Those Precious Moments

The most ordinary things in life, that people take for granted, are the happiest things. The moments that make you laugh are the ones worth saving. The people that you share them with are the ones that make them worth living. 1

Footloose blared on my ipod as the alarm; it was eight in the morning. Dancing, I went to the dresser. Today was going to be an awesome day; I could feel it. 2

I looked out my window in our country house to get a feel of the day. It was gorgeous. The birds were chirping in the tree outside my room and the sky was a beautiful light blue, clear and sunny. A breeze moved the grass to look like green waves of water and the leaves shook, making their amazing music. 3

“Perfect day for a ride.” I breathed in the earthy fragrance. 4

Running from my room in my riding clothes, I got on the phone and called Kayla, my best friend. An hour later we were both at the beginning of the trail, she had a death grip around my lungs. 5

“I can’t breathe Kayla,” I laughed. 6

“I don’t wanna do this Tori,” she said. 7

“It’s just a horse. You’ll love it!” I said then got Bow, my horse, moving. Starting out with a trot, we bounced up and down a little as we rode bare-back on the slightly muddy trail. She loosened her grip, slightly, as I forced her hands down away from my lungs. Enjoying the scenery, we rode that way for a while, nice and slow, the horse moving up the trail at a steady beat. The noises of the trees and wildlife around us were calming her down more and more. I smiled, I wanted her to feel calm. She needed to get over her fear of horses. 8

Following the trail as it turned left, I looked ahead and grinned. A few yards away was a felled log. Kayla hadn’t noticed it yet but I already had my mind made up, I could not miss this chance.9

“Ready to get over your fear of horses?” I asked excitedly. 10

“I thought I was already doing that. Why do you have that ‘I’m up to something’ tone?” She looked around my shoulder, her blue eyes grew wide as she saw the log. “Do not do that! Go around it!” 11

“I can’t! The only thing we can do is jump it!” I told her, giving Bow the motion to speed up. He started cantering toward the log then broke out into a gallop. He knew what we were doing and he was just as excited. 12

“No, Tori!” she screeched and replaced the death grip back around my lungs. 13

“When we go into the air, lean forward just a tiny bit, hold on, and have fun!” I laughed. 14

The horse jumped and I got the exhilaration of being in the air, then with a thud we landed. The momentum made us smack our heads together. It hurt like if I’d just taken a baseball bat to the back of my head. 15

Quickly, I turned around to see how she was. “Are you okay?” 16

“Yeah I’m- what are you doing?” Kayla was starting to panic and confusion was clear on my face from it. 17

“Um…asking if you’re okay?” I answered. 18

“You’re not driving the horse!! Turn around! Turn around! We’re going to crash!” she screamed. I knew she was healthy but she looked like she was going to have a heart attack. Laughing, I just looked at her. 19

“Kayla, we’re not going to crash,” I said. 20

“Yes we are! We’re going to run into a tree!” she panicked. 21

“Live creatures don’t run into trees. This isn’t a car, it’s a horse. They have real reaction time,” I laughed. 22

“It can still crash! Just turn around!” she yelled. 23

Rolling my eyes, I took Bow’s mane and slowed him back down to a trot. “Better?” I asked. 24

“Yes. Much better, thank you,” she sighed. 25

“You have to admit it was fun though, right?” I asked with a huge grin on my face.26

I heard her giggle. “Yeah…that was pretty awesome. Did you see it?! We were flying!” 27

All I could do was laugh at her again. “Life is too short to be scared of an adventure!”28

We got back to the house around two and the heat was pulsing in the air. Our hunger fully taking hold, I laughed as Kayla’s stomach growled when we were putting Bow away. It had turned out to be a beautiful morning. 29

“Do you have any food here?” she asked. 30

“No…I’m in the mood for McDonalds though…You want to drive?” I smirked as her face lit up. Kayla had just gotten her license a little over a month ago. Now all she wanted to do was drive anywhere she could. 31

“Yes! Let’s go!” Running to her car Kayla almost tripped and I chased after her. 32

