Daniel Burns was eating dinner with his family out at a local Bob Evans one Wednesday evening when an annoying conversation came up. "Honey, when are you going to get a job?" his wife, Angela, nagged at him. 1
He took a long drink of his cola after she said that and sighed. "I've been looking, Ang. Believe me, I have. All in the newspaper and all over the internet. Nothing fits me."2
The thirty year old mother of two laughed softly at him. "Nothing 'fits' you? What exactly is that supposed to mean?"3
"Um, I don't think grilling burgers at 'The Burger Brothers' is the best job, don't you?"4
"Hey, you'll get free meals for the kids!" Angela teased, wrapping her arm around her six year old son, Vinny. "And I won't have to cook anymore... you damn well better take that job, Daniel!"5
They all started laughing, even though the kids really didn't have a clue what they were talking about. After about another minute, he added, "You see, I love watching the kids at home. It's a gift for me, actually. But what saddens me deeply is-"6
"Here you go, again," snapped the lady, rolling her brown eyes. 7
"Like I said," he started, "is what saddens me deeply is not being to be around the kids anymore. If I get a job, I'll never get to see them like I do now. Being home with them is fine with me."8
"I hate to break it to you, but our kids are getting big. Vinny is going to kindergarten this year all day, and Natalie is already potty trained. I think it's time for you to get a job, mister."9
"Job!" Natalie sweetly, even though she only heard the word. 10
"Good job, Natalie!" praised her mother, giving her a big kiss on the cheek. "You think daddy should get a job, too?"11
The two and a half year old baby smiled, showing all of her pointy teeth. Daniel started chuckling, took a bite of his cheeseburger, and swallowed hard. "Fine, I'll get a job. Tomorrow I'll go straight to 'The Burger Brothers' and ask if they're hiring," he joked with a twinkle in his blue eyes.12
"Oh, shut up!" giggled his pretty wife, all dressed in makeup. It was the end of their dinner.13
When they got home, they read the kids a story before they went to bed. "Hon," she yawned, opening the towel cabinet in their room, "I'm gonna get a shower. Could you read the kids a bedtime story tonight?"14
"But I suck at storytelling..."15
Unfortunately for him moments later, it was too late. She had already closed the door of their bathroom and turned on the shower. "DADDY!" yelled Vinny from behind him, rubbing his eyes. "Can you tell us a bedtime story?"16
With a sigh, Daniel followed his son into their bedroom. Their bedroom was painted half blue and half pink, with the carpet a simple teal color. He lifted his son up with a playful laugh and set him under the covers of his space bed. "Okay, Vinny." He sat on the edge of his bed and dug deep into his imagination. "I wanna tell you a story about..." Just when he was about to say something totally different, he noticed that it was the night before a full moon. Which set off a whole other topic.17
"A werewolf."18
"A werewolf? Aren't they scary?"19
"Oh, no, no. Not this one. This one actually helped... um... uh... Santa! Yeah, this werewolf was so helpful to Santa that he got extra gifts from him. In fact, the werewolf was so strong that he helped him give gifts to all of the children in the world, Vinny."20
"Oh. Daddy, I have a question."21
"What is it, sport?"22
"I always thought werewolves ate people. He actually helped Santa?"23
"Of course he did!" Daniel made up. "He told Santa that he wasn't like other mean werewolves."24
"Mean werewolves?"25
"Yeah, like the ones that kill vampires, howl at the moon, and eat all kinds of meat from animals."26
Vinny shook with fear under his blanket. His eyes widened as he looked at his empty closet, waiting for a big werewolf to jump out at him. Daniel smiled at him. "Don't be silly, son. No werewolves are gonna eat you!"27
The little boy was horrified, shaking like a leaf. He was so scared that he did not say a word until his mom came back in the room. "Mommy!" he wailed, running over to her. "I'm scared!"28
Angela gave her husband a dirty look. "Of what, Vinny?" she asked him, hugging him tight while he hugged her leg.29
"WEREWOLVES!" 30
Daniel then ran out of the room as fast as he could so his wife could not yell at him. He turned the TV on to a NFL football game and relaxed on the bed, in relief that his wife didn't nag at him again. About twenty minutes later Angela came in the room, *bunny*ed, and switched the TV off. "Hey, what the-"31
"You scared our six year old son about werewolves? How stupid are you? He was shakin' like a frickin' leaf thanks to you!" she yelled, laying on the bed beside him.32
"I'm sorry. I couldn't think of anything else. I told you I sucked at storytelling!"33
Angela then kissed him on the cheek. "Yeah, but you could've talked about more pleasant things. Like fairies, and unicorns, and anything else!"34
He laughed at her and got out of the bed. He walked over to the nearby computer desk and googled jobs. "I don't want our son to be a wimpy girl, Ang. He's gonna be a tough boy like I was when I was six."35
