Tearing Down the Walls

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Disclaimer: By writing this, I do not claim to own any of the characters or stories associated with Joan of Arcadia. I am simply using characters and scenarios created by Barbara Hall and the other writers for Joan of Arcadia as inspiration in order to explore them further, and practice my writing in the process.2

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I stared at the words for a full ten minutes, deleting and rewording them countless times before I had the courage to press the send button. Once I did, however, and the words could not be taken back, I immediately regretted typing them, and I panicked.4

What did I think would come of me telling Geek-boy about my mother? Did I want him to tell me everything would be fine? Did I want him to kiss me and make it all better? I have never depended on anyone before, and I sure as hell don’t know why I decided to start now.5

Ever since Becky in Elementary school found out about my mother and wouldn’t talk to me again, I swore that I would keep that part of my life within the four forbidden walls of my house. That way, I would never have to feel abandoned like that again. As much as I hate to admit it, even if it’s only to myself, I actually do need Girardi, Rove, and yes, even Geek-boy who I secretly make out with every day. The last thing I wanted was for any of them to start pitying me.6

Even so, I needed to tell him, and that scared me. Through everything with Joan, I never felt the need to tell her that part of my life, but with Luke, I felt he needed to know. Some part of me knew I could trust him, and I realized that he might finally provide the release I have needed all these years.7

It took me ten agonizing minutes to finally get the words out, but as soon as I saw that Gravity_Boy was typing a message in response to them, it took me less than a second to sign off, further distancing myself from feeling attached to anyone.8

~~~~~9

I was immediately struck by confusion at the sound of an incoming instant message so early in the morning, and I quickly crossed my room to find that the message was from Grace.10

Ever since we began seeing each other at the start of the summer, we have had to communicate electronically in order to keep our relationship under complete confidentiality. I was perfectly content with having an open relationship, as it was never a secret that I had felt an attraction to Grace since the early days of AP Chemistry. It was Grace, however, who insisted that we meet in secret.11

At first, I was content with the arrangement, but as it progressed, my feelings transformed into frustration that Grace was ashamed of me, but I eventually decided that I am willing to wait for her to be comfortable and ready enough to let our relationship progress at her own pace.12

So I opened Grace’s message, not knowing what to expect, but certainly not expecting the words I found waiting for me.13

“My Mother drinks.”14

The dark letters of those powerful three words stood out boldly against the bright green background of the conversation window. However, the message was far from light and optimistic, and I didn’t know how to respond. Grace had never told me anything personal such as this before, and I’m almost certain she would never have revealed information of this nature to Joan either. My first thought was that I should feel privileged that she finally decided to trust me, but I immediately pushed the thought out of my head, as I realized that she confided in me for a reason, and I needed to let her know I am here for her instead of thinking of myself.15

So, I threw my hands to the keyboard, and began typing, but within a second of typing the first letter of her name, she signed off, and I was left alone to stare at the computer screen. I felt disconnected, both literally and figuratively.16

Without thinking, I dressed myself as quickly as possible, and ran down the stairs, not knowing if I was making the right decision, or how Grace would react, but at that moment, I didn’t care. I wasn’t thinking of myself. In that moment, all I was thinking about was Grace, and how I didn’t want her to be alone.17

~~~~~18

I arrived at school early after a long, thoughtful walk. I contemplated being late for school to avoid any contact with Geek-boy, who I can always count on to be early for anything, but that would make me look like a coward. Not only that, there was a small part of me that wanted to know what he would have said to me if I’d stuck around a little longer that morning. I decided to push that part of me as far away as possible.19

With my mind racing, I wasn’t thinking as I made my way to my locker that Luke would probably look there first. 20

Did I really care what happened anymore? Was I really going to let some rocket head geek control my every move? 21

The truth was, I had no idea how to respond to what I had just done. I told Luke something I haven’t told anyone in years, and needless to say, I felt exposed. In fact, coming to school naked might have felt a little more comfortable than giving anyone the right to know details of my private life.22

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him. A knot in my stomach told me I had secretly been waiting for it, but I immediately wished I had avoided coming to my locker altogether. I stuffed my bag in as fast as I could, and closed my locker, pausing for a second to consider the option of staying, and listening to what he had to say.23

