Scream

I screamed. Loud. And it never felt so good to let it out. Sometimes I wanted to do this, but I thought that maybe my father would hear me from downstairs, and hit me for disturbing him and seeking attention. I never knew what to do when he did that. I put on a strong face, and tried to act like I could take it, but once I was alone again, I just broke down and pulled that razor across my wrists a little harder than last time.1

Now, I was at school. And you might think that here would be the worst place to let out my emotions. But I guess I thought of this place more like home than where my actual house was located. I learned over these years that even though you had a house somewhere, that was not your home. Your home was your sanctuary mostly. It made you feel safe. It made you want to go there, to feel protected, and to feel complete. 2

Right now, even though I was in school, this did not feel like my home. This felt like hell. It all started because of last weekend. I don’t understand how I could have been so stupid, how I could have been so weak that I let this happen. The worst part was, he wasn’t the one pulling down my jeans. He wasn’t the one pressuring me to do it. I was more than a willing participant; I was the one suggesting it. I was still with my boyfriend, Sean. But he was just getting so distant. He was ignoring me. I wanted to feel loved… I deserved that, didn’t I? Am I that bad of a person that I don’t deserve love? I wanted to feel close to someone, and have their body radiating heat onto mine. I wanted to feel their breath of my neck as I fell asleep. And I did have that for a little bit, I just lost it.3

How could I have been so stupid to let my fucking needs get in the way of how we could have ended up? Sean may have been ignoring me, but I’m sure he would have come back. I didn’t have to go to the next guy that I could, and sleep with him. Am I really that low? Am I such a slut that I have sex with any guy to make me feel good? I’m just using them all. Why? I thought back to what happened that weekend, replaying it in my mind.4


Five days ago…5


I called Sean on a Friday night, and he seemed alone, and happy. Once I started talking though, he realized who it was and came up with an excuse to leave. He said he’d call me later. I sat waiting by the phone. I never knew I was that type of girl before that. But I sat by that phone for the rest of the night. Eventually, it was past midnight, and the tears wouldn’t stop running down my cheeks. I realized he wasn’t calling. 6

I remember getting angry at myself then. I was crying because he wasn’t calling me? It didn’t make any sense. He would call tomorrow, he was just busy. I came up with excuses for him all night, thinking that he loved me, and I was just being that jealous, overprotective girlfriend that you always see in the movies. The next day, I woke up quickly, and with a huge grin, I reached over to my phone to hear it ringing. I flipped it open, not even bothering to look who the caller was.7

“Hello?” I chirped into the phone.8

“Hey.” I heard a boy’s smoky voice say.9

I realized that that voice didn’t belong to Sean. It belonged to one of the cool kids in our school, Jon. He knew Sean pretty well, and they sometimes hung out. I rarely talked to Jon, but I did know that he was funny, smart, charming. I never thought of him in that way before because I had Sean. 10

“Oh. Jon. Nice to see you. But why are you calling me?” I asked with confusion tangled into my words.11

“Well, why shouldn’t I be calling you? If you’re answering, that means you’re not with your girls, and I’m not with my boys, so I suggest we hang out.” He sounded so sure. Like hanging out with me was any normal thing to do on the weekend.12

“Yea, sure, why not? Where do you want to go?” I asked, slowly forgetting about Sean.13

“Well, I’m a bit low on my stash, so I was wondering if we can stop to buy some shit, and then we can head back to your place or something?” 14

“Uhm…” I was so perplexed by the fact that he was going to get some pot with me, and then come to my house. It didn’t make any sense, but I was thrilled by the fact that I was going to get noticed finally.15

“Of course. I’ll meet you at one in Springville, and then we’ll go by subway back to my place. See you then.”16

“Bye…” He said in a husky, seductive voice before he hung up.17

I screamed out loud. I was finally going to get in with the cool kids! And who cares if things didn’t work out with Sean and me, maybe Jon would be better.18

I took a shower, dried my hair, tried on one outfit after another after finally settling on an outfit that look sophisticated, yet still young and wild. I did a twirl in the mirror and moved onto my makeup. I applied a smoky eyes look, and made my hair a loose, wavy look. I did a few more looks in the mirror, and looked at the clock. 12:45.19

“Fuck!” I shrieked as I grabbed my purse and rushed out the door. 20

By the time I got to the center of Springville, it was exactly 1:04 according to my watch. I looked around, and saw Jon sitting on the edge of the fountain, totally at ease even though there were signs all over the center telling you not to touch the fountains or statues. I waited for him to make eye contact with me, and he waved me over.21

I walked over to him, not too fast, not too slow, not too eager, or not too bored. Once I got to him, he smiled, gave me a quick nod, and muttered something under his breath that sounded like nice.22

I took a deep breath, and asked him where we were going to go now.23

“We’re gonna go to Peter Robinson’s house first, and after that we can crash at yours. Alright?” 24

“Great.” I said, short of breath, acting like it was no big deal that I’d never smoked pot before, and that I was actually very nervous. Of, course, I wouldn’t tell Jon that because he was a cool kid, and I would lose the bit of respect I’d got from him in a heartbeat.25

