Words I Couldn't Say 2

Saturday 5th March 2005.1

I guess you're not there huh? Busy playing WoW, killing rabbits or something silly like that. Oh well. At least you're having fun. Attacking poor helpless rabbits. While I die in boredom. While you kill helpless little ra- Whoops. I forgot. It's squirrels isn't it? Oh well. While you kill hopeless little squirrels.2

As you can tell, I have no idea what I'm saying. I got the weirdest idea while I was playing piano. I don't know if it was a spur of the moment thing, or maybe I was just pissed at my mum (As usual), but I figured, if I could convince her that I'm gonna do a Grade 6 Exam this year, then...I could probably (Just maybe) get her to, instead of get me a new piano, take me somewhere.3

I doubt it. It was just a hopeless wish. Like, I could've gotten her to take me to Canada, or something.4

Meh. I'm losing my mind. I've fallen asleep practically typing, I'm soooo hot right now, and you're Medusee.5

We have a banana (Ish) tree growing! There are some sort of weird fruits on it.6

Okay, I don't know why I'm typing to you. Maybe it's my way of talking to you when you're not here. I guess it's as good as I'm going to get...Oh well. Ah, I'm listening to another pretty song. It's by Gareth Gates (I can hear you go "Oh no, Gareth Gates" already) and it's really pretty. The chorus is like 'It's when the world feels small beneath your feet, it's when the stars above are just out of reach, it's when you feel you're alive, for the very first time, and there's nothing you can't rise above, that's when you know you're in love."7

Hehe, my dad just popped behind me, asking who I was chatting to. He's too goddamn suspicious, geez. My parents don't trust me. It's quite sad. 8

I don't think I'll bother sending the rest of this to you, because...Well...You've already read the first bit, and basically now it's just me ranting stupidly, and I'm sure you don't really wanna know all this random crap I type when I'm bored. I must be some sort of pathetic lowlife, typing to you when I'm bored, but you're not even there to reply...9

I had another crazy psychotic idea just then, about how if you made one of these in return, then we could show them to each other. I told you, I'm a delinquent (Is that how you spell it?). A juvenile delinquint (I still don't know how to spell it, and I'm too lazy to look it up). Sigh...And I was saying you spelt things wrong, I'm not much better, not even knowing how to spell delinquint OR delinquent. Whatever. At least everything's been sorted.10

Yum. Blackberries. Aren't they nice? I love blackberries, but blueberries are nicer ^^ The blackberries my mum brought were really sour though, so that was like a bonus. I'm so out of control with my addiction to sour things, yet it's weird, I can't stand vinegar. Maybe it's the smell. You're probably in love with it or something. How should I know? I'm still a bit clueless about you.11

Oh yeah, I wanted to say, yesterday. About you slapping that girl. Nah, I'm not gonna lecture you. Actually, I say good on you. If she's a bitch to you, do it right back and then she'll be pissed off and everyone will pay you out for doing it, just cuz she's a girl.12

The world is SO sexist these days. I mean, who cares? Girls can build muscles just as well as guys. Girls can be just as strong as guys if they bother. Guys cry and are classified as sissies or wusses. I don't really get it. We did this entire thing on being prejudiced, and stereotypical last year, and we're still sort of carrying it out this year. Our teacher last year was soooo sexist though. I remember once Taylor said to me that the teacher was making us line up in boy-girl lines just so she could give out house points to the girls. The guys only got house points...Let me think...Never. I've given up on saying girls are better than guys, cuz really, I couldn't live without guys, as I've learnt by my goddamn sexist school. Are they promoting sexism by splitting us apart? I mean, it's not really fair, they're sort of reducing our social development. It's like, at the discos, I'll go ballistic asking guys to dance (Not being...You know. A skank or anything, but I'll be bored) and then they'll all probably reject me, then I'll see Ryan and Craig, and then Ryan will try to push me and Craig together, and I'll get pissed, and then I'll see Joe with his broken wrist (HAHAHHAHAHAA!!) and my entire night will get lots better, then I'll see Taylor with his haircut and...13

I'll stop going on about Taylor. I don't know why. I subconciously mention him. Oh well. It's just lack of guys I guess. Hehe, on the 947 (Our bus) you have Laura's boyfriend (You know, Laura, the one you said was hot or something) and his friend Ben.14

Lovely. Disappear offline without telling me, huh? *sigh* I can't say I'm surprised. Oh well. I guess it doesn't matter. There's always tomorrow...But what if there isn't? What if one of us dies tonight, and then we never got a chance to say anything...I wouldn't have gotten a chance to tell you how much I love you. I don't think you actually know how much I love you...I've never really made it that clear...How much I love you...I guess I have to figure out how to word everything, and tell you. I guess I'll start here.15

It's quite sad you don't know how much I love you. Whenever I talk to you, it just suddenly lights me up. Makes me happy, you know...Just the way you are, it cheers me up. I still feel so alone though (Not in a bad way) because I'm not with you. I just wish I could stay with you forever, and just keep loving you forever because I'm so happy when I love you. I want to see you so much though, see you properly, not just through photos. I wouldn't mind if I only got 5 minutes with you, because that 5 minutes would be the best 5 minutes of my life. I could just spend ages talking to you. I would be so happy if I could just spend all my time every day just talking to you.16

How do I put how much I love you into one tiny thing? I don't really have the time to type out everything...I guess that thing was a start. If you're reading this...I know I've said it a lot of times, but...I love you. More than you will ever know. I just hope you know that, and always will remember that. Does it sound better with your name at the end? Or not. Hmm...I love you, or I love you, Duncan.17

Either way, it's fine with me. I just want to let you know how much I love you. How am I supposed to though? I just can't go to you one day, 'have I ever told you how much I love you? I love you so much that I don't even know the limits of how much I love you, but I could give all the love I know how to give to you, and it probably still wouldn't be enough. I love you so much, I just want to be with you forever. Nobody else matters to me, as long as you're with me, or even on MSN, just talking like usual, then I'm so happy I just feel like...How do I say it...Um...I guess the best way I can say it is flying, but that doesn't really work...But you just make me so happy, and I want to make you just as happy, but I dont ever think I can, because I never can offer you everything someone over there could offer you. I wanna just hold you forever, and I'm so lucky you chose me, and I hope that we'll be in love like this forever, because I love you, and I always will.'18

