The rain was falling silently, or maybe it was that the gunshot was so loud that he couldn’t hear anymore, maybe that he was dying. The water puddle didn’t splash like it should have as he fell to his knees, red blood already tainting the gray-blue of the small stream the rain had created on the cobblestone road, like crimson veins spreading, reaching. His hand reached for the cross that should have been there, but he only found wetness. Looking at his stained white-gloved hand, he realized it was warm, not like the chilly rain, but that it was still gray, only… darker. So were the veins that reached towards the man that stood down the street from him, so close that his shadow almost fell over the kneeling figure. His vision went blurry, the rain must have gotten into his eyes. But no, he couldn’t even blink it away. He coughed, struggling for breath as his hand reached for the silhouette of the figure, lightning lighting his rain-streaked face to reveal an unearthly pale countenance, so young. This couldn’t be right… none of this was right! Why couldn’t he hear!? Why couldn’t he speak through the liquid that was gathering in his throat? Blackness, like a great curtain closed in on him, seducing him into a dream from which he somehow knew he would never wake from. The side of his face felt cool, and he couldn’t see. In front of him, just before the shiny boot of the man that stood there, a broken cross glittered wetly, its pure silver stained with blood.1
_File: Father Ashley Lucid. /Date: September 12, 2095_2
Author notes
I dunno, something I'm working on. Tell me what'cha think?
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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awesome
critique,I won't be,just a reader..will do.remarkable work keep it up..god bless . -
Actually, Edna, there are no spelling mistakes. Also, cobblestone is uneven at best, the oldest kind of road, so it's natural for puddles to gather in any road, as well as run. Ever seen standing water on the highway, as well as water running from it into the gutters or off? Also, his blood is leaking into the puddle, which might add to the mass and make it stream, since blood is like oil on water. I fixed the punctuation already. It's how I want it to be. You're no professional, either. Sweet by nature says your sig, sweet my ass. Critiques are for helping, not when you just don't like a peice because it's not your style.
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This is a very descriptive piece that transports the reader to a dreamlike world of horror and suspense. The bewilderment of the character is portrayed in clear visual images and forces the reader to read on in search of answers. Like it! Look forward to reading more.
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I find this "over-written": too many adjectives when fewer would do. Also the lack of paragraphs to break things up makes reading harder. Some sentences are contradictory, for example sentence 2: This is a water puddle yet it's bloody; it's a puddle yet it's a stream; there are cobblestones which don't normally lend themselves to puddles or streams. The previous commentator has noted punctuation. There are also several spelling mistakes. In short, this shows promise but lack of care.
Edited on Aug 14, 5:31 because ''. -
Very nicely done; I agree with the other critiques that this piece is very dynamic and expressive - you use imagery to your advantage here to create a graphic scene. You have done well in this aspect.
There are a few things I would correct, however:
1- You begin in the present tense and immediately back out to the past. Choose one.
2- Your subject/verb agreement needs to be mended in the sentence beginning with "So was the veins[...]" - change the 'was' to a 'were'.
3- Make sure your puctuation is accurate. For instance:
a: any sentence beginning with a question word (how, why, what, et cetera) requires a question mark at the end (ref. sent. "Why couldn't he hear!")
b: Check your commas. When beginning a new idea or new sentence, use a period.
4- In the sentence including the phrase "[...]a cross with the bottom of it broken off[...]" try to cut down on your word usage. Instead of describing the cross as 'one with the bottom[...]' try to separate the description of it into two phrases ('[...]a cross, its bottom snapped off, glittered[...]') or else compact the idea of the cross being broken or change it into something new ('[...] a broken/snapped/halved cross glittered[...]') - be creative.
Do not feel obligated or pressured to take any of my suggestions (for that's all they are; and I am no professional!) - it is merely my opinion.
This is a fabulous piece and I thoroughly enjoyed the vision flooding my senses that you evoked through your use of words (I hope you don't think me morbid!).
You must keep writing. You have a real sense for scene and drama. Keep it up and continue turning out these lovely pieces.
All the best. -
Excellent
I agree with the other commenters that this is written very well and very depictive, keeping the reader maybe hoping for help or a change, but ultimately the killer succeeds. It reads like a piece of a story, the beginning - introducing the dramatic background of what will follow on the next 300 pages, or the end, as we don't know what lead the killer to do what he did... maybe it was not the innocent victim and the monstrous killer but the monstrous victim and the desperate killer... I hope there will be more of that... and yes, I also want the other 300 pages now
coming before, after or around this piece 
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A vivid and descriptive piece, and written with great flare, almost reads like the last page of a book. (which I always read first) problem is I now want the other 300 pages that come before it, telling me why these two where in this place, at this time.if you ever write them please let me know. Having said that it does tand up as a piece of literature in its own right, so well done.
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I liked it. it was very depictive death scene between victim and killer, it would the suspension found in the victims thoughts that draws the reader it. I have to say very nicely done. Continue down this path, i like where this is going.
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