Since so much of my writing takes place in the same universe, some things have spoilers for some other things. This film contains spoilers for my novel BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY, half of which is up here already (and which I haven't even finished but I know the end of). If you don't want to know what happens in the end, don't read the long monologue in the middle of it given by Rain (the central character of the novel). If you don't care one way or the other, read it; it'll intrigue you, and then you'll go read the book. See my evil schemes at work. Enjoy!2
Dramatis Personae3
ANDROMEDA and JENILEA, lesbian lovers, 20s4
MADISON YOUNG ST. JAMIREZ, a madman inventor & artist, 20s5
KEVIN THOMPSON, Madison’s partner in crime, 20s6
YELLEK ELOCIN, an exotic violinist, early 30s7
ELIZA BARRYMORE, the director, 40s8
NICOLAS, CURFEW, and NED, stooge technicians, 30s9
SALLY, a waitress, late 20s10
RAIN, a delusional bum, late 30s11
LORELEI, a music store owner, 60s12
PAUL, a druggie, 20s13
JACOB NEWMAN, an aging bohemian, 50s14
A MAN IN A SQUIRREL SUIT15
A DOCTOR and a NURSE16
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EXT. HOUSE-DAY18
(The movie begins in JENILEA’s front yard. The only thing resembling opening credits is the first shot: a close-up on ANDROMEDA’s shirt, which reads ‘It’s All About Me.’ She is about to lift it up for her friend MADISON YOUNG ST. JAMIREZ, because he will buy her breakfast in return.)19
ANDROMEDA (OS): You know, you should buy me food the whole fucking day for this.20
MADISON (OS): OK, fuck that, Andromeda. First of all, I’ve seen it before, and second, I’m fucking broke, so don’t push it.21
(Jenilea just giggles.)22
MADISON (OS): What is funny?23
JENILEA (OS, giggling): My new girlfriend’s such a whore.24
ANDROMEDA (OS): Shut up, Jeni.25
MADISON (OS): Come on, Anj, I’m fucking hungry. Let’s go.26
ANDROMEDA (OS): All right.27
(She begins to lift up her shirt; we see perhaps the quickest glimpse of the bottoms of her breasts as we CUT away to a shot of Andromeda’s back to the camera, Madison’s smiling face, and Jenilea lounging in the background. Andromeda pulls her shirt back down and bows. The other two applaud.)28
MADISON (wiping fake tears away): That was beautiful.29
JENILEA: They’re all mine now, muahaha!30
(She jumps towards Andromeda and hugs her tight.)31
MADISON: Actually, I don’t think we’ve been properly introduced, have we?32
JENILEA: No, we haven’t.33
MADISON (British accent): Very well. I am Madison Rutherford, Duke of York.34
JENILEA (shaking his hand): Jenilea Maximillian.35
MADISON: Maxiwhooziwhatsis?36
ANDROMEDA: I thought you were the Duke of Kent.37
MADISON (British accent, miffed): Kent? Kent? I must say in all honesty that I am above that unsightly position. Duke of York, madam.38
ANDROMEDA: You’re such a dork.39
JENILEA (just making sure): You’re not really a duke, are you?40
MADISON: No. (Beat.) Oh, man, that was such a Moulin Rouge! moment, I missed out, man.41
ANDROMEDA: Which is funny, because you don’t usually miss out on a chance to be a dork.42
MADISON: You. Down, girl. Boy. Whatever.43
ANDROMEDA: You are such a bitch!44
JENILEA: You have the weirdest friends, Andromeda.45
MADISON (British accent): Ah, but this is nothing! You have yet to meet Kevin McArthur, Earl of Sussex.46
ANDROMEDA: Oh, God. Is he going to be there?47
MADISON: For the show tonight, yes. For playing practical jokes on Yellek Elocin before the show, hopefully. I don’t know.48
ANDROMEDA: You’re not going to play practical jokes, are you?49
MADISON: You’ve known me for two years, Anj. Do you really have to ask that question?50
ANDROMEDA: Don’t, please. I’m already nervous as hell.51
JENILEA: Don’t be nervous. Yellek’s really nice.52
MADISON: This I don’t believe.53
JENILEA: Why not?54
MADISON: Gorgeous, talented, and nice? The only person with those three magical attributes is me, Jenilea.55
(Jenilea laughs.)56
ANDROMEDA: Why don’t you and Kevin go off and work on that New Jersey shit you were talking about yesterday.57
MADISON (cracking up): New Jersey! Fuckin’ New Jersey, man. It’s Jerzy Grotowski.58
JENILEA: What the hell is Jerzy Grotowski?59
MADISON: You don’t know who he is?60
JENILEA: Never heard of him.61
MADISON: He’s a fucking revolutionary, man! He’s nuts! He’s the Che Guavarra of the theatre!62
ANDROMEDA: Who’s Che Guavarra?63
(Madison tackle-hugs her.)64
MADISON: That’s why I fucking love you, girl! You’re fucking out-of-this-world, you’re the craziest bitch I’ve ever met. Don’t know who Che Guavarra is.65
ANDROMEDA: I’ve missed you too, Madison. But seriously. Who is Che Guavarra?66
JENILEA: You seriously don’t know?67
ANDROMEDA: You stay out of this.68
MADISON: He’s a crazy Jamaican revolutionary, he’s all power to the people and shit. He helped get Fidel Castro into power.69
ANDROMEDA: Well, that wasn’t very nice of him.70
JENILEA: What does he have to do with this Jerzy guy?71
MADISON: Nothing except that they’re both revolutionaries. Jerzy Grotowski is a theatre genius who talks about the Poor Theatre, which is a theatre without props and lights and sets and things. He’s got all these mad ideas.72
JENILEA: Interesting.73
ANDROMEDA: Let’s go, man. I want my breakfast.74
MADISON: Cheerio.75
(They walk out of shot.)76
INT. CAR-DAY77
(Madison’s car. ‘Love Minus Zero/No Limit’ by Bob Dylan is playing on the radio/CD-playing thing. Madison is driving; Jenilea and Andromeda are making out in the back seat.)78
MADISON (singing along, with much gusto and little talent): Without ideals or violence! She doesn’t have to say she’s faithful, yeah, but she’s true! like ice! like fire! Bum-bum-bum-ba-dum-bum, people carry roses! Oh yeah! Make promises by the hours! My love, oh baby she laughs like them flowers. I said that valentines, they cannot buy her!79
JENILEA: Shut him up.80
ANDROMEDA: Hey, Madison!81
MADISON (turning off the radio): Oi?82
ANDROMEDA: I like cheese.83
(Pause.)84
MADISON: OK.85
ANDROMEDA: Cheese is very good.86
MADISON: I don’t like it.87
JENILEA: I like it.88
MADISON: You’re pussy-whipped, Jeni. Can lesbians even be pussy-whipped?89
ANDROMEDA: Hey, Madison, you and Kevin should make a film about cheese.90
(Madison cracks up. Jenilea looks at her.)91
JENILEA: Cheese?92
ANDROMEDA: Yeah, cheese.93
JENILEA: You’re an odd duck, Anj.94
ANDROMEDA: I’m serious, though.95
MADISON: Cheese is good.96
ANDROMEDA: But you just said you—97
MADISON: I like parmesan cheese.98
ANDROMEDA: I like hugs.99
MADISON (as Jenilea hugs her): You’re always changing the subject.100
ANDROMEDA: But I really do think that’d be pretty nuts, if you two made a movie about cheese. I mean, hell, it’s not like it’s the craziest idea you’ve ever worked with.101
MADISON: Not quite as crazy as trying to have sex with a map of Uzbekistan, no.102
ANDROMEDA (having not heard him): But how would one do that, though? I mean, would you interview cheese? I guess you could. But how would you do that, exactly? Like, what you ought to do, to achieve that sense of academic impartiality, you should interview every single different type of cheese, and see what they have to say. But that’s impossible, so would you just do like a few types, like say cheddar and gouda and camembert, for example, and maybe goat cheese—I like goat cheese—and use that as a representative sample?103
MADISON: You’re a fucking madman, Andromeda.104
JENILEA: What would you interview them about?105
ANDROMEDA: That’s not the point. You tell me, Madison. What would you do?106
MADISON: Well, if it were me, if I were indulging in this cheesetacular bonanza hullabaloo here of yours. If it were me, I think I’d try to get all the types, and interview them all. Get their points of view.107
ANDROMEDA: But Madison, we’re talking about a major undertaking here. I mean, do you even know how many types of cheese exist? There’s gotta be thousands. There are whole countries full of lunatics who eat cheese all day. France is one. And even they never finish all the types. There’s a whole fucking empire of cheese out there, Madison, and you and I could never reach the core.108
JENILEA: I could help.109
MADISON: Kevin could too, you know. We could invade France or something. Four people can conquer France, right?110
ANDROMEDA: Yeah, but still, it’s a daunting task. And even if we knew how many types of cheese there were, how many could we actually interview for this film?111
MADISON: That’s an excellent question.112
ANDROMEDA: And therefore, I think we should just choose a few cheeses, through a selective selection process, and interview those.113
MADISON: Right.114
(He cracks up laughing after a beat.)115
ANDROMEDA: What is funny?116
MADISON: In the name of Beelzebub, Andromeda, you’re talking about interviewing cheese!117
ANDROMEDA: So are you.118
MADISON: You started it.119
ANDROMEDA: I know, but just listen. You could make a film about cheese. Or—wait for it—you could make a film about me.120
MADISON (muttering): Because that’d be pretty cheesy, wouldn’t it.121
ANDROMEDA (with much mystery): Or, you could make a play about me, and then turn that into a film, like adapt it for the screen. And you could include this conversation about cheese.122
MADISON: I suppose I could.123
ANDROMEDA: Except then, wait a minute Madison, then who would play me?124
MADISON: I think you should play you. Makes sense. You’ve done your research for the part already.125
ANDROMEDA: But where’s the challenge in that? I would be bored stiff. And it wouldn’t be an exciting new artist’s portrayal of my complex character. So that begs the question, Madison, who would you get to play me? And who would I play?126
MADISON: You could play the cheese.127
(Jenilea, who has been alternately trying to seduce Andromeda and trying to sleep, laughs at this.)128
ANDROMEDA: Now, don’t be silly! The cheese is a non-speaking role. That is, if it’s a movie about me. And if it’s a movie about cheese, then obviously the cheese has to play itself. So. Here’s what we’ll do. I should play you. And you should play me. (Pause.) And Kevin Thompson can play himself.129
JENILEA: Fucking lunatics, all of you.130
(The car drives into a parking space, and the camera pans up to show the building, with its big sign, Café Olé.)131
INT. CAFE-DAY132
(The Café Olé is a bustling madman establishment, one of the ‘hip’ centers of the city. There are tables everywhere with young people talking, laughing, and existing. There is a stage at one end, and posters & flyers taped up places, including some for the concert at the end. We move through much of the commotion—overhearing all sorts of strange things—and come upon our three favorite people, sitting at a four-person table.)133
ANDROMEDA: So is he coming or isn’t he?134
MADISON: I don’t know. I just wanted to save him a spot, in case he does show.135
JENILEA: This place is fucking incredible.136
MADISON: Your mom is fucking incredible.137
ANDROMEDA: I forgot, you’ve never been here before.138
MADISON: You’d better hope Sally doesn’t get our table.139
JENILEA: Who’s Sally?140
MADISON: A monkey.141
ANDROMEDA: Your mom’s a monkey! (Madison cracks up.) Hell yes, bitch, that was a bona fide burn on my part.142
MADISON: That was damn good, Anj.143
JENILEA: You guys are impossible.144
MADISON: We’re quick on the uptake is all. Hey, Anj, did you ever consider that quick sounds like dick, so quick on the uptake is dick on the uptake, which is taking a dick up your ass?145
ANDROMEDA: No, but I did consider taking up needlework and making a pair of trousers out of your ex-girlfriend Julia.146
MADISON (chuckling): You’re on a fucking roll, Anj! Three for three, come on, one more.147
JENILEA: Completely crazy.148
ANDROMEDA: Crazy like a fox!149
MADISON (jumping out of his chair): FUCK YES! I was gonna say that but I wanted to see if you would. Three for three in fucking spades, Andromeda! Have a lemon drop.150
(He takes a metal case out of his pocket and offers it to Andromeda. She takes one, puts it in her mouth, and immediately spits it out. Madison veritably hoots with laughter.)151
ANDROMEDA: Your lemon drops suck, Madison.152
MADISON: Don’t I know it! I bought them, I’m like this is the worst thing I’ve ever spent money on, then I realized I’d offer ‘em to people. Don’t tell Kevin, when he comes. If he comes.153
JENILEA: Madison wins.154
MADISON: Madison always wins.155
(Sally walks up to their table, carrying a tray with four glasses of water.)156
SALLY: Hello and welcome to the Café Olé. My name is Sally and I’ll be your server this morning. Have you all been here before?157
ANDROMEDA: Now, Sally, that’s a silly question, isn’t it.158
MADISON: I live here, man. This is Seinfeld’s apartment, and I’m Kramer, and I’m always here with my nose up your ass. Metaphorically speaking, of course.159
SALLY: Of course.160
JENILEA: I’ve never been here before.161
MADISON: Oh, you’ve done it now.162
SALLY: Oh, well, how fabulous! Welcome to the Café Olé. We are a fascinating institution, not to toot our collective Own Horn, founded in 1970-someodd by Pierre Pomplemousse, a Frenchman qui parlait français comme une vache éspagnole, which in layman’s terms means he spoke French like a Spanish cow, and thus we have our bilingual name. We started off as an everyday café, that is we only sold coffee in five hundred thirty-seven flavors, muffins, cookies, brownies, hot chocolate, chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate, and no chocolate, but then in 1997 we were bought out by a new man, Jacob Newman, actually. He really turned this place around. It faces east now. People get served at their tables. You’re about to get served too. I’ll have your orders ready in a minute, and then you can go out there and carry them out. The orders, that is. I’m sure there’s someone out there who wants them. If not, bring them back here and hang them by their sideburns. If they don’t have any sideburns, burn their sides first. We don’t burn our orders, we cook them just the way you want them. That’s an order. Now, do you like coffee? I love Kofi, I’m a staunch supporter of the U.N. For on trays we have two sizes, large and too big. You put as much on the tray as you want. We also have dessert, but you’ll have to be careful if you want to desert. Deserters will be shot on sight. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, I’ll be here all week.163
MADISON: Your spiel isn’t as funny as you think it is, Sally.164
SALLY: Your uncle works in a pig factory.165
(She looks at her watch, ready for his order.)166
MADISON: That’s as may be. (in the manner of an auctioneer): I’ll have eggs over-easy with a bottle of tequila and no lemonade put the salt and pepper in shakers and shake ‘em. Four twenty-four for maple syrup I think that’s ridiculous but give it to me anyway with three sticks of French toast and a grande latte extraordinaré with strawberry, whipped cream, and coconut shavings, no tequila and half a grapefruit with a cherry in the center lightly drizzled with pineapple juice.167
