The was things are #2

No one ever said it would be easy did they? But they never said it would be hard. I hate puberty; it’s one of the many things I blame for what I feel. And what do I feel? I feel like I don’t belong. I hate my parents and I don’t belong with my friends. I realise I’m taking things for granted. I have friends who love me all I have to do is embrace it, but that’s stupid why take love when I don’t want it? But then again why be alone when I can have friends? All I want is one friend someone who truly understands me. But I don’t want that friend to be a townie I want her/him to be a grunge, so they can’t say to me 1

“Err you dirty little grunge.” 2

I’m not even a grunge.3

Wow I listen to Good Charlotte and rock. I realise half this world doesn’t even like Good Charlotte they all go:4

“Good Charlotte isn’t rock.”5

Well I didn’t say they were so there you go.6

Good Charlotte are people I have a passion for, I love them and I like Joel the most. 7

Then comes another problem for the black girl.8

You can’t like someone who is white. Yet it’s okay for Sarah to like Pharrel Williams even though he’s black.9

Everything is alright for everyone else but me.10

God hates me but then sometimes I believe he loves me. You know why because I’m a fool. I believe I have a gift. There is something wrong with all my friends. Something they don’t tell me like I don’t tell them. And God has shown me that, yet I don’t believe they deal with issues like me. Not my parents and not constantly battling themselves, not crying over useless stupid things. I also believe he loves me because I get over the bad parts in my life. Though I’m sitting here calling him God, I’m not religious. Religion doesn’t appeal to me, I so confused about life and rules in religion annoy me. God made his world and new it would develop, he made his bible and new that in this new world people would question him. Why? Why make a world that will question your authority? Why not make a world that will just obey your every command, rid them of free will and they will never know it exists. But he didn’t, he made it all complicated. I believe in Christianity it’s the only religion I’ve known. They bible says some very intelligent stuff, but some of it is stupid. The one thing I hate most is people dissing Christianity. That is something I have always felt strongly about it’s like a secret passion and I don’t know why I have it. Fair enough people don’t agree with the religion but to say the whole bible is bullshit is insulting, there are people that believe this and you insult the. Yet if someone insults something you feel strongly about it’s the end of the world. Though Christianity is important to me, I do know about other religions and their beliefs e.g. Islam, Buddhism, Judaism, and Wicca. There is one religion that I cannot tolerate at all; Satanism. I can even call that a religion more a cult. I cannot believe the use the Christian cross and turn it the other way, so they may believe that the bible is a load of shit but to take the piss out of something people believe so strongly about it disgusting. I girl on the internet once told me that Satanism is about self worship. I have to question that I really do and I found out my question but it’s too hard to explain in writing.11

Laughter is so powerful. I laugh all the time, though I’m in my time of sadness I laugh at the stupidest things. My friend R and Sarah make me laugh especially R. But I can laugh at the dumbest things and feel sad after. But laughter is good for you I read and I love laughing. Yet laughter is not always used for making people happy. During the three years in secondary school I’ve never though anyone talked about me behind my back and I still don’t. But then one of the girls in my form will say something to me and everyone will laugh most of the time it won’t bother me other times it hurts. 12

If there is one thing I’m confident about it people talking about me. I don’t believe people do it. Or rather my friends. Because I don’t start off bitching sessions and I come off as a nice person. My friends might bitch about me as I do about them but something in my head tells me they don’t, that I’m safe, that bitching is one less thing I have to worry about.13

I realise I come off a normal person but I’m not. I have four scars on my arm. From a razor blade. I don’t understand cutters. I cut but not deep and now I have four scars that won’t leave me. You may think well duh, but I have cut before and just as deep as the other four and they didn’t leave scars. I think God is showing me a sign – that’s what I get for cutting and if I cut anymore he will plague my body with scars. It hurts too much and I have stopped, hurting myself because others hurt me is not doing anyone any good.  Now I have fours dark brown scars in my light brown skin. And J the one person it thought I could count on told. She told T and F and they thought it was some kind of joke. They totally took the piss. Well F did, T got a bit serious after saying well if she cuts she cuts us doing this to her is going to make her any better. I could have cried and thanked her then, but that would just add her to my problems because she gets on my nerves half the time. To me friendship is hell, especially my group it’s too big, in my opinion I’d rather have one best friend and the rest close friends. Do you know how J found out? She read my journal on kiwibox and I know and she knows that I know but we never speak about it.14