Okay...As I said, I couldn't just say that...ALL...to you one day, cuz A) It's so goddamn cheesy, Half of it doesn't make sense, and C) It's still not enough to say how much I love you. I'm amazed I actually did figure out what I would have said if I did, cuz now, I can just say it to you at any time, and actually have all of it planned out.19

I should really give you a birthday present or something, huh? Buy you something from here and mail it over to you...But a slight problem does arise from that...I AM sort of limited on budget, but who cares, I could spend all the money in the world for you. I don't know your address, that's problem number one. Actually, that probably IS the only problem. Nothing else really does matter. You wouldn't give me your address though, it's like handing a knife to a murderer. Not that I'm a murderer and all, but you know, would you risk it...? I could get it off Nick, but then you might be just a teensy weensy bit mad, cuz I went and asked NICK for your address, and out of the blue, a letter just arrives for you from me, saying this is some sort of birthday present. What the hell am I, crazy? I should just ask you myself, but then I guess I'm too scared that you'll go NO. Who knows why I'm scared you'll say no. Maybe I SHOULD just get it off Nick. Sometime around your birthday, I'll get you some real New Zealand stuff, and send it to you. That is, if Nick DOES give me your address, and doesn't give me a fucking fake one. He CAN be that much of a fag (NO OFFENSE! NO OFFENSE!!) sometimes.20

Speaking of that, thank GOD your last name is McRae. That's actually a really cool last name. Do you know what freaks me out the most though? Well, I used to use a different name for posting on boards and stuff, and I would be called something like 'Star Rae' or something. It freaked me out to see the Rae bit of your name, I was like 'Whoa, now THAT'S spooky.' So many coincidences about us, huh? I think that one was truly accidental though. I liked the bit Rae though. It sounds so cool. It's like so...Awesome. Your last name had better be McRae though. If it isn't I'm gonna kill you, cuz I'll never find out your last name. Well, maybe not KILL, but you know...I'll be somewhat angry. I don't know how long it would last though, maybe 2 seconds? I can't stay mad at you. I was pissed once at you cuz of something, but I couldn't stay mad at you. I don't even think you noticed I was pissed at you Oh well.21

I guess you're having a jolly time, whatever you're doing. Probably still playing WoW, and then you just logged off MSN, so I can't even say goodnight and I love you. Why must you do that? Even if I can't talk to you, I at LEAST have to say I love you and goodnight...I'm gonna say this and I can't believe I'm gonna say this cuz it sounds so stuck up, but I'm happy if I hear it. That's really all I need to hear from you to make me happy. Everytime you say I love you, it makes me so happy. Who knows why...22

Whoa, look how much I've typed. Who cares, this could honestly be turned into a story someday, except my writing talents aren't that wonderful, so it'll probably get rejected. I should try submit it to Storytime though, but I don't think they'll accept something with swearing, and that's romance, cuz it's for, like, little kiddies. I could write 'The big brown bear danced in circles with the little pretty girl' and that would have more of a chance of getting in than this does. Wait, I'll just check it.23

See? It must be a 'Childrens' story. Would this last only 10 minutes? More like 50 thousand minutes. I feel I've typed looooads. I really wanna submit something though, and I want to earn money or something, so I can earn enough to go to Canada someday. If we even know each other then...If we don't, then I'll use it to get a new computer or something. I give up on the writing idea. It's so silly anyway. I could never get a contract.24

How confident I am...Sigh. You know Robert and his lovely girlfriend (Online or whatever) are so cute still. They're all like 'I haven't talked to him for 3 days, I feel so sad'. Then that makes you remember the time I went to Paihia. Hehe, mentioning this again. Yeah, it was the longest, yet shortest week of my life. Time passed so slowly because I wanted to go home and talk to you, but it also passed quick because I wanted to stay and enjoy the beach life. It was so coastal and pretty. It's nothing compared to Canada's pretty stuff, I guess, but New Zealand is such a peaceful place. Who knows if it's worth it for you to come here. It probably isn't. You won't get anything new (Haha, new, New Zealand, get it? It's so dry, I'm cracking up at how stupid it was) except maybe the hangis...Maoris, um...Mt Cook, I guess, but it's nothing really. You'll be able to see the places down in Wellington and stuff where the filmed LOTR, and you can go to Wellington to see the Beehive. You could also see the Sky Tower, which is like the tallest thing in the Southern Hemisphere. Things down in the Southern Hemisphere are tiny. I STILL haven't been up the Sky Tower though, so if you come, I'll go with you. I guess you could also fly down to Dunedin and Christchurch. Nothing really special there, but you could go to Rotorua (Sulphur Central) and check out Mt Ruapehu (It's so pretty and it's like snow capped mountains...But you've probably seen that too.), Lake Taupo, and everything I guess. But really, in comparison to everywhere else, New Zealand isn't really all that special. Sure, you get your beautiful places and all, but these beautiful places you could probably find in so many other places. I don't even know if it's worth it to come to NZ. Nothing really special is here. You'd be bored out of your mind, since you've probably seen it ALL before. All the pretty mountains and everything that we think is so wonderful is probably just little compared to the stuff in Canada and Hawaii. Why'd I type Hawaii? I meant America. Oh well, Hawaii, America, same thing. But yeah, there isn't really anything too special here. I guess greenstone is special to NZ, but hey, they probably import greenstone too, knowing Helen Clarke the idiot. Our beaches are hardly anything compared to yours...And I guess the Kiwi is a special thing, but you'll hardly get to see the Kiwi, since it only comes out in dark places. I remember once I was at the zoo, and I couldn't see the Kiwi. Heck, I could hardly see my hand in that darkness. But anyway, NZ really isn't anything special, unless you want a place that's peaceful. But I guess some parts of BC are peaceful too, huh? At least you don't have a bunch of fucked up Maoris going around and laughing at all the Asians, stealing their stuff and everything. They think they're better than us, just cuz they're the first people in NZ, but really, most of them are assholes. They're lazy, fat and ugly (But who am I to talk?) and have absolutely no respect for anyone else. There are probably only a FEW Maoris I think are actually decent. Or halfway decent anyway. But that's not the point. The point is, we hardly have anything in NZ. I'd be better off going to BC, at least you guys have more things than we do here. I guess you do want peace though, but as I said, there are probably plenty of places in Canada where you get peace. It can't really be that bad...25