SALLY: Fourteen seconds flat! Got it. Are you gonna eat all that?168
MADISON: What I don’t eat goes to charity.169
SALLY: I bet they love you in Saskatchewan. Andromeda?170
ANDROMEDA: Bacon onstage with St. Elmo’s Fire and some lipstick, please. And a shot of dynamite.171
SALLY: Will do. And you?172
JENILEA: Just orange juice for me, thank you.173
SALLY: Small, large, or too big?174
JENILEA: Small, I guess.175
SALLY (setting the glasses down): There’s four places and three of you. What gives?176
MADISON: Kevin Thompson might be coming. But don’t wait, because he probably isn’t.177
SALLY: I see. Do you smoke?178
MADISON: Don’t say yes.179
JENILEA: Yes.180
(Sally dumps the fourth glass of water on Jenilea’s head and walks off. Madison and Andromeda shake their heads pityingly.)181
ANDROMEDA: But you don’t smoke, Jeni.182
JENILEA: He said not to, so I did. I can’t believe their customers put up with this.183
ANDROMEDA: It only happens once, anyway. This place is crazy. You’ll get used to it. You’ll have to, if you’re dating me.184
JENILEA: Is the food any good, or do you just come here for the atmosphere?185
ANDROMEDA: Food kicks ass. It’s pretty expensive, but it’s good.186
KEVIN (OS): O my droogs!187
(The camera cuts to a reveal shot of KEVIN THOMPSON, standing poised with his arms open in mock excitement. Then cut back to the table. Madison jumps up.)188
MADISON: It’s the madman himself! Kevin, you crazy orangoutang, get over here and gimme some of that sugary goodness!189
(Kevin enters the shot and gives Madison a big hug.)190
KEVIN: What the fuck are all you grahzny bratchnies doing in here at this odd even and dull watch of the morning? Hey, Andromeda. What’s going on?191
ANDROMEDA: Kevin, you dolt, it’s our big performance. Yellek Elocin.192
KEVIN: Oh, fuck me! That’s tonight? Crazy, man, crazy! Where’s Sally, I need some grub.193
(He raises his hand and whistles. Sally comes up to them.)194
KEVIN: Gimme the usual with St. Elmo’s.195
SALLY: Right.196
(She walks away.)197
KEVIN: So what’s the plot here? Refresh my memory as per Yellek Elocin.198
ANDROMEDA: She’s coming to town, Jeni here knows her—199
KEVIN (jumping up): Salaam and good evening! I knew something was missing. (British accent): How do you do, young lady. Kevin McArthur, Earl of Sussex.200
JENILEA: Jenilea Maximillian.201
KEVIN: That’s a mouthful.202
MADISON: That’s what I said.203
KEVIN: Hey, Madison, I want you to read this.204
(He pulls a folded up wad of paper out of his pocket and hands it to Madison, who unfolds it to reveal a few sheets stapled together.)205
MADISON (reading): The Saliva Sutra by Amber Miller. What the fuck is it?206
KEVIN: Philosophy and voodoo logic. Read it.207
MADISON: I’ll read it later. I tell you what, though. I’m worried about you and this Amber Miller. She’s been a constant subject of conversation. You’re not falling in love with her, are you?208
KEVIN: No way.209
MADISON: Good, because you know what happened to me.210
(They cock an eyebrow at each other.)211
JENILEA: What happened to him?212
MADISON: I was artistically and spiritually subdued. It was awful.213
KEVIN: I know that, Madison. We’re just buddies is all. I swear to you.214
MADISON: I salute you, O my brother. Have a lemon drop.215
KEVIN: Hurrah for citrus.216
(He gives him one, which is promptly spat out. Madison and Andromeda high-five.)217
MADISON: Score one for the revolution!218
ANDROMEDA: I honestly didn’t think you’d pull that off.219
KEVIN (wiping his mouth): Grahzny bratchnies, the lot of you.220
JENILEA: What? What’s a grahzny bratchny?221
KEVIN: Dirty bastard.222
JENILEA: In what, Swahili?223
KEVIN: Nadsat.224
MADISON: Motherfucker’s a Clockwork Orange dork like you wouldn’t believe.225
KEVIN: And you aren’t?226
JENILEA: You know, I never saw that. My friend said it made her sick.227
(There is a silence. The boys stare at Jenilea. Andromeda sighs.)228
ANDROMEDA: You’re gonna catch it hot now, my dear Jeni.229
MADISON: You never saw it.230
KEVIN: We say Clockwork Orange, you think of the movie. Shows the complete degeneration of modern society.231
MADISON: Please tell me you’ve read the book.232
JENILEA: There was a book?233
(Madison and Kevin go silently nuts, then calm down and look at each other.)234
MADISON: I think this means we’d better do a recitation.235
KEVIN: I think so.236
(They stand up, side-by-side, facing the two girls. The following recitation is fast, done perhaps with gestures but with no vocal silliness whatsoever.)237
MADISON: There was me.238
KEVIN: That is Alex.239
MADISON: And my three droogs.240
KEVIN: That is Pete, Georgie, and Dim.241
BOTH: Dim being really dim.242
MADISON: And we sat in the Korova Milkbar making up our rassodocks what to do with the evening, a flip dark chill winter bastard though dry.243
KEVIN: The Korova Milkbar was a milk-plus mesto, and you may, O my brothers, have forgotten what these mestos were like, things changing so skorry these days and everybody very quick to forget, newspapers not being read much either.244
BOTH: Well.245
MADISON: What they sold there was milk plus something else.246
KEVIN: They had no license selling liquor but there was no law yet against prodding some of the new veshches which they used to put into the old moloko, so you could peet it with vellocet—247
MADISON: Or synthemesc—248
KEVIN: Or drencom—249
MADISON: Or one or two other veshches which would give you a nice quiet horrorshow fifteen minutes admiring—250
BOTH (in a commanding tone, hands on hearts): Bog And All His Holy Angels And Saints!251
MADISON: In your left shoe with lights bursting all over your mozg.252
KEVIN: Or you could peet milk with knives in it, as we used to say, and this would sharpen you up and get you ready for a bit of dirty twenty-to-one.253
BOTH: And this is what we were peeting this evening I’m starting off this story with.254
(They bow and do a strange handshake-like gesture between the two of them.)255
ANDROMEDA: You two are insufferable. I’m going to the ladies’ room.256
(She leaves. Madison and Kevin sit down.)257
MADISON: You still haven’t explained your presence at this gathering of fine folks.258
KEVIN: Andromeda’s fine.259
MADISON: Yeah she is.260
KEVIN: You’re not.261
MADISON: Well, that’s life. What’s up?262
KEVIN: All right, I’ll lay it on you. (He gets boyishly excited.) I fucking freaked when this happened, man, I almost called you but you were getting laid.263
(Sally approaches with a tray of food. Madison gets his order; Andromeda receives several rashes of bacon, a small paper cup of catsup, a hot dog, and a small espresso cup; Jenilea gets her orange juice; and Kevin gets a latte and a huge cheeseburger and an equally huge container of fries and catsup. She also has a new glass of water for Kevin.)264
SALLY: Where’s Anj?265
MADISON: She fled the scene.266
SALLY: I see. You quit smoking?267
JENILEA: Definitely.268
SALLY: That’s good.269
(She leaves.)270
MADISON: So this happened yesterday at fifteen hundred hours?271
KEVIN: Pretty much exactly. You know that crazy Charles Manson-type guy who set fire to half the city last year?272
MADISON: Not personally. What about him?273
KEVIN: You know how all his followers lived in this concrete shelter out in the outskirts?274
MADISON: Yeah, you told me. A dozen times.275
KEVIN: Well, I figured they’d torn it down, but I was cruising the outskirts thinking about bullshit and I fucking found it, man! It’s fucking there, it’s full of graffiti but there’s absolutely no one there. Talk about a Poor Theatre!276
MADISON: You’re fucking shitting me! Fuck yes! Chapeau, O my droog, my hat is off to you! (He spears two sticks of French toast with his and Kevin’s forks and begins dancing them as per Benny & Joon.)277
JENILEA: You two.278
KEVIN: What, the two of us or the two of them?279
JENILEA (giggling): The two of you, you make me feel so inadequate.280
KEVIN: Hey, Madison, gimme one of those.281
(Madison begins to hand him one of the forks, but as Kevin is about to grab it he switches the two. He switches between the two ((a trick I learned from Jack Sparrow)) a few times, finally handing him one. Then, however, he grabs the piece of French toast from Kevin’s fork, puts it on his plate, and puts the piece from his fork on Kevin’s. Satisfied, he puts the fork down and takes a sip of coffee.)282
KEVIN: Why do we make you feel inadequate?283
JENILEA: Because of all that shit! You guys recite novels, you know all about some crazy guy’s place, you pull Johnny Depp sketches without batting an eye…it’s like eating dinner with the fucking Marx Brothers. I’m not in the same league as you two or Andromeda. I feel like an outcast.284
MADISON: What, because we’re such fucking losers?285
JENILEA: Yeah, but you’re the coolest people I’ve ever met and I want to be part of that and I feel like I can’t.286
MADISON: Oh, wow, Jeni, I’m sorry.287
KEVIN: Didn’t mean for that to happen at all.288
MADISON: You know what I think, is that Andromeda wouldn’t have brought you to the Café if she didn’t think you could be one of us.289
KEVIN: That’s definitely true.290
JENILEA: And even that, it’s like we come here, the waitress knows you all…Andromeda ordered in some kind of incomprehensible slang. St. Elmo’s Fire? What the fuck’s that? It’s a movie, innit?291
MADISON: Yeah, a shitty movie. But it’s catsup here.292
KEVIN: We don’t bother with menus, but if you look at the menu, it’s all in that slang. She’s got, let’s see, bacon, onstage I think, St. Elmo’s, lipstick, and a shot of dynamite. You just have to learn the lingo.293
MADISON: We’ll take you under our metaphorical wing.294
KEVIN: You could’ve said metaphysical for an extra zest.295
MADISON: Your mom’s metaphysical.296
JENILEA: I’m Metaphysical Jeni.297
KEVIN: Really?298
JENILEA: See for yourself. Four out of five owners said their cats prefer Jeni.299
(The two boys laugh and applaud.)300
MADISON: See? You’ve got it in spades! That was a class line, I’ll have to remember it.301
KEVIN: Make no mistake, my lesbian beauty, you are one cool cat.302
JENILEA: I’m not a lesbian. I fucked a guy once and he gave me cheese.303
(They laugh again.)304
MADISON: Three for three! Come on, you can do it!305
(Jenilea picks up her glass of orange juice, raises it as if in a toast, drinks a bit, and spits it square into Kevin’s face. She giggles and Madison jumps up screaming.)306
MADISON: Three for two! Three for two! Did you fucking catch that, Kevin, that was fucking three for two! Already the apprentice has surpassed the master.307
KEVIN: We are not amused.308
MADISON: No, you aren’t. We are.309
KEVIN: It was pretty good.310
MADISON: Genius.311
KEVIN: Now, Jeni, since you’re such a cool cat, you’ll let us play a prank on Anj, won’t you?312
JENILEA: I’m surprised you didn’t immediately after she left.313
MADISON: I say we fuck with the drink.314
KEVIN: That’s dynamite, Madison, you can’t fuck with dynamite. It’s small so it’s easy to spot any changes.315
JENILEA: Put a lemon drop in it.316
(The two turn to each other and then to Jenilea.)317
BOTH: Brilliant!318
(Madison takes his lemon drops and puts one in. Jenilea swirls it around until it dissolves.)319
MADISON: Is that sufficient?320
KEVIN: Those lemon drops are abysmal. It’s more than sufficient.321
MADISON: She’ll have had two of them today. I feel sorry for her.322
KEVIN: Practical jokes are remorseless.323
MADISON: Amen to that.324
KEVIN: Fuck, she’s coming back. Act casual.325
(They start eating. Andromeda slides in to her chair.)326
ANDROMEDA: And what have the Happy Trio been up to?327
KEVIN: Food.328
ANDROMEDA: That’s always nice. Jeni, you’re going to think I’m nuts, but I’m having bacon dipped in catsup.329
JENILEA: You’re nuts.330
ANDROMEDA: It’s good, you want?331
JENILEA: Not really.332
MADISON: You eat like a fucking bird, Jeni. You come to the Café Olé and you get a small OJ and nothing else?333
KEVIN: It’s unheard-of.334
ANDROMEDA: Leave her alone.335
(She picks up her cup, takes a sip, grimaces, and swallows with difficulty.)336
ANDROMEDA: Now, the fuck do you call that? I’ve been having espresso here for three years, and—337
(The other three silently high-five each other. She glares between them.)338
ANDROMEDA: What the fuck did you put in it?339
MADISON: Lemon drop.340
ANDROMEDA: Fuck you guys! You’d better pay for this.341
MADISON: I’m buying for you anyway, remember?342
ANDROMEDA: Oh yeah. You know, the reason I left so willingly is I thought you would protect my things, Jeni.343
KEVIN: Far from it.344
MADISON: This was Jenilea’s initiation of sorts.345
KEVIN: She is now officially a cool cat.346
ANDROMEDA: See, Jeni, I told you you’d love them.347
JENILEA: Of course, man. Who wouldn’t love them?348
MADISON & KEVIN (high voices): We’re so cute and cuddly!349
ANDROMEDA: Cuddly as furry hippopotami.350
KEVIN: Don’t you start.351
JENILEA: So what are you two gonna do after we get called backstage?352
MADISON: Well, I had planned to hang out here with this orangoutang and play practical jokes on Yellek Elocin, but in light of recent news I think we’ll get the fuck outta here and rejoin you tonight.353
ANDROMEDA: Where are you going?354
MADISON: Rain’s place.355
ANDROMEDA: Rain?356
MADISON: That psycho who tried to start Armageddon?357
ANDROMEDA: The guy who set the fire? Didn’t he get life in prison?358
KEVIN: Yeah, but then he beat himself to death on the walls overnight.359
JENILEA: That’s gruesome.360
ANDROMEDA: Then how the fuck can you be going to his place?361
KEVIN: Not his house, the place where his followers hung out. It’s out in the outskirts.362
ANDROMEDA: I see.363
JENILEA: Maybe he’s still hiding out there…waiting for you.364
KEVIN: Nah. I’ve been to his grave. I was obsessed with him for months after the fire, but I never thought to look for the place till now.365
ANDROMEDA: But you’ll be back in time for the show, won’t you?366
KEVIN: Are you kidding? Would we miss the famous Yellek Elocin?367
MADISON: And those two psycho chicks who jam with her? Never!368
ANDROMEDA: If you don’t come see it, I’ll never forgive you. Jeni here dances.369
MADISON: Dances?370
KEVIN: I thought she played the cello.371
ANDROMEDA: She’s the most graceful dancer in the city.372
JENILEA: Stop it, Angie!373
MADISON: Well then, you know I’m there. 1930, right?374
ANDROMEDA: 7:30 PM.375
MADISON: Yes.376
KEVIN: Let’s get the fuck out of here, man. I’ve got microphones and duct tape and all kinds of shit.377
MADISON: Au revoir, O my sisters.378
JENILEA: Bye, sluts!379
(The two boys laugh and walk out.)380
JENILEA: Well, now, what the fuck are we going to do? It’s 10:30, we don’t have call till noon.381
