The Present1
The family portrait hung on the wall where it always did. Nothing had changed. 2
The years had passed. Cobwebs had acquired life. Dust caked the mantle pieces, and the floorboards. 3
It was all quaint. Too cliché. I expected a skeleton to jump from within the closet, and when nothing supernatural sprung out, and reached for my legs. I switched on the dining room light, feeling disappointed.4
I watched the ceiling, waiting for any flattering activity, and when nothing occurred I dusted the ancient casing around the light, stepping further into the dinning room, and closed my eyes breathing in the musty atmosphere that was my childhood home.5
This was my home. My parents had lived their entire adult lives in this house. They had bared children, raised children, and freed children into the world together. They had died together in this house. Both within the span of a year, after my youngest sibling had grown his wings, and flown of into the wind that was reality, and independence.6
It had been my name that had been written under all the possessions on my fathers will. Including the house that I stood in. On my mothers will I had acquired her charming, Devonshire teapot collection dating to an era I could not recall, and never cared to. And a collection of hand-me-down lace doily’s. Neither of which I would have any use for. Let alone need.7
I was a city girl. A modern girl. I liked crisp, simple, décor. I ate out of Chinese take-away boxes. I owned a studio that was my home, and now a home that was nothing more than a box of faded memories, and a reminder of the spirits that lived within the walls of time.8
There was nothing about this house that made me jump up, and down with excitement. If anything, my mere presence in this house bored me into suffocation. It always had, and I could not fathom my father’s reasoning behind his choice on leaving the house to me. 9
I would need fresh air sooner or later. It was a given.10
“Hello. I’m home,” I said smiling softly to myself. I sniffed the asphyxiating, air, and choked back the smell of ancient history. “What’s cooking?11
I pulled up a chair. My chair. The chair I has sat in since the day my mother disposed of my highchair. Forcing me to sit at the table with the rest of the family, like an adult. At the tender age of three. 12
I laughed, looking around the room.13
How my mother had thrown me into life at such an early stage. Now all she had to show for it was the remains of my parents sixties years of an unbroken marriage locked inside a house that I now owned. As to the why- I would never find out.14
I hoped my father knew. Wherever he was now. That his decision would forever be an epic fail on my part.15
Dinner. I was getting hungry.16
I wondered if all the food has been cleared, and taken away when my parents had died, or whether my mothers collection of canned food was still stored in the pantry where she had kept them hidden them for emergency starvation. 17
I would check the labels first, If they still remained sealed in the back of her haven. I had made the mistake once before, and while it had been the most efficient way to loose my preteen winter coat. I would not suggest the idea to anyone who could not stomach a forty-eight hour famine with nothing more than stomach acid to keep you alive, and squirming for your dear life.18
I was hungry, but was I ‘that’ Hungry?19
I stood up, and pushed my chair underneath the table.20
I’d had enough of this house for one night. I was looking forward to going home to my studio to a pot of warm coffee, and falling asleep to pay television trying to sell my soul to the anorexic market.21
I gathered my bag resting beside the dining room doorway. The house echoed as I closed the dining room door behind me, and wandered towards the glass entrance of the house.22
In the morning I would take the will to my youngest sibling, offering him our childhood home. No strings attached.23
I wanted nothing more to do with my parents, and even less to do with my childhood. I had suffered enough as a child, and a growing teen. I did not need, nor want the trip down memory lane. 24
Even as I looked out onto the front porch before me, memories faded into my mind. Reminding me of the musty scent of wet dog, and my many fights for independence, individuality. The need for my parents to understand my abilities, and talents. And above everything else, the need for my parents to know that I was never a child of sin, and that I could never control what I saw, felt, and sensed living in their house.25
I stepped onto the porch, feeling the front door squeaking closed behind me. I expected the glass panes to shatter, but there was nothing. No sound. No voices. No faces. Not even a sign of paranormal life.26
They had betrayed me. My visions had betrayed me. They had deceived me, and only proven the truth that I was shrived up, and worn out. I was a has been. All that I had been was an adolescent pumped on caffeine, insomnia, and too many supernatural conspiracy books.27
I wondered if my mother had ever found my box of ‘evidence’, and if she had done, did she dispose of it?28
I stepped onto the crunching stone driveway out to my car that I parked beside the stone mailbox my father had built many years before I was born. I opened the steel flap for old times sake, and found a drenched newspaper dating back to march last year.29
I slid the newspaper back into the mailbox, and shut the flap rubbing the back of my neck.30
I had the chills. I was cold. The hairs of my neck rising against my bare flesh. Small Goosebumps were beginning to form on my skin, underneath the warmth of my winter clothing. I thought nothing of it. I was beyond the sensations that were now more than second nature to me.31
I opened the car door slipping into the drivers seat. My radio flickered on, moving to and fro, before it stopped finding its place on my mothers favorite station- ‘Golden Hits.’32
“Thanks for the company,” I shouted out my window to the empty house. ‘It’s a bit late for an invitation now. Sorry I couldn’t make it to dinner.33
I started the engine, slowly making my way down the gray, dusty road towards the highway. I adjusted my review mirror. I wanted one last look at the house before I handed it over to the safe, skeptical hands of my younger sibling.34
The tires screeched to a halt. The radio playing static-white noise with the volume turned up so loud the sounds vibrated throughout my body. 35
I let the engine cool before I stepped out of the car onto the dust storm road.36
“No time like the present,” I said staring up at my bedroom window.37
Two eyes pierced through the glass window. Hovering between the laced curtains that blew without the aid of an open window.38
I knew those two soulless eyes from anywhere. They were, and always had been - The gateway to my hell.39
Author notes
When I started writing this I had an idea of what I wanted to write about. Then I actualy started to write, and the idea turned into something more. I built the tension in this peice, and have some ideas where I want to take it.