She also got out of bed, walked over to her love, and whispered in his ear, "Hate to break it to you, Daniel, but you couldn't have been tough as a kid, because you're not even tough now." 36
Then she exited the room still laughing, walking back to the kitchen downstairs. Simultaneously, Daniel searched for jobs, and finally found one that would fit him. "'Pizza delivery boy," he read quietly. "'Work five days a week with 'Patrick's Pizzeria' paying for gas'. Hmm... sounds like a pretty good job because I need the cash." Then he clicked on 'apply', filled out an application, and sent it to the website. 37
It popped up:38
Your work starts tomorrow at 10:00 A.M. where you will receive your uniform. Thank you for applying!39
Daniel smiled. "No more nagging from Ang," he said to himself, then yawn after wards. Tomorrow he would start as a pizza boy, delivering pizzas to all different people. The word different was an understatement, however.40
Author notes
This is my first fantasy start. I just need your honest opinions because I hope to complete this novel.
Was it good?
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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Good
I thought my stories sounded like dog crap compared to your way of writing, good job! -
Genuinely, I didn't really like it. There are numerous errors that are practically screaming at me, 'Look at me!' Perhaps it is because I tend to see mistakes faster than others, or perhaps your mistakes tend to scream at people.
-Your characters have a great personality; however, the way you portray it? Not so great.
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Your descriptions are atrocious. No offense, but stuff like 'giggled his pretty wife' (I presume that was in another chapter) is extremely unnecessary. Then, in another chapter I presume, you refered to her as 'beautiful'. Basically, beautiful and pretty are both entirely different. You couldn't possibly call someone pretty one day and then call them beautiful the next. Though you must not take that seriously, for I've seen even the best of writers make that mistake.
-Daniel, your protagonist, 'LOVES his life' because he has everything he ever wanted. The end, happily ever after. Right? Wrong. I hate to break it to you, but happiness doesn't just swathe you. You couldn't possibly have everything you want. As stated by Coraline, a protagonist in another novel, 'Nobody really wants everything they want'. What is beautiful about wanting is not always getting it.
-Dialogue is not good. Not really.
-If everyone was able to get a job that quickly, then getting hired would be so simple that there would hardly be that many homeless people.
-Young children are not sweet little creatures that coo in an adorable way happily, as you presented the protagonist's children to be. They are, sometimes, but not always. It's not like they will say in an adorable timbre, 'Me want ice cream now'. Usually, it's 'ME WANT ICE CREAM! NAO! D:<' Little kids and tantrums.
Though I do see that this might go in an adequate path.
~Ewig Lebensdaur -
I like it and like AppleJax said it does need more description which will help picturing everyone in the story along with places. But other than that awesome. Oh and Be careful of the Bunny thing just space curse words or put a symbol of some sort. ^.^
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It's pretty good, so far. I see some people already edited some of it. I think that this could be a good story, and I hope to see the characters come out more. Deep descriptions. I'm not saying it isn't descriptive, but there are parts which more description is needed. I'm going to head on to chapter two, and comment that. Well done.
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hey cool!!
I love it!
wait a second please*
*Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh It's good*
ikay i'm done.. i love it.. nice!! i want to read more!!! -
i think it's good.
the title part hasn't come in yet, but it is still very good
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Great job! Really nice fantasy story.. It definitely made me keep on reading!
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I really enjoyed reading this and I remeber being scared of werewolves and running to my mommy. The paragraphs were good. The bigging was perfect and very profeessionally written. The whole story is realistic and so are the characters. Great Job!
~A'ex
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Ok.The beggining is professional.Like you have a colossal expirience in writing.Wich is good.If you would like it to make it to a novel,I suggest you write a few pages more before you bring the werewolfes to the story.
I liked the characters,already told you that.keep it up,it looks like this is gonna be fun.
Remember to let me know when you write the third chapter.
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Cute!
Very original! I cant wait to read the rest of it!