ANDROMEDA: Let’s fuck.382
JENILEA: Where?383
ANDROMEDA: Madison’s car.384
JENILEA: What, did he leave the keys with you?385
ANDROMEDA: No, see, we have to go catch him. That’s the fun of it.386
JENILEA: What about the food?387
ANDROMEDA: If Sally knows what’s good for her she’ll keep it safe for us.388
JENILEA: Ah. Let’s go, then.389
(They run off in the direction the boys went in. Fade-out.)390
INT. CAR-DAY391
(This is Kevin’s car. Unlike Madison’s, which is fairly plain, Kevin’s has a pair of fuzzy dice and a Dashboard Jesus. He also has pages and folders and messy stuff in the back seats.)392
MADISON: Kevin.393
KEVIN: Eh?394
MADISON: You mind explaining to me why the Dashboard Jesus?395
KEVIN: Yeah. See, here’s the thing. They always tell you, Jesus Christ is your personal savior, right?396
MADISON: Yeah.397
KEVIN: Well, whenever somebody says ‘personal savior,’ I get this image in my head of Jesus as this little travel kit kind of thing, something that can go with you, and he’s your personal savior-in-a-box and you can take him out and he’ll save you whenever you want. So if Bob the Drug Dealer sticks you up for money, you pull out your personal savior, and he repels the drug dealer through the inexorable power of God. So the Dashboard Jesus, see, he goes wherever I do. So he’s the physical embodiment of this Personal Savior idea.398
MADISON: That’s quite brilliant, my friend.399
(Pause.)400
MADISON: So what do you think of Jenilea?401
KEVIN: Hot.402
MADISON: Too skinny to be hot, but that’s not what I meant.403
KEVIN: Yeah, I know. She’ll be one of us yet, I think. 404
MADISON: Hardcore.405
KEVIN: And she knows the famous Yellek Elocin?406
MADISON: Yeah.407
KEVIN: Talk about voodoo connections.408
MADISON: I have a voodoo connection—409
KEVIN: To my mother. Everything’s ‘your mom’ with you, Madison.410
MADISON: It’s the ultimate formulaic gag, you can’t deny it.411
KEVIN: Yeah, but it gets old.412
MADISON: I’m gonna commandeer some of this stuff here. Nautical term.413
KEVIN: Yes, nautical term. Go ahead. Most of it’s our shit anyway.414
(Madison leans backward and begins rooting through the heaps of stuff. He comes up with a journal.)415
MADISON: Holy fuck, Kevin, you still have this?416
KEVIN: Apparently.417
MADISON: This is fucking ancient history, man. This thing was half-full when we met Andromeda.418
KEVIN: That the one with the 101 movie plots?419
MADISON: I think so, hang on. (He roots through the pages.) Yeah, it’s all here, man, Ronald Reagan as a pig and everything. Fuck, Kevin, this brings back memories.420
KEVIN: The documentary on Hinduism’s in there?421
MADISON: Must be, you remember we interviewed—yeah, you do, but listen. Holy shit. I forgot to mention this. I gave those two girls a ride to the Café, right?422
KEVIN: OK.423
MADISON: Andromeda says, on the way, she says we should make a film on cheese.424
KEVIN: Cheese? Like what do you mean cheese, like, the food cheese?425
MADISON: No, Kevin, the exotic species of beetle. Of course the food.426
KEVIN: What does that mean, film on cheese? You stand on cheese and make a film?427
(Madison cracks up in spite of himself.)428
MADISON: No, you idiot. Like a documentary. She was going on about interviewing cheese, and what types, and all kinds of shit.429
KEVIN: Sounds pretty far-out.430
MADISON: Fuck yeah. I think we have to do that at some point.431
KEVIN: Avant-garde film’s new direction—Interview with the Gouda.432
MADISON: Waiting for Gouda.433
KEVIN: The Old Man and the Brie.434
MADISON: No, no, Kevin—Swiss Family Robinson. We could do a piece using Swiss cheese as a metaphor for American life, and since Swiss cheese has holes in it, it portrays the dysfunctionality! Remember that.435
KEVIN: Swiss Family Robinson. I’ve never even seen the film. Or read the book, for that matter.436
MADISON: Neither have I, but that’s all one. It’s all this redneck feel-good bullshit, innit? So we expose the mothers for what they are!437
KEVIN: I like it.438
MADISON: I’m a genius.439
KEVIN: If you’re a genius, I get three wishes.440
MADISON: That’s a genie, Kevin.441
KEVIN: In that case, I get four.442
MADISON: You make horrible jokes.443
KEVIN: You smell distinctly like seaweed.444
MADISON: You—you win. (He laughs.) That was damn good.445
(Pause.)446
MADISON: Where the fuck are we going, anyway?447
KEVIN: They call it the Cavern. It’s way out in the outskirts, man. The Café Olé is the heartland. Have some patience.448
MADISON: Have some music.449
KEVIN: As to that. Look back there again, there’s a big case of CDs.450
(Madison roots around again.)451
MADISON: Fuck me, Kevin, you’ve got everything we’ve ever done. How’d you end up with it all?452
KEVIN: You didn’t want it.453
MADISON: I wanted this! This is the storyboard from Orphans of the Storm, innit?454
KEVIN: You hate Orphans of the Storm.455
MADISON: So do you, now.456
KEVIN: This is true. Why do I still have that, then?457
MADISON: Makes a good snack when times get rough.458
KEVIN: I guess.459
MADISON: Here it is, the music. Let’s see what we have.460
(He pulls back into his seat and begins rifling through a CD holder.)461
MADISON: Leonard Cohen, very good. Dylan, Donovan. We’ve got some class, I see. Now, what’s this. Pink Floyd. Bit mainstream.462
KEVIN: OK, Madison, that’s hypocritical to the nth degree, because you’re the one who’s always saying that you hate people who hate things for being mainstream.463
MADISON: Wait, wait, wait. Say that again, but slower.464
KEVIN: You usually have no problem with mainstream shit.465
MADISON: I know, I’m just fucking with you. Pink Floyd, AC/DC, they don’t have much class, but they’re fun. Zeppelin. OK, now, what the fuck. The Supremes.466
KEVIN: You know I dig Motown.467
MADISON: Fuck Motown, I can’t stand the shit. There’s pages of it! Supremes, Temptations, Marvin Gaye, Little Stevie Wonder. Fuck this shit, Kevin. Where’s the classy shit?468
KEVIN: Go to the back.469
MADISON: Back, go to the back…John Cage! That’s class, man. You don’t have any straight classical, do you?470
KEVIN: Prokofiev’s piano concertos.471
MADISON: Ah, that rectifies it all. You’re a good man at the end of the day. Fuck it. Let’s have some Dylan.472
(He chooses Bringing It All Back Home from the front of the holder and pops it in the CD player. ‘Subterranean Homesick Blues’ begins playing. They immediately start singing along.)473
BOTH: Johnny’s in the basement, mixing up the medicine, I’m on the pavement, thinking about the government, a man in a trenchcoat, badge out, laid-off, says he got a bad cough, wants to get it paid off…474
(The camera zooms out from the car and the music fades slowly away as they drive off. CUT to the following.)475
EXT. CAVERN-DAY476
(The car pulls up outside a plain, rectangular concrete structure. This is the famous CAVERN from Bohemian Rhapsody. It is in the middle of a row of warehouses; the cavern is easily distinguishable, though, because of its lack of wood or any semblance of landscaping. It sticks out like the proverbial sore thumb, the mystery of the city for time immemorial. The two guys get out.)477
MADISON: So this is it?478
KEVIN: Yeah, man. You read about the Fandango murders, right?479
MADISON: Yeah. As I remember it, there was some shenanigans in court, and the killer guy, what’s his name again?480
KEVIN: Rain.481
MADISON: Yeah, he got pissed off and wrote some kind of letter to the outside, and all his friends went out and wreaked complete havoc. Went something like that, right?482
KEVIN: Yeah. Imagine that for a second. All these young people—mostly women, now—all of them coming out of right here, spreading out through the whole city, killing and setting themselves on fire. They burned half the park down, for God’s sake. Gives you chills.483
MADISON: Pretty fucking hardcore.484
KEVIN: It’s the greatest. Help me with the equipment.485
MADISON: Equipment? Isn’t this our Poor Theatre?486
KEVIN: Yeah.487
MADISON: Doesn’t it go against the principles of Grotowski to have equipment?488
KEVIN: Yeah, but we’re talking temporarily. We’re just staking the place out. I have a boom box and a camera, lots of stunt mats, come on.489
MADISON: Yeah, yeah. Let’s go.490
(They open the trunk and take out the aforementioned things, lugging them into the cavern with them.)491
INT. CAVERN-DAY492
(The cavern is completely hollow, a simple rectangular shell of concrete. Everywhere there is graffiti and stains—Mansonesque and Rainesque taggings should be in abundance. The two guys dump their stuff near the door.)493
MADISON: Echo!494
(It echoes.)495
KEVIN: Yes, it echoes. That’ll work, though. Theatre of the Grotesque, right? It’ll be creepy as fuck.496
MADISON: That’s the thing, Kevin. Who are we gonna attract out here? Like it or not, it’ll be the Rain fanatics who come. The Goth crowd.497
KEVIN: Goths are cool cats. Quite attractive too.498
MADISON: They’re all closed-minded fucks! They don’t look like it, but you know it’s true. No Goth I’ve ever known has been even slightly interested in the avant-garde.499
KEVIN: They won’t be the only ones.500
MADISON: Kevin, we’re in a murderer’s lair. You’re the one-in-a-million non-Goth who’s into this kind of morbid shit.501
KEVIN: Shut up and stretch.502
MADISON: What for?503
KEVIN: Movement shit, whatever comes to mind.504
(They start stretching.)505
MADISON: So what kind of shows you thinking of having?506
KEVIN: Well, I’ve always wanted to do a kind of West Side Story type deal.507
MADISON: Like how?508
KEVIN: Like the way West Side Story is, really, except—OK, Jerzy Grotowski, no pit orchestra, right?509
MADISON: So one would assume.510
KEVIN: So what you do, you have the people singing the backup as well as the words. Make it into sort of an opera, I guess. I don’t know.511
MADISON: Opera?512
KEVIN: In a way.513
MADISON: OK, now you’re scaring me, Kevin Thompson. We’re not doing no fucking opera.514
KEVIN: Not opera, exactly. But a Grotowskian musical.515
MADISON: Grotowskian musical! Now I’ve heard it all. Back to the drawing board with Ronald Reagan, I say.516
KEVIN (Christopher Lloyd impression): Ronald Reagan? The actor?!517
MADISON: Yes indeed.518
KEVIN: That’s a Back to the Future reference right there.519
MADISON: You’re a Back to the Future reference.520
KEVIN: No, Madison, I’m sorry, that sucked.521
MADISON: This is crap, Kevin. I appreciate the history of the place, but it’s dull.522
KEVIN: It’s a Poor Theatre. We just wash all the graffiti off, start making something out of it.523
MADISON: So we’re washing windows in some madman’s old apartment because we have nothing else to do? Let’s go find some cheese.524
KEVIN: Fuck the cheese, man. And this place has no windows.525
MADISON (singing in a hip-hop beat): Fuck the cheese. Fu-fuck the cheese. Fuck the cheese. Fu-fuck the cheese.526
(Kevin joins in with a beatbox.)527
MADISON: Fuck the cheese, bitch down on your knees, I’m a motherfuckin’ pimp and I do as I please, I said suck my dick and make it quick, I said fuck you girl! fuck the cheese.528
(Kevin delivers a beatbox finale as he fiddles with the boom box. They act in the manner of infomercial fellows, for a nonexistent audience.)529
KEVIN: Ladies and gentlemen of the Lower East Side, the world’s worst rapper, Madison Young St. Jamirez.530
MADISON: He lowers the bar so people like you can walk right into it.531
KEVIN: That’s right, folks. Hey, here’s something I heard yesterday. A man walks into a bar—ouch!532
MADISON: Good one, Kevin.533
KEVIN: Thank you, Madison. You know, speaking as we are of bad electronic music, I feel it’s necessary to pay tribute to what is perhaps the single most overrated electronic music track ever produced.534
MADISON: Why, what could that be?535
KEVIN: Perpend, my brother, and give ear.536
(He presses play. ‘Closer’ by Nine Inch Nails begins playing. The two immediately drop their infomercial characters and begin comically dancing in a sort of talentless breakdancing competition style. They pull all kinds of strange moves. Eventually they get up on the wall, and then onto the ceiling, still grooving along. Suddenly the music cuts out, and Madison falls to the floor.)537
MADISON (getting up slowly): And I’m spent.538
(He looks up. Kevin is still dancing on the ceiling, to no music.)539
MADISON: Oi, get down. This magical realism shit is great, but that’s taking it a bit too far, don’t you think?540
KEVIN: Yeah, I guess.541
(Kevin jumps down and lands clean beside him.)542
KEVIN: That was fun.543
INT. CAFE-DAY544
(Andromeda and Jenilea enter into the bustle of the place and return to the table they were sitting at before.)545
ANDROMEDA: Remind me to give Sally either a tip or head for keeping our food.546
JENILEA: Speaking of giving head, keep telling.547
ANDROMEDA: Where was I, Corinne, right?548
JENILEA: Corinne you met here at the Café Olé. 549
ANDROMEDA: Right. So me and Corinne hooked up, and we were like the official couple of the Café. Every day we were here, for like, how long did I date her? Seven months. But then one day she decided that Anni-Frid Lyngstad was hotter than Agnetha Fältskog, which is crap, so we had a fight about that, during the course of which she stepped on my foot and accused me of fornicating with the Prince of England, which I have never done, although not for lack of trying. Then the next morning, I wake up, and my pet toad Lazarus is dead.550
JENILEA: She killed your pet toad?551
ANDROMEDA: Actually, no, his spleen erupted, but I didn’t know that until we had already broken up, at which point she already thought I was the craziest bitch this side of Anchorage anyway, so what the hell. The thing was, Corinne had supported me, so when we broke up I needed a job, so that’s why I’m a librarian. Because I can read, I guess. Anyway, it was like a few weeks after I dumped Corinne, I hooked up with Madison.552
JENILEA: Madison? Like, Madison who was just here and insane?553
ANDROMEDA: Yeah.554
JENILEA: You went out with him? How the hell did that work?555
ANDROMEDA: Well, fuck, I forgot to tell you how I met the two of them. Those two go way back, now. You notice how they think exactly the same?556
JENILEA: Yeah.557
ANDROMEDA: They’ve been that way forever. At least like two years, that’s how long I’ve known them. They completely grew up together, they just click, like on everything. It’s amazing. Anyway. I was playing at the Blue Lounge, playing piano, and there’s these two guys with the wildest ideas ever. They wanted to make a symphony out of the piano. Make a symphony, as in build it. Take the piano apart and build a physical representation of a symphony out of a piano.558
JENILEA: How does that work?559