Ordering our food fifteen minutes later, we carried it to our favorite table by the window. Our usual McDonalds food was sitting on our tray. I got a Big Mac meal and she got her McChicken sandwich thing. 33

“Hey what do you think is the brightest color?” I asked looking out the window. 34

“Random much,” she laughed. “I’d say yellow.” 35

“Really? I was thinking lime green…” I said. 36

“Why? Yellow is the sun’s color. So it has to be the brightest.” 37

“Yeah but your shirt is lime green and very distracting.” Taking another bite, I tried not to laugh. She looked down at her shirt then at her yellow sandwich wrapper. Putting them side by side she looked at both of them, thinking and deciding. She looked at me with a gleam in her eye. I stopped chewing, it was her mischief look. 38

“Is it distracting now!” Practically jumping across the table, she shoved the yellow wrapper closer to me. It stopped about six inches from my face and suddenly I felt something wet hit my left arm. We both looked down to find that lettuce covered in mayo had flung itself a little above my elbow. Looking back up at each other, we began laughing so hard that we couldn’t breath. 39

Streaming down my face were happy tears, I was sure I was turning purple. Barely able to see through my joyous laughter, I caught Kayla falling out of her chair she was laughing so hard. That only just made it worse and by the time we stopped, ten minutes later, my side hurt and I couldn’t breathe. 40

Taking a deep breath, Kayla climbed back into her chair. She started eating again. 41

“Now that was one of the best moments ever,” She giggled. Her face flushed a bright red. 42

I nodded. “That was what life is for.” 43

Kayla chuckled. “We’re so awesome.” 44

“We totally are. I love you, Kayla,” I grinned. 45

“I love you too, Tori. My bonkers sister,” she laughed. 46

“Bonkers sisters till the end!” 47

High-fiving, we calmed down from our weird high, that we always got when together and finished eating in peace. Throwing away our trash on the way out the door I did my trash throwing out dance. She started laughing again and I waved as an old couple stared at us. Rolling her eyes, Kayla grabbed my arm and dragged me to the car. 48

Just as I got into the passenger seat of her purple Bug, Kayla started the car. The radio came on and we took off from McDonalds. 49

“Where are we going now?” she asked. 50

“The moon,” I smiled. 51

“I didn’t know my car was a spaceship,” she gaped. 52

I ended up laughing again. “How about we go to your house,” I suggested. “I mean it’s only three thirty. I wouldn’t mind spending the rest of the day at your place.” 53

“He’s not home you know,” she said. 54

“Who?” I asked innocently.55

“Santa Claus! No, my brother, Zack,” she said, “Not till four.” 56

“Who said I wanted to see him?” 57

“Nobody. I can just read your mind,” she said watching the road. 58

I gasped. “When did you get a super power?!” 59

“Tuesday.” 60

“Hmmm interesting,” I contemplated. “I have a super power too.” 61

“Oh?” she said. 62

“Yes,” I looked at her with a straight face. “I can talk to squirrels.” 63

She about ran us off the road. Stopping on the shoulder she leaned her head against the steering wheel, laughing for a moment. When she finished she pointed a finger at me. 64

“Don’t do that while I’m driving,” she ordered with a smirk. 65

“Okie dokie boss.” 66

“You’re such a dork,” she said. “And now it’s going to be four till we get home. You did that on purpose.” 67

“Yes, I purposely, almost made you crash, just so I can have your brother make fun of me today.” I rolled my eyes. I liked her brother but he only thought of me as another sister. I was okay living with that. Friendship lasts longer than relationship. 68

“True, crazy chick. He does love to annoy you.” she nodded agreement and then we were on our way home again. 69

We got to her house at four fifteen. It was on the outskirts of the village we lived by. Her yard was huge and her house was a two story one with a tan paint job. The huge backyard had a shed, swing set and twenty rabbit pens. Next to her house, the yard stretched out to just a huge empty space next to a bean field. We normally played volleyball there. 70

