my life-him

i actually met him in 6th grade. we had math together. i remember i thought of him as a freak but i think that's why me and him became friends. ya we weren't best friends or anything but we talked some. one day, during lunch i was behind him in line and he's was like bouncing on the wall. "are you having fun?" i asked him laughing. "yup" he replied smiling, "skin is bouncy!" we argued bout that for the rest of the year. just kinda like and inside joke. it was in 7th grade that we became really close. i told him things that very few people knew bout me. like how depressed i really was. i even gave him my allpoetry name which only one other people knew about at that time. it was so weird when i found out that he lived right across the street from my cousins. we used to talk on AOL sometimes. but than i started getting more and more depressed. it got so bad that all i ever thought about was suicide. i started cutting more and more. it became so death was almost all i ever thought about. i even had a plan on what to do. i was going to take just tons of pills i mean it wouldn't even matter to me what kind it was. i would just take a lot. i stopped taking to my friends and when i would i would be a bitch. i knew what i was doing. i didn't want anyone to care when i died. he was one of the ones a ignored the most. i knew that it bothered him, it may even have hurt him, but at the time i all i could think is that I'm doing this for him, he'll realize that one day. one day on line he said " i know you hate me, please just tell me so that it will be easier" (he said something like that I'm not positive anymore) it broke my heart to here these words. "i don't hate you" was all i could say. "well than why are you ignoring me???" he asked. i knew he deserved the truth so i told him. i told him that i was going to kill myself and i had to push everyone i cared about away. he didn't exactly like that. he told me a selfish asshole and other things like that. even though i know i deserved to here those words it still hurt like hell. i remember crying that whole night. the next day was so horrible. i didn't talk to him the whole day. he didn't really try to talk to me  because he knew it wasn't going to work. the next day he kept trying to talk to me and eventually i looked at him and asked " if someone was standing on the edge of a cliff would you try to get them away from the edge, or would you push them off." he looked at me and said" i would try to get them away from the edge." i just looked at him and said "well you pushed me off the edge." i know its not the best thing to say and doesn't completely make since but at the time i wasn't thinking. i remember that every night i just stayed up and cried. day after day he kept trying to talk to me when one day i told him that i wasn't mad at him and that i forgave him  yet nothing would every be the same. and it wasn't. i think the problem was that i had really strong feelings for him, feelings that i refused to believe because i couldn't take the chance to get hurt.i wrote a lot of poems about him but would never tell him that. he started sending me messages about how sorry he was and that he loved me. i wanted to believe that he loved me but i wouldn't let myself. i couldn't. i was to scared that i was going to get hurt. he didn't know it,but it hurt every time he sent me a message. he told me things like he hated himself because he hurt me and every time i wanted to cry because i knew it was my fault. finally i stopped answering his messages because i knew i stopped he'd probably stop and i was right. 1

OK this is the end. everything in here is totally true.2