ANDROMEDA: Don’t ask me. I asked them, they said they didn’t even know. But the thing was, I went out with them for dinner that night, we talked about it, and even though they said they didn’t get their own ideas, they got each other’s ideas. They’d be finishing each other’s sentences and they always knew exactly what the other one meant. You’ve never seen anything like the two of them.560
JENILEA: So what made you want to date Madison?561
ANDROMEDA: He’s the better-looking of the two. Other than that they’re virtually identical, personality-wise. There are only two differences I’ve ever found between them. Kevin likes Motown and Madison hates it; and Kevin used to play the banjo. That’s absolutely it, on the differences.562
JENILEA: Wow.563
ANDROMEDA: Yeah. So I asked him out and he said yes, that first night, because this symphony scheme sounded so awesome. And they were all trying to explain to me how all this avant-garde shit works, I still don’t get it, but what the hell. Then the next day, I come over, I’m like hey Madison, what can I do to help you two with this symphony project? And him and Kevin had already abandoned it.564
JENILEA: I got that impression, that they’re both ADHD.565
ANDROMEDA: Or something. That’s why I broke up with him, because I couldn’t keep up. No one can keep up with those two. They’re married to their art.566
JENILEA: It was you they were talking about, when Madison was telling Kevin not to date?567
ANDROMEDA: No, no, that was Hester. He dated a girl named Hester, believe it or don’t. And she put a major damper on his artistic development.568
JENILEA: What do you suppose they’re up to now?569
ANDROMEDA: They’re probably half-through writing a new play that’ll never see production. It’s always the way with them.570
INT. CAVERN-DAY571
(Madison and Kevin are clearly not working; they are playing chess in a corner of the room.)572
KEVIN: Alexei got a new dog yesterday.573
MADISON: You can’t do that.574
KEVIN: That’s what I said, but he did it anyway.575
MADISON: No, I mean, you can’t move there.576
KEVIN: Why not?577
MADISON: Puts you in check.578
KEVIN: It does not! My king’s on a white square.579
MADISON: So is the bishop.580
KEVIN: That’s white? So it is. I must be black-white colorblind or something.581
MADISON: No wonder you suck at chess. What were you saying about Alexei?582
KEVIN: He got a new dog yesterday.583
MADISON: You can’t do that either.584
KEVIN: I told him that, but he went ahead and got it.585
MADISON: No, I mean, you can’t move there either, Kevin. I’m covering you. This is the endgame. There’s only one possible move.586
KEVIN: It’s not over till the fat lady sings.587
MADISON: Your mother’s not here to sing.588
KEVIN: Listen to Alexei, now!589
MADISON: He’s not here either. Least I didn’t see him.590
KEVIN: He got a new dog yesterday.591
MADISON: A new dog? You’re kidding! That makes what, five, right?592
KEVIN: Yeah.593
MADISON: So not only he’s Greek, but he’s got five dogs and you in a house?594
KEVIN: I’ve got him and five dogs in a house.595
MADISON: Why don’t you kick him out?596
KEVIN: Landlord’s Greek like him.597
MADISON: Ah.598
KEVIN: Fuck you.599
MADISON: I told you it’s the endgame.600
KEVIN: Speaking of which, what do you think of a Grotowski-Beckett fusion?601
MADISON: I’ll tell you the truth, I’ve only read two Beckett plays, Endgame and Act Without Words, because they were both in one book for fifty cents at a clearance sale. But the thing with Beckett, it seems to me, is that his plays are all about nothing happening, which doesn’t click with Grotowski at all.602
KEVIN: That’s what’s cool, though, is it’d be even more stagnant. It’d be like ultimate minimalist theatre.603
MADISON: You know what’s cool? I’ll tell you what’s cool. You know pot roast?604
KEVIN: What, like food?605
MADISON: Yeah.606
KEVIN: Yeah.607
MADISON: Well, if you take pot roast, and combine it into one word, it’s Proust.608
(Pause.)609
KEVIN: No.610
MADISON: Well, technically it’d be proast, but what the hell.611
KEVIN: What’s that got to do with anything at all?612
MADISON: Well, Proust and Beckett are both French, aren’t they?613
KEVIN: Beckett’s Irish, I thought.614
MADISON: Well, whatever, but he wrote in French. So those two, and Jean-Paul Sartre, they make sort of a trio.615
KEVIN: I guess.616
MADISON: Nietzche was German, though.617
KEVIN: Yeah.618
MADISON: Checkmate.619
INT. CAFE-DAY620
(The two girls are sitting at their table.)621
ANDROMEDA: I’m telling you, though. All problems can be solved with cheese.622
JENILEA: What is with cheese?623
ANDROMEDA: It’s the answer to everything. Not the answer, that’s forty-two, but it’s the cure-all. It’s the alpha and omega of need.624
JENILEA: Like how?625
ANDROMEDA: Well, OK, start with the obvious. World hunger. With enough cheese, world hunger is gone, poof.626
JENILEA: OK.627
ANDROMEDA: Then once world hunger’s gone, you can tackle everything else. Like disease, for example. A major reason poor people have so much disease is they don’t eat enough, so their bodies aren’t strong enough to fight off the disease. But if they ate cheese, they’d be OK. You see?628
JENILEA: I always thought it was the lack of proper medicine.629
ANDROMEDA: You’re making far too much sense.630
(Sally is walking by.)631
ANDROMEDA: Hey, Sally, come here. Tell Jeni here something. Is cheese the solution to all problems?632
SALLY: No. It’s salmon. But ask about that some other time. Eliza just put out an all-points bulletin, she wants you two backstage.633
ANDROMEDA: Cool. You watch the food for us?634
SALLY: I’ll put it all in little boxes and you can take it home for your mommy to cry over.635
JENILEA: What?636
SALLY: Nothing. I got the food. You guys go backstage.637
JENILEA: Fair enough.638
(They get up and walk over to a door next to the stage.)639
ANDROMEDA: And now we descend into the nebulous underworld of double-dealing, two-timing, false-smiling, bad-rhyming, overweight, twist-of-fate, don’t you hate the theatre crowd?640
JENILEA: What was that?641
ANDROMEDA: It’s in the air all around us. (She takes a manly whiff and sighs.) The sweet air of villainy.642
JENILEA: Let’s go.643
(They open the door and walk through.)644
INT. BACKSTAGE CORRIDOR-DAY645
(They are in a hallway. To the right are two doors, spaced apart, to the dressing rooms; on the left is a door to the backstage preparation space. At the end of the hallway is a large rehearsal room, with a mockup stage. ELIZA BARRYMORE is in the hallway and runs over to greet them.)646
ELIZA: Andromeda and Jenilea?647
BOTH: Yes?648
ELIZA: Thank God. It’s a quarter past noon! Where have you been?649
ANDROMEDA: Discussing the relevance of cheese to our society.650
ELIZA: Excuse me?651
JENILEA: We’ve been busy.652
ELIZA: I’m certain you have. Come here. We have both dressing rooms open. Yellek Elocin is already here.653
JENILEA: Lead us to her.654
(They walk to one of the dressing rooms and enter.)655
INT. DRESSING ROOMS-DAY656
(The two dressing rooms have a movable wall between them, which has been opened to create a bigger space. There is a tambourine, sundry bits of costuming, and Yellek Elocin’s violin lying about. YELLEK ELOCIN is sitting on a chair applying her copious makeup. She is a hammed-up eastern European stereotype; the character was inspired by CARLOTTA from The Phantom of the Opera.)657
ELIZA: They’re here, Miss Elocin.658
JENILEA: Yellek?659
(She turns around slowly and imperiously from the mirror. When she sees Jenilea, however, she jumps up and throws out her arms.)660
YELLEK ELOCIN: My darling Jenilea! It has been too long.661
(They embrace.)662
JENILEA: You haven’t mailed me your new CD yet.663
YELLEK ELOCIN: Darling, I thought you loathed Tchaikovsky.664
JENILEA: I do.665
YELLEK ELOCIN: Then why—666
JENILEA: You haven’t mailed me at all. I haven’t spoken to you in…like…a really long time!667
YELLEK ELOCIN (distastefully): In Cincinnati.668
JENILEA: Right! We had some silly fight about something.669
YELLEK ELOCIN: Your girlfriend Antoinette spilled Jack Daniels on my Versace gown?670
JENILEA: Oh, yes. On that note, Yellek, this is my new girlfriend, Andromeda George.671
YELLEK ELOCIN: Goodness!672
(She runs in a terrified huff behind Eliza, whom she wields as a shield.)673
ANDROMEDA: It’s wonderful to meet you, Miss Elocin.674
YELLEK ELOCIN: Likewise…I hope.675
ANDROMEDA: I saw you at a concert a few years ago, when you were with the Peabody Quartet?676
YELLEK ELOCIN (a noise of pure foreign aristocratic distaste): Augh!677
ANDROMEDA: Bless you.678
YELLEK ELOCIN: Young lady, do you know why I no longer play with that despicable ensemble?679
ANDROMEDA: No.680
YELLEK ELOCIN: The cellist, he…no, it is too horrible.681
ANDROMEDA: Oh. I…I’m sorry.682
(Awkward pause.)683
ELIZA: Well, I think now is a good—684
YELLEK ELOCIN: Is no one going to express interest? You are to question me about all the deep, dark moments of my history. It makes me feel…relevant.685
ANDROMEDA (confused): I’m sorry.686
JENILEA: What happened with the cellist, Yellek.687
YELLEK ELOCIN: No, no, you don’t really want to know. You are just patronizing me.688
JENILEA: No, Yellek. We are not patronizing you. We really want to know.689
ANDROMEDA: Yes, tell us.690
ELIZA: I’m sure it’s a fascinating story.691
YELLEK ELOCIN (glaring at Eliza): That was distinctly patronizing.692
ELIZA (hanging head like a puppy): I’m sorry.693
YELLEK ELOCIN: OK, I tell you. The cellist played Brahms…with…a Vicario bow!694
(Pause.)695
ANDROMEDA: A which?696
YELLEK ELOCIN: A Vicario bow! Made by Alessandro Vicario—in the period between the first and second World Wars!697
ANDROMEDA: So?698
YELLEK ELOCIN: You ignorant child! This is Brahms! He had not the proper respect for Brahms. For Brahms, your instrument must be a hundred and fifty years! At least!699
JENILEA: Oh, I see! That’s terrible!700
YELLEK ELOCIN: I’m glad one of you is suitably distraught.701
JENILEA: I can’t imagine playing Brahms with one of those horrible twentieth-century cellos.702
YELLEK ELOCIN: Ah, Jenilea, always you understand the delicate soul of the musician.703
(She embraces Jenilea. Jenilea mimes something insulting behind her back.)704
ELIZA: Yes, well, putting the past, horrible as it may be, behind us…we are twenty minutes late. Andromeda, the piano in the back room is identical to the one onstage, but Jacob told me it hasn’t been tuned in about five years, so I don’t know how much use it’s going to be.705
ANDROMEDA: The one onstage is in tune, I hope.706
ELIZA: Of course. Miss Elocin, you have everything you need?707
YELLEK ELOCIN: I will inform you if I need anything further.708
ELIZA: You said something about procuring some stage hands. Where are they?709
YELLEK ELOCIN: This, I do not know. I will contact them immediately.710
(She walks out of the room dialing a cell phone.)711
JENILEA: I think you may live in perpetual fear of these stage hands after today.712
ELIZA: I already live in perpetual fear. I work at the Café Olé. 713
ANDROMEDA: So that was the famous Yellek Elocin?714
JENILEA: Yes it was.715
ANDROMEDA: She’s completely insane!716
JENILEA: No, actually, she’s not. She’s only half-insane.717
ANDROMEDA: How do you mean?718
JENILEA: Half-Hungarian, half-English.719
ANDROMEDA: I see.720
ELIZA: How do you two know each other?721
JENILEA: Mutual connections. She and I had a little fling together.722
ANDROMEDA & ELIZA: You’re kidding!723
JENILEA: Not even.724
ANDROMEDA: You dated that prima donna?725
JENILEA: No. I said we had a fling. Think about it for a second. She plays the violin, plays really really fast pieces. Her fingers are wonderfully agile, if you know what I’m saying.726
ANDROMEDA (playfully hitting her): Fuck you.727
ELIZA: I didn’t particularly need to know that, Jenilea.728
ANDROMEDA: Oh, come on, Eliza. Are you saying you’ve never looked at a girl and licked your metaphorical lips?729
ELIZA: Never.730
ANDROMEDA: Well, if you weren’t twice my age, I’d work on that.731
JENILEA: And what am I supposed to do, fuck a sheep?732
ANDROMEDA: Hey, you don’t even have a right to talk, Miss I’ve-Fucked-More-People-In-This-Room-Than-You.733
(Yellek Elocin comes back in.)734
YELLEK ELOCIN: They are coming momentarily.735
ELIZA: Good. Andromeda, when you two came in, were there still people out there?736
ANDROMEDA: Yeah.737
ELIZA: Dammit! If you want something done right, don’t ask Jacob Newman to do it, that’s my motto. He was supposed to have the place closed by noon.738
JENILEA: Who’s Jacob Newman?739
ELIZA: The thoroughly useless owner of this establishment.740
YELLEK ELOCIN: He is most disappointing. He failed even to bring out the red carpet for my arrival!741
(Eliza has been dialing her phone.)742
ELIZA: Hello? Jacob? It’s Eliza. (Pause.) Eliza Barrymore? Your stooge director? (Pause.) Yeah. I told you I needed the café closed by noon. It’s noon-twenty. (Pause.) You make plenty of money. (Pause.) You’re a prophetic nincompoop, is what you are! (Pause.) Are you drunk? You’re drunk as a skunk, aren’t you! (Pause.) It means you can’t tell your ass from your elbow, doesn’t it. Just go away, I’ll evict the diners.743
(She hangs up.)744
ELIZA: That man is fucking impossible.745
YELLEK ELOCIN: I would like to meet him.746
ELIZA: No, you wouldn’t. He’s a bohemian.747
YELLEK ELOCIN: I play for him the songs of his country! Bela Bartòk! A fine composer!748
ELIZA: Not that kind of bohemian. Look, you three start rehearsing or something. I’m going to go yell at people.749
(She walks out, rubbing her hands in gleeful anticipation. The three are left sitting.)750
YELLEK ELOCIN: I do not much like that one.751
ANDROMEDA: I don’t much like having an out-of-tune piano to practice on.752
JENILEA: I don’t much like your face.753
ANDROMEDA: That was very rude.754
JENILEA: Yellek, are the stage hands who I think they are?755
YELLEK ELOCIN: How am I to know who you think they are?756
JENILEA: Nicolas, Curfew, and Ned?757
YELLEK ELOCIN: Yes, it is them.758
JENILEA: I thought so.759
ANDROMEDA: Who are they?760
JENILEA: Three stooges.761
(A knock on the door. Yellek Elocin opens it. There is no one there.)762
YELLEK ELOCIN: What is this?763
(A grenade-like article is thrown to the open doorway. A few seconds’ pause. The girls in the room exchange glances.)764
NICOLAS (OS, whispering): You have to push the button!765
(The grenade-like article emits a huge puff of colorful smoke, through which the three stooges—NICOLAS, CURFEW, and NED—walk as characters from the commedia dell’arte. Nicolas is Pantalone; Curfew is Harlequin; Ned is the nondescript zanni. They have Cockney accents.)766
NICOLAS: Look at this! Look what we’ve found! It’s a violinist!767
CURFEW (picking up the violin): The sacred article!768
NICOLAS: Harlequin! Give me that!769
(Curfew hands Nicolas the violin.)770
NICOLAS: Ha ha! I got a violin!771
CURFEW: He holds a big stick.772
NICOLAS: Silence!773
