Deep inside a world called Terra Incompertus, there lives the most evil queen who ever breathed. Her features are perfectly chiseled, her skin white as death. The hair that cascades down her ashen back is as dark as the night before the Ash Dwellers brighten the sky with their bursts of flame. Her lips are red, astonishingly comparable to the cherries that rest on the cherry tree outside her window. It is said that she plucks a cherry from the tree every morning to brighten her lovely lips. Green eyes stand out against her pallid skin, terrible and entrancing, perfect for luring any wanderers that journey into her territory. The queen’s slender body and sensual movements easily attract the eyes of the younger travelers. As soon as the poor, naïve men are within her reach, this Shadowy Sorceress springs upon them and before there is a moment for time to even blink, the men lie limp. She smiles at her quick work, and her teeth, white as the pearls that line her neck, are revealed, sharper than swords and deadlier than poison. A swift bite on the lower lip, often mistaken for a harmless kiss, and her victims are intoxicated with torturous venom. The toxin is not lethal, however; it only leaves the victim in mentally agonizing pain. Images of death and fear spread throughout the mind, slowly turning the pitiable human insane. The queen merely sits beside her prey, listening to the pathetic screaming and moaning that fills the dungeon she so unmercifully brings them to. Her emerald eyes watch as the victim pleads for her compassion and, smiling, she always refuses, arousing the title of Tear Trampler. The queen enjoys their pain. It makes her forget what sadness and loss she herself has experienced. It is as if she is finally receiving the revenge her heart has longed for since the death of her parents. The screaming of her victims is much like a drug to her. She became intoxicated by it at her first bite and has made the moaning her remedy for her sorrow in death.1
Soon, however, the screaming stops. The ones who die from her crazed habit of biting are the weak-minded. Their frail common sense cannot compete with the insane, mental apparitions that the Jade Queen sets on them. Their deaths are signs of vulnerability that most humans seem to possess. However, rare as it happens, there are few people whom the queen comes across with minds that have resistance. Their intellect knows that somehow everything they are experiencing is not actually there. Somewhere inside those few people’s brains is human reason that shouts at them, pleading with them not to give up. And so, stupid as the idea is, these stubbornly strong humans remain in the state of insanity for eternity as slaves of this Soul Sucker. These clever beings are known to the outside world as Moaners. They ceaselessly fight off the fears that obsess their minds. Countless times, the Moaners are tempted to give in to the Jade Queen’s unending punishment for crimes they never committed. Despite this ever so appealing enticement, the forever insane humans continue to struggle for reality for the rest of eternity.
Author notes
random description of a queen i made up & creatures called moaners.....
idk, revise it please. i need criticism.
In a list
A contest entry
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Comments
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For some reason, I'm reminded of the evil queen in Snow White. I don't know why. Maybe it was the description or something. I'm not sure. Anyway, this was dark, your point I believe. I think you achieved it wonderfully.
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Good job!
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Very Interesting
I liked this a lot. I was thinking that it would be more story oriented but this was actually a very well written and unique description of a creature. Poison bite that drives the infected to insanity and death. And that she does it to stave off her own pain is just the right touch to make the reader feel for this dark queen of yours.
The description of the Moaners is also very well done. In fact, if you haven't already, I think that you should write something for these characters. Either from the Queen's POV or, though it would be more complex, a story from the POV of a Moaner. Now that is something I would really like to see.
If you do or have, please let me know.
Thanks for entering my contest!

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yeah im working on a novel & theyre a big part of it

thnxx so much for the comment,
it always encourages me when i get comments like this,.
if theres anything that didnt make sense or something that shouldnt be there or anything like that let me know
thnxx
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