

“Not let you have a lie in?” he said raising his eyebrows “I would rather you be happy and energized on your wedding day” 162

I laughed and jumped out of bed. “I better get ready” 163

I had a different perspective on the wedding dress code– being there in Vegas and ready to marry Robert. I had packed a little white linen dress that would work as a wedding dress and threw that on in haste – it was too hot to wear jeans anyway. When I looked into the mirror I hardly recognized myself, my cheeks blushed a ridiculous red and my pupils had almost covered my irises. I looked happy – and I have to say, I felt it. 164

I stepped out of the bathroom – ready to grab my bag when I was scooped off my feet by Robert, who spun me around until I felt sick. “What happened to jeans?” he asked setting me onto my feet. 165

“It’s too hot” I said glancing out of the window. “Is this not ok?” I asked turning around in a full circle. 166

“Ok?” he said, stepping forward “It’s beautiful” he smiled lifting me up by my waist “but we have to go” he said, again setting me down. I grabbed my bag, unable to fully slow my heart rate. Waiting for the elevator was the worst – we pressed the button three times before getting the stairs. 167

We got into a taxi and asked the driver to take us to the nearest wedding chapel. Las Vegas was just as energetic as it was at night, the streets were covered in people, walking busily – running about their everyday lives. There were more taxis on the road than any other car, rows upon rows of yellow – just like the movies. The buildings were insanely tall, nothing like London or anywhere I had been before. Robert, who had been here many times before, looked disinterested but eager to look out for the wedding chapel. 168

The taxi stopped at a white building with pink italic writing on the side 169

Las Vegas Wedding Chapel170

“There! There!” I shouted pointed to the chapel. “Look Robert!” 171

The taxi stopped and I threw money at him, not caring how much. I was so excited my body burst with adrenaline “come on” Robert begged, grabbing my hand and pulling me out of the car. I was in fits of laughter because what we were going to do excited me more than anything in the world. 172

Around the edges of the entrance to the chapel were white roses and lilies. It was perfect, the inside of the chapel was completely pink, even the women behind the counter was dressed head to toe in it. Robert – pulling me along with him marched straight up to her. 173

“We would like to get married” he said, pointing at me and the woman behind the counter burst into a white veneered smile. 174

“Well of course ya would” she exclaimed in an American accent. “You’re our first customers this morning so ya get it on the house” she winked at Robert, and not to subtly checked him out. She had incredibly white teeth; it almost made me ashamed to open my mouth. “All ya’ll need to do is fill in this form, and when you’re done let me know” she winked again as if her eye had an itch. 175

The form was to be expected; the usual passport details, names, ages and I had a certain satisfaction in writing “Natali Downham”. After filling those in we took them back to the receptionist who smiled and congratulated us. We stood waiting for the large white, double doors to open when I suddenly realized something 176

“Robert” I said, linking arms with him “Did you write vows?” I was suddenly worried that I hadn’t and had no idea what to say. He looked back at me with the same look of panic.177

“No” he swallowed “did you?” 178

“No” I answered suppressing a giggle at how stupid we were to forget. 179

“Hey ya’ll?” the receptionist called from behind us “do ya have a witness?” she asked eagerly. 180

Robert and I both looked at each other and erupted into laughter – another thing we had forgotten. The receptionist offered herself to be the witness which we happily agreed, she bound up to the front row of the chapel as the music began to play – it was an old man playing the wedding march on the key board. 181

Walking straight without tripping was a challenge on a normal day, but walking with Robert, down the aisle wasn’t so hard. He giggled as I tried to concentrate on the timing my steps with the music, but I couldn’t. 182

After a few steps we both gave up and began walking at Robert's long stride speed. 183

The service was short. The usual; I do’s, the exchange of rings and you may kiss the bride. Robert put his warm hands to my face – as he always did and pressed his lips softly against mine, and leaning back began swinging back and forth on his heels, grinning at me. I looked up at him with complete love and admiration. I could not wait to leave the chapel as Mrs Downham – no matter how old it made me sound. 184

I was angrier at myself as I looked at my husband’s face, his green eyes watching me – waiting for my answer. I was frustrated, just because I had allowed us to get into this situation and I was angry at Robert for letting us too. 185

“You make me sick” I sneered “you are the cruellest, sickest person I have ever met! Loving you was the biggest mistake of my life!” I screamed so angry, blood felt like it was gushing from my ears “I’ve wasted three years of my life with you” although I was screaming, and his hurt expression caused me some satisfaction – my heart squirmed as I said the words. 186

“Do you love me?” the memory of his question suddenly interrupting my defences. He had asked me it after our last argument. The conversation was almost ingrained in my memory. 187

I traced my fingers up his chest and he caught them holding them tightly in his own. We were at our home in England, before moving to America. I watched our fingers link together as my head rested on his chest. 188