Great, I just remembered, I'm staying the night at Serra's, so I won't be able to talk to you until tomorrow night...That is IF you're even on tomorrow...Who knows. You're probably at some movie or something, and tomorrow, since you have a life, you'll be out with your friends. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, cuz that's the exact oppposite of what I'm doing. I'm also not saying you don't spend enough time talking to me, because I know your life doesn't revolve around me. You have other things to do as well. I just hope that sometime we'll actually get enough time to really talk like we did in the holidays. Man, I miss the holidays. School truly DOES ruin everything, especially us. But even if we don't talk as much, as you said, the love is still there. I can still feel it. Don't ask how I can, I know that it sounds SO weird, but I can still feel it. It's just some sort of weird feeling. I don't know if you know what I'm talking about or not. Like that time when I sent it to you, you said you think about me all the time, it made me happy. It really did. I don't know how much happier you can make me. If you make me any happier, I swear I will explode with happiness and love for you.26

Damn, I've been at this for sooo long. I guess it's when I have nothing better to do, and also when I need to...I would say TALK to you, but I'm not really talking. It feels like it, though. It feels like you can hear every single word I say, every bad thing I comment on, or pick out, and all the things I say about how much I love you. I bet somehow you're getting these weird messages (Cuz I'm a weirdo, haha), even if you don't know it. Don't ask HOW I can believe in all this weird crap, but somehow i just can. Like, I believe in destiny. I believe that I was MEANT to talk to you, and that you guys were meant to say that random I love you to me and Aileen. And as I said, 5 million times I bet, if we're meant to be together, we will be together. If we weren't, then we won't be together. We'll find someone else, who we can love just as much (Or maybe less or more, whatever) and that person will actually be able to be there for us, to hold us and everything. It's just a matter of waiting for that person. If it was you that I'm meant to be with, then I will be with you. If it wasn't, we just have to accept it and move on. I'm not saying I won't fight for what we have though. I would do anything I could to keep us from breaking apart. And ...If it's possible, I would even die for you...But hey, maybe I am in love too deep. I told you, though, that I love you more than I can say. I would die for you, though. Only if we ever meet though, it would be weird if I died for someone I haven't even met, but have talked to online. It would just...Not feel right, you know?27

I keep making up excuses for myself just so I don't say anything that might sound stupid, since I know for sure I will send this to you sometime, and since you're reading this, I guess this IS the time. Look, I have to say it and get it out without my stupid excuses or anything.28

I love you, and I'd die for you. I'd do anything just to meet you, to be with you, just to hold you forever. You mean everything to me, and without you, there would just be something missing in my life...In my heart. I truly believe that our love is really strong enough to get past all the distance and everything, and someday we will meet. Not MIGHT, we WILL. And when we do, it will be the best time ever. I'll be happier than ever, and I'll never want that moment to end.29

I just have to wait, I guess. I never have been good at waiting. I'm too impatient. I have a lot to learn. You're so goddamn smart. You know so much. Tough about you failing (Or thinking you're failing) English. You will do better though. You've got it in you.30

Hehe, I sounded like a proud mother or something. Great. I've turned into a mum. I've always wondered what I would be like as a mum. Not saying this in a...Weird way or anything, but genuinely, I wonder what it would be like, and how I would treat them. I imagine I would probably be just as much of an ass as my mum and dad are, and I'll finally learn it when I do have kids.31

By the way, you asked me what life would be like if we were together. What we would do, everything like that. Well, in my mind, I've always pictured us like...Going camping or something. How weird sounding, huh? I don't know, it just seems so...Like, us. Walking around hand in hand, I guess...We would go sit in the park or something, watching the sunset. You know that, right? When we meet, that is the ONE thing we MUST do. And walk along the beach holding hands in the sunset. I'm such a hopeless romantic, but it would be so nice. I dunno, it's my mind, and my mind DOES work in weird ways. We would watch movies in some living room (I don't know, I've just pictured this) and your arm would be over my shoulder, and I'd be resting my head on your shoulder or chest or something...Oh, it would be so beautiful. I'm a sucker for romantic stuff, so I guess that's all I've seen. I also, for some weird reason, see us looking up at a waterfall. I don't know where I get all these things. Maybe I watch too many movies. Who the heck knows? And yeah, we'd be lying in the grass, looking up at the night sky. Another thing I told you would be so relaxing. I just can't wait until the day we finally do get to do all that. You should really consider dragging your parents to China for the Beijing 2008 Olympics. Or maybe just go to NZ. It would happen quicker than Beijing 2008 anyway. Oh yeah, do you know another VERY weird thing I've been wondering? It's gonna sound so weird, but I wonder what it would be like to kiss you. Stupid, yeah, but I do. I guess it's like...longing for that first kiss or something. I mean, am I gonna go till I'm 16 without kissing anyone? I mean, I would want you to be the first person I kiss, but it's like, would that honestly happen? I'd probably be really crap though. Oh well. At least I wouldn't have braces on by then. And I also want to run my hand through your hair. Wondering whether or not your hair is oily. My hair's not good though, it's all like...imbalanced. Dry at the bottom and sort of oily at the top. It's fine after I have a shower though, it's just waaaay after I have a shower, that the bottoms feel so terrible. They're like straw. I think I need a trim. 32

Gah, that's beside the point! I'd want to hold hands with you, everything. Give you a hug whenever you're sad or something.33

Damn. I have to eat dinner, then I'm off to Serra's. Talk to you...Whenever...34

I love you,35

Kelly36

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Sunday 6th March 200538

Oh, look, I took some time out of my very busy *cough* life, to talk (Type?) to you again. You're not online again today. Surprise surprise. Oh well. I'll live. It's not like Oh my god, Duncan's not online, I can't stand it. I'm sure I'll talk to you tomorrow sometime. Or tonight if you choose to come on, but you're probably (As usual) out at a friends. I hope you're having fun. You've gotta be having more fun than I am talking to boring people. Nobody good is ever on MSN anymore. It's quite sad.39

