This is not a poem, this is not a story, it is a statement, a very long one. 1
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I went school shopping yesterday. And I realized that nothing makes me want to shove my finger down my throat then that. Trying on jeans and shirts that wont fit because of my size just kills me. 3
I know "Well why don't you try to diet" is going to come up a lot. Well tried that. I lost 40 lbs last summer, but I cant lose any more, at least not that way. 4
After eating nothing but salad and fish I learned that even all that and exercise wasn't enough. So I just kind of gave up. 5
Until I realized the power of starving and puking my guts up. I gave that a try. For about 5 months I did that. I ate nothing but vegetables and school food (I know I know, that's bad for you) and after lunch and dinner I would puke up what I just ate, not giving myself any time to digest or gather nutrients. 6
What I was doing was killing my body. 7
That worked, I lost weight and was slowing fitting into the little clothes. At least for a while. 8
One Monday morning in September I was getting myself ready for school, not eating, as usual. I stepped into the shower and passed out. Just like that. I just lost control of myself and passed out. 9
They took me to the hospital and I found out what I already knew, I was dieing from starvation. 10
Straight to rehab with me. 11
After talking to a friend from AP I found that maybe I should give it a chance, just maybe. 12
I did, and what do you know I gained weight back. I hate myself even more now. 13
So here i am, sitting here typing this, wondering if a little weight gone is worth all of that again. The sad thing is, I almost believe that it is.14
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I thank you so much for the comment and kind words.
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wow
wow. that's awesome. it's...wow. I can completely relate. i've been ed-nos (eating disorder not otherwise specified...aka back and forth b/w ana/mia) for a while now... and I've passed out tons of times. my mom never figured it out, but my friends did, and they pretty much force fed me. and like, followed me everywhere till it was too late to purge... and it probably saved my life, but I'm the same as you right now. trying to figure out if it's worth going back down that same road...would I really rather die thin than live fat? as the quote goes? I still can't answer that. so I completely understand how you feel, but please try to get past this. it's not good. it'll lead to more. right now I can barely eat anything without cutting myself over it. it's a horrible road to go down. especially alone. I'm here if you need me. just drop me an IM. and I'll give u my contact info. you don't have to do this alone.
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*cries*
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You dont own your body. The universe does. You play a VERY SPECIFIC ROLE in this madness we call Reality. Your weight only defines the physical you. But you have to ask yourself.....Whats worse?
You know, reading this peice really hurt me. It scared me even more than what it was Ment too. Im sure. Becuase you honestly think your weight over weighs that vivid, vibrant personality of yours. BUT YOUR DEAD FUCKING WRONG. I love your choice of colors. The way you hold yourself, your a very strong indidvidual. You just seem to be placed where other people want you to be placed. TO HELL WITH THOSE PPL. Anyways, fat ppl cant sit on the ceilings baby!
Love ya loads to much, at times. Other times I feel like all the love in the world couldnt help you to escape your own prison.
I can see you standing in that cell, locked inside. Looking through the bars at me laughing as you twirl the keys on your finger. Just toss them here, let me let you out. Take my hand, walk amoungst the diseased. Your not by yourself. I feel so helpless, but im here. Any time. Just drop a note....*bows* -
I blame a lot of what happens to girls/women on the industry, all we see is how skinny we should be. Larger sizes are designated as plus or "w" i used to joke with my mom that i needed the "w"ide load jeans. Honey, life is meant to be savored and enjoyed. You cant do that rotting away your teeth and throat, Starving your body and loosing your muscle, will only accomplish one thing, death and that is no fun at all.
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It's not worth it....because it will keep going and going and you'll never be happy with yourself..you'll feel like "well..if I could lose just 10 more pounds"...and you will...then "well, maybe just 10 more" and before you know it you will be nintey pounds all skin and bones and so sick you don't remember what it was like to be healty....i don't know you personally like the others that have commented seem to, but I read your poems and those are all I need to know you are already a beautiful person...you just need to accept yourself as you are.....
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Oh, Becca..hunni.. It isn't worth it... You don't need to lose all that weight, you don't need to... You're beautiful now... Becca, don't do this again..
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god.
the emotion in this is amazing. life is way to short to be worrying about what other people think or about your size. im very overweight, i aint gunna deny it cause i know i am and the doctors have told me that i am and i have to go on a crappy diet and if i dont then i only have a little while left to live but life is too short. i aint going to watste what i have left being unhappy and eating healthy shit that will make me feal sick. i wanna enjoy the rest of my life.
sorry im going on here but what im trying to say is that you shouldn't do stuff that is going to make you unhappy. im not saying that you have to go and eat unhealthly, eat what you want but in moderation. so say if you want a pizza for example, try making your own so that you know what is in it, or buy one and have a small salad on the side..
if you dont want to do any of that then its fine. you shouldnt let other people controll your life. i have know lots of overweight people that have got boyfriends and everything. some of the most kindest and popular people in our school are overweight.
and 40lbs is great
i wish i could be that good at loosing weight.
i just think that you need to sit down and think about your life, think abouot what is going to make you happy.
i know at the moment i probebly sound like some sort of shrink or something and im sorry for it.
i just want you to know that if you EVER need anyone to talk to then i am always here, till then just hold strong. like i know you are. (i know i dont know you but u must be strong to have gone through all of this AND then wrote about it!)
Good luck with everything
~*~ love is a sign from the heavens that you are here for a reason ~*~
ANNA
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becca what dose it matter if you arnt some lil anarexic supermodel or pop star thats not what you were surpose to be and freankly i dont think it would sute you well at all. starving yourself is insanity and i know ive layd into you about this befor but you need to get it into your head that life is to fucking short for you to wory about your size you need to fine love and friends that love you and you need to find what truly makes you happy and i know its not being slimmer, and living life for all its worth. i know you will see it sooner or later but i want you to try and relize it now that you still have time and done waste your highschool years crazy over looks. let me tell you a lil story okay all threw grade school and into the summer befor 6th grade i was so upset about my weight and i would try and hide it and i would try and loose it one tiem i lost 17 pounds in one wek and i was siked but you know what i couldnt keep it off. that summer i was wlaking to camp cause i wanted to get down one size befor school and i got dihydrated and about passedout and a staranger helpd me out her and ehr some became my new best friends and they told me everything that i told you and at that time i was spending every bit of time with them and heres the idea we came up with if the kids wont except us then we are ganan make them hate us for having all the fun. we did and now to this day me and josh party and have the tiem of our life living like tomarrow may never come. and to thins day the only thing that might have made me hapier is being with you but thats been hard. but this isnt about that this is about you relizing that there is a whole world out there taht dont care about waht you look like they jsut care about you. a world so large and vast so far away from your lil school and those lil ass wipes that make you cry at night fuck them becca jsut please if you never hear from me again jsut know that i loved you and please take heed to what i just said loosing yourself over other people dosnt make since and killing yoursefl over people that dont care about you is a waste. you are a beautiful woman becca i know you are thats all the proof ild ever need so just tell yourself that and get on with your life. i love you becca, good bye
Edited on Aug 14, 10:34 because ''.
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