House Of Fun

Great people, or indeed people with great talent often try and sometimes even succeed in transcending their chosen field of expertise or genre and become all things to all men. 1

Case in point, 2 Tone and ska revival band Madness, aka The Nutty Boys, with their lead singer Graham McPherson aka Suggs and the May 1982 number one hit single “House Of Fun.”2

Suggsy and his madcap cohorts made a living by dressing in black suits, of which the trousers were always at least three inches to short, presumably to show off the fact that they always wore white socks and arsed about in front of a clearly intoxicated camera man.3

Now being only twelve years old, I thought naively that the song was actually about some kind of roughhouse fairground shenanigans, involving pikeys and their usual favourite pastimes of thievery, incest or both. Turns out however that the ditty was actually about coming of age, the procurement of French letters from the local chemists shop and the pitfalls therein.4

You see what I am talking about? 5

It can deliver one message to one chap and something completely different to another.6

Another top-notch example of someone transcending his field is 1970’s and 1980’s British television presenter Johnny “Think Of A Number!” Ball. What old JB did not know about mathematics, trigonometry and boffinry in general, was just not worth mentioning. Even I, who had any interest in anything mathematical bored out of me by my extremely pedantic, lunatic of a maths teacher Morty, sat up and paid attention when JB launched in to one.7

The problem I had was this, if an extremely enthusiastic television presenter could have me watching and even enjoying a programme about calculus. Why couldn’t any of our high school teaching staff hold anyone’s attention for more than about five seconds? 8

Well when I say all of the teaching staff, that is not strictly true, as there was the shapely Ms. Marks. But if truth were told we only paid close attention to her because she was extremely attractive, wore tight short skirts and had a cracking pair of tits.9

Anyway back on point, as I have been once again side tracked by the fairer sex.10

I’ll tell you why! It’s because they were all total and utter bastards! That’s why, interested only in lining their own pockets and heading off to the local pub, to get three sheets to the wind of a Friday lunchtime, only to stagger back half cut and leer down the girls tops.11

Now old JB had his faults, for example I did notice on more than one occasion a very bad case of soggy armpit. Not to mention him being one half of the ill-fated duo to spawn future radio slattern and jug eared verbal diarrhoea merchant Zoë Ball. But unfortunate foghorn like offspring aside Johnny’s television appearances always hit the mark.12

Unlike our piss poor excuse for teachers whom only hit the mark when they were dishing out six of the best for being caught acting the wanker. 13

Talking of acting the wanker. It was a dry bright Monday morning at the smelly end of May 1982. A loud cry went up from the far end of the schools teachers’ car park, as pupils, girls and chaps alike, all ran for their lives. I stood motionless, mouth agog, as even I, whom for reasons apparent to anyone who has read any of this shit before, stared at Oss not quite believing what was unfolding before my eyes.14

Oss had in his hand a long piece of tree branch, nothing unusual or out of place in that you may think. However it was what Oss had draped across the end of said stick that was causing the entire furore.15

Namely one bright pink, jizz filled, used condom.16

“This is going over your head!” Bawled Oss as he terrorised and chased anyone in his vicinity.17

Mr. Crampbell our dratted Deputy Headmaster and professional humourless bastard was far from amused with Oss’s prophylactic antics. Telling him and I quote directly from Oss himself “You are a disgusting little ranch hand!”18

Ranch hand? 19

No I didn’t get it … either then or now!20

Oss’s reputation as a top clowner safe for another school year, but wait, he did not stop there as he mugged it up and played to the gallery of twelve-year-old boys. Who were by now packed in to the cloakroom and waiting to hear how he had escaped being killed to death by the fearsome Deputy Head.21

I once again paraphrase from Oss a little.22

“When Crampbell said I was disgusting and how I should not have touched it, as I did not know where it had been! I said I did know because it was mine. I filled it up when I had been behind the science block, “Practising” on Fat Brenda last Friday night!” He said with upturned thumbs.23

Now there’s a piece of horrible imagery I did not want rekindled in my head.24