I had maybe ONE accomplishment today. I finally got my parents to get over themselves and stop being such control freaks. They're finally learning to trust me, and like...Well just stop being such overprotective parents I guess. I mean, it's nice that they care, but I can't stand people smothering me. It makes me feel like I'm surrounded with weird smothering people. If that makes sense...^^40

I was trying to download an album by Sweetbox today. It's now downloading again, but before it was completely stuffed. Everyone was uploading from me, and nobody would let me download. Evil people. I don't know how I can stand the patience to download all the crap I download. I mean, I might not even like the album, but I just download it because I do. What sort of excuse is that?41

I've been meaning to ask you though...Was I the first person you've ever loved? Did you love anyone else before me...? Since you only had like 2 girlfriends (Only 2, I got a weird feeling you had way more. You seem like that type of guy) I don't know. Oh well...You are the first person I've ever loved, with all my heart. Not just like 'Oh yeah, I think I love him' or like an on off thing. It's good to have something constant and stable in my life, especially when it's something I love, unlike if it was something like crap stuff happening. The thing is, I don't know, I've always thought we're gonna like someone else. We would both probably end up liking someone that can actually give us something. It's like you said, how can you choose someone that you know over the internet, compared to someone you actually know and that probably you know better? It's just so confusing. But you promised me if you ever liked someone, you'd tell me. I'll tell you if I ever like anyone as well. No secrets...42

How many times have I typed that over and over and over and over! It's getting to my head. I feel woozy again. 43

Damn, now I have to download WinRar. Be right back.44

Meh, actually, I'll just stop talking/typing to you now. I'm sure I'll talk to you tomorrow when I get home.45

Night for you, evening for me.46

Luv ya,47

Kelz48

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Big surprise, I changed my mind again. I wanted to say, I was bored so I was looking up airfares. Surprisingly, the cost to go from here to Vancouver using Air NZ isn't actually that expensive. It's like only $1799 return. Freaky, huh? It cost more to go to China, I think. But then again, we flew Asiana. Wait, maybe I should check Cathay Pacific.50

And what's up with Air Canada? There's an Air Canada? I thought there was like American Air, and Air China, but Air Canada? Be right back, I shall look up Cathay Pacific.51

Damn, it takes 25 hours to get to Vancouver? Shit...But I wanna know how much it COSTS, not how long it takes. Whoa, damn, it costs like $3000 bucks! I'm gonna see how much it costs for you guys to get here. There's a rugby cup this year in Hong Kong? You gotta be kidding...It must be a lot cheaper for you guys to get here though. Okay, I couldn't find it. Do you fly Air Canada? I should check.52

I don't know why I'm doing this, but I am SOOOO bored outta hell. Oh I forgot, your sites are like .ca huh? And you are like...Frenchishly American? You have Canada English and Canada Francias? Heh, their symbol is the maple leaf. How unexpected 53

Geez, it's not much different. How are we gonna meet at this rate? The money thing is just sooo confusing. I don't know how that will work. I mean, you say 2 years, but then again, will you have the money to come here? And why spend it on me...? There are other things you could buy...And that's IF you even come here. I wonder what your school name is? I'll look that up cuz I'm bored. Do you spell it Courtenay? Or do you live in Cumberland? Nick said you guys live in Courtenay or something, but wait, it's Nick. Oh my god, you guys even have your own website for your city?? Wicked. Is the drugs that bad? You have a Community Drugs thing? It's called Community Drugs strategy...Whoa. No offense, but it seems...Odd. You only have to pay 2 bucks to get into some inline skating thing?? LUCKY!! Hmm...Let's check out your recreation...You have a youth night?? Wicked!! Maybe I want to go there after all...It actually sounds really cool. It must be a lot more fun than Auckland is though. You have a downtown Courtenay? It looks so ...COOL! I actually might want to go, and not just because I wanna meet you. I never really did like Canada much, it was just a weird country thing for me, but Courtenay looks cool. Your 'Downtown' thing reminds me somewhat of Downtown Auckland, except the fact that Auckland is so much more like...'New York-ish'. I'm gonna keep looking round that weird site. 54

Waah, I am SOOO jealous of you! It looks so cool! Waaay prettier than NZ is anyway. I'm gonna look at our North Shore website and see what North Shore looks like. But seriously, it looks so cool. Everything looks so...I can't describe it, but I actually wanna see it now. Wow, North shore City Council. It's so unlike that site for Courtenay. It's gonna be my new obsession. Downtown Courtenay looks really cool. I guess North Shore looks okay, but they seem to have a lot better photographers in Courtenay It's like weird though, cuz our place names are so...different from yours. Yours is so 'name based' and everything, and ours is just like yeah, Takapuna, Northcote, Glenfield...You know. I suppose the NS looks okay when you see it in photos, but in reality, it's not really that beautiful. Well, I dunno, but I've seen it so much. Auckland City is waaay cooler though. I love Auckland city. It looks actually good. They have better photographers than the NS, obviously. Oh wow, I just saw a wicked picture of the Imax. That's one of the biggest theatres here, with massive screens, in case you didn't know. In reality, though, it looks a bit boring after you've lived here like all your life. Oh but I haven't gone to Auckland City that much. I think it would be a good change if I got out to the city, cuz it would be such a change from the quiet NS life I'm used to. But they totally took the pictures differently. I guess you just see it differently if you've never been there. Courtenay does look so pretty though, and I do actually wanna go there now. Vancouver doesn't look that bad either, but I haven't seen it properly...55

