I felt the wind in my face as we rode down the nearly deserted streets that twisted and turned, leading me to my summer. It was my first day of summer vacation and also my fourteenth birthday. My window was rolled down and my book was opened in my lap, my new purple i-pod was playing my favorite song and I was wondering if my life could get any better. 1
I was on my way to Sea Isle City, a small island that my grandparents owned a house on, and I was going to stay there the whole summer. That meant I had no parents to nag me and my brother and sister were at home, probably bothering each other instead of me. The only flaw of my long vacation in paradise was that I wouldn't see my friends very often. 2
Tina and Maria are sisters, Tina is 13 and Maria is 14, they're also two of my best friends in the world. They, conveniently, have a shore house on the other side of Sea Isle and they come down for the whole month of August, I'm also hoping that Sarah and Gabrielle will be able to come down and visit sometimes. 3
At that moment something interrupted my thoughts, the smell of the salty bay water was all it took to signal that we had arrived at Sea Isle City. 4
We pulled into the drive way and I got out of the car, listening to the sounds of seagulls chattering from above. It was a bright sunny day and the orange sun contrasted with the blue sky perfectly making everything seem to glow. There was one other thing that was so great about this; I was guaranteed to have money! I got a job at a restaurant right next to the bay I started tomorrow. I had a great feeling that this summer would be amazing! 5
"Come on in, Natalie!" my grandmother called as she was walking into the house. "I'll show you your room!" 6
"Okay." I agreed although I did want to hop on my bike and explore the island. 7
It was a big house, there were three stories, and it had five bedrooms, three bathrooms, three decks, a kitchen, and a living room. It was also only three blocks down from the beach. My room was the only one on the middle floor. It was pretty big, had a walk- in closet, a queen sized bed, a dresser, a T.V, a bookshelf, and a deck attached to the side. It was perfect. 8
"Grandma, I'm gonna go ride around on my bike to, ya know, get to know the island." I told my grandmother just before leaving on my bike. I rode up the street and into the sunset, smiling to myself.
Comments
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Oh woww.
this is amazing.
dang, your a really good writer. lol.
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A few suggestions...
P3 'Tina and Maria are sisters(.) Tina is 13...'
'...month of August(.) I'm also hoping...'
Who are Sarah and Gabrielle? This needs to be known so your readers do not get confused later.
P4 Good use of smell
P5, L1 cut the comma after car.
'...to the bay(.) I started tomorrow.'
P7 'I agreed(.) although I did...'
P8 '...house(. T)here were three...'
This was a great start to what feels like an exciting summer. Great job on this and I do hope you continue it.
Brooke