(Ned picks up the tambourine and stands next to Andromeda. He beats it four times as an introduction, then begins banging it on her head while the other two sing the interlude of ‘Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.’)774
NICOLAS & CURFEW: Um-diddle-iddle-iddle, um-diddle-ay, um-diddle-iddle-iddle, um-diddle-ay—775
(The commedia characters have more or less dissolved by now. Nicolas then starts playing the chorus melody on the violin. During this sequence Curfew does an impossibly-fast change into some clothes that just happen to be lying about the dressing room, and which transform him into Bert from the film. Ned is still banging the tambourine, although perhaps Andromeda has moved. The chorus finishes, and Curfew sings.)776
CURFEW (singing): Because I was afraid to speak when I was just a lad, me father gave me nose a tweak and told me I was bad. But then one day I found a word that saved me achin’ nose: the biggest word you ever heard and this is how it goes.777
(The girls join in the chorus.)778
ALL EXCEPT NED: Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious, if you say it loud enough you’ll always sound precocious! Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!779
(Nicolas has by now handed the violin back to Yellek Elocin, who plays a dazzling, arpeggiated variation on the melody and finishes it. All in the room applaud for each other, except of course Yellek Elocin, who merely bows.)780
YELLEK ELOCIN: Ah, it is good to see you again.781
ANDROMEDA (slightly out of breath): Who are these three?782
NICOLAS: Nicolas!783
CURFEW: Curfew.784
BOTH: And Ned.785
(Ned bows.)786
YELLEK ELOCIN: They are my cousins.787
ANDROMEDA: How do you do.788
NICOLAS: How do you do, then?789
(Andromeda and Nicolas shake hands; Nicolas of course has a buzzer in his hand.)790
ANDROMEDA: Good Lord.791
JENILEA: I told you, didn’t I?792
NICOLAS: Told her what, exactly?793
JENILEA: About you.794
(The three stooges nod significantly to each other.)795
NICOLAS: What about us exactly?796
ANDROMEDA: That you guys were nuts.797
CURFEW: Nuts, eh?798
(Ned signals his testicles.)799
ANDROMEDA: No, not like that.800
(Ned mimes understanding and pulls out from a pocket a handful of pistachios, which he offers to Andromeda.)801
ANDROMEDA: No, goddammit!802
(Ned hangs his head, puts his pistachios back, and walks away pathetically.)803
NICOLAS: Now see what you’ve done? You’ve hurt the guv’nah’s feelings, you have!804
CURFEW: Challenge you to a read, we should. Ping-pong Nicolas they call him.805
ANDROMEDA: What?806
CURFEW: Don’t I make eighteen?807
NICOLAS: One two three etcetera.808
CURFEW: And where do the numbers end?809
NICOLAS: You know what I think?810
CURFEW (conspiratorially): Head for the hills.811
NICOLAS: They don’t ever end.812
(Pause.)813
CURFEW: That’s a boring answer, that is.814
NICOLAS: I’ll John Major I’m Mae West at tiddlying, reads, and sundry.815
CURFEW: Sod you.816
ANDROMEDA: Jeni, what the fuck are they talking about?817
JENILEA: I haven’t the foggiest idea.818
YELLEK ELOCIN: Don’t frighten the girls.819
(Eliza walks through the door.)820
ELIZA: Fucking bohemian idiots who eat at this place!821
(Andromeda and Jenilea look at each other.)822
CURFEW: What seems to be the inexorable difficulty with the clientele of this remarkable establishment?823
ELIZA: Who are you?824
CURFEW: That’s a question better left to be pondered, isn’t it?825
NICOLAS: He’s right, you know.826
CURFEW: It’s like the ancient Zen koan: where does your lap go when you stand up?827
ELIZA: Somebody tell me who these people are.828
YELLEK ELOCIN: The stage hands.829
ELIZA (consternation): Oh. Well. That’s good. Now, the first thing you have got to do is—830
(Ned walks up to her and signals her to be quiet. He gets everyone’s attention, reaches behind her ear, and produces an egg.)831
ELIZA: That’s very nice. Now listen. You three have got to—832
(Ned cracks the egg on her head and dumps the gooey mess all over her. The girls giggle in spite of themselves.)833
ELIZA: What the fuck was that? What the fuck is wrong with this fucking place, everyone here is fucking insane!834
(She screams and flings the egg in her hair all over the place. Ned imitates her. Nicolas bangs Ned on the head. Curfew sidles up to Jenilea.)835
CURFEW: What’s a pretty girl like you doing in a place like this?836
ELIZA: Three of you! Get the fuck on the stage and sweep it clean!837
CURFEW: Which fuck, exactly, should we get on the stage?838
ELIZA: All three of you! Pick up your feet!839
(The three lean down, in synchronicity, and each picks up one of his feet.)840
ELIZA: MOVE!841
NICOLAS: Yes, Your Highness.842
(They walk out.)843
CURFEW (muttering as they leave): She doesn’t exactly smell like a queen, does she?844
NICOLAS: No, she doesn’t.845
ELIZA: Who were those people, Miss Elocin?846
YELLEK ELOCIN: My cousins. Please do not speak to them as such again.847
(She leaves in a huff.)848
ELIZA: Cousins?849
JENILEA: They are, you know. I told you she’s half-crazy. They’re from the crazy side of her family.850
ELIZA: They’re certainly not Hungarian.851
JENILEA: Who said the Hungarian side was crazy?852
(Pause.)853
INT. CAFE-DAY854
(The lights are off and the place is empty. The windows are covered with Venetian blinds. There is minimal lighting on the stage. The three stooges enter with push-brooms. They begin to sweep the stage, running about, jumping, ducking past each other, having a jolly old time. None of them speak. Suddenly Ned, while doing these antics, starts up a rhythm, by beating his broom on the ground or hitting the broomstick with his hand. The other two gradually join him. Their percussive playing increases in veracity and intricacy, the three of them not only playing individually but banging their brooms into each others’, sliding through one another’s spread legs to play a solo, growing and exploding into a rhapsodic madman feat of timing and energy. With an explosive coda, they finish in a line, and bow to the ‘audience.’)855
INT. CAVERN-DAY856
(Madison and Kevin are taking five on the floor. The boom box sits in a corner; there are amps, cords, a microphone, perhaps a guitar, papers—anything they might have been using. A FAT MAN IN A SQUIRREL SUIT walks in the door, picks up the boom box, switches it on, puts it on his shoulder, starts headbanging, and walks out.)857
INT. DRESSING ROOMS-DAY858
(The three stooges are sitting around on chairs; Jenilea and Andromeda are making out, perhaps on a bench. Ned is unobtrusively sticking brass tacks into the wall to make a pattern.)859
NICOLAS: You know what I think? I think chewing gum is a sort of conspiracy, you know, like an alien conspiracy. Chewing gum, you know. Because here’s the thing, it’s sweet, and it comes in a large variety of flavors and things, appeals to the senses, all that rot. But what is it, really? I think you’d be hard-pressed to figure out what it really is. It’s a self-adhesive substance, see, and it can come apart and reform itself at will. Part of it’s sugar, to be sure, and when you chew it, your saliva breaks down the sugar, whatever, and it’s ingested, but there’s a large amount of this unknown substance that will not be broken down, either by your teeth which are meant to physically break down things, or by your saliva which is meant to chemically break down things. Furthermore, it has been scientifically proven that you cannot digest it, that it simply passes through the intestines and emerges in a rather unsightly fashion.860
(Andromeda emits a loud moan as Jenilea bites her neck. The stooges take absolutely no notice of them.)861
NICOLAS: So what I’m saying is that chewing gum is resistant to all the natural devices nature has installed within us. So really, you’re dealing with a force that’s greater than yourself. I mean, it could easily be the case that aliens have planted chewing gum all around us, and that it’s some sort of oral reconnaissance device or something, meant to spy on us from within our mouths. Or perhaps it’s like a Communist conspiracy, that’s possible too.862
JENILEA: I have a friend who’s Communist.863
ANDROMEDA: Well, I have a friend who’s a Satanist.864
JENILEA: And I have several friends who are Socialist…and one friend who’s Korean, so I win, bitch.865
ANDROMEDA: Fuck you.866
JENILEA: Gladly.867
(Eliza walks through the door, all business.)868
ELIZA: All right, everyone, let’s get down to brass tacks. Chewing gum?869
(She holds out a pack. Nicolas takes a piece. Ned motions to his creation, which probably resembles Yellek Elocin. Eliza doesn't notice.)870
ELIZA: Next thing we’ve gotta do is set up the microphones. Someone please volunteer.871
(Nicolas raises his hand; a split second later Curfew does too. Nicolas pushes Curfew’s hand down with his other hand. Curfew raises his other hand. Ned pushes down Curfew’s hand and raises his hand, just for kicks. They are now in a line position, holding each other’s hands down. They spontaneously get up and dance for a few beats, then start tussling amongst themselves.)872
ELIZA: All right, for Christ’s sake, all three of you do it.873
JENILEA: Where’s Yellek?874
ELIZA: Onstage, taking an hour and a half to tune her violin. She’ll run the soundcheck. You guys, go.875
(Nicolas and Curfew bow to each other elaborately, signaling the other to go first; when neither goes, they both decide to go. The doorway however is not wide enough for two people, and they get stuck until Ned kicks Curfew through.)876
CURFEW: You are the soul of convenience, you little bugger.877
(Ned bows and whistles happily as a sendoff. They walk out of shot—then back in.)878
CURFEW: Where do they go?879
ELIZA: Double mic on the left, tall one on the right, blue with blue, sub-master 17 off.880
NICOLAS: You think we can manage that?881
CURFEW: Which side’s the left?882
ELIZA: What’s that supposed to mean?883
CURFEW: Well, is it this side—(he pats one leg)—or this side—(he pats the other)?884
ELIZA: God above, you can’t be serious.885
NICOLAS: He probably isn’t, but Curfew is. Wouldn’t know up from down if his nose weren’t predisposed to the latter.886
CURFEW: Can it, you swine, or we’ll read for sure.887
ELIZA: OK, hold your hands out like so—(she holds her hands out so that one makes an L and one makes a backwards L)—and whichever side looks like an L is the left.888
(Curfew tries it, studies it for a moment, then gives up.)889
CURFEW: I’m dyslexic, they both look like an L.890
ELIZA (close to breaking again): Look, Nicolas, you know left from right, don’t you?891
NICOLAS: Course. Rich people on the right, poor people on the left.892
ELIZA: Close enough. Now get to work.893
(They walk out. Eliza sighs.)894
ANDROMEDA: What are we supposed to do?895
ELIZA: What you do best, I suppose.896
(The girls start happily making out again. Eliza stares at them for a moment.)897
ELIZA (an outburst): Do you have to be swallowing each other’s tongues at every possible moment?898
ANDROMEDA: You’re the one who suggested it.899
JENILEA: Our free time is our own to spend, I should hope.900
ELIZA: Yes, but I prefer to come into a room and not have lesbians in it practically having sex before my very eyes.901
(The two girls just look at her.)902
ELIZA: I’m not a homophobe, you understand—903
ANDROMEDA: Of course not, you just hate lesbians.904
ELIZA: I don’t hate lesbians, I’m just not accustomed to seeing them sprouting up everywhere I go.905
ANDROMEDA: Well, get accustomed.906
(She flashes Eliza, who groans and walks out of the room.)907
JENILEA (playfully): You little whore!908
(The girls are about to make out again when Ned taps Andromeda on the shoulder.)909
ANDROMEDA: Yeah?910
(Ned mimes playing the piano.)911
ANDROMEDA: I can’t, it’s out of tune.912
(Ned throws his hands up in disgust. He grabs Andromeda by the hand and drags her towards the door; Jenilea follows.)913
INT. BACKSTAGE CORRIDOR-DAY914
(Ned leads them.)915
ANDROMEDA (making the best of the situation): Jenilea, take this down. ‘Am being dragged off by unspeaking Englishman. Destination unknown. Send immediate assistance.’916
(Jenilea just looks at her as they walk into the rehearsal room.)917
INT. REHEARSAL ROOM-DAY918
(There is a large grand piano near the back of the room; sundry other things lying about, including a frying pan, on a table. Ned drags Andromeda over to the piano, Jenilea following. Andromeda, exasperated, plays a chord on the piano which sounds more or less like an eighty-year-old chain-smoking fat man imitating a frog.)919
ANDROMEDA: You see? It doesn’t work.920
(Ned mimes turning the little knobs in the back of the piano.)921
ANDROMEDA: Now what are you doing?922
(Ned is now exasperated. He mimes playing the piano, then being horrified at the sound it makes. He has an idea. He fiddles with the knobs, comes out, dusts his hands, plays it again, and this time grins widely.)923
JENILEA: He wants to tune it.924
(Ned claps for her and wrings her hand.)925
ANDROMEDA: Do you know how to?926
(Ned puffs out his chest and looks proud. Of course he can.)927
ANDROMEDA: Well, go ahead then, I guess.928
(Ned raises the lid of the piano and begins tinkering with the knobs as the girls sit down on a chair and begin, once again, to make out.)929
INT. CAFE-DAY930
(Yellek Elocin is tuning her violin, with micrometer precision, to the piano. Nicolas and Curfew come on.)931
NICOLAS: I would say that’s pretty well in-tune, Yellek.932
YELLEK ELOCIN: It is not. It is a semitone higher.933
CURFEW: A semitone?934
YELLEK ELOCIN: At least.935
CURFEW: You got fine tuners, then?936
YELLEK ELOCIN: Of course.937
CURFEW: Sounded like you did, after all.938
YELLEK ELOCIN: Did it.939
CURFEW: Oh, decidedly. I couldn’t help hearing the occasional twang and pull-ear explosive racket emerging from your finely-crafted Stradivarius.940
YELLEK ELOCIN: Nicolas, darling, what is your brother saying?941
NICOLAS: Complementing your tone, of course.942
CURFEW: You could trip here.943
(He does so. Nicolas pulls him up.)944
NICOLAS: Come on, then. We’ve got to set up these microphones.945
CURFEW: Right.946
(He holds the two Ls out again, realizes they’re both the same, throws his hands up in the air, and stalks off with Nicolas to the side of the stage. Yellek Elocin starts to tune again. The two reenter, each holding two microphones, which for purposes of direction I will refer to as A, B, C, and D. Nicolas has A and B; Curfew has C and D.)947
CURFEW: Right. What now?948
NICOLAS: OK. Here’s what happens. That one goes there, that one goes there.949
(As he is still holding two mics, it is impossible to tell what or where he is referring to. Therefore, Curfew puts C and D next to each other in front of him.)950
CURFEW: Like that?951
NICOLAS: No, you idiot. Switch them.952