On to Vancouver Wicked, Vancouver is hosting the 2010s? Well now I have an excuse to go there *sigh* Queen Elizabeth park? Is Canada even WITH Britain?  It looks lovely though...So pretty. Oh yeah, I found out that one of my uncle's girlfriends is in Vancouver. It's quite sad, I wish I could go. Maybe I should take a course in AUT or Massey that allows me to travel. Grr, there's a Vancouver Sun? It sounds so...Newspaper-ish. Oh my god, there's a Courtenay Elementary?! The logo is like...So...Sunnybrae (My old school). Well, if there's Courtenay Elementary, why not high school? I'll get looking. Well it seems there is one, but how do I get to the website for it? I guess that's where Nick went? Well then is there a school for Cumberland or something? Oh geez, Cumberland is like French based? There's a Comox Valley international college or something? Is the Comox a place, or is it what they call it? I am sooo blabbering, and anyone else who reads this is gonna be like...What are you going on about? I'm just doing research Nah, I'm just bored. There are 40 parks in Courtenay?? Damnit, I have SO gotta get my ass down there, even if it's not where you live. It looks so pretty! Sigh...Your profiles don't help me to know where you live. I think Nick said you guys lived in Courtenay, but how am I supposed to be sure? I'm bored and Courtenay looks pretty, but I'll look up everything just for the sake of boredom. Hehe, there's a Google for Canada too? Oh geez, I'm learning lots about Canada. Lovely. What on EARTH is Middle School? Is that High school, or is it MIDdlE? This is sooo confusing. My head hurts. Okay, I'll just see all these schools. This is how bored I am. Ah, so it's SECONDARY! Ha! Hehe, I'm changing my MSN name to the address of one of those random schools I've found. Who is Mark R. Isfeld? He has one hell of a gay name. No offense. No, I take it back! Damn, that school looks wicked! It looks waaaay better than WGHS. I didn't realise, I've been blabbering on about...Nothing. And your lunch goes on from 11:30 to 12:30? Weird...Oh well. I don't get what school you go to. Is middle school for...like grade...7 and 8 or something? I dunno...It looks so little-kiddish though. Oh my god...This school is so freaky. Courtenay Middle School, I think? Habits of Mind? Poor them. Hehe, my MSN name is gonna be 'I live at 2345 Mission Road! Come join me in the joy of living at a school!' I didn't even know roads went up to 2 thousand...56

I give up. I'm leaving myself in peace before I go nuts trying to find your school. I am such a stalker. Or a loser with no life. Whatever.57

Luv ya,58

Kelz59

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Monday 7th March 200561

Another day without talking to you again, it seems. Today will probably turn into another day we don't talk. It's been almost 3 of these in a row...I know that's almost nothing, but I feel so...spaced away from you. Apart, somewhat. I wish we were just like the way we were in the holidays. I am so completely dwelling on the past, but remember my MSN name once (That you corrected me on, hehe )...'They say forget the past and live for the future, but what if the past is better than the future will ever be?' Exactly...What if I lose you? You said it, what if someone or something takes us away from each other before we meet? I always think I'm the one that will get hurt, that everyone else will always be the one to hurt me, but honestly, I'd rather be getting hurt, than having you get hurt. I read this quote the other day, they were like 'Sure, it hurts to be rejected, but I'd rather be the one getting rejected than the one rejecting someone.' I'd rather have myself get hurt, not you...But what if you're like thinking the same? Or are you thinking something else...? who knows. I can't read your mind. I wish I could sometimes though. Then I'd know every thing that you think every day, every thought you think about everyone, everything you think about me...Just everything. It would be so cool, except I don't really think I wanna know every thought that crosses your head (If this was MSN, I would be doing a winky right now) but yeah. I'm on the phone with Aileen now. She's still obsessing over Simple Plan. Going on about how Pierre Bouvier is hot. Hehe, Simple Plan is Canadian. I guess all Canadians are hot anyways (Another time for MSN winkies). Well, some. I guess (NO OFFENSE! NO OFFENSe!) Nick isn't counted. Man, I'm so evil to him. You'll like...Hate me for saying all this crap about him. Sorry in advance. 5 million times.62

No, I'm here again. I realised, I owe you an apology. I'm sorry. I always make it about me, I seem to never bother to care about you. I'm always caught up in my own dramas, but I never stop to worry about what's happening to you. I'm such a goddamn selfish person, I don't deserve to be with you. Just because I love you, it doesn't really mean I can change everything I was before. I used to be such a selfish person, and I don't really think it's changed. Yeah, my MSN names are sometimes about you, I always think that whenever you don't talk, you don't like me anymore. I'm like some sort of person that's worrisome. And then I always have to make you say something to make me feel better, just because I can't make myself feel better. See, I kept using excuses. It's like I can never admit I'm wrong. I will just say it without all my stupid excuses.63

I'm sorry I'm always so selfish. I'm sorry I never seem to care about you, even though I do. I just don't know how to express my feelings properly, besides saying I love you all the time. I always have to be such a bitch to other people just to make myself feel better. I just need you to know that I'm sorry for everything I've done, and if I've ever made you feel bad, or hurt you or anything.64

Oh, so that's the way it is, huh? Talk to Aileen, don't talk to me. Yeah, just ignore me. Is it my fault I'm so fucking boring? Or do you just not feel like talking to me? Maybe you should fucking go like Aileen. I'm sure it would suit you way better than hanging around me. I'm probably to fucking high maintainence for you or something. You need someone who fucking doesn't NEED to be loved, fuck, you need someone who's like Aileen. Oh yeah, let's just talk to Aileen, and ignore Kelly! Maybe I shouldn't have ever believed that you loved me. Maybe I'm overhyping this entire thing. But who fucking cares. The thing is, you're fucking ignoring me.65

Meh. Don't worry. I told you I overhyped it But still, yeah just send something to Aileen and never talk to me. Bother talking to Aileen but don't bother talking about me. Yeah, I know, it's always all about me, but WHO FUCKING CARES! The thing is, I am ME! I can't really always make it about someone else, I have my own feelings to think about, and frankly I really have given up on us. Yeah, sure I love you, but I have just completely given up. Gah fuck, and send Aileen the good songs. Is it my fault I'm not so fucking interesting? I'm serious, we should just end what we have, right here, right now. I really can't even go on about this anymore. It kills me always waiting for you to reply, or waiting for you to get online. And when you are, it's like oh I'm busy or something. Why do we even bother keeping whatever we have? It's never gonna work anyway. You know that. And now you don't reply yet AGAIN! This is so fucking screwed up. We should never have even bothered with this. I should have never even bothered with everything...We should have kept our lives before. I'm sure I'm just overhyping this, but right now, as I said before, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE. It doesn't fucking matter. You have totally made me sad, mad, in tears or whatever too many times. I really don't know how long I can keep this up, never knowing what's up with you, never knowing what the fuck is gonna happen anyway. Oh and disappear now. Leave me stranded with who...Denise? Aileen? I don't really know. Frankly, who cares. I said, I don't really care if everything ends now. Aileen's gonna lecture me about it.66