Walking inside she threw her keys down and shouted out. “I’m home! Tori is here too!” There was no response so we went through the living room and down the long L shaped hallway. We went past the guestroom, her brothers room, and the bathroom heading to her room. 71

Stopping by the bathroom, I thought I heard something. 72

“Listen,” I whispered. 73

Stoping as well Kayla and I both listened. Her brother was in the shower…singing to his radio. Motioning for me to follow, she went to her room. We could still hear him through the wall. 74

“Oh my gosh!” I laughed. “Your brother is insane.” 75

“Yes, and I have an idea. Follow me. Be ready to run.” 76

Tip-toeing back to the bathroom, Kayla creaked open the door a bit. I stayed by her bedroom door, not going anywhere near that bathroom. Walking in without him knowing, she paused his music, then ran back to where I was. 77

“What the hey! Kayla!!” 78

“Yes?” Dragging out the word she held back laughter. I had my hand over my mouth. 79

“Turn it back on,” he chuckled. 80

“Alrighty.” Walking into the bathroom again, she turned it back on. This time before she left, she flushed the toilet. 81

“Cold!” He yelled, chuckling. 82

Running for our lives back to her room, I collapsed on her bed. We heard him yell through the wall. 83

“Now it’s hot!” He shouted. 84

Kayla was laughing so hard she slid off her bed. The water turned off a minute later, her face froze and she ran to the door. It was too late. He stood in her room, his brown hair dripping wet and only a pair of shorts on. I kind of couldn’t help but stare. The dude was built. 85

The music still went on in the bathroom with a song I didn’t even know. 86

“Get out Zack,” she smiled. “We’re trying to have fun.” 87

“By picking on me?” 88

“Always,” she grinned. I tried to hide a smile and laugh. “By the way bro, you have like no chest hair.” 89

“I know. I pluck them,” he stated. 90

“You what?!” we chorused. 91

“I don’t like it when I just have one and its going ‘doink,'” he said, looking at his chest. 92

We couldn’t help but laugh at that. I mean really, he plucks his chest because he hates just having one. That is so weird. 93

Trying to kick him out Kayla laughed. “Okay time for you to go.” He struggled but she was a fairly strong girl, and pushed out. Swiftly she locked the door. 94

“Let me back in or I’ll tear down your Jonas Brothers poster on the door.” 95

Gasping she opened it up and glared. “Do not.”96

Repeating that half a million times we all knew he really would tear them down, so we kept opening the door. I just stood by watching, until eventually he was body slamming the door. Banging against it Zack was saying, “Come on! Let me in! Barry White wants in!” Then he would continue singing the Barry White song that was playing. 97

Doubling over with laughter, we both leaned back on the door keeping him out. She couldn’t get the door locked again, because we were being bounced around, trying hard to keep the door closed.98

Flying from my post, as he made it half-way in, I couldn’t stop laughing. Kayla was squishing him between the door and the frame. He struggled more just to get in and she continued pushing him out and trying to close the door at the same time. Managing to actually accomplish that, she scraped his elbow against the frame as she pushed him completely out. 99

“That one looked like it hurt,” I laughed. 100

Curiously, she opened the door and we saw him standing there. Looking up at us he said, “Ow.” 101

Ambling back to the bathroom, he left to get dressed. 102

This had to be one of the best days of my life. The joy was just like an electric charge all over the place. We couldn’t shake it, and we didn’t want to. 103

“You know, I think the only reason he wants in here is because he missed me,” I teased. 104

From the bathroom we heard him shouting, “NO! NO! NO!” Kayla looked at me and cracked up laughing. 105

“He doesn’t even hear me and still he goes 'no!'” I laughed. 106

Coming back a couple minutes later, he found us standing in the door frame talking about absolutely nothing. We both looked at him, wondering what he was going to do. 107

“You guys want to play rock band?” he asked. 108

Glancing at each other we smiled. “I get drums!” Kayla called. We walked back down the hall, to the living room, and played rock band for about five hours. Stopping, when we finally got bored, Kayla and I walked out onto her back patio. Barefoot, we made our way to the open yard. The sun was setting behind us and a light breeze played with the bean field, making it look like an ocean in the coming darkness. 109

