Susan the Gentle

I think the one thing I regret in my life, the one major thing is not getting on that train. I was in America with Mother and Peter, Lucy, Edmund, Eustace and his friend Jill had just come to visit us. They were going home and they asked me to go with them. Mother was going too, anxious to see England for a while again. I don’t think I knew then how truly they actually meant ‘home.’ I mean, I believe that on some subconscious level I understood but I don’t want to think that I actually did not want to return home. To Narnia. I like to believe that I was left behind in this world because someone—maybe Aslan—knew that I would be needed here. I don’t yet know for what purpose, but I’m doing my best to find out. For with that one fateful train ride, I lost my entire family; Father, Mother, Peter, Edmund, Eustace, Jill and little Lucy. When I heard the news, I have to admit that I was devastated. I had only wanted to stay in America a little longer with a friend and that is something I will regret for the rest of my life. Peter had asked me to come, his kind eyes gentle but pleading. I think he may have known. When I refused however, he stepped back and respected that decision, never pressing. I wish he had. I wish he had forced me onto that train and tied me down. Then I would be with him and Edmund and Lucy right now instead of coping with the loss of them. No one can possibly understand how I feel, how alone and abandoned. Why hadn’t Aslan let me know, giving me a sign? Was my refusal to board the train with my family a test and I had failed? I toss and turn at night, crying into my pillow, holding my stomach and trying to contain my anguish. People tell me that it gets easier with time and the pain will dull. It never will. I lost my family that day but I also lost my home; my Narnia. At least I have the comfort of knowing that my family truly is in a better place for I know in my heart that they are in Narnia. Where else could they be? I guess that I’m not making any sense at the moment. I should start at the beginning then, telling of who I was and what exactly Narnia is to me and my siblings.1

In Narnia, I was known as Queen Susan the Gentle. It may not have been as Glamorous as High King Peter or King Edmund the Just or Queen Lucy the Valiant but it was who I was. I was the one who sat behind Edmund while he delivered his verdicts, prodding him to be merciful and kind to his subjects. I sat beside Peter as his queen and, even though I was never fully recognized, I was one who helped with all the decisions of the kingdom. I met with all of our advisors, the foreign dignitaries and our people. I was the kind one, the just one, the valiant one and the high queen, all rolled up into one. I however was never acknowledged. All the people only thought of me as the Beautiful queen and the Gentle one. My brothers and sister all probably believed that I was just fulfilling my role as oldest sister and that it was my job to be patient, kind and forgiving, that it came naturally and it took no effort. It wasn’t. Before I went to Narnia, my life was pulled out from under my feet ad I had to struggle to keep my balance. Peter, Edmund, Lucy and I were sent to the country to live with Professor Kirke to protect us from the horrors of the war. Edmund didn’t care about what was going on—he was too angry at being sent away—and Lucy was too young to really understand. Peter and I alone actually realized the gravity of the situation and I tried to make it as easy on everyone as I possibly could. I didn’t want the younger children to think about the fact that Father was fighting in the war, risking his life daily, and Mother was in constant danger because of the London bombs. Edmund however just transmitted his anger over to me. He felt that I was trying to act too much like Mother and he resented that. I in turn refused to change. Back then, I was convinced that I was always right and Peter did nothing to correct me. Being the oldest, Peter always tried to compromise between all of us, but he felt—just as married men sometimes feel—that he has to take his wife’s—or in this case his sister’s—part. I liked to think of myself as the woman of the family with mother gone but I can see now how truly immature I was. I was a girl trying to fill a woman’s shoes. Until Narnia. Since the war had started, I had been trying to take on more responsibility than I was able, and even though I never let on, I was reaching a breaking point. Going to Narnia and having other problems to face, puzzles to solve and, well, lives to save probably saved me as well. Of course there were times when I figured I couldn’t do it, times that I despaired. I was heartbroken when Edmund was taken by the White Witch and both Peter and I felt as if we had somehow let our mother down. Peter was the one who felt worst of all. Being the oldest, he tried to be everything to everyone. However Edmund was hard to handle. Peter felt terrible knowing that the last thing he had said to Edmund was that he was a ‘foul little beast.’ I didn’t hold it against him. Peter was my rock and I know why he was chosen to be High King.2