Goddamnit, see what I mean about being so selfish? But you know what, if that's the way I fucking have to be, then I will be like that. You know, I wonder if it is seriously just easier to end my fucking life. Stop everything that's been going on. It would be so much better than sticking around and going through the pain of living, and being scared of death and everything. I don't fucking have a reason to live anymore. It's like so pointless. Maybe I should just go find someone else. They could probably make me happier than you ever could.67

Oh fuck, you know, I can't stand me being so much like this. I don't want to care. I don't want to be jealous and all, but it just happens and I really don't WANT to be like this. I would rather die than live like this. Every day is honestly like hell now. I get so fucking dizzy all the time, and all my friends...I don't even know if they fucking care. Maybe they DON'T give a shit now. If I died, how many people would care? Even my parents probably wouldn't care, I'm such a bitch to them too. Great, now I'm picking fights with people for nothing. If I fall out with Denise, it's so fucking your fault.68

What the hell am I talking about? It's not your fault. It's my fucking fault I'm so fucking jealous just cuz of Aileen. It's all my fucking fault. I shouldn't be jealous, I should get over myself, you shouldn't just care about me. I don't know what's fucking up with me. I can't even stand this anymore. I have to end what's with us. It's just gonna cause more and more problems. It hurts to do it, but you're better off with someone that's not fucking like me, with a fucking bad temper, an uncontrollable jealousy even for her fucking friends...You deserve someone way better than me. And deep down, you know it. Aileen knows it, and I know it. Go with someone else. Shannon, or whatever. Sorry, her name's the first name I can mention. Go with Aileen or something. I don't know. Just stop confusing me, messing with my head, whatever you're doing. I know you love me, I know I love you too, but it's confusing me too much. You are so fucking better off with someone else.69

You know what? I fucking give up. I'm totally going to sleep or something. Yeah, at 8. My head hurts like hell right now. Bye.70

Kelz.71

Oh wait. One more thing. I used to think there was something between us to fight for. Something that I was incomplete without. What am I supposed to fight for now? 10 minutes of talk everyday...? It's not worth hurting myself over.72

Kelz.73

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Tuesday 8th March 200575

Wow. I'm such a lowlife. I'm still bothering to write (Type?) in this every day. As I said, it's everything I never get to say to you on MSN anymore. Maybe you're just busy. Or maybe I'm just untalkative. Who knows. But the fact is, untalkative, busy, or something else, we are drifing apart. I don't know if you can tell, or if you think we're normal, but I know something's up. I seriously don't even know whether or not I want to continue what we have, or stop now before I get in too deep, then get hurt. It's just not worth it, you know? I used to think it was. I used to think that I would do absolutely anything to keep what we have together. But as I said before, what am I supposed to fight for now? That little amount of time we talk every day? I don't even know how much you care anymore. I used to know that you loved me, I used to want to be with you so much. Don't get me wrong, I still do want to be with you...But I don't think time will ever let us. I'm in so much doubt, and I don't even know if anyone can actually convince me otherwise. That tiny shred of hope is barely existent anymore. I'm almost drowning in my world of emptiness...My life has almost turned into a life without you, except you're not gone. Do you even think of me anymore? Do you even wonder what would happen between us? Or are you just...Back to normal? But even this isn't normal I guess. You probably just have a busy life now. Not that I'm blaming you. It's good. I've said that like a million times. I wonder how we're going to carry on like this though. You think everything's normal don't you? I was right though, I'm always the one that gets hurt. Maybe it doesn't help that I'm the one that always makes a big deal out of things, but I'm ALWAYS the one who gets hrut. Like I told you though, it's not that bad a thing, but I don't want to keep giving my heart out, just to have it broken again and again. You haven't broken my heart...Not yet. But the silence is enough to tell me everything (And as I repeat, it's not your fault). I know someday soon you're probably going to go 'I'm sorry but it's over.' You know what? If you don't think it's working, or if you don't love me anymore or something, tell me now, because I can't waste another moment wondering and playing the fool.76

Oh look, there's my new MSN name. Anyway...77

You know, if you like someone else or anything, I won't be pissed or whatever. Sure, I'll be sad, but it's better than you keeping it from me all the time. If it's not working, I need to know so I can get over you...If that's even possible. I just finished writing another song. Another hopeless ventilation of my pitiful insecure mind. I am such a cow. When is it your fault? It never is your fault. It's always my fault. I have to stop blaming you for my insecurities. I swear, I shouldn't ever be doubting you. You promised me that you would tell me if you liked someone else, and I should just believe you. And also, we will get our time to talk.78

I have to go...Night.79

Love you...really...Even if we're drifting apart.80

Kelly81

I'm back again. I don't know why. Maybe it's cuz I have nothing better to do. Maybe it's just cuz I feel like...Typing...to you. How do I know? It's like some sort of daily ritual. You're turning into my diary now Oh well. I'm bored again. You know how weird it would be if...Wait, when do we have daylight saving...? Just a sec. Great. You have it in April, we have it in March. We're gonna be 5 hours apart, Duncan. 5 entire hours. Which means...we get one hour and a bit to talk everyday IF I get home at 4. By the time it's 4 here, it'll already be 9 there. I have to go through almost 6 months in this period, then we go back in the summer. This couldn't have happened at a better time, could it? It just had to happen now so that we could be split apart even more. Time doesn't want us to be together, does it? You know, I wish there was some sort of way we could meet soon. Not like 2 years soon, but more like a month or so soon. But no way will that happen. You guys DO have Easter break though, sometime in March, then in June/July (Whichever one your summer break starts on) you'll have your summer break, and then you'll probably be gone to some other place in Canada or something, having fun exploring or...Who knows? The thing is, you won't be there all the time to talk to me anyway. It's gonna be totally sad, we hardly will be able to talk anymore. I wish that...We could just meet. That we could just see each other, that this entire thing would be easier. I don't know, but I just wish that somehow that would happen. I doubt it will anytime soon. We both have school. Now'd just be a bad time. Great timing we had to have, huh? We met while we were in school, we're drifting apart and Daylight Saving comes along, we met while we're both young, we have to wait years before we meet. I mean, what's the likeliness of you coming to New Zealand for a trip or something?! It's like...One to none. Chances of me going to Canada aren't good either, my dad got a new job which only gives him like...$46000 a year or something. He only gets $21 an hour. That's like so little now...He used to get like 30 something. I guess we're just fucking...poor. Who knows. We're average I guess, but the chance of me going to Canada, or even going to China to see my own FAMILY is so unlikely. It's so sad, how everything just goes against me. I don't even know if it's a coincidence or not that we're like this. Maybe it just happens...Wow, I'm addicted to Simple Plan. Their songs are so good now.82