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I liked this though in paragraph three i felt as though you were missing a word. Otherwise, keep writing, so we can read more
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This is a pretty solid piece of work, but I needs some polishing.
The thing I like about this story is that the characters are realistic. You can see the conversation between husband and wife about getting a job and the little boy scared when told a story about werewolves really happening.
Some things I'd like to suggest:
paragraph 2: He took a long drink of his cola after she said that and sighed--you already told the readers that his wife said something with dialogue. It feels awkward to me that you add "after she said that" right after her actual statement. Instead, I would start the sentence at "He took a long drink..."
paragraph 14: When they got home, they read the kids a story before they went to bed.--after this sentence, you go on to play out a scene where the characters talk about telling bedtime stories. Again, it seems like you repeated yourself. What you could do is describe that they got home in a couple sentences and then just start with the dialogue. The readers will still know what's going on.
paragraph 31: "*bunny*ed"--it's obvious you're censoring something, but it is so out of context that the readers don't know what you mean. I'm personally confused because you didn't censor words at the beginning of the story, but you decide to censor it now.
The ending has me wondering what's going to happen next. I'll be waiting.
Nice job,
Keep working on this though.
*Frozen Angel*
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1) dropped the all dressed in make-up and jus write she was dressed well and her face was nicely done up. 2) I am going to have a shower. not get. 3) WHAT IS Bunny*ed! This word is maddening--Answer Me! Afterwards goes together. Overall this reads much better and a big improvemnet on the background--there's nothing more annoying then trying to read a good story and not being able to because of the background. You should continue with this, it's not bad at all.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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It's actually good. I wonder how different was an understatement. It was verry diferent then what I expected.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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To be honest, I had not read a story about werewolf before. Very interesting. The beginning is pretty good though, as Spiders Kiss said, I can see the family's relationship. Its interesting that the daddy telling his son a bedtime story about werewolf and santa. As you said, he really sucks at storytelling.
He should learn more about this.
But I think you can write more about how Daniel feels scared of werewolf, I think it would be better if you develop more in this area.
The ending is quite good, I love it! um.. but I don't think it relates to the topic - werewolf. Or is there any specific meaning here?
And yeah, I think it is a good story so far. I look forward to read the upcoming chapters.
Good job and keep it up!!
Denise
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Here are some things you might want to fix:
--All in the newspaper and all over the internet. Nothing fits me."
~{Maybe you could say: "I've looked through the paper, and even on the blasted internet. Nothing clicks."}
--When they got home, they read the kids a story before they went to bed. "Hon," she yawned, opening the towel cabinet in their room, "I'm gonna get a shower. Could you read the kids a bedtime story tonight?"
~{You said they read the kids a story, then proceeded to have the dad tell them one...}
--...then yawn (yawned) after wards (afterwards).
This seems like a pretty good start! It's a bit unrealistic that he'd get the job so fast, instantly actually, and not have to have an interview. I'm sure an interview is required for any job. I had to have one. You could keep him getting the job so fast, but add in his confusion and skepticism over how fast he got the job. It would help set the mood for the rest of what you're going to write.
Nice job!
~sberendt
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Just a little polish! Good job.
Not bad...good effort. Try to avoid cliches though...like "I'd hate to BREAK IT to you"...or "shaking like a LEAF." And certainly, don't repeat them! (Actually each of the above WAS repeated in your story!) It's only a matter of being aware of these little buggers...and they tend to sneak insideously into one's writing...IF...one is not listening!
But again, very good start. Read your stuff aloud...but when writing...don't be TOO colloquial and cutsie in your dialogue. This, however, was pretty...pretty...good!
GA
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I like this so far! Daniel is a different dad. And what kind of werewolf helps Santa? Dad, you should go to writing school! Poor kid, he's freaked out about werewolfs. Great job!
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That's a great story so far, and I can really see the family relationships and what goes on through conversations and the actions they take...
Well! Imagine that, Santa receiving help from a werewolf! Some werewolf Dad made up
Keep the story going, I like it
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It had me hooked from begining to end! Daniel is a great character! Quite the funny man.
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nice job. It sounds like a typical family. A werewolf that helps santa? Wow that dad is not good at teling storys. I liked it.
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It was very good. The plot is awesome so far and I just love the main character. Keep writing.
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*Bunny*ed is pis***. But yeah, um, sorry about the backround. I wanted to make it look good. What needs work?
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what's *Bunny*ed? This does need some work but you have something here--the background makes it difficult to read.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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