Often however, I resented Peter being the one who got all the credit. I was his main advisor and he was my best friend. It hurts now, thinking that he has managed to get to Narnia, is able to stay there, while I have been left behind. I hate not fighting with Edmund and hearing Lucy’s voice every day on the telephone. I miss her beyond belief but I know I will see her again. I’ll see all of them again, someday. Even now I catch a glimpse of them, frolicking happily in my dreams and I know that it is not just a dream, that Aslan sent me these visions to let me know that they are all right.3

Of course, I knew that I would never return to Narnia after Aslan told me just after we put Caspian on the throne of Narnia. Peter, Lucy and Edmond grieved loud and long about that on the train home and resented me for not complaining with them. I however just couldn’t. I was too heartbroken. I put on my smiling face and told them that they were just being silly that they should, ‘grow up’ but inside I was being torn apart. I was one of the main reasons that there was a ‘Golden Age’ in Narnia and yet no one acknowledged it! During the time of war and strife, I had accepted Rabadah’s proposal in the hopes of making peace but no one seemed to realize that I hated the man. I didn’t want to make a marriage based on alliances between warring countries but Peter thought it would be the best thing. He would never have forced me into it—Peter loved me too much for that—but I told him that I wanted to do it. And I was the queen. Lucy was a queen too of course but she was too young. Beside, I would never have let Lucy go even close to Rabadah. I agreed to it but no one knew what a sacrifice it was for me. Even though Lucy was the one with all the fantasies and dreams, I was the romantic one. I wanted to be swept off my feet by a knight in shining armor which in Narnia was entirely possible. I wanted to be the one to fall in love with a dashing young man. Instead, I was stuck with a ratty little man whom I couldn’t stand but who I needed to form an alliance with for the good of the country. Thank Aslan that deal fell apart!4

I’m wandering. Forgive me. It is amazing to me that anyone would care to read this at all much less hear my nostalgic thoughts. I was on the topic of how it hurt to be told that I would never set foot in Narnia again. Because of how it hurt, I closed myself off entirely from Narnia. No longer did Aslan visit my dreams because the gates to my mind were barred. No more did I dance with the dryads, nymphs and fauns in the rippling forests by moonlight and no longer did I lose myself in day dreams of my reign in Narnia. Occasionally, I had fantasized about how some great danger came to Narnia, something so terrible that they needed Queen Susan the Gentle back desperately, regardless of what was said before. Those fantasies hurt too much though and I always pulled myself back into reality. Peter, Edmund and Lucy unfortunately grew angry with my attitude. They always wanted to reminisce about Narnia and how wonderful our reign was but it was too awful, too heartbreaking! I shut off my thoughts and, while trying to push Narnia to the back of my mind, ended up pushing my siblings away. Peter wanted to talk to me, hoping that I would understand how horrible he felt about not being able to return to the land he loved and had ruled for so long. I didn’t want to have anything more to do with Narnia. My siblings felt betrayed by me but I felt betrayed by Narnia and by Aslan. He had pulled the rug out from under my feet just like when I had first stumbled into Narnia, unsure of anything. I had done so much for Narnia, had ruled it and done my best to be fair to my people and this was my repayment? I was being kicked out of Narnia, out, out of my kingdom and out of my home? Of course they said that “Once a king or queen of Narnia, always a king or queen of Narnia.” I couldn’t understand how that could be when I wasn’t even allowed back in! How could Aslan just decide who could remain and who could leave? I suppose however that Aslan knew that I didn’t really desperately need Narnia anymore, that I would be okay without it. I was growing up and apparently Narnia had given me all it could to help with that. Of course at the time I didn’t think that at all. I cried myself to sleep at night long after my room mate was asleep and often begged Aslan to take me back, to take me home.5

