Who Am I? ( Chapter 15) + ( Chapter 16 )

FIFTEEN 1

“Hey babe.” I smiled jumping on her giving her a hug. 2

“Hey chicken.” She said quietly. I could barely hear her so I turned down off the music. 3

“What’s wrong?” I asked hoping she wasn’t to mad with me. 4

“Why so interested?” She asked, she was mad at me. I didn’t blame her though, I hadn’t been the words best friend to her. 5

“I’m really sorry hun; I have been a total idiot. I’m sorry I haven’t been much of a friend to you. How was your trip?” 6

“That’s okay hun; you have been going through a lot. I still love you.” She smiled.7

“I don’t know why, but tell me how your holiday was? You look upset.” I asked a little worried about her. 8

“It was good….great even…until I got back.” She said swallowing hard.9

“What happened?” I asked afraid of what she was going to say to me.10

“I went over to see Trent when I got back last night; I really missed him and that.” She started.11

“Keep going.” I pushed wanting to know what was going on.12

“I walked in his room to find him in bed with AMY! Of all people; she is supposed to be one of my friends! I thought he loved me! He promised me he wouldn’t do this again!” She said in tears and collapsed in my lap, I brushed her hair out of her face. 13

“Honey you can do so much better than him, you don’t need him. What a total Ranga!” I exclaimed.14

This wasn’t the first time Trent had cheated on her and mad her cry. He treated her like shit and all because I was so into myself, I let it happen.15

“He says that it is over this time, he doesn’t want to be with me. I could have forgiven him, I love him. I mean come on I was gone for nearly 3 weeks, he has needs.” She said but I couldn’t believe that the words were coming out of her mouth. I couldn’t believe that I had agreed with her before. 16

“You don’t need him; all he did was treat you like shit. You don’t have to put up with him cheating on you! There is no excuse for it! I can’t believe that I have sat here and made you think that it was normal! I have been such an idiot.”17

“It isn’t your fault Hayles. You didn’t see the side I saw of him; he didn’t treat me that bad. My heart is hurting, I feel like I am dieing. I don’t know what to do.”18

I felt so bad for her19

“Don’t do this to yourself.” I said gently stroking her hair, I had sat with her a hundred times and comforted her each time he cheated, I used to sit there and pretended to listen to her. I actually heard what she was saying this time, and I wasn’t going to let her stay with him. This time I was mad.20

“Sit up Taylor.” I said lifting her off my lap.21

She looked at me with her big brown eyes that looked completely shattered. How could I have been so blind? How could I have let my best friend do this to herself? 22

“You have to stop! You need to tell Trent to fuck off! He does this to you all the time, cheats and then a day later he wants you back. You know why he does it? Because you let him do it, you let him think that he can do what he wants.” I snapped but not in a mad at her way, a mad at the whole situation kind of thing.23

“But you always told me that it would be okay, that sooner or later he would wake up.” She cried. I said that?24

“Forget what I said. I am an idiot! You have to tell him the next time he crawls back that it is over; you are through being his little booty call. He knows that he can have his cake and eat it to; only you can take it away from him. You are the strongest person I know. You DON’T need him.” 25

“But I love him Hayles. What is wrong with me? Why can’t he be happy with just me? Why does he need all these girls?”26

“Nothing is wrong with him, it’s him! You are too good for him. I know that it is going to hurt for a while, but it’s gonna keep hurting like this all the time if you keep him in your life. You listened to me about keeping him, please listen to me now.” I said.27

“I know that you are right, I tried so hard to make it work. I guess he just can’t be satisfied.”28

“If it wasn’t you it would be someone else so don’t feel like there is something wrong with you. He isn’t worth a single tear you cry. I am so sorry Taylor; I have been a horrible friend. I knew it was happening but I didn’t say a word.”29

“What brought this on Hayles?” She asked, it wasn’t like me to ever say a bad thing about myself. 30

“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the past…..erm….few days I guess. I know I am not the nicest apple in the tree. But I am trying to change. You are my best friend in the whole wide world and I have treated you like spam. But I want you to know that I love you.” 31

