Nessa woke battered, bruised, and desolate. All around her the sounds of the hospital pulsed and worsened her already skull-splitting headache. She stared up at the sterile ceiling, wondering what to do. Her stepbrother had been placed in protective custody until his fraternal grandparents could come and pick him up. Nessa at 22, had no one to take care of her. 1
“Oh, are you awake, dear?” the chipper nurse asked her. “You’re to be released today, isn’t that great? The doctor said that the bruises will heal and you’ll be just as pretty as ever.” The nurse rattled on without waiting for any sort of response from the young woman. Inwardly she was troubled. The Thompson girl had not spoken a word since being admitted 3 days before. The myriad cuts and bruises on the young girl’s face had been cared for and would heal in time, but her spirit had been crushed. It would take much longer for her to heal emotionally.2
~*~*~*~3
Nessa stared at the letter, not knowing what to make of it. The officer that had held her the night of her rape had mailed her a letter telling her about his brother, Tanner Sorvino. Apparently the man needed a live-in nanny. She had a degree for that sort of thing, but she had never imagined actually using it. The officer had been kind, maybe his brother would be too...Anything was better than sitting around and waiting for Jackson to come back for her and finish what he started. With that thought in mind, Nessa penned a letter to Officer Sorvino. 4
Dear Officer Sorvino,5
Thank you so much for letting me know about this employment opportunity. I look forward to meeting your brother and nephew. I am available to begin my duties at any time. Again, thank you so much for all your kindness.6
Sincerely,7
Vanessa N. Thompson8
She sealed the letter and addressed it. Nessa sat back and contemplated it for a bit.9
“You need this, Nessa.” She whispered to herself. Pushing back from the table, she slowly walked through the front door and to the mail box. She dropped it inside before she had a chance to change her mind.10
to be continued...11
Author notes
Continuation of the story...
Again, I have never been raped.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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I would be agreeing that it needs to be long and perhaps...more intense in the emotions and the physical pain as well. Still...very well writtine.
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I think it is fine, but if it is to a chapter, then look at it longer, feel the pain, confusion, hurt, and fear. Fear from Jackson returning and doing it again and again, over and over again.
The fear of how she looked to the officer, when she was in his arms.. and then the fear about what to do, does this brother know what happen, how much did the officer tell him.
To expland on it.
Riftkin
just some thougths.
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Like was said before the story seems rushed a bit. Like I said in the first piece adding more thoughts, more feelings, more detail, would flesh it out and draw the reader in even more. Since you are switching characters a flashback to the officer and why he sent the letter, or how....maybe haave her imagining what working there would be like, or worrying that the brother would hurt her. Whatever those are just some ideas, you don't have to take them, just offering.
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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Hi again
I like where the story is going. But I sense a little desperation in taking this tory forward- what I mean is, everything is moving a bit fast.
'Nessa stared at the letter, not knowing what to make of it. The officer that had held her the night of her rape had mailed her a letter telling her about his brother, Tanner Sorvino.'-For eg, a lil explanation into why exactly stare at it- reasons, feelings- what I mean is more detail.
Its a great 2nd chap, but a little detailing will (acc to me) further better the quality of the story.
Peace
Kunji. -
No she's the same age in both parts of the story. Thanks for sticking with my story instead of giving up on it after the first chapter, lol. There should be more soon. Much love to you and yours,
Nicole
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I'll be honest...I read the first part of this story and thought it was going to be just another cliche sexual abuse story. But then I read this second part and now I'm not so sure...you could do a lot of really good things with the new set up. I'm interested to see where you go from here. The only question I have is this: in the first part, I was under the impression that Vanessa was much younger than 22, like maybe 10 or so. Was this just my own inference, or is there a time jump here somewhere? And I'm glad to hear that you've never been raped
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Your truly have a calling for story write..but not me. I can write but not like this. I can see this in paperback... on the shelf at every bookstore around...a best seller!!
Thanks for sharing this.
Tammy
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Awsome
A very well written story. You write so well. I just want to read more. I look foward to your next chapter. Keep on writting
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