(The microphone cords are connected to their stands; thus when Curfew puts C in D’s stand and D in C’s stand, the cords are crossed. Nicolas puts his down emphatically, takes A out of its stand, and walks forward. He takes C out of D’s stand, gives it to Curfew with a harrumphy motion, and puts A there. He then goes back to get A’s stand, during which time Curfew realizes they’re being tangled, puts C back, takes A out, and puts it in its (A’s) stand as Nicolas is bringing it forward. D (in C’s stand), C (in D’s stand), and A in its own stand are next to each other in the front of the stage. Yellek Elocin puts down her violin and watches in amusement. Nicolas picks up D’s stand and tries to move it upstage, pulling C’s stand along with it. Curfew sees this and repeatedly attempts to put C’s stand back upright, and it keeps being pulled over. Finally Curfew pulls on stand C, hard, and Nicolas is pulled back with it. They both pull against each other, Curfew wins, and Nicolas falls down in the middle. Curfew picks up B and stand C (mic D) and begins pulling them back downstage. Nicolas yanks on the cord from the floor, causing Curfew to stumble and drop mic B. Curfew sets stands B and C next to stand A in the front of the stage. Nicolas gets up, a cord wrapped around him, and stumbles forward. He picks up B from the floor; as he is doing this Curfew switches A into B’s stand. Nicolas puts B in A’s stand. Curfew then hands Nicolas D, puts A into D’s stand, and trips on a wire, knocking all four stands down and the mics out of the stands. Nicolas is still holding mic D. He picks up the first stand he sees, puts D in it, then leans down to help Curfew; the wire is pulled and the stand falls on his head. He falls to the ground. The two of them make a few halfhearted attempts to get up, stands and microphones tumbling over them, before they finally lurch off the stage, covered in cords and paraphernalia. CUT to Yellek Elocin, who plays the ending motif on her violin.)953
INT. CAVERN-AFTERNOON954
(Madison and Kevin are just getting up.)955
MADISON: God, man, we must’ve slept all day.956
KEVIN: Madison, I had the weirdest fucking dream.957
MADISON: Do tell.958
KEVIN: We were here, right, and we were asleep, so it’s really realistic, you know? And there was this…this…thingy, this fiendish thingy, looked like a squirrel, it came in and stole the fucking boom box.959
MADISON (laughing): What?960
KEVIN: It was like a guy in a squirrel suit, actually. He came in, picked up the boom box, and walked out with it. It was fucking hilarious.961
MADISON: Man, you’re fucking crazy, I swear to God. Boom box is right over—962
(But it is gone.)963
MADISON: Fuck, man, where’d it go?964
KEVIN: Squirrel Man took it.965
MADISON: Apparently.966
(A BUM walks in the door.967
This bum is RAIN, the tremendous madman from Bohemian Rhapsody of whom so much mention has been made. He has fallen from his former glory—nearly a year after his rejection of Natalia, he has found no one to join with and is therefore a ragged and penniless shadow of himself. He wears a coat and various other filthy garments; he has a huge beard and wild hair. He slouches against a wall. Madison and Kevin stare openly.)968
MADISON (muttering): Here comes the Sewer Man, fat and round, to dance in the open streets and declare himself to the blueness of the infinite sky.969
KEVIN (muttering): His eyes tell of long years entrenched in solitude and misery; he wears his years on his sleeve.970
BOTH (shouting, realizing at the same time): Literally!971
(They crack up laughing.)972
MADISON: Motherfucker looks completely crazy, man.973
KEVIN: Crazy like a fox!974
MADISON: Yeah, like a fox that’s past his prime. Like a fox that’s singing the blues. Like a fox with salt in his eyes. Like a fox whose piss is purple. Like a fox in pumpkin pie.975
(Kevin has been chuckling at each one of these.)976
KEVIN: Like a fox licking crumbs off an alleycat’s ass!977
(They both laugh. Rain finally takes notice. The following tremendous speech is hazy; he is constantly on the verge of losing his train of thought, or indeed of passing out completely. It should nonetheless be stirring.)978
RAIN: Hey, fuck you guys, man. Do you know who the fuck I am? Do you? You know I am? Who am I…I’m Rain, man! I live here, I always have. This is my fuckin’ home! So don’t you fucking dare to come in here laughing at me, staring at my ass, because this place, this crazy place is my fucking home. You know, if you two weren’t so fucking…hazy…and out of focus, I’d fucking kill you, man, I swear to God. But listen. You two have gotta listen. There was me, that is Rain…and there was Baba…and there was Alanna—and there were more people than that. But they were off and around places…they were all fucking drunk and shit, I don’t know. That’s how my story would start, if I was ever to write it down or whatever…the whole fuckin’ thing, man, and I don’t just mean the fire, because the fire’s not the fucking point of the story! That’s what everyone talks about, man, but it isn’t the fucking point. The story’s not about Baba and me, how we went to prison…although we did. Supposedly we’re still there. But we’re not fucking there, man. Baba…I fucking killed his ass. But fuck him, man. Now this is the part you guys have to listen. There was this woman, this fuckin’ gorgeous, beautiful, beautiful woman. Natalia. This is the fucking point of the story, man. Natalia, she was so beautiful and good and just absolutely…she’s fucking incredible. Got me and Baba out of jail. Don’t know what the fuck happened to Baba. She’s more than a woman, you understand. She’s a fucking goddess. Here’s the part, man, here’s the point. You guys gotta listen. Natalia, what she taught me is that gods are only real if you make them real. You know? Like say I’m some fucking Christian, like I’m a fucking Baptist and I go to fucking Church every Sunday and whatever, all that bullshit. And I really believe in God, that He’s in Heaven and all that. So then…you know, so He’s in Heaven. And then say one day I just wake up and I’m like, fuck that shit, man, there’s no fucking God, he’s not in Heaven, it’s all bullshit, you know? So then…there isn’t a God anymore, not for me anyway. He doesn’t exist for me. So anyway that’s what Natalia taught me. She said, you know, gods and whatever, they can only limit you, fuck you up, you know, if you let them, if you believe in them…it’s all a fucking mad bohemian rhapsody. She was right, too. Course I didn’t know she was right until too late, and so I like, I pushed her away and shit. And now…I just wanna see her again, you know? I don’t know if I ever will. But it’d be fucking far-out…see her again…give her like a rose or something…979
(A tear runs down his cheek as he passes out, causing a BAG OF WEED to fall out of his coat.980
Madison and Kevin simply look him for a long time. Then Madison spots the bag.)981
MADISON: I say we take his weed, man!982
(Kevin laughs.)983
MADISON: Did you fucking catch what he was saying?984
KEVIN: Lot of bullshit about gods and a girl named Natalia.985
MADISON: This guy says he’s Rain.986
KEVIN: That he does.987
MADISON: Rain’s dead, though, you said so yourself.988
KEVIN: Dead as Dillinger.989
(Pause.)990
MADISON: When he wakes up let’s give him a lemon drop.991
KEVIN (laughing): Yes!992
INT. DRESSING ROOMS-AFTERNOON993
(Eliza is alone in the room, reading a book called Director’s Nightmare: 1001 Things That Could Go Wrong and Why Not to Panic When One of Them Does. Nicolas and Curfew walk in the door. Eliza does not notice. Curfew signals her questioningly; Nicolas shakes his head. He pulls a spoon from his pocket, blows on it, and puts it on his nose. Curfew takes it off his nose and hits Nicolas’s head with it. He then pulls a rubber chicken out of his pocket, puts it on his hand, squeezes it, and throws it away. The chicken has produced an egg on his hand. Curfew puts the egg in the spoon and the spoon in his mouth, and begins to walk. Nicolas trips him, and as Curfew falls he grabs Eliza’s book and begins reading it, at which point she finally realizes their presence.)994
NICOLAS (reading): It may be possible that a ferret is one of the animals used in the show, and furthermore it is possible for the ferret to shit on the stage.995
ELIZA: Give me that.996
NICOLAS: Have we got a ferret, then?997
ELIZA: No, it’s just a precaution. You two finally finished with the microphones?998
CURFEW (getting up, with egg on his face): Aye-aye, Cap’n.999
ELIZA: Took you long enough. Is your esteemed cousin finished tuning?1000
NICOLAS & CURFEW: I think so.1001
(Nicolas elbows Curfew in the ribs.)1002
NICOLAS: I think she went, though.1003
ELIZA: Went where?1004
NICOLAS (as per A Hard Day’s Night): Down the, uhh…1005
CURFEW: Oh, down the uhh…1006
NICOLAS: Yeah, down the uhh…1007
CURFEW: Oh, well, we better give her a few minutes, then.1008
ELIZA: What are you talking about?1009
CURFEW: Nothing you’d be interested in, I’m sure.1010
(He bats his eyelashes at her furiously. Andromeda walks in the door.)1011
ANDROMEDA: Good news!1012
ELIZA: Good news?1013
ANDROMEDA: Good news.1014
CURFEW: And what is that, praytell?1015
ANDROMEDA: Ned has tuned the piano.1016
(Nicolas and Curfew find this hilarious.)1017
NICOLAS: Has he really, now.1018
ANDROMEDA: Yeah.1019
CURFEW: I suspect you won’t be quite prepared for the end result of this halfhearted attempt.1020
ELIZA: Are you sure?1021
ANDROMEDA: Of course I’m sure. Me and Jenilea have been watching him for the past hour.1022
NICOLAS: I’m sure you were keeping a very close eye on him.1023
CURFEW: Yeah, when you were gasping for breath between plunges into the erotic unknown.1024
ANDROMEDA: Shut up!1025
ELIZA: What I meant was, are you sure he’s capable of it? Does he know how to tune a piano?1026
ANDROMEDA: Of course he does.1027
(This is too much; Nicolas and Curfew crack up hard.)1028
ANDROMEDA (ignoring them): He was very confident; I let him.1029
ELIZA: Very well. Let’s go see if it’s true.1030
(The whole group walks out.)1031
INT. BACKSTAGE CORRIDOR-AFTERNOON1032
(The group is walking down the corridor, Andromeda in the lead, followed by Eliza, then Nicolas and Curfew.)1033
NICOLAS: Ah, this is the limit, innit, Curfew?1034
CURFEW: Wonder what he’s actually done?1035
NICOLAS: Ned? Don’t think we’ll ever know.1036
ELIZA: You two are making me nervous. Hush.1037
INT. REHEARSAL ROOM-AFTERNOON1038
(Jenilea is dozing in the chair where the girls were making out; Ned walks forward to greet the entourage.)1039
ELIZA: You’ve tuned the piano, have you?1040
(Ned bows graciously. Eliza and Andromeda go forward to inspect it. Ned is beckoned over to join the stooges.)1041
NICOLAS: What have you actually done, then?1042
(Ned motions over his shoulder and laughs noiselessly. Nicolas and Curfew realize that he actually has ‘tuned’ it.)1043
CURFEW: You haven’t.1044
(Ned nods eagerly.)1045
NICOLAS: Bloody hell. What’s gonna happen?1046
(Ned shrugs cheerfully.)1047
NICOLAS: You’re in trouble now, Neddy.1048
(Ned holds his fingers to his lips and signals them to watch. Andromeda has sat at the piano.)1049
ELIZA: Are you sure you should play it, Andromeda?1050
ANDROMEDA: Of course. You worry too much, Eliza. Just relax.1051
(She raises her hands and plays a tremendous chord; the entire instrument COLLAPSES in a clang and a clatter and a cloud of smoke. Jenilea is jerked awake and falls off her chair. Eliza and Andromeda can only stare at the remains; Nicolas and Curfew stare at Ned, shaking their heads, half in admiration and half in condemnation.)1052
CURFEW (brightly, after a long silence): Anyone for tennis?1053
(Ned views this as a capital punch line, and silently cracks up; Nicolas gives up and goes to sit down on the now-vacated chair. Eliza turns with unconveyable fury to Ned.)1054
ELIZA: You…1055
(She seizes up the frying pan from the table. Ned realizes his danger and runs out the door; Eliza follows him, the frying pan held on high. The doorway, however, is not high enough to accommodate the frying pan, so it is knocked backwards, and Eliza’s arm brings it in a windmill motion till it hits her full in the face and she faints.)1056
INT. CAFE-AFTERNOON1057
(Ned rushes onto the otherwise empty stage; Yellek Elocin is still down the uhh. The microphones have been set up properly. When he realizes nobody is following him, he is relieved; he picks up Yellek Elocin’s violin from the piano and, after tuning it for a few moments, begins to play a charming little ditty. Presently Yellek Elocin comes into the café and hurries towards the stage.)1058
YELLEK ELOCIN (in a panic): Ned!1059
(Ned, flustered, lets the violin bow soar out of his fingers, and it lands right in front of the door leading backstage. Eliza comes out of this door, rubbing her head, and her heels decimate the bow with a sinister, echoing CRACK!1060
Close-ups on all three: Yellek Elocin looking thunderstruck; Eliza looking extremely apprehensive; Ned looking worriedly between the two women. Focus back to Yellek Elocin, who theatrically spreads her arms wide and gives a BLOODCURDLING SHRIEK to the heavens. In the middle of this shriek, with no warning whatsoever, CUT to the following.)1061
INT. CAR-AFTERNOON1062
(Yellek Elocin is driving, her face set rigidly. We stay focused on her for a ridiculously long time; her expression does not change; the only variation is the scenery behind her, through the window.)1063
EXT. CITY STREET-AFTERNOON1064
(Yellek Elocin’s car pulls up to a parking space in front of a store called LORELEI’S MUSIC EMPORIUM. She gets out in a huff, inspects the place with disdain, and walks in.)1065
INT. LORELEI’S MUSIC EMPORIUM-AFTERNOON1066
(It is a subdued, mysterious, dusty place; the store and its keeper are based on OLLIVANDER from the Harry Potter series. Classical instruments of all types are shelved in boxes, hanging from the walls, resting inside glass display cases. Yellek Elocin looks around, walks over to a row of bows hanging on a wall. She appraises them scornfully.)1067
LORELEI (OS): Turn around.1068
(Yellek Elocin looks around, startled. She sees LORELEI, the proprietor, sitting serenely behind the counter, staring at her calmly. Lorelei’s grey hair is thick and still slightly colored; it hangs off her head in a manner reminiscent of a witch or a Druid. She wears a cerulean dress of some light fabric. Rings of thick gold and jewels adorn her fingers; around her neck are a few simple but ornate necklaces. She is the embodiment of incense and dust and the fathomless mystery of ages and magic.)1069
LORELEI: You’re Yellek Elocin, aren’t you.1070
YELLEK ELOCIN (proudly): I am.1071
LORELEI: The violinist.1072
YELLEK ELOCIN: Yes.1073
LORELEI: You have amazing dexterity and skill, young lady.1074