“Hayles I know that and I love you too. You haven’t been a bad friend. I have so much fun when I am with you. As much as it kills me, I know that Trent will come back to me in a few days, and I am going to tell him that it is over. I can’t put myself through this every time he gets bored.”32

“I’m glad hun, good for you. You can do better.”  I reassured her. “You have so many guys after you at school anyway!” I added.33

“I think I am going to lay off the whole dating scene for a while. I need a break from all the pressure and bullshit.” She laughed. “I spoke to Luca last night when I got back.”  She added looking as if she had been wanting to squeeze that in somewhere the whole time. 34

“You got back last night? Why didn’t you call me?” I asked trying to dodge that topic.35

“Don’t change the subject, he sounded really miserable, and said that he couldn’t be around me when I am with you. What happened?”36

“It’s a really long story.”37

“Well we haven’t seen each other in weeks, and I have plenty of time to catch up so SPILL.”38

So I won’t bore you with the details of telling her what happened again. I told her everything from our first argument, to how I tried to fix things and then the day at my Grand Mothers House; finally the conversation at my house.39

That is the great thing about Taylor, she was upset as hell but still wanted to know if I was okay. She still sat there for 20 minutes listening to me talk.40

“That is so horrible hun, poor Luca; I hope that he is okay. I don’t see why you just don’t tell him you love him. I know you do, everyone else knows you do! Chum on! You’re an idiot.”41

By the way, chum isn’t a typo. It’s the way she always used to say come on to me. 42

“See that is what I have been saying all along. I am an idiot. I don’t deserve him Tay! He deserves to be happy!” 43

“Are you even listening to what you are saying? You think he deserves to be happy right?” She asked. 44

“Yeah.” I replied unsure of where she was going with it.45

“YOU ARE WHAT MAKES HIM HAPPY YOU DICK HEAD.” She said.46

That really hit me, I had never thought of it that way. I did want him to be happy. I did want him to find a nice girl. But if I was what made him happy, and he did the same for me; how could I argue with that? I mean I know I could not promise him forever, but I could promise him right now. I knew that he is what I wanted right now. There was a reason why I never liked any of the guys at our school. I loved Luca. There was a reason why I gave my virginity to him and not one of the other 2000 guys at out school. I loved Luca. There was a reason why we had been friends for so long and he had stayed single. He loved me. I loved LUCA!47

I couldn’t promise him forever, but I couldn’t let the fear of it not working, step in the way of something great.48

“You’re right Tay, you are absolutely right!” I burst at a loss for words. Was I really feeling this? Was this real? It all felt so surreal but at the same time, nothing had ever felt this right before. 49

“Duh I know that! So what are you going to do about it?” She smiled looking please with herself. 50

“Oh I don’t know now, I am leaving in three days!”51

“What? Run that by me again! You are what?” She exclaimed.52

“Well I told you about finding my Nan and that well she have me an address and I am going to check it out.” 53

“Oh my gosh, I am going to miss you so much! What am I going to do without you?” She sighed.54

“I won’t be gone that long; well it depends on what I find I guess. But I know that my home and family are here.” 55

“Really, but she is your Mum, what are you going to do if she wants you to stay with her?”56

“Well she can make the effort and come down here; I shouldn’t have to do it all. I can’t tell Luca now, it isn’t the right time. I will be gone in a few days.”57

“Yeah you can, he will wait for you, and he has waited this long hun. He will be happy more than happy!” 58

“Call me crazy but I can’t talk to him about this, the thought of it makes me nauseous. I don’t know what to say.”59

“Well um…write it down! Send him a letter! He has written hundreds for you! It would be so romantic! The first letter he ever got is the only one he ever wanted.” She smiled.60

“I’ll give it some thought. Are you going to be okay?”61

“Not really, I don’t want to be alone tonight. Would you mind staying with me and doing the girly thing? I understand if you can’t.” She asked.62

The look in her eyes pleaded for me to stay, I could not leave her alone while she was feeling like this. She would have never done it to me. 63

“So who’s it going to be Chad or Orlando?”  I smiled.64

“Well I am really, really depressed so I think we better do both and throw in David too.” She laughed. 65

