She was talented, no one could deny. She could sing, dance, paint, and anything else she could put her mind to. And she only wanted one thing, to help her father. 1
Her father was a drunk, an only parent, and couldn't see his daughter for what she really was. He constantly abused her, screamed at her, told her to leave, but she never did. He hated her for that.2
He didn't want her, she looked exactly like her mother, and everytime he saw her, the pain was unbearable. He would drink to ease the pain, his daugter was the reason he had lost everything. His wife died while giving birth, his fortune went to providing for the baby. He had nothing left.3
Maddie was sixteen when she finally gave up on her Dad. She stopped picking him off his feet, and stopped trying to help him better himself. And when she did, her father grew angry.4
She came home, her father at the table, bottles surrounding him. She sighed and tried to avoid him, but as she went around him, he spun up and grabbed her by the hair.5
He brought down bottles from the table, and stared drunkenly at his daughter, his eyes bloodshot.6
"It's all your fault, can't you see I don't need you, I don't love you? I never have! You're nothing to me!" His other hand moved to her throat and she began to whimper, tears coming out of her eyes. She brought her knee up between his legs, and he cried out in pain, letting go of her.7
She ran out the door and never came back. 8
Her father still drunk, ran through the house pulling things off shelves, breaking picture frames, screaming in a blind rage. He stopped. Maddie's door was in front of him. He barged in, throwing things off her dresser, anger fueling him. And then he found a box, grabbed it, and emptied it's contents onto the floor.9
As papers floated from the box to the ground, Maddie's father's anger grew less, as picture after picture flew to the floor. He sunk to the floor, slowly grabbing the pictures, each of him, or him and Maddie. She had wanted to make him proud so bad, wanted his love, and he had never given it.10
He grabbed more pictures, of him in a better light, and sadness replaced his anger. Tears welled in his eyes. He realized that he needed Maddie, and now she was gone.11
Going downstairs, he grabs a bottle, hurls it at the wall. Then another, and another. Finally he is left with one, takes a drink and throws it too. Alcohol stains the floor, and he curls up in the liquid and shards of glasss. He cuts himself, his body is numb, he has no wife, no money, no alcohol, and now no child. He cries himself to sleep in the remainder of what he has.
Author notes
Crazy Dreams & Twisted
Angelic Dragon, You Suck!
Confused myself while writing this
A contest entry
- Lyrical inspiration by Afs.
205 points, ended August 29, 3 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - "I'm sorry, I broke it all" by Lachrymose..
450 points, ended July 27, 17 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Cold cruel world!!! by Lekos Memory.
140 points, ended August 6, 27 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Nicely written, startling and reads so tru to life. Well done, I haven't read your stuff in a while and I thank you for reading mine contest entry...good luck with this it deserves all the trophies it gets.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Good premise. It moves a bit too fast for my taste, and the switching from past tense to present tense in the last paragraph throws me off. I think if you added more detail and description it would be a great story. I do like the ending, the final breaking down of all walls, not just of the father but of his daughter, too. I think this would be a good story to continue, using this small piece as a base, and adding on to the story years down the road.
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Hmmmm...ok here is my critizism. (don't shot me!!!) ok first paragraph. I don't think it fits the story at all. Not one bit. The story isn't about her really. Mostly her father. You don't need to mention how talented she is unless she's using some talent in the story. Just leave that part out. Maybe for a first sentence you can write, "All she ever wanted to do was help her father." Just like you wrote it in that first paragraph but have it the first sentence.
Two, you are comma crazy. I think there's like fifty commas in there. Don't get me wrong commas are fantastic to bring sentences together. But you went a bit over board. Just take a few out and make one sentence into two sentences.
There are a few sentences that can use some construction.
Other than that if I had to rate this out of 10 I would give it a 6 mostly because there is promising. Excellent plot. Has strong emotion. All you got to do is fix it up a bit more.
Hope I wasn't too mean but that was the point of the contest. Thank you for entering and good luck.
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shhh!!!!
I like commas... lol, no peob about the killing my story thng, I dont mind, after all, it was a free write
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Oh wow, just an amazing story. It's sad and completely realistic about what happens outside in the world. Good job on this.
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Wow, so sad and painful. It's horrible that he would despise her for the death of the mother. But in the end he saw the light, though it was too late. This was a realistic and depressing story. And what is sad about is stuff like that happens everyday, every minute. Somewhere out there, there is a broken heart.
I liked this very much, and if I am right, you were inspired by a song? If so, that is a great way to convey it into a story. Good work.
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This is very good discriptive and very sad a nice piece of writing it's a shame how most people don't realize what they got till it's gone. Keep up the good work!
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my mouth litterally fell open at the end. That was GOOD . . .REAL GOOD. I was able to visualize his every move and hers too. I hope this wasn't true . . . . too sad.
But yea it was great to read; It makes me want to continue to read some of your other work, which i'll soon do.
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It was quiet good. I kind of liked that it was a little more about the father.
Thanks for entering.
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