YELLEK ELOCIN (bowing slightly): Thank you, Madame Lorelei. I assume that is who you are?1075
LORELEI (oblivious to her question): Unfortunately, your feel for music is not what it could be.1076
YELLEK ELOCIN (an eastern-European demand): What?1077
LORELEI: Your latest CD, of Tchaikovsky’s violin concerto, for example. It was technically excellent—but musically it was not worth much.1078
YELLEK ELOCIN (approaching her): It is the finest record of the Tchaikovsky since Heifetz!1079
LORELEI: Jascha Heifetz, yes…another unfortunate virtuoso. I should recommend you to the works of Nicolò Paganini.1080
YELLEK ELOCIN (deadly calm): Paganini is the God of the violin.1081
LORELEI (sighing): You are so young…your beauty is like your talent, Miss Elocin: it is striking, bold, but completely shallow.1082
(Yellek Elocin has finally met her match. She turns away in anger.)1083
LORELEI: Why have you come here?1084
YELLEK ELOCIN: My bow has broken. (She spins around again in her ejaculation.) $15,000! A bow of the nineteenth century, a contemporary of Fritz Kreisler…it will be months to fix it, and then it will still be mediocre.1085
LORELEI: Not if you have brought it here.1086
YELLEK ELOCIN: There is no time! I have a performance tonight!1087
(She holds her head in her hands.)1088
LORELEI: Really? I was not aware of this. May I ask where?1089
YELLEK ELOCIN (ashamed to say it): The Café Olé. 1090
LORELEI: What did you say?1091
YELLEK ELOCIN: The Café Olé. 1092
LORELEI: Ah. That is an exceedingly interesting place, Miss Elocin. You are ashamed, are you not, to perform there—you think it is beneath you—why are you doing it?1093
YELLEK ELOCIN: A friend of mine asked me to perform with her. It is where we have chosen.1094
LORELEI: I see.1095
(Pause.)1096
LORELEI: There are our bows there, on the wall. Choose whichever you like.1097
YELLEK ELOCIN: This is all you have? I was told this is the finest place for instruments in the city!1098
LORELEI (a little harder, not so mystical): And so it is, Miss Elocin, if you leave your ego behind you and look, not for the most expensive, but for the most effective in your bow.1099
YELLEK ELOCIN: None of these are more than a hundred years.1100
LORELEI (mystical again): Neither are you. Does that mean you are not satisfactory either?1101
(Yellek Elocin strides up to her desk, ready to deliver a crushing remark—but thinks better of it.)1102
YELLEK ELOCIN (softly): What do you recommend?1103
LORELEI: What was that?1104
YELLEK ELOCIN (louder, through gritted teeth): What do you recommend, Madame Lorelei?1105
LORELEI (getting up and moving to the rack): Well…everything I sell, I set great faith in. Any of these is commendable…but I think this one would do you the most good. Made by Alessandro Vicario, 1927.1106
YELLEK ELOCIN (loathing): Vicario!1107
LORELEI: Yes, Vicario. Priced at $9,500. I really think this is what you need, Miss Elocin. (She walks back to the counter and, as she continues to speak, she polishes the wood and puts it in a long velvet box.) Alessandro Vicario was the most skilled maker of violins since Stradivarius. I read that you use a Stradivarius instrument, which is of course the best. A Vicario bow is designed for smoothness of tone, and shifts marvelously between strings. When playing fast passages, it will grip the string better than almost any other bow, producing a clean and rich tone that sounds almost too human to be human. And of course, I advise you to bring your damaged bow back here for repairs—I will be glad to be of service.1108
(The box sits on the glass counter. Yellek Elocin cannot say anything. She simply draws out her pocketbook, writes Lorelei a check for the bow, and walks out the door with it.)1109
INT. CAVERN-AFTERNOON1110
(Rain is still passed out against the wall. Madison and Kevin are sitting around, somewhat bored.)1111
MADISON: What time is this crazy concert at, again?1112
KEVIN: 1930.1113
MADISON: Well, then, we better go, in case we hit rush hour or something.1114
KEVIN: It’s Sunday.1115
MADISON: I’m bored.1116
KEVIN: Fair enough, let’s go.1117
(They pick up their things and start to head out; Kevin notices Rain.)1118
KEVIN: Do you think he’s dead?1119
MADISON: Nah. Drunk, asleep, stoned off his ass, but not dead. He’ll wake up like Mia Wallace not knowing where he is, I wish I could be around to see it.1120
(They walk out.)1121
EXT. CAVERN-AFTERNOON1122
(It is around 1800. Madison and Kevin come out, lugging their equipment. They put it in the trunk.)1123
MADISON: I want to know where the fuck the boom box is, man.1124
KEVIN: That is fucking freaky, because I swear, some guy in a squirrel suit took it.1125
MADISON: Some guy probably took it, squirrel suit notwithstanding. It pisses me off.1126
(Beat. Madison leans against the car.)1127
MADISON: Kevin, I swear, this has been one of the worst days, artistically speaking, we have ever had, don’t you think?1128
KEVIN: Not necessarily. That bum in there could serve some purpose.1129
MADISON: That’s true, but still. Been fucking asleep and playing chess and bullshit all day while Andromeda’s been playing with fucking Yellek Elocin. I can’t stand to be outdone by her like this, man.1130
KEVIN: Nah, we just make something up. Tell ‘em we’ve got the beginnings of some new and exciting thing, some idea we had three years ago, she won’t remember it.1131
MADISON: That works, I guess. Let’s go.1132
(They get in and drive off.)1133
INT. CAR-AFTERNOON1134
(Kevin is driving into the city.)1135
MADISON: So what do you think we should say we thought of?1136
KEVIN: Something that we did absolutely no work on, so there’s no proof we thought of it before.1137
MADISON: Like what, man? All I can think of is that stupid Ronald Reagan film, and we did a ton of shit on that.1138
KEVIN: Well, we came out here to do Grotowski, didn’t we?1139
MADISON: Yeah, man, that’s right. I fucking forgot all about it.1140
KEVIN: So tell ‘em we did some fucking minimalism with, like, fruit or something. Not fruit…but yeah, fruit. Fruit on strings, maybe, like flying around the room. You know what I mean?1141
MADISON: That’s not Grotowski.1142
KEVIN: So what, it’s not like Andromeda knows that. If it’s just to save our ass. And besides, I like that idea. Just pieces of fruit floating around the room? Passive art, you know.1143
MADISON: Yeah, I know what you’re saying. Fair enough.1144
(Pause.)1145
KEVIN: Holy crap, it’s a hitchhiker.1146
MADISON: Where?1147
KEVIN: Over there, man, the cat with long hair sticking his thumb out.1148
MADISON: Cool. Hey, Kevin, pick him up, man.1149
KEVIN (slowing down): Seriously?1150
MADISON: Definitely. Looks like an interesting guy.1151
(He rolls down the window, pokes his head out, and beckons.)1152
MADISON (shouting): Hey, dude, get in here! All aboard the Thompson Express, bound for the moon!1153
(The back door opens and PAUL comes in. Paul is a total pothead—but instead of having that surfer-dude accent, which I find incredibly annoying, he’s just mellow and out of it.)1154
PAUL: Thanks for the ride, man.1155
KEVIN: No problem. Where are you headed?1156
PAUL: I don’t know…I’m going home.1157
MADISON (whispering): Motherfucker’s almost as bad as the bum in the cavern.1158
KEVIN: We’re going to the Café Olé. 1159
PAUL: Yeah, yeah, that’s cool. That’s cool. I like the Café Olé. I’ll go there.1160
KEVIN: Fair enough.1161
(Kevin starts driving again. Pause.)1162
PAUL: You guys smoke pot?1163
MADISON: Occasionally.1164
PAUL: Cuz I got some, man, if you wanna buy.1165
MADISON: Kevin?1166
KEVIN: No thanks, dude. We have our own connections.1167
PAUL: Cool.1168
(Pause.)1169
PAUL: Hey, man, you ever get down with Datura?1170
MADISON: Down with what?1171
PAUL: Datura, man. It’s the most powerful shit…it puts acid to shame and shrooms aren’t even fucking close. Side effects include possible paralysis, blindness, and death…I can tell you all about its effects.1172
(Madison and Kevin share a look.)1173
MADISON: Do tell, O my brother.1174
PAUL: My homie told me it’s a cousin of deadly nightshade, actually. But whatever. It’s this plant, right, you eat the seeds of the plant. So me and my friend, we ate some of these seeds, and at first it was really narcotic, I fell asleep, but when I woke up I was in another world, man. The floor was all waving along like the ocean and my other friend was there so I started talking to him but I blinked and he was gone. So then I went on the roof, I don’t know how I got there, man, but I was there, and I realized I was there and I freaked the fuck out…the window was fucking locked, I was fucking stuck up there man. No idea how I got down, I was gibbering like a dried-up cunt; the cotton mouth is so bad a gallon of water doesn’t even begin to help. Then my homie went fucking nuts, he told me he was floating through the ceiling and he was talking to another friend of ours, but it was really a sheet. He was in the fucking bathroom mumbling to a stick of deodorant for half an hour, he thought he was playing basketball with my brother. Then he was picking scorpions off my dad, who was in Kansas City at the time, and stomping on the scorpions and talking to the wall and pressing imaginary buttons. It was fucking insane. We sold a bunch of it after it wore off but a bunch of guys ended up in the psych ward and this one dude caught on fire.1175
(He rolls a joint as Madison leans over to whisper to Kevin. They agree on something.)1176
PAUL: Dude, I fucking love my little weed woman.1177
MADISON: Weed woman?1178
PAUL: Yeah…I made this little doll out of weed stems, man…OK, I didn’t really do that. But it’d be fucked-up if I did…like some stalker or rapist or serial killer or fruit bat…yeah.1179
MADISON & KEVIN: Fruit bat!1180
(They laugh uproariously. Paul takes a big puff and doesn’t get it.)1181
MADISON (whispering): Do it here, man.1182
(Kevin pulls over to the side of the road.)1183
KEVIN: Here we are: Café Olé, women’s apparel, lingerie, and dildos. Please step out.1184
PAUL: We here already? Fuck, man…was I asleep?1185
MADISON: You were talking about Datura.1186
PAUL: Fuck, man, really? Hey, man, you ever get down with Datura?1187
KEVIN: No, we discussed that already. Get out, we have to park the car.1188
PAUL: Yeah, that’s cool.1189
(He opens the door.)1190
MADISON: Wait, dude, before you go, have a lemon drop.1191
(Kevin stifles a giggle.)1192
PAUL: What? I don’t want a lemon drop.1193
MADISON (conspiratorially): This shit is laced with acid, dude.1194
PAUL: Fuck, seriously? How much?1195
MADISON (proffering it): My gift to you.1196
PAUL: Woah, man, thanks. Thanks a fucking load, man. (He takes one.) Toke on, dudes.1197
(He gets out and closes the door. Kevin drives away, fast. The two laugh like madmen and high-five.)1198
MADISON: Fuck yes, motherfucker! That was some class.1199
KEVIN: Where’d we leave him, man?1200
MADISON: I don’t even fucking know.1201
(They laugh again.)1202
KEVIN: Did you dig what he was fucking saying, man?1203
MADISON: That was some trippy shit. Ask Andromeda if she knows what it’s all about.1204
KEVIN: We going back now for real?1205
MADISON: Café Olé or bust, O my droog.1206
(Fade-out as they drive.)1207
INT. REHEARSAL ROOM-EVENING1208
(The remains of the piano are gone. The three stooges are alone in the room, looking around. There is a mess of wires at the back of the room; Curfew plucks one.)1209
NICOLAS: Are we all set then?1210
CURFEW: It’s fucking right as rain.1211
NICOLAS: Brilliant. This was an high-class job you done, Ned.1212
(Ned straightens up proudly and gives the thumbs-up.)1213
CURFEW: Right, well, now is the time for all good men and all that sort of rubbish.1214
NICOLAS: I’ll go get her.1215
(He ducks under a wire and slips out the slightly-open door—careful not to open it any wider—and into the dressing rooms.)1216
INT. DRESSING ROOMS-AFTERNOON1217
(Eliza is talking to the three performers.)1218
ELIZA: I wouldn’t make any guarantees, knowing what’s been happening with the—what is it, Nicolas?1219
NICOLAS: We’ve got something that needs to be attended to, in the rehearsal room.1220
ELIZA: I’ll be there in a minute.1221
(Nicolas goes out.)1222
ELIZA: As I said, I wouldn’t make any guarantees, what with all the hysteria that’s been going on, but one thing I do know is that you three are a class act. Everyone knows Miss Elocin is wonderful, but you two as well, you two are highly talented. This is good for the Café, this is the kind of thing it needs, a sort of respectability. You three are just the sort of people to lend that respectability. Break a leg. Now if you’ll excuse me…1223
(She walks, annoyed, out of the room. Everyone in the room relaxes. Yellek Elocin is furiously examining and trying out her new bow; Andromeda leans in to kiss Jenilea.)1224
JENILEA: No, Andromeda, stop. I need to concentrate.1225
ANDROMEDA: All right. You OK?1226
JENILEA: I’m just nervous.1227
INT. BACKSTAGE CORRIDOR-AFTERNOON1228
(Eliza walks briskly down to the end.)1229
INT. REHEARSAL ROOM-AFTERNOON1230
(Eliza opens and walks through the door. On top of the door is balanced a bucket of water which falls on her head, dousing her, then falls off and lands right-side up in front of her. Flustered, she steps into it, trips, and falls forward, pulling a wire which causes two weights to swing forward, knocking over two rows of piano keys set up like dominos on the rafters. The paths of the keys merge and the last key falls off the rafters, through a series of piano wires strung between the walls, and onto a mousetrap, which snaps and jumps and lands on a button that releases a swinging mechanism that swings a banana into Eliza’s open mouth. The stooges are lined up against the wall, watching; when it is finished, they hold up judging signs. Nicolas: 8.7; Curfew: 9.2; Ned: 8.4.)1231
INT. CAFE-EVENING1232
(The café has transformed into a theatre of sorts. The space is full of chairs set up in rows; they are all filled. A spotlight is on the stage. JACOB NEWMAN, his scraggly long hair hanging limply from his head, wears a suit and stands in the spotlight behind a microphone. He wears dark glasses. He is perhaps the worst public speaker ever.)1233
NEWMAN: Ladies and gentlemen. I am Jacob Newman, the owner, proprietor, and resident idiot at this fine establishment. I wanna welcome you, all of you, to the Café Olé. 1234
INT. BACKSTAGE-EVENING1235
(The three performers are waiting backstage in a dimly-lit room, whispering to each other. Jenilea is on the verge of panic; the other two are calm. We hear Jacob Newman talking, but his words are unintelligible.)1236
YELLEK ELOCIN: Who is this man?1237
JENILEA: Jacob Newman, apparently. He owns the place.1238
ANDROMEDA: He’s fucking mad, the greatest guy in the world.1239
JENILEA: So guys, the program goes Kreisler-Mendelssohn-Paganini-Elocin-Ravel, right?1240