Instead, I turned, and began to walk away.24

~~~~~25

I started out walking slowly, allowing my brain sufficient time to successfully sort through what I was going to do when I finally reached the school. However, the closer I got to the school, the faster my legs began to move, until I was running.26

Walking through the halls, I felt my breathing returning to normal, although my heart was still pounding in my chest. I instinctively found myself travelling in the direction of Grace’s locker, still unsure of what I was going to do when I saw her, and what she would do upon seeing me. 27

As I turned the final corner to her locker, I saw her standing there, looking in my direction. As soon as she saw me, she closed her locker, and began walking away with her head down, avoiding eye contact with anyone.28

Immediately, I began running behind her and reached out my hand. Lightly, I grabbed her arm and turned her around to face me. Her eyes were full of emotion, and if I’m not mistaken, she seemed afraid of me. At the same time, I saw a yearning for comfort that I wasn’t sure I knew how to give.29

Suddenly remembering our secrecy contract, I realized I had violated more than one rule by making any physical contact in public, but I did not let go until she turned back around and began walking slowly to a nearby classroom. Somehow knowing that she wanted me to, I followed her.30

~~~~~31

I knew he would follow me. What I didn’t expect was how direct he’d be, so when he grabbed my arm, I turned in surprise, trying to convey with my fact that the hallway was not the right place for us to be.32

So I began walking toward an open door, hoping the room was empty. As I walked, I barely noticed that I didn’t pull my arm away from his comforting grasp until I knew he would continue to follow me.33

~~~~~34

She turned toward me in the empty classroom, but she wouldn’t look at me. The silence surrounding us was deafening, and it was as if I had suddenly become deaf, which only heightened my remaining senses. Suddenly, I saw Grace as I had never seen her before: vulnerable, alone, and nearly trembling from fear I could not comprehend.35

I looked down at her, longing to comfort her somehow, but not knowing what would be appropriate. I wanted to speak, but was relieved when nothing would come out, as I knew it wouldn’t be right.36

Then she looked up at me.37

Her silent plea was so strong that within seconds, my hand was resting on her shoulder. Carefully, as I was not aware of how she would ultimately react to physical contact at the time, I began pulling her closer to me. Looking right into her eyes, I saw her uncertainty, and I nodded slightly to reassure her. What I was reassuring her of, I am not certain myself, but I needed her to know that she did not make a mistake in trusting me.38

For a brief second, I wasn’t positive she was going to return the gesture, but then her arms lifted, and she held onto me with surprising force. At the same time, I felt all the stiffness in her body vanish as she broke into silent sobs, crying onto my shoulder.39

I found myself lightly rubbing her back the way my mother used to rub mine when I was sick or needed to cry. Feeling her arms tightening around me, I wondered how long it had been since Grace had allowed herself to be comforted.40

~~~~~41

I may have brought him into the classroom, but that didn’t necessarily mean I had to be ready to look at him, and I was definitely far from ready. I looked down, although I could feel his eyes burning into my forehead, because I knew if I looked up and saw any trace of sympathy in his eyes, I would crack, and I was not going to break down yet. Not here.42

I could hear the sounds of people rushing through the hallway, and even though the door to the classroom was open, the noise seemed so far away.43

My heart was pounding harder and faster than I can ever remember it beating before, and as I stared at the hem of Luke’s shirt, I realized he was not going to leave. He had seen a part of me that no one else had, and yet he hadn’t run away.44

So I quickly lifted my eyes before I had the chance to change my mind, and I could feel my lips trembling. I was holding back tears, and silently cursing myself for allowing myself to feel so weak.45

Suddenly, I saw it. His arm was reaching up toward my shoulder. My first instinct was to lift mine up, step back, and kill the contact before it even happened, but at that point, I was tired of pushing away, and as Luke nodded his head with a look of comfort and support you could sense from a mile away, I reached up my arms, and held tightly onto his shoulders.46

Although his arms surrounded me, I felt a strange new sense of freedom, and I allowed my body to relax as I gave in to the lump building up in my throat. Closing my eyes, I rested my head on his shoulder and cried. I could feel tears running down my cheek onto his shirt, although I sensed he didn’t realize it, nor would he care. 47

As the faraway sounds of the hallway vanished completely, I felt something I hadn’t felt in years, and had nearly forgotten about. Luke had begun softly rubbing my shoulders as we rocked so gently that I could barely tell we were. Suddenly, I felt like a frightened child being comforted during a thunderstorm, and I remembered the days before my mind understood what was happening to my mother.48

Thinking of those days brought out fresh tears, and a tighter grip on Luke, who just stood there, holding me.49

I don’t know how long we stood there for, and I didn’t care. All I know is that when I tightened my grip on his shoulders, I decided for the first time that I needed to surrender. My walls were finally beginning to crack, and as I was falling apart, nothing could have felt more constructive.50