“Yes” was my answer, and if he asked me again I would be sure the answer would be the same. As much as Robert was a hypocrite so was I. 189

I looked up at him for the first time since my outburst - he looked sad. His eyes were grey and the smile had disappeared. I contemplated my own advice. Do you trust an actor? He picked up the pen and my heart lurched, was he going to sign the divorce sheets now? 190

He smirked slightly “mistake loving me?” he murmured still watching the pen swirl in his long fingers. I wanted to step forward at that moment, and touch his face. I wanted to tell him I was lying but guilt gagged me – I could barely move. The pen stopped spinning and he set it onto the counter. I watched his face, waiting for him to meet my eyes. I was suddenly aware that hot tears were falling down my cheeks. I always cried when I was angry, it’s a humiliating tendency but at that moment I was grateful. 191

If he saw my expression he would know. He would see that I was lying. He looked up and his eyes were almost full of tears. Actor or not, Robert was not that good. My stomach turned and he stepped closer pulling me in by my waist. 192

In that moment, nothing mattered. The four months apart, the eating alone almost every night for a year while he dined with fellow actors, denying rumours for him that were actually true, going to interviews, even doing photo shoots, going to sets to see him just for an hour a day – nothing in that one moment when his lips touched mine mattered. 193

If a part of my mind had thought of this being a mistake, it wasn’t big enough. The same overwhelming feeling of being whole and right came flooding back to me, and it was not the first time I was feeling it, after Robert broke things off with me I went what some would call “to the extremes” drinking, taking drugs and just being an overall idiot. I remember making the most idiotic mistake of making a promise with my friends and my mother and 194

...The trick is to never make promises, that way you don’t end up hurting or disappointing anyone. I promised Alyssa I wouldn’t do any drugs, or go out with Stacey. But I did. I went out a lot, almost every night after school, just to escape my sobriety and ease the ache in my heart. My mum was beginning to worry. 195

“Mum no! You can’t. It’s not just him alright? I’m just going through a phase. I’m experimenting, I’m a teenager alright? I can’t always be the girl who comes home and does her homework, I’m getting a life. Please, I promise you it’s nothing to do with him. Promise me you won’t call him?” I was pleading with my mum again, I didn’t come home last night, and worrying sick about my new found social circle - she began threatening to call Robert. 196

The thought of him hearing about me through my mum, about what I’ve been doing made me feel sick, like my heart filling with acid and it paralyzing my body. 197

“Alright but don’t have me worrying about you all night, let me know where you are” she said, and I exhaled. 198

“Promise me mum, don’t call him” I said, watching her, I was pretty sure she wasn’t listening; she was humming as she folded clothes. “Mum?” I asked again. She was in her own little world. 199

“I promise” she said, and left the room. “If you promise to come home tonight” she came back around the corner, her face a cruel smile, willing me to agree. I saw her pleading eyes “urgh, alright mother” I said, shaking my head and running out of the door, to Stacey’s house. Another night of “numbness” coming my way200

“Heya babe!” Stacey smiled and hugged me. “Ready for a night out?” she said, “I’m wearing the blue wig tonight, you can have the green, we’ll match!” she giggled - the gin was obviously open. 201

“Gin and cigarettes?” I asked, smiling. 202

“Yes please” she said, handing me a cigarette she had just lit. I took a long drag, the numbing effect was taking longer to wrap around my mind, I took a longer drag and held it in, letting it run through me, and the dizzy sensation was intoxicating. 203

I remember getting ready, wearing yellow shorts, my blue wig, and a white top. We had body paint this time and we covered ourselves in hearts and stars. We’d finished two bottles of gin before the boys arrived; they were the same guys, tall and dark. I grinned at them as I got into the car, and was surprised when they remembered my name204

“Nat! Hey Babe hows you?” I still didn’t know who they were, but answered them as if they were dear old friends. 205

Once Stacey had picked herself off the ground, the driver handed her a spliff, she smiled, said thank you and lit it. I watched her close her eyes as she inhaled. She took such a long drag I didn’t think she was going to stop; she then opened her eyes and handed it to me. I took it, and imitated her exactly, it took over my mind completely, it was disgusting but I was suddenly so relaxed I didn’t care, I also suddenly felt incredibly hungry...206

I remember arriving at a familiar looking house, being burnt on the arm with a cigarette, and then arriving back at my house. I remember my mother’s face of worry as I walked up the drive, in my high heels and my short shorts. I remember pushing her away, when she tried to help me as I was sick. I remember wondering where Stacey had gone, and insisting I go look for her. I suddenly heard a pigeon cooing, and it was bright inside my bedroom. My white bedroom walls reflecting the sun that came through my windows, I turned over, cursing and throwing my duvet over my face until I couldn’t breathe. There was suddenly a heavy bang coming from the front door, it sounded impatient, I ignored it. 207

