Afraid of Friendship?

I used to have a friend, Daniele, from eighth grade to about the end of eleventh grade. Me and this girl did EVERYTHING together—parties, hanging out, school, gossiping, talking, laughing, crying, sharing clothes and makeup, sleeping over, everything. We were inseparable. When she moved to the south between the summer of ninth and tenth grade, I met a guy. Me and this guy dated for about six months, and he was abusive. Daniele came back home in the middle of tenth grade, and we picked up where we left off—best friends. Daniele knew this guy was abusive toward me and she was there for me when we broke up. Then, one day, she wasn’t. She was with him. Like, with him. A week after the kid and I had broken up. Needless to say, this altered our friendship a lot. She hurt me bad and I knew she was torn between a friend and a guy she had fallen in love with. So I tried to be a friend—I let them date, but things were never the same between us. I worried more about losing a friend than I did about losing him. I didn’t care about him, but I cared about the relationship between Daniele and me. 1

Senior year, Daniele and I had grown apart. She’d started hanging out with people I didn’t like, and people that didn’t like me. They did drugs, ran away, partied, and lots of them were pregnant. Daniele’s grades and attendance declined, and I knew she was throwing herself into a whirlpool of mistakes and, ultimately, long-life disappointment. I tried to help her, but she wouldn’t listen to anyone. She ran away and lived with the girl who was the worst influence upon her. She skipped school for almost three months straight, and we lost communication almost completely during that period.2

When Daniele finally came back to school, she got kicked out of most of her classes and eventually ended up dropping out completely. This was NOT the girl I’d known for five years; I had to admit it to myself. My once best friend was gone. 3

Daniele moved out of her house and now lives miles and miles away from me. I don’t have any contact with her, but I think about her almost every day. She was the one girl friend I’d ever had, and I really did love her. She made me feel beautiful inside and out, made me happy when I was sad, made me laugh when I was crying, and guided me and helped me through many things. Her loss is hard for me to deal with, and I was mad at her for quite a time. But now I realize it’s not her fault. She fell into the influence of the wrong people; a common mistake.4

Months later, I am now graduated and working twelve hour days at a factory near my house. I’m eighteen years old and going to college in September. I work closely with a girl that is twenty-one, and reminds me of Daniele only in the aspect that she is also a female. The girl is trying to be my friend, but I find that when I look at her, I’m looking for Daniele within her. She and Daniele are not the same person, therefore I’m not interested in her friendship. I find this to be a very abnormal situation, and I would really like to get through it because I miss having a close friend. I have to accept that Daniele is gone and not coming back—it almost feels like a breakup, and that I’m afraid to commit to another relationship, which in this case is a friendship.5

And that’s all she wrote.6