Morbid yet ? Not yet, but it is Hell in my head. Hell in the characters head, and I am wanting to know - the BIGGEST question of all -
Should I continue it as a series ? Do you want to know more... Do you want to know what hell lays behind those eyes ? Do you... Well... do you?
For the contest host -
I hope it was an entertaining read, and if nothing. Thank you for prompting me to step inside my fears.
[Prodigious.Mirth
Blair
P.M ]
For Parade : I have been through experiances within the past two years that have rendered a part of me -unable to express myself in the way I have through writing this story. It was extreamly-insanely hard to write this while feeling the same chills and sensations my character was at the ending. For this I hope you understand that the way it was written.
In a list
- Darkness Surrounds us group list • next in list
A contest entry
- Almost Anything Goes (Seriously This Time) by Shadow Pixie.
220 points, ended June 25, 14 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Parade of the Supernatural by C.rimsonQ.uill.
308 points, ended June 26, 17 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Hell Is In Your Head [Contest] by Paradox Spiral.
150 points, ended July 7, 9 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Do you think it should be continued ?
Comments
1 - 28 of 28
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i DONT THINK U SHOULLD MAKE IT INTO A SHORT SORY SERIES I TRULEY BELKIEVE This has great potential to be a lovely piece of published work it has that spence makes u want to read further. Loved it and when i get time will defintly read the other chapters
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I liked the story, it has a great potential. It's a to many times used theme, but you've done it nicely, and if you add a few twists now and then it could be an excellent piece of work.
Now, my English is bad, but you made many more mistakes, I'm afraid. You should work on that a little, if I of all the people may say so. And it's said with the best intentions, because it's a bother, and the story is very good.
'I owned a studio that was my home, and now a home that was nothing more than a box of faded memories, and a reminder of the spirits that lived within the walls of time.' - I liked the 'box of faded memoris' part, you're talking about a house, a home, as if it's some kind of a hated cave.
And if you continue this (I have to check if you had), I would realy like to know just how many children were there? I had a feeling that I can't explain when you were talking about giving birth to all the children... It's like I was pulled into another time, maybe another century even. And in a good way, surprisingly or not it gave it a dark feeling, atleast to me.
Wow, it's a huge comment. Sorry....
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you should continue
awsome story -
Well Done
Please continue!!! This a really great chapter!
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Hi again... just reading through this again. I'm going to try a better comment, because I really loved this piece. The tension is perfect, and I expect that those two souless eyes would really scare me if they were to actually come to me. Please continue, because this is probably one of the best I've seen on SW. I'm still entranced under your spell...
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I cant really explain my reaction. I feel familiar to this, though I cant say Ive experienced the supernatural part. Reading this just gave me a gray feeling, somewhat nostalgic, which I believe was the mood of this story anyway.
Im rambling and I dont even know what Im trying to say, so Ill just get right to it. This story, though not truly scary, was a great read. Youve embodied Hell without incorporating any horror or violence, or any other cliche antic such as talking to oneself or anything of that matter. Thats the most important thing of all. Thank you. I really thought I wasnt going to get anything like this. -
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE CONTINUE!!!!!! I really really really loved it, please KEEP WRITIN!!!
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let me just say...
if you do not continue with this story I WILL haunt you the rest of your life!!!! ... not that that is much of a threat concidering I'm fairly harmless.... ANYWHO I likes it
so.... DO IT!!!
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I really like this story...Its was so detailed..Its has a lot of potential to become something more...Great Job...Continue this story!!
<33TakeMyHand -
okay... the comment u wanted... though i'm not very good at comments. it has a spooky eerie feeling to it, like i'm expecting something to happen but it's too mysterious to do so and the fact that u say "nothing had changed" really captures my attention from the first paragraph. well done, it's really really good and i wish i could write as good as u
i'm so sorry, this comment really sucks
would an applause or too help??