Finally, I couldn’t stand it anymore. Mother had the opportunity to go to America and I jumped at the chance. England had too many memories for me. That and Edmund and Lucy were seemingly starting to resent me. As I grew older, adults seemed to grow fonder of me and I found myself more comfortable with grown-ups than I did with children. It was easier since adults had long since lost the fantasies that children so cling to. And I wanted to forget. So I threw myself into my school work and my friends and fell away from my bothers and sister. I became the ‘Queen Bee’, the most popular girl in school, Susan the Beautiful. How I hated that title! I would rather be Susan the Gentle again and so I strived to be. Even though I didn’t mean to, Aslan had instilled values in me that were not easily forgotten. He had taught me to be kind and gentle and listen to everyone, big or small. Every time I acted petty or thought about it, I felt Aslan’s gentle presence in my mind and I remembered myself and corrected. And so I continued to be Susan the Gentle. I soon had a large circle of friends, every one of them adoring the gentle personality that I had cultivated for so long. None of them, not even dear, dear Lucy knew how I suffered. We went to the same school and I always made time for my little sister, but even though I understood her—she was jealous of me—I never seemed able to convey my thoughts and feelings to her. It was probably because of the war when I worked my hardest to protect Lucy and to hide what I was thinking from her, to keep her safe. Because of that, I always seemed to be putting a gate between us that she didn’t notice but which I keenly felt.6

Even Peter was no longer the comfort he once was. After I flat out refused to talk to him about Narnia anymore, we grew farther apart. Of course we still wrote to each other, each telling the other of our triumphs and tears, but the post was so slow that by the time my letters reached him and his returned, what I had written was old news. Besides, I could never tell him how I desperately yearned for Narnia. I could never tell him that sometimes in my sleep I could smell the rich scent of Narnia’s air and swim in the ocean by Cair Paravel. I could never tell him that I was often taken back to our hunts in the forest and our search for the Golden Stag. I was heartbroken and alone and so I escaped to America, trying to close off that chapter of my life. Forever.7

Peter, Edmund, Lucy, Eustace and Jill came to visit about a year after Mother and I moved to America. Of course we had seen each other during holidays—Eustace and Jill had grown almost inseparable—but it wasn’t the same. Finally, finally they were there and we were all together again. It was just like old times. They had learned not to talk to me about Narnia and Peter even seemed to see something in my eyes when it was mentioned that first time. After that, he forbade anyone from talking about it and, well, old habits die hard. To us, Peter was High King and his word was law. So it was a relief for me when he decreed that no one should say anything. I was glad that he respected me and loved me enough to know that I had a reason for not wanting to talk. I am glad now that we parted on such good terms. I know that he knows I love him and miss all of them; Peter, Lucy, Edmund and even Jill and Eustace. But I know that they are in a better place, a place where they can be themselves, the place where they truly grew up.8

Narnia did us all so much good. It instilled in Peter the ability to be himself without fear and have confidence in his decisions. It helped Edmund to think about his actions and how others would feel and to make good choices. Lucy learned about envy, bravery, loss and love from Narnia. Eustace became a valued member of our little circle, dropping his spoiled, rotten ways and becoming a child and then an adult. Jill found a friend in Eustace through Narnia and I….I found a home. I became Susan the Gentle through hard work and learned how well people respond to a little kindness. I made friends and family in Narnia and it was the one place in the world that I wanted to be. I regret now turning my back on Narnia, pushing it so completely out of my thoughts and dreams. I think now that maybe if I hadn’t, maybe if I kept believing, I would have gotten on that train knowing I was going home. And yet, I know now, am more certain than I have ever been in my life, that I am where I belong, where I am most needed. I also know that once my mission here is done, once I am no longer needed, I will be able to once more step through that magical wardrobe door and return home.9