ANDROMEDA: Yeah.1241
YELLEK ELOCIN: That is correct.1242
JENILEA: Break a leg, everybody.1243
ANDROMEDA: Break a leg.1244
YELLEK ELOCIN: Yekstrachen.1245
INT. CAFE-EVENING1246
(Back to the stage.)1247
NEWMAN: I’d like to thank all of you ladies and gentlemen for coming out here to support the Café and the arts and all that shit…this is the first time that we’ve had a musician of this incredible reputation and ability here, the first time we’ve done real…real…high-class music here. Well, ladies and gentlemen, without further ado: the world-famous Yellek Elocin!1248
(The crowd erupts. Yellek Elocin enters in a dazzling red dress, her hair done up magnificently, her face made up like a kabuki actor’s. She walks to the microphone just vacated by Newman.)1249
YELLEK ELOCIN: Thank you graciously, ladies and gentlemen.1250
(She bows deeply. The crowd continues to clap and whistle, finally subduing.)1251
YELLEK ELOCIN: Thank you. For many years, I have had the privilege of knowing an extremely talented young dancer by the name of Jenilea Maximillian.1252
(Two people are heard applauding loudly and whooping; we see that it is Madison and Kevin, near the back of the room.)1253
YELLEK ELOCIN: Jenilea and I had always wanted to do a performance together. I promised a few months ago that after my Tchaikovsky album was finished, I would come out here and give a show.1254
(Scattered applause.)1255
YELLEK ELOCIN: Jenilea contacted me a few weeks ago and asked if I knew a number of pieces for piano and violin, and I said yes, and she said Good, because I have a friend who would like to perform with us on the piano. So now, ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you Jenilea Maximillian and Andromeda George.1256
(The two girls walk out, in outfits complementing Yellek Elocin’s; Jenilea’s obviously must allow her to dance. Applause from the audience; rapture from Madison and Kevin. They bow. Jenilea ducks her head into Yellek Elocin’s microphone.)1257
JENILEA (as Julia Roberts winning an Oscar): I’d just like to thank my cat, for teaching me everything I know…1258
(Laughter. Andromeda shakes her head fondly and sits at the piano, playing a loud flourish which is greeted with enthusiasm by the audience.)1259
JENILEA: Thank you. For our first piece we’re doing Fritz Kreisler’s Praeludium and Allegro.1260
(She sets herself up as Yellek Elocin raises her instrument. Violinist and pianist cue each other to begin the piece.1261
During the Praeludium the mood is austere; Jenilea striking poses and flowing smoothly between them. This whole performance section must have the feel of a first-class concert film, with high-class cinematography and wonderful dancing, emotion from the two musicians. As the Praeludium draws to an end, Jenilea seems to take a bow—but before the audience can applaud, the rollicking Allegro begins, and Jenilea begins leaping and bounding across the front of the stage dazzlingly.1262
But something is WRONG. Once or twice Jenilea pauses, Satine-like, to catch her breath in the middle of it; always she moves on. Then, in the cadenza section, she begins to totally lose it; as it builds, so does her distress; as the cadenza crashes down she COLLAPSES on the ground. Yellek Elocin and Andromeda immediately jump up and go to her; but the music, ferocious now in the end, continues. Pandemonium, silent under the music. Jacob Newman rushes blindly on. The audience is looking back and forth at each other in shock. Madison and Kevin are flabbergasted. At the first low, simmering note of the coda, Jenilea suddenly wakes up and GASPS for air, as if breaking the surface of water; the camera does a tremendous, Moulin Rouge-esque zoom-out to the exterior of the Café Olé, where the final chord fades into the siren of an ambulance that pulls up into the parking lot.)1263
INT. AMBULANCE-EVENING1264
(There can be no humor whatsoever in this scene. It is the back of the ambulance in the parking lot; a DOCTOR sits there. The door is open. A NURSE leads Jenilea into the thing.)1265
JENILEA: What the fuck just happened, man?1266
NURSE: They said you collapsed, onstage.1267
JENILEA: Oh, fuck…shit…Goddammit…1268
(She begins to cry.)1269
DOCTOR: That’s all right, don’t worry about it. We’re only acting in your best interests.1270
(The nurse wraps a blood-pressure thingy around her arm and puffs it.)1271
DOCTOR (while this occurs): Do you have any kind of a history of fainting, blackouts, epilepsy, any of that kind of thing?1272
JENILEA: No, none at all.1273
DOCTOR: Any of that in your family?1274
JENILEA: Not that I’m aware of. Look, I’m fine, OK? Just let me go.1275
NURSE (reading the device): 110 over 67.1276
DOCTOR: That’s not good. Low blood pressure? Have you had problems with low blood pressure before?1277
JENILEA: No.1278
DOCTOR: What have you had to eat today?1279
JENILEA (suddenly defensive): Why?1280
DOCTOR: Well, if you haven’t eaten properly, before you do something rigorous like dancing, that may be the solution.1281
JENILEA: I had some orange juice for breakfast. And half a slice of pizza with Andromeda, that’s all.1282
NURSE: And the plot thickens.1283
DOCTOR: That’s all?1284
JENILEA: Yes, that’s all.1285
DOCTOR (after a moment’s pause): How much do you weigh?1286
JENILEA (a cornered animal): Don’t ask me that. I don’t know. Don’t fucking ask me that, I don’t know.1287
DOCTOR: I think you do know, I think you think about it all the time.1288
JENILEA (shouting): 116, OK? A hundred sixteen pounds. You wanted to know, there you go.1289
NURSE (feeling her ribs): Goddamn, you could play the fucking xylophone on her ribcage.1290
JENILEA: Look, fuck off, you two, I do not have a fucking eating disorder or anything, OK?1291
DOCTOR: The first stage is always denial, Miss Maximilli—1292
JENILEA: Shut the fuck up with your psychiatric bullshit! I’m fat, OK? I can’t be fucking anorexic, can I. I’m fat.1293
DOCTOR: We’ll take you to Harrison’s.1294
JENILEA (screaming): I’m not fucking anorexic! Let me go, goddamn you!!1295
DOCTOR (as the big doors close): Just settle down, Miss Maximillian.1296
(The ambulance drives off.)1297
INT. DRESSING ROOMS-EVENING1298
(Andromeda is sitting, annoyed, in a chair; Yellek Elocin is pacing the floor. Madison and Kevin also sit in chairs. The three stooges hover near the door.)1299
YELLEK ELOCIN: Will she be all right?1300
ANDROMEDA: Of course she’ll be all right.1301
(A short pause; then Andromeda explodes.)1302
ANDROMEDA: Fuck, it pisses me off!1303
YELLEK ELOCIN: Do not worry. The performance was not the most important.1304
ANDROMEDA: I’m not talking about the stupid performance, Yellek, I’m talking about fucking anorexic bitches! They’re so fucking self-centered, preaching Holy Fucking Writ about their weight, make all the rest of us feel fat, and they’re just…aughhhhh.1305
MADISON: I swear to God, man, you meet the coolest bitch you’ve met in two years, and it turns out she’s a fucking sheep.1306
ANDROMEDA: Exactly. Following all the trends about you have to be thin, making me feel bad because I must’ve told her somehow that she wasn’t skinny enough for me…I fucking told her, man, I told her she should eat something before the performance, she refused.1307
YELLEK ELOCIN: I never thought it of my poor Jenilea…1308
ANDROMEDA: And the worst part of it is, I care so fucking much about her…1309
(A pause. Kevin pretends to just notice Yellek Elocin and jumps up before her.)1310
KEVIN: Oh my God, it’s Yellek Elocin! Could you sign my foot?1311
YELLEK ELOCIN (a declaration after a pause): I am going to visit her.1312
(She strides out the door, past her cousins.)1313
ANDROMEDA: I probably should do that as well, actually.1314
(She gets up to leave.)1315
MADISON: No, Anj, wait. We’ll all go together when we go, but first let’s talk.1316
(Andromeda turns around at the door; Ned takes the opportunity to take a pair of scissors out of his pocket and cut some of her hair off, certifying that he’s nothing but a pale Harpo Marx clone and that I’m totally unoriginal. The stooges have, of course, been totally unaffected by the somber mood of the goings-on.)1317
ANDROMEDA: Talk about what?1318
MADISON: What-all happened today, man! We’ve gotta have some kind of a pow-wow.1319
KEVIN (chuckling to himself): Pow-wow…1320
ANDROMEDA: What for?1321
KEVIN: At least let us tell you what we did today.1322
ANDROMEDA: OK.1323
KEVIN: We got the idea, we can’t do it at the Cavern, but we got the idea of doing this thing where we hang fruit from the ceiling, hopefully in a theatre or something…1324
MADISON: We did fuck-all today, is what we did. Kevin had that idea in the car coming home. But we saw some crazy shit. There was this crazy guy in the Cavern where we went, thought he was Rain. It was hilarious.1325
ANDROMEDA: Thought he was who?1326
KEVIN: Rain, you grahzny bratchny. The crazy veck.1327
(The stooges look at each other in disbelief.)1328
NICOLAS: Chelloveck ponies the nadsat-slang, O my brothers!1329
CURFEW: Me guttiwuts churn with delight.1330
(Madison and Kevin have hardly noticed the stooges; now they’re stoked.)1331
KEVIN: Well, fuck me in the ass and call me Steve! Who are these crazy vecks?1332
NICOLAS: Nicolas!1333
CURFEW: Curfew.1334
BOTH: And Ned.1335
(Ned bows.)1336
KEVIN: Curfew? Curfew?! Fucking get a load, Madison, he’s fucking English and his name is Curfew.1337
MADISON: All fucking hail.1338
CURFEW: You won’t be so clever when the cat has your tongue between his claws and he’s metamorphosing in ways your feeble American minds can’t even comprehend.1339
(Madison and Kevin look at each other; this is a formidable challenge.)1340
MADISON: Kevin and I come from the moon, my dear friends; we come in whirlwinds and dust storms and incredible electric toilet bowls; we come in the name of Poo.1341
(Nicolas has come to the lead of the stooges again. He holds up his finger to wait. He produces the small and furry inner shell of a coconut and tosses it into the air. Ned runs under it and it splits on his head. Nicolas and Curfew each catch one of the halves. Curfew looks in his and throws it away; Nicolas scoops out the semicircle of coconut meat within his half and places it like a hard hat on Curfew’s head.)1342
CURFEW (Monty Python falsetto): I’m Yellek Elocin!1343
(Ned hits him on the head; the coconut breaks and falls in two quarter-circles. Nicolas and Ned step onto these things, slip, fall backwards, and turn these falls into backflips that land triumphantly. Curfew has ‘fainted.’1344
Madison and Kevin are flabbergasted. As one, they bow to their knees.)1345
MADISON: All hail the Holy Goofs.1346
(The stooges jump back up in a line and bow. Madison, Kevin, and Andromeda clap for them.)1347
KEVIN: Who the fuck are these people, Anj?1348
ANDROMEDA: Yellek Elocin’s cousins.1349
KEVIN: You’re fucking kidding me.1350
ANDROMEDA: Not even. They’re crazy.1351
MADISON: So they played the practical jokes on her, then, while we were gone?1352
ANDROMEDA: Mostly they were pranking Eliza Barrymore, the director. (realizing): Where the hell did she go?1353
(Nicolas looks back at Curfew; Curfew looks back at Ned; Ned looks back at no one, realizes it and shrugs. Curfew then shrugs to Nicolas. Nicolas shrugs to Andromeda.)1354
ANDROMEDA: They don’t know.1355
(Madison and Kevin crack up.)1356
ANDROMEDA: But if that’s all, I think we should go visit Jeni, she’s probably there by now.1357
KEVIN: Probably should, yeah.1358
(Madison has had the most tremendous idea he has ever had, by the looks of it.)1359
MADISON (shrieking): Cheesefucking lesbian seagulls are eating Tokyo!!!!1360
(Everyone in the room stops everything to stare at him. In the silence, Ned cuts a button off the back of Curfew’s pants.)1361
KEVIN: You should’ve said that to the Englishmen, we’d’ve won the battle.1362
NICOLAS: You wish.1363
ANDROMEDA: What the hell are you attempting to signify, Madison?1364
MADISON: I just had the most fucking tremendous idea I’ve had in a long history of madman antics! Kevin, this is happy Yom Kippur at last!1365
NICOLAS (with a specific and inexplicable delivery): He’s a Jew.1366
(Ned jumps, his body stretched out, into his two brothers’ arms.)1367
NICOLAS & CURFEW: Mazel tov!1368
(They throw Ned onto Madison; he collapses. He pushes Ned off him as Kevin laughs and Andromeda stares.)1369
MADISON: Here’s the plot, O my brother: we make a film of today.1370
(Slow comprehension on Kevin’s face of how cool this idea is.)1371
ANDROMEDA: What?1372
MADISON: All the madman things that have happened today, beginning with you flashing me this morning, Andromeda. This has been a crazy fucking trip to Dr. Timothy Leary’s office, this whole day. You can tell us all about what went down here at the Café and we can work it with what went down at the Cavern and we’ll make a crazy film!1373
KEVIN (jumping up and down): Yes! Yes! Yes! You’re a cocaine-snorting genius, Madison! Hummus and catsup! Holy crap!1374
(They celebrate together.)1375
MADISON: The fucking Squirrel Man can be in it, man!1376
KEVIN: And the lemon drops!1377
MADISON: And Sally dumping the water on Jeni’s crazy head!1378
(They finally calm down.)1379
MADISON: What do you say, Anj? You want to help?1380
ANDROMEDA (strangely emotional): You want me in on one of your projects?1381
MADISON: Fuck yes! How else are we gonna know what-all went down here with these three crazy fucks and Yellek Elocin and all?1382
ANDROMEDA: I haven’t worked with you since we broke up.1383
MADISON: So? It’ll be tremendous! We’ll have a blast, I swear to God, and I have a feeling that we may actually complete this project.1384
KEVIN: I do as well, man.1385
ANDROMEDA (getting over the emotion): All right. On one condition.1386
MADISON: And that is?1387
ANDROMEDA: It’s all about me.1388
(Madison and Kevin chuckle.)1389
MADISON: Course it is, Anj, it’s on your shirt and everything.1390
KEVIN: Self-centered biznatch.1391
ANDROMEDA (suddenly realizing): Where the fuck is our food, man? I bet Sally ate it.1392
(Madison and Kevin laugh, almost nostalgically.)1393
MADISON: Come on, man, let’s get out of here, we have to go convince the anorexic bitch she’s hot.1394
ANDROMEDA: You’ve got a nice way of putting everything, Madison.1395
MADISON: Thank you.1396
(The three friends walk out the door, leaving only the stooges, for whom the whole previous discussion has been quite interesting. They look back and forth between each other for a while, and finally shrug. Nicolas and Curfew go out the door. Ned follows, hopefully including one last physical comedy routine involving leaving things in the room and taking two minutes to get out the door properly. It ends with him turning the light off and closing the door, leaving the screen in complete darkness. END CREDITS.)1397
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