“Piss off” I thought, but the banging continued it didn’t stop and angrily I flew my duvet off me and zipped a grey hoody over myself - it hung low on my hips. I didn’t look at myself, just tucked my hair behind my ears and thumped down the stairs. It was so bright outside, and my windowed corridor let the sun seep in. I didn’t look out of the window, and angrily thrust the door open. 208

I squinted up to a face that broke my heart.209

Robert. I took his face in quicker than my mind registered him. His hair was shorter, and he seemed taller than I remember. His eyes, full of worry searching my face – drifting down to my body, and the mess my hair must have been in. I stepped back and subconsciously pulled the hoody down over my hips. I was angry and confused as to why he was here, I stepped back further, my eyes unable to leave his. 210

“What are you doing here?” I said, trying to act angry, but my voice came out full of concern, the relief of seeing him was better than any drug I’d taken in the past weeks. My heart fluttered and as he stepped forward, my brain immediately screamed in pain, and I put my hand up “don’t. What are you doing here?” 211

“Your mother called me” his voice was wobbly; he obeyed me, and stepped back outside. He was wearing a dark shirt, the buttons low. It was like torture seeing him, looking as he did. It was like our separation had not affected him in anyway. My temperature had flared and I was angry, mum had called him, after I kept my promise of coming home. I began to feel a little sick. 212

“Why did she do that?” I asked, playing aloof, as if I’d been the perfect child recently. 213

“She told me what you’ve been doing, all the drugs and parties. This isn’t like you Nat, why are you doing this to yourself?” he said, leaning forward. I warned him with my eyes not to come in, and he stepped even further back.214

“It was good enough for you wasn’t it? Marijuana - your best friend right?” I said, pulling my hoody further over my hips and then using one hand to flatten my hair, which was sticking up. 215

“You were actually” he smiled a little, then he looked away embarrassed. I felt very immature standing there – the true mess I was. I was still so confused, why was he here?216

“Don’t” I said, again putting my hands up to him. Tears began welling in my eyes, “don’t” I repeated, as he started coming in to the house, he ignored me and stepped towards me. 217

“You have to stop this Natali, it’s not clever, and why have you been doing this? It’s not safe. Your mum told me, you’ve been going out every night and doing drugs! Why?” his angry eyes on my face, I looked away, ashamed and embarrassed. I let it fill me up; it was easier to be angry when I couldn’t see the concern in his eyes. 218

“well you said I was stupid” I said, folding my arms, my hoody riding up, I left it this time, I felt his eyes go over my body, then I saw him blink slowly, as if suppressing some kind of dirty thought. “A stupid girl” I repeated. He closed the front door. “What are you doing?” I screamed “get out Robert” 219

He ignored me, and walked past me and going through the other side of the house to my bedroom. I followed him, screaming “Robert get out!” questions running through my mind as I watched him search my bedroom. Why was he here? Why did my mum ring him? Why wouldn’t he leave? What was he doing? His presence such a relief, yet at the same time suffocating. 220

“Put these on” he said, handing me a pair of jeans. “Please” he asked again, pressing them into my arms, which were folded. 221

“no” I replied, stepping out of the way “get out” I shifted my weight “please” it was supposed to sound arrogant, but it came out as a plead, even to my own ears. 222

“Put these on Natali, just come with me to London, please” his eyes were pleading, and he forced the jeans into my hands and stepped out of the way, thumping down the stairs. I didn’t know what to do, I wanted to go, and I had missed him so much. I threw on the jeans, and leaving the hoody on as subconscious luck, I stepped slowly down the stairs. When I turned the corner he was standing outside, his eyes closed as if he were praying. I stood and watched him, in my own little reverie of how happy I was to see him, he looked good, and a lot better than I looked, or felt. I hadn’t looked in the mirror, or brushed my teeth. 223

Suddenly he turned, as if knowing I was watching, his eyes met mine and I jumped, “time to put the brave face on” I thought, and stepped into my shoes and out of the front door. I locked it and turned. He was watching me, as I walked down the drive towards the black taxi that was parked at the end of my drive. He was still watching me and I continued walking past him, he muttered “thank you” but I kept my eyes on the car. I got into the car, and doing up my seat belt arranged my position to face out of the window. 224

I wanted to tell him everything, how I had been. How him not being with me, had led me to become a junkie, unable to remember my weekends because I wanted to forget the one person who made me feel complete and understood in this world. I wanted him to know and understand why I did this. But I wasn’t ready, I thought if I begun explaining I’d fall into a mumbling mess, in between sobs of my complete happiness of seeing his face and that he was alright. I focused on what I could see out of the window. 225