I'm so tired. I'll get to sleep. I'll probably dream about you again. Like I always do.83

I just remembered something I read. It said, it doesn't matter whether or not the person you love loves you back. It's your choice to love them, and they shouldn't judge you on what you feel.84

I'll try and leave everything to be. If it happens, it happens. I remember.85

Love,86

Kelz.87

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Wednesday 9th March 200589

Oh look, another day without talking to you...Stuck going to Aileen's today. It wasn't really fun, everyone was so pissed off, Laura broke out in tears and Denise was annoyed cuz of something. I couldn't really stand it. It makes me sad when they're sad.90

I have a question I need to ask you. Well, I'll probably ask you tomorrow, but I have a question. Am I really so self-centered that everything has to revolve around me? You know, if I don't talk to you now, if I'm not sure what's going on, I've broken down. I'm being a bitch to everyone cuz they bug me with their hopeless complaints, I'm so self-centered. It's like Aileen asked me why everything has to be about me. Do I always do that? I just don't know, it's a sub-concious thing, as the fact that I'm being so mean to people is a sub-concious thing. I'm just tired, and sad. When I'm sad, I don't have any reason to do anything. Laura hates you for doing this to me (Whatever this is), for driving me crazy. I don't know, I need a goddamn decent conversation with you, at least ONCE soon. The year of the rooster is so screwed up. It's like the bad-luck year for everyone. As soon as the year of the rooster began, it was like everything went downhill for all of us. Well, all of my group of friends. Except Aileen. She always seems to be so perfect. She always has to be right, and her sarcasm bugs me, but I don't think anyone else even thinks about it, it's just me. I know I'm jealous of her, the way she can keep her cool in any situation, the way she never breaks down, the way that she never seems to have any problems. She always can talk to people so easily, it's just so different for me, and then she has to go say what she thinks about me, it's just sad, you know? I don't even get why I bother to keep on living, it's like almost pointless. I guess I wouldn't care less if a car hit me while I was walking to school, but I still have unfinished business with you. I have to sort out what's going on between us. What is? I know something's got to be wrong, or else I wouldn't be this messed up. I'm completely losing myself, not finishing homework, always getting so arrogant...I don't know. It's just not me. 91

All this because of you...It's scary, huh? I know it's not your fault, it's just my stupid mind playing tricks on me. Or just basically stopping it's function. Maybe I have cancer. I am soo tired lately. High school is just so bloody...Terrible. Wait, I'm gonna look up syptoms of cancer.92

Okay good, I don't think I have it. I guess I've just been too stressed lately. Oh damnit, what if I somehow got AIDs? Wait...Oh I don't know. What if I have AIDs? I'm scared, I don't know what's happening to me. I'm so...messed up.93

I'm going to sleep. I'm so scared, Duncan, and you're never on...I can only get through everything on my own.94

Love you...95

Kelly.96

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Thursday 10th March 200598

Hi again.99

Eh, school was so boring. I had to hand in my stupid English project which is probably gonna get a D cuz I was so bad. I rushed it all...Oh well. I can fail English, I guess, although I don't want to *sniff*100

I have decided that I HATE the year of the rooster. I hate roosters. This year is sooo screwed up. Oh well. I can only hope that...Well, it'll turn out better in the end. You're not on again, but I'll stop complaining about it. I'll let us drift apart, I guess. There's nothing I can do to get us back to the way we were anyway. Only no daylight saving, holidays and a plane ticket (Well, maybe not the plane ticket, but you know) will do that.101

I got a random as book out of the library today. It's about some girl that moved from Toronto to New zealand. It's pretty good, but...Well, I dunno. It just makes me feel....weird, you know? Face it, our 'thing' (Whatever it is, I honestly don't know any more. Boyfriend and girlfriend, 'together' or just...Nothing) has already almost faded. I can't wait till Easter, if we're still...whatever we are, and you're not going anywhere, then I guess we can talk then, like we used to...I miss those days, but hey, no use dwelling on the past.102

I found the weirdest song lyrics yesterday. It almost describes me. It's that song by Simple Plan from 'No Pads, No Helmets, Just Balls' called I'd Do Anything. It's really good, the chorus is like...I'd do anything, just to hold you in my arms, to try to make you laugh, somehow I can't put you in the past, I'd do anything just to fall asleep with you, will you remember me, cuz I know I won't forget you'.103

So true. Be right back, I'm installing some weird BearShare thing.104

Well, I'm back SEVERAL (Or one) hours later. I went to watch Home and Away after my boredom online, and trying to convince my parents to move to America. Or somewhere. I doubt they will though, I wish they could get a job overseas then we can just get away from here. I'll leave everything good behind, but everything bad will be left behind as well, and that's way better, cuz unless everyone wherever it is are assholes, then I guess I can live.105

Geez, this is just it isn't it? Everything is such a complete lie. I always go on about myself, well I dunno, then whenever I'm pissed everyone's like oh what's the matter, and it's like how do you expect me NOT to fucking talk about myself?106

I've been crying again. Big surprise. You asked me if there was anything wrong. Yeah, it's nothing really. What am I supposed to say to you? Yeah, the thing that's wrong is us. Out of control, out of my control. I can't do anything anymore. I seriously wonder if I should even bother going on with my life. It's just so....goddamn...hard. I went outside to just relax a bit, then I looked at the sky, good reminder, huh...? Just made me cry more. But oh yeah, I'm crying over nothing, it's not a big deal. Nobody even knows. I can't tell everybody, yeah the reason I'm so sad is because Duncan isn't talking to me that much. They'll be like oh my god that's so stupid, you're just overreacting. I don't fucking care anymore whether or not I'm overreacting. Bloody hell, if I'm selfish, then just go away and leave me alone. Who cares what happens to me anyway.107

I never got the chance to say it to you tonight, so I'll just say it now before I go to watch TV.108