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seductively spooky
Yes. I DEFINITELY want to know! This is a really good example of the genre. I was hooked by the 1st line &the 2nd got me addicted. The description is great, very atmospheric whilst still being intensely personal – somehow nostalgic&sentimental but with that edge people keep for talking about their own family. That’s a really hard balance to attain (I know. I’ve tried). One thing I particularly loved was how, at the start, the house seemed to take on its own personality – kinda like it was a character its own right. This felt completely appropriate to the genre. Also, as the narrator is the only character physically present for most of this chapter, I think it works better to have a 2nd, solid, identified presence in such a long piece of writing. However, at some points, the tension in the scenario slips. i think it was mostly when you went into asides, I lost the sense of the narrator’s present environment. I’d suggest sprinkling a few short descriptions of the narrator’s physical journey through the house may help eg things the walk past or touch. This’d help keep the story grounded in the moment. Very important for this genre. So is a good dose of humour, which you’ve given your narrator. I’m getting sick of saying ‘the narrator’. I got kinda frustrated by the lack of specifics you gave about the narrator. You didn’t mention name, age, gender or any physical description. This works to an extent but I suggest throwing in a couple of small details maybe halfway&at the end. It’ll help your reader. Trust me. I love certain supernatural elements eg radio, eyes. But maybe clarify earlier that it’s not just overactive imagination. If I sound picky it’s because this story’s so great I want it to really fly!
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I honestly think this could have stood wonderfully as a short story, but the fact that you continued it makes me think that it'll just get better, as your work usually does ;]
I love how there's barely any dialogue, which leaves a lot of room for descriptions and thoughts - which is, in my opinion, what you do best when you write series and stories.
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Omg you have to continue this! Cmon with the part 2!!!
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Welldone really Keep going ^^ XD
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I think you should really continue this.
Your descriptions were amazing and the details powerful.
It definitely caught my eye.
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Yea you should definitely keep going with this--is there a part 2 already out?
You really got me hooked with your descriptions. I'm a sucker for description
. Especially really good description like yours. I especially liked "Reminding me of the rusty scent of a wet dog,". Never seen that one used, and that's a good thing.
But yea, keep this going. I'll keep reading.
--Aden
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"When I started writing this I had an idea of what I wanted to write about. Then I actualy started to write, and the idea turned into something more."
Ya it happens sometimes....its quite cool and description is wow...you sud continue this. The basic idea is still very much there.
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This is . . . incredible. There is so much detail and the descriptions are very good. you have some really great talent! please please please continue!!
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I loved it; the details were strong and the descriptions. I would love to read more and find out where this story is leading to.
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Sometimes we have to face our fear. I hope in time you can and knew you have friend still in me my vampire queen.
Amazing story. hope you contune this.
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I like the flow, the intrigue and the build up. I would like very much to learn what is behind the eyes. There are so many ways you could take this, it has such potiential. It would be wrong to let it stay as it is. Continue. I will pull up a chair and wait.
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Wow. Well I'd like to see this continued. And I am sorry it was that hard for you to write this. I liked how you wrote it though. Hey, don't be afraid to let someone else know what you've been through. I'd love to know more and see if maybe I could help. By the way, thanks so much for entering.
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nice
ouuuuu. continue it!! me likes it very much. Mkae sure she...he?...whatever has to keep the house. turn it into a horror story..no wait, don't listne to me1 make itt a surprize! can't wait to see what happens next!! also I have a question is "som strings attached." supposed to be "No strings attached"????? Just seems like it would be...other than that I have no problems. -
I think that it should be continued as you have something here. It does need a bit of work--mostly with the language though and not so much the content. e.g. Cobwebs had acquired life and epic fail--I know what you are trying to say but, the words could be written differently. e.g. Spiders had created cobwebs and abandoned them in their departure. That his decision had condemned me to failure. just a few suggestions really, to make the writing flow smoother and the words blend in with the emotions.
beginning: 5, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 5.
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Yes. You've tweaked my curiosity. Don't leave me hanging!
The pace is good and I stayed enthused from beginning to end. The tentative ending is a real teaser. If you continued this story I would definitely want to read the finish.~PrismaticRays
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bared children,-borne children...i think
I'm intrigued. I love such 'family secrets' stories. I want to find out what makes her hate her home so much. Maybe I already know it but i want to hear it from the author's words. You have a nice style of writing, though this story needs something else to hook the reader in...maybe some more hints as to what is bothering her?
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Hell yes it should be continued!
Wow! This can be a really great short story on its own, but I think it can be a better series! I was so creeped out in the beginning with the description of the house! It made me wonder about my dad and how it might have felt to him when he stepped inside his old childhood home in Philly- desolate, dark, barren of life. I love the main character's skepticism and thoughts. This line definitely intrigued me: "...and falling asleep to pay television trying to sell my soul to the anorexic market."
Very wide range of vocab used and inferences to modern day reality. The end is very cliff-hanger-ing! Which drives me insane and leads me to beg you to continue!
I can't bear to stop reading it at there! So many unanswered questions and questions not asked! Fantastic job! I felt like an idiot when I got to the end because I thought the story was about a present and then I realized it was about 'the present'! Never judge a story by its title! Excellent writing! I'm very curious now!
-Lissy
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This is a really great piece and I think you should DEFINITELY continue it! I'm intrigued. I really would love to read more on it!
Thanks for your entry and good luck!
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