Once we had walked long enough for my heels to start irritating me, Jon opened a gate, ushered me in front of him, and rang the doorbell. We heard some shuffling inside, and I saw Peter, the school supplier peek his head through the open crack in the door. Once he saw Jon, however, he opened it wide and let us in. Peter looked at me extremely strange, but didn’t say a word. 26

“Go sit on the couch over there.” Peter ordered me.27

Jon and Peter went into the kitchen, and then I heard laughs. 28

“What the fuck were you thinking? Yea, she may have a nice ass, but that girl? Good luck.” Peter snickered quietly.29

“Haha. Thanks, man.” Jon whispered back.30

Were they that stupid? Didn’t they know that I could hear them from the kitchen to the living room? It was a small house, with thin walls. I blinked back angry tears, and I immediately thought of Sean. Sean would have never tricked me like this. He would have loved me for what I was, and not just wanted my body. He ended up getting that too, but it wasn’t that easy. Well then, I would show Jon. I wouldn’t have sex with him, if that’s what he was thinking. I would stop right before it happened, and tell him to his face I wasn’t another teenage slut. He would realize that and back off.31

Jon and Peter came back from the kitchen, Jon with a plastic bag full of weed. He rolled a few, and lit one. He passed the joint to me. What the hell? I thought. I’m so pissed, I might as well relax. I sucked on the joint, and breathed in the smoke. I start coughing right after that which made Jon and Peter share a knowing glance and they laughed. Once I had stopped my coughing fit, I realized I wasn’t feeling anything. How stupid is this? I thought. Why am I doing this if I can’t even feel it…?32

Just as I said that, I had a strange sensation start to take over me. I felt a bit tingly, in a way. My mind slowly disconnected from my body, and everything was so great. It was a perfect world, and it felt like a dream. I felt my hands, amazed by the fact that they had such a strange feel, and looked around as Jon and Peter started laughing again. For some reason, that made me laugh uncontrollably, and I had never felt so giddy. 33

Jon came up to me, and asked if I wanted to go home. I tried to speak, and tell him that we shouldn’t leave yet because my parents were home, but all that escaped my lips were giggles. Jon thought that meant yes, so he took his weed, handed Peter some crisp bills and we headed out the door towards my house. Everything was great, until the paranoia set in. At first, it was only people that were cops, or someone in a uniform, but eventually I was so freaked out that it felt like everyone knew what was going on, and I was going to get busted. Any glance at me from anyone made me want to run away from them.34

Eventually, we had gotten to my house, and I led Jon inside. My parents weren’t home then, which was a good thing. We made our way to my room, and took a few beers out of the fridge. We ended up drinking enough to give us a buzz from the beers, and we were still high from the weed, though I was a little more controlled. I asked Jon what was inside of the weed, and he answered PCP. I heard of PCP before, but I didn’t know much about it. I’d look it up once I was fine again.35

We were lying in my bed, when I turned to look at him. He was staring at me, and I felt myself get warm, and tingly. I knew that I really wanted him. I batted my eyelashes a bit, and leaned a bit more towards him. He closed to gap between us and our lips met each other. His tongue explored my mouth, but he didn’t do anything more than PG-13. 36

After a few minutes of making out, I felt it wasn’t enough. I leaned more towards Jon, and let my hands feel different parts of him. He took the hint, and did the same to me. Once we were close, and exploring each other’s body, I placed my hand onto the front of his jeans, and looked him in the eye. He knew exactly what I was thinking of.37

“Do you think we should?” I asked him in a seductive tone.38

“Uhm, sure.” He replied back, warily. 39

As I pulled off his shirt, and took mine off, he just stayed where he was, watching what I was doing. Once our pants were off, and we were fully naked, he finally moved, and motioned for me to move closer. I went on top of him, placed himself inside of me, and moved my body to a slow rhythm. He placed his hands on my naked body, and rocked me back and forth until we had reached an orgasm. Once we were finished, tired and sweaty, I looked at him, smiling.40

“Just one thing…” I said to Jon, stress starting to take over my voice.41

“What’s that?” He asked me.42

“Nobody can find out about this. I still have a boyfriend, remember? Ohmygod. I still have a boyfriend…” I trailed off, remembering that I still had Sean. I had forgotten about him completely before. I swallowed my tears, knowing that there was no way to take this back. I had promised myself earlier that this wouldn’t happen. Even if I was high, and buzzed, I should have had enough of smarts to realize I shouldn’t be doing this.43

“Don’t worry,” He promised me. “Not one person will find out.”44


That Wednesday45


Sean found me crying and screaming behind the building. I thought that even though I had made a mistake, he would still love me and take me back. Once he saw me though, he gave me a look. The look had a mixture of feelings in it; anger, sadness, betrayal, loneliness. I realized that by doing what I did, I hadn’t just hurt Sean. I had broken his heart. I saw him debating with himself on whether he should comfort me, or turn and get away. He gave me one last, cold nod, and turned away to go inside. I was shocked. I didn’t understand how Sean could just be gone, because of that one cold nod. I mean, he was gone. And he wasn’t ever going to come back.46