He got into the car with a sigh and put his belt on. The driver started the engine as I watched the sheep in the farm opposite my house. They were standing still, so absent and oblivious to everything harmful in life, they were the lucky ones. 226

“Are you alright?” Robert asked, pulling me out of my “I’m jealous of sheep thought” my head whipped around, giving him a “what do you think?” look. I looked away almost as quickly and ignored him. I watched the trees fly past us, the driver was going fast. I leaned forward trying to see the time on the dash board. It was too far away and I squinted. Robert, who had been watching me said, “it’s almost half eight” I leaned back, refusing to look at him. Half eight? Why had he come so early? Had my mum rung him this morning? Or this afternoon? 227

My mouth felt incredibly dry, I tried to swallow and lick my lips, but this dry and salted sensation in my mouth wouldn’t go away. I continued to stare out of the window. I could feel Robert looking at me; I breathed in deeply, and rolled my eyes. I tried to focus on counting the trees, 1 tree, 2 tree, 3 tree...I got to fourteen before Robert asked me 228

“it’s probably a stupid question, but how’s your life been? I’ve thought about you every day. Always wondering what you’ve been doing.” His voice was friendly, a frown formed on my face, and tears began falling down my cheeks, I sniffed and tried to concentrate on the fields outside. If he thought of me everyday then why didn’t he call? Why didn’t he come and find out? I ignored his question, suddenly feeling very sick. The taste of salt poured into my mouth. 229

“You need to stop the car!” I screamed to the driver, he pulled over almost automatically as if expecting me to be sick. 230

“What’s wrong?” I heard Robert say as I got out and vomited into a ditch. I coughed, holding my hair back. I heard Robert get out of the car, and walk over “Are you alright?” he said, his warm hands suddenly on mine, holding my hair back. I pulled away not saying anything. I just stared at him, telling him mentally to leave me alone. He took a step back. I took another step away from him and closing my eyes I breathed in through my nose, feeling a little less sick. “Better?” I heard him say, and keeping my eyes closed. I turned the other way, so not to face him, to get into the car. 231

We were in the car for around twenty minutes before he asked me anything else. It was more of a statement.232

“I got the ring” he said, pausing as if really concentrating on what he was saying “you didn’t have to send it back, it was a gift” he clumped his hands into fists, and I watched a frown crumple his forehead and I had to fight with myself, not to reach over and touch him. 233

I needed to get rid of the ring; I needed to forget about him, as I thought he had me. It was suddenly silent; I felt a little hot and opened the window. For a long time we sat in silence, I was thankful for it. I thought maybe he had given up asking questions. I sighed slowly in relief, the pain in my stomach still boiling like bleach and I felt very sick “stop!” I screamed again, and running from the car, I was sick again. It burned my throat, my head throbbed with pain and my eyes streamed with tears. 234

I couldn’t hold them in anymore. I was frustrated and my head ached. I was never usually sick, and I thought maybe it wasn’t the drink, or the drugs. It was Robert. I was like a heroin addict, having gone cold turkey, then suddenly getting a fix. I was sick again.235

After minutes of heaving I began walking a little towards the car. The tears still streaming down my face, I sat on the side of the road, my head in my hands. I was sobbing uncontrollably. I was not prepared for feelings this way. It hurt my head and my stomach. It was suffocating. I heard footsteps approaching but I couldn’t move. 236

I was a statue of misery. He stopped a few feet away; I could only see his shoes - lace-less sneakers. My stomach churned, they were my favourite shoes he had. I breathed in deeply and lifted my head. The tears were still rolling down my cheeks. He was searching my face; his expression looked like he too was in pain. I looked into his eyes, transferring exactly how I was feeling on to my face, unable to hide how sick I felt, or how much I wanted to cry. I didn’t wipe a tear. 237

I cried and kept my eyes on his. He walked over, and suddenly I was paralyzed unable to move away or speak. His arms were around me, his body moulding to mine. I sighed and couldn’t help leaning into him. I hugged him back tightly, I felt relieved and finally able to breathe, my head was numbed and my heart beat quickly, the happiness was so overwhelming, all I could do was cry into his arms. 238

I’m not sure how long we sat there for, but long enough for the taxi to honk twice. I heard Robert sigh, and he stood up taking my hand - leading me back to the car. I got in, reaching for my seat belt and watching him walk around to his side of the car, and instead of getting into his seat; he got into the middle, putting his arms around me, cradling me. I felt safe for the first time. We rode in silence; I closed my eyes and leaned into him. One of his hands holding my face, the other around my shoulder, I was so comforted I didn’t want to move. I kept my eyes closed for the rest of the journey, remembering that Robert had his arms around me. I finally felt able to feel tired - wanting to dream.239

Wanting to dream wasn’t what I wanted now. 240