“Today has to be one of the best days of my life,” I sighed. Standing there, we enjoyed the feel of the wind on our skin and the noises it made with nature. The cicadas came out to give us some music, we smiled. 110

“I agree. It really was. Today was a day to live for,” she nodded, smiling. 111

Looking across the field I saw something blink. I scrunched up my face trying to figure out what it was. Another blink went off somewhere else in the field then one appeared in front of my face. 112

FIREFLIES!!! 113

As it got darker, they started blinking their little lights all over the field, lighting it up like an ocean of sparkles. I gawked in amazement at the miracle that nature threw at us. Mouth open, Kayla let out a giggle of shock. It had to be the most beautiful thing we had ever seen. There were stars out in the sky above us and on the ground in front of us it looked like a mirror image. Standing there we stared for the longest moment. I knew I would never forget that for the rest of my life. 114

Starting to catch a couple of them, Kayla giggled and pranced around. Smiling, I joined her and we danced and laughed, catching fireflies till I had to go home. 115

On the walk back to my house, I looked back on the day, cherishing each phenomenal moment. It's days like these that you go home knowing that life is amazing and special. Each moment is its own and each scene is one of a kind. Each day I am grateful for, especially these ones. Life is full of precious moments; you just have to know where to look for them. 116

Author notes

I hope this makes you happy.

A contest entry

How would you suggest I trim this down to 2000 words?

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 10 of 10
  • Still lovin it. ! Go EM GO! xD I almost said mo. xD Which is my friend's name. Haha. xD


  • Valkyrie silver member
    July 9

    Edit | Reply
    I'll refrain from a nice long comment, as I see others have given you excellent advice below. Don't you just love this group?

    I think one simple (if not exactly quick) way to shorten this up is to take out the unnecessary repetitions. I think Geri or Lawrie or both already mentioned that as a tool you may use. Basically, in a story, once you've said something once, you don't really need to say it again in different words. Especially when you're trying to get under a word limit.

    This was a great feel-good story. I was so happy reading it! I've had days like this, and that bubbly joy is so special! It came back to me while I read your story. This is a great picture of happiness; good luck in the contest!

    • Kismet Krazy silver member
      July 10
      Edit | Reply
      Haha yea I love this group.
      Thanks for the help.
      and thank you! I'm glad it made you feel happy and bring back good memories. and thank you again. I hope I do well too. I'm very very glad you enjoyed my story.

  • Good Morning Emily, I always enjoy your stories of young people, and this is no exception .

    The light-heartedness of the teen relationships, the humor, and the caring, flows through the plot.

    The dialogue sounds legit .

    Looks like you have two very extensive edits/critique here . So I’m going to keep this to a comment and a few suggestions for cutting the wordage. Since they are in my humble opinion ‘use ‘em or loose ‘em’ .

    Of course trim the fluff. When you read through slowly, you will discover a lot of adverbs and adjectives taking up space and multiplying your word count (we all do this ).

    Start your story here, which is a terrific opening and does away with 75 words: I looked out my window in our country house to get a feel of the day. It was gorgeous. The birds were chirping in the tree outside my room and the sky was a beautiful light blue, clear and sunny. A breeze moved the grass to look like green waves of water and the leaves shook, making, making their amazing music. (cut out a few things that are duplicates like;3 It was gorgeous. To look)

    If you cut you come up with: I looked out my window in our country house to get a feel of the day. The birds were chirping in the trees and the clear sky was a beautiful light blue. A breeze moved the grass like green waves of water and the leaves shook, making their amazing music.

    When you have edited the rest, end your story here with a few cuts so it looks something like this: As it got darker, they started blinking, lighting up the field with an ocean of sparkles. I gawked in amazement at the miracle that nature threw at us. Mouth open, Kayla let out a giggle. It had to be the most beautiful thing we had ever seen. There were stars out in the sky above us and on the ground it looked like a mirror image. Standing there we stared and I knew I would never forget that for the rest of my life. 114

    While the other words are lovely, they are only repeating what you say so nicely here—and cost you another 100 words.