“Done deal, let’s go to the shop.”66

There wasn’t a problem in the world that couldn’t be fixed by Chad Michael Murray, Orlando Bloom and David Boreanaz. They had helped us through many of our problems. At the video store we hired ‘A Cinderella Story’ for Chad, ‘Valentine’ for David and ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ for Orlando. The perfect girl’s night in...67

SIXTEEN 68

I left Taylor’s house early the next morning. I wanted to start getting organised. I had a lot to do in a small amount of time. I know that I had promised Mum to tell her when I was leaving, but over the days that followed it became impossibly hard. I couldn’t do it; I couldn’t find the words to tell her. So I decided that I would leave her this:69

Dear Mum and Dad,70

I’m sorry that I left without telling you. I know that you will be mad and upset, but I also know that you will understand. I think that it will be easier on all of us that I do it this way. Please tell the school that well I don’t know. I am sure you will think of something. I love you both very much and I will call you everyday! Here’s a little poem I just wrote then. It’s not great but it explains how I feel. 71

Thank you for everything 72

Xxx Hayles Ooo73

Goodbye for a while 74

But it's not the end75

Please don't be sad76

For we will meet again77

Goodbye for today 78

But not for tomorrow 79

I will be back one day80

So please don't feel sorrow81

You have given so much to me82

But it's time to take a step back83

I need to find the answers 84

I need to get my life on track85

I want so much out of life86

There is so much I want to learn87

But you have done it all for me 88

It's time to do a major U-turn89

Thank you for all your support90

And thank you for making me smile91

When I say Goodbye please know that it's not forever92

It's only for a while93

This world is a big place94

And I feel like a fish in a small pond95

It's time for me to cut loose96

And jump out and beyond97

I promise that when I get there98

You'll be the first to know99

I'll come straight back to you100

So please don't let go101

So this is where I'll leave you102

Please try to understand why103

I'll think about you often104

But for now I'll say Goodbye105

I folded the pages in an envelope and put it to the side. The next letter I would be a lot more difficult. A fancy poem off the top of my head wouldn’t cut it this time. 106

Dear Luca, Guess what? I love you!107

“Lame.” I said scrunching the piece of paper up and throwing it at the corner wall in my room. 108

Dear Luca, Well you know how I said I didn’t love you? Guess what I changed my mind!109

“STUPID!” I yelled throwing it again. 110

Dear Luca…111

Dear Luca…112

Dear Luca…113

“FAR OUT!” I yelled punching the desk. 114

How could you tell the guy that you have jerked around for over a year that you want to be with him?115

Dear Luca,116

BEFORE YOU TEAR THIS UP PLEASE HEAR ME OUT117

No you don’t have to write that he won’t tear it up. Maybe he will so leave it there. Damn it! I need white out. 118

I know that we promised that we would stay away from each other; I know that was the plan. Plan, Plan… Is that the right word? Oh yeah I guess plan is fine. No don’t say that! You will sound like an idiot! You know more than anyone else that I am not one for expressing my emotions. No, that isn’t the right word; I should have said feelings. Yeah that is better. 119

This is all new to me Luca. I have never felt this way about anyone. As you can tell as I have just read what I have written so far, you can tell I am not handling it very well. But I am almost out of paper so I can’t start again. 120

I know how horrible I have been to you for a long time, I have taken you for granted, treated you well you know what I am trying to say. You have told me yourself. 121

So what I am asking you now for is a chance, a chance to make it up to you. Before you say anything, I don’t want to be friends anymore. I want to be more than that. No that didn’t sound right, just keep writing Hayleigh! I guess what I am trying to say is that I love you. I am in love with you. I always have been and I can not bear the thought of being away from you. I can’t stand the thought of not having you in my life. 122

I am leaving tomorrow to start looking for my Mum. I know it is a HUGE ask, and short notice but I want you to come with me. I don’t want to do this without you. 123

I am so sorry for everything I have put you through. I really am and if you can find it in your heart to forgive me, please meet me at the bus station by 2.30 tomorrow. I will understand either way. 124

I LOVE YOU LUCA.125

Xxx Hayles. Ooo 126

So it wasn’t Shakespeare but it came from the heart, I hoped that Luca could tell. It was full of mistakes, but I thought that added meaning to it. I rode over to Luca’s and put it in his mailbox…   127