I love you. Still...109

Kelly110

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Sunday 13th March 2005112

Heya.113

It's been like 3 days since I've written (Typed?) to you. Doesn't really seem long, but there isn't really much to talk about since we haven't talked practically for these 3 days. Well, yeah, we talked yesterday for like 10 seconds. About some Travis dude. I do like that name (And I know you know I like that name) and yeah. Kalan's name is funky too. And geez, no, not every name is cool except Duncan, I do like it, but I just wish Aileen wouldn't keep calling you Dunky, cuz when I think about it, it honestly reminds me of the word Donkey. Hehe...114

Kill me now 115

But yeah, I don't know, I'm happier typing to you here than on MSN, because here I can say absolutely ANYTHING whenever I want, instead of sitting in front of the computer wishing you'd come online. It never works anyway.116

I bet you're probably still asleep. You went to sleep late last night, I'm guessing. It's only 1 there, so I think you should still be sleeping if Travis didn't stay the night. If he did then, I dunno. Maybe you guys are hanging out or whatever.117

Hehe, I'm so obsessed with Kalan's name. Still. I think I have OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) or something. I know I've heard that somewhere...But yeah. Aileen's like 'Why don't you just ask him for a photo of Kalan?' and it's like yeah, can I've a photo of your friend, nothing really, just can I?118

That's like you asking me for photos of everybody I know. And face it, I ain't sending you pics of everyone I know. Yet. 119

Ah, I'm addicted to Natasha Bedingfield now. And what's their name, Our Lady Peace or something. Ailz sent me the song you sent her, and yeah, it actually is good So I'm downloading whatever songs of theirs I can find. Which isn't that many. Well I can find them, it's just that they won't fricking download! eMule is so screwed. Be right back, I'm gonna try to find more.120

My ear was bleeding yesterday. Must be because I had my earring in too tight. Oh yeah, and I think my parents are actually taking me seriously with the entire 'Let's go somewhere and you guys can find a job there' thing. I know that if they did, they would only be looking in Canada. They're like completely addicted to Canada. Who knows why, I guess it's cuz Canada's like a bigger version of New Zealand, but New Zealand's warmer. Who cares, they can obsess over it, as long as they don't move there for good. If they did, I guess I wouldn't mind too much, it actually looks pretty cool, and I can drag Ailz around to see Pierre, but the tickets are probably way too expensive anyways. Seriously though, I think it's time I got out of NZ. Or sometime soon anyway. I really don't like how boring it is here. Not yet though, at least wait until I've done my NCEA. I wanna go somewhere to study architecture. You have to do something like 5 years, but you can go around the world and watch things getting built, how cool! I want a job that lets me travel, not just stay where I am.  121

Speaking of travelling, I hope we do stay friends even if things between us end. I know it would probably be awkward and all, but I really do wanna meet you, even if it is...Just as friends, I guess. I suppose I can deal with it. It shouldn't be that bad. You know, maybe we should just stay as friends now and stop with the entire 'I love you' thing, cuz if we keep doing that, and somehow we end up hurting one another, then we won't even get to stay friends.122

Whoa, it's been like hours since I last wrote (Typed?). I went to Denise's to do our stupid music project thing. Long story short, we got nothing done You're not online again, but how amazed am I?123

Oh geez, I'm gonna stop now.124

Luv ya125

Kelz126

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Monday 14th March 2005128

So you like her, huh? You say you're not sure. Whenever someone's not sure, it always just means it's a lighter way to break the truth. If you like her, just tell me. We won't ever be together anyway, so you might as well be happy. Go out with her. I mean, she's pretty and nice, not like me. You'll get along fine. I guess I'll just have to find someone else as well, but I don't know. Usually I'm able to move on pretty fast, and find someone else. I moved on from Craig, Taylor, Joe...Ben...You name it, I moved on. But then, you're different. I think that this time it'll be a lot harder to let go. I don't feel the same as I did about all those other guys, not even Craig, even though I practically loved him (Random fact, but hey), you really showed me...Well, how to stop being so...Selfish, I guess. You showed me how to learn to...Love someone properly. I don't know how that works, but I guess that's just it. Now I know, we've changed. We'll never be back to the way we were before. We can't help ourselves liking other people, and I guess things just won't work out between us. You'll find other people, so will I. Slowly, the feelings will disappear. How unexpected though, I'm the one getting hurt again. Well...At least it wasn't you. I mean, I'm hurt, but I'll move on. Yeah, I know you still love me, but how long will that last? When you go out with someone else, you probably will fall in love with them eventually. And if you don't? Well, then what will happen if we do meet? 'Oh yeah, I'm just going down to New Zealand/Meeting some girl from New Zealand that I love? Or loved?' It won't work that way and you know it. But I can't say anything to you.I can't just go 'I won't let you go out with someone you like just because of me'. Face it, we won't last unless a miracle happens, and I guess I've sort of stopped believing in miracles. I've sorta really lost hope. The only thing I do now is...Live till I die. It's a strange thing, really. I guess right now all I do is...Go to school. That's all that's interesting. I hate coming home because as soon as I get home, problems start. On MSN, with my parents, whatever. It's like the only place I'm free of everything is at school, where all I do is concentrate on work. Everything's a lot easier that way.129

I can't do this...Thing with you anymore. It's too hard, and I can't risk it anymore. Before I guess I was willing to risk it, but now I sorta snapped back to reality and realised that it won't work unless something...miraculous...happens.130

Love ya,131

Kelz132

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Tuesday 15th March 2005134

I guess everything truly is over now, isn't it? Not everything. I mean, we're still friends and all, but everything we had is gone. I can just feel it, it's so weird. As I said, we'll never be the same again. Who knows if I'll keep writing in this. I should really end it with you soon...And I should really send this to you, except you wouldn't wanna listen to me complain about myself, would you, since you're probably busy obsessing over...Whatever you're obsessing over.135

Bye,136

Kelly.137

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Wednesday 16th March 2005139

Ironic. I thought I was going to stop writing to you, or typing to you or WHATEVER!! But I guess I just can't give you up. I'm too...Ehh, I dunno.140

I'm bored again, so I'm (yet again) reduced to looking up airfares. My brainstorm about how to meet you is quite ingenius really, even if I DO say so myself. Heh. I'm like planning to get my parents to Canada if I pass my piano exam. It's like, they're in love with