    Best of luck with your 4H project.

    Geri

    • Kismet Krazy silver member
      July 10
      Edit | Reply
      thank you. I'm very glad you enjoyed my story. and that the dialogue sounded real to you.

      THANK YOU so much for helping me shorten this. When I finish doing it on the computer I will put it up here. But i like the longer version better so I'm not gonna mess with it on storywrite. But thank you so much. This means a lot to me. You hit the points that I was having real issues with.

      and Thanks! I hope i do well too.


  • tonialoise
    July 5

    Edit | Reply
    This is a fun and witty story reminding me of my teenage days.

    Here's the list of things I noticed, nothing here that hurts your story I think, though looks like Lawrie beat me to most of them.

    p2 "Footloose blared on" when using the name of a song/movie/book it's standard to italicize the word/phrase. I recently learned free members can do that using the i and /i in <>.

    "Today was going to be an awesome day, I could feel it." This is a comma splice (two independent clauses that are combined without a conjunction, and is sometimes considered incorrect) A semicolon would be more appropriate there.

    p3 "country house, to get a feel" This comma seems unnecessary and breaks up the sentence strangely.

    "A breeze moved the grass to look like green waves of water and the leaves shook, making their amazing music." I like this

    p5 "trail and she had a death" I believe there needs to be a comma before "and" I'm not that great with commas though so you might want to double check it. I saw the same thing in a couple other places as well

    p7 "this Tori,” She said." "she" should be lowercase as it's technically in the middle of the sentence.

    p11 "blue eyes got wide" the wording here sounds a bit rough. You might want to try "became" or "grew" instead of "got."

    p13 "Tori!” She screeched" same thing as p7 "she" should be lowercase. I'll let you find the rest of them Seems like you got some though.

    p42 "Her face was flushed a bright red." I noticed a little bit of passive sentences (mostly the use of was or had) but nothing that really got in the way. This one, however, I think could would do better without the "was." Usually just removing words like was/had and maybe changing the form of the verb works really well in making an active sentence.

    p48 "I did my trash throwing out dance." I remember doing that when I was younger Ahh... memories.

    p49 "just as I got" oops, need to capitalize "Just."

    p68 "but all he ever thought of me was another sister." The wording here is off. Simplest way I think to fix it is to add "as" after "was." However, you might want to think about rewording it completely. Something like, "but the only way he thought of me was as another sister."

    p69 what exactly is she agreeing to here? The statement about purposely driving off the road, or that her brother makes fun of her, or the unspoken thing about the friendship? It's not really clear.

    p72 "bathroom I thought I'd heard something." there should be a comma after "bathroom" to separate the main clause. Also this is another place where I think if you removed the "had" or in this case "'d" it would sound more active.

    p76 "Yes and I have an idea, follow me." There should be a comma after "Yes." Also this is another comma splice and "follow me" probably should be a separate sentence.

    p82 "“Cold!” He yelled, laughing." laughter was the last thing I was expecting there. I'm used to siblings getting upset when things like that are done.

    p92 "‘doink’,” he said, looking " the comma should be inside the single quote as well. (It's debatable based on what country you're in though). Also the comma after "said" is out of place.

    p94 "out kayla laughed." Kayla should be capitalized.

    "strong girl and got him pushed out." Probably should have a comma after "girl." I know I'm picking on "got" but this really would sound better if it was just "and she pushed him out" or "and she managed to push him out."

    p97 "barry White" oh no, you must capitalize Barry!

    p98 "we were both leaning back" another passive that might benefit from a slight change. As I mentioned before change the tense of the verb and remove the form of was; "we both leaned back."

    "again, we were being bounced around" another splice. This time if you add "because" it might work better. "again because we were being" I also think you could make "were being" more active, but you'd have to rewrite the entire sentence.

    p99 "as he made his way half way in" "way half way" sounds weird. "half-way" should have a dash. You might also want to try "as he made it half-way in."

    p101 "Curiously she opened" there should be a comma after "curiously."

    p103 "shake it and we didn’t" I believe a comma is needed here too before "and."

    p106 "he goes no!" I think "no!" should be in single quotes since you're quoting Zack.

    p110 "music and we smiled." a comma before and is probably needed.

    As for trimming it down... There's some stuff, especially around the McDonald's incident that you could probably cut out, some of the exposition and whatnot. Everything about what you ordered was somewhat extra. Mostly you're already pretty efficient with your descriptions so you can't cut out extra fluff there. If you want to really cut it down one or two of the moments fighting with Zack or other minor incidents could be cut without hurting it too much.

    While I don't see a full story here, as there's no antagonist (well Zack is but only for a bit) hmmm... or of I look a bit deeper I guess I could say boredom was your antagonist , it is what you advertised "precious moments." This is the stuff that makes life great! Very few people stop and capture these moments.

    It's a very nice happy story, thanks for entering and giving me a few good laughs.


    • I'm very glad this gave you a few laughs. And thank you for such an
      in-depth review of my story. It means a lot and it helped even more. I shall get right onto fixing the problems. Also thank you for giving me ideas on how to trim down my story. I'll look that over tonight as well and see what I can cut out.
      This really means a lot to me. And I'm glad you put up that contest. It was fun to do and I love making people happy. So I really hope my story and the others brightened your day.


  • Lawrie gold member
    July 4

    Edit | Reply
    What a wonderful story!

    This has a great "feel-good" factor running throughout and was a joy to read. The two main characters are shown to be fun-loving and "enjoying the moment".

    I have some editing suggestions for you to consider and also some ideas of how to trim it down to 2000 words or thereabouts. I think the best way to do this will be to go through it para by para:

    p1 - This could be reduced if written something like:

    The most ordinary things in life are the happiest. The moments that make you laugh are those worth saving. The people you share them with are those that make them worth living.

    p2 - 2nd and 3rd sentences: How about something such as:

    Dancing, I went to the dresser. Today was going to be awesome, I could feel it.

    p3 - The birds were chirping in the tree right outside my room - delete "right" (not necessary)

    p4 - "Perfect day for a ride," - is this a thought or being spoken out loud? If it's a thought it should be placed in single quotes. Either way, the comma after ride should be replaced with a period.

    p5 - A bit long-winded. May I suggest a re-write along the following lines:

    Running from my room in my riding clothes, I got on the phone to Kayla, my best friend. An hour later we were seated on my horse. Kayla had a death grip around my waist.

    p8 - She loosened her grip on my waist, a tiny bit, as I forced her hands down away from my lungs. - delete "a tiny bit" and insert "slightly".

    I smiled at that - delete "at that"

    I forced her hands down away from my lungs - I thought her hands were around the waist? (para 5)

    p9 - Delete "a grin spread across my face" and insert "grinned"

    Delete "over the trail" (not required)

    p11 - Insert a comma after "shoulder"

    Delete "and finally"

    Delete "got" and insert "growing"

    p15 - Delete "of our land"

    p19 - Delete "How does a horse crash?" - Not required. It's a superflous question as it's not actually being spoken or ased of anyone.

    p24 - Delete "By now we were almost home"

    p32 - kayla should be Kayla

    p56 - Delete "Isn't home yet"

    p74 - kayla should be Kayla

    p94 - kayla should be Kayla

    p97 - barry should be Barry

    I hope that helps. None of the above is meant as a criticism. I'm only trying to find ways for you to cut down the number of words

    I really enjoyed reading this story with its "feel-good" factor.

    • Thank you! I'm very glad you enjoyed it and you have no idea what it means to me that you took time out of your day to help me trim it down. It means a lot. I'm also very glad it gave you a happy "feel good" feeling. That is what it was intended to read. But thanks a BILLION for going through this and helping me. I shall get right onto fixing it.

  • Yayyy! FIREFLIES!!!! Whoo, great job woot go Emily! I like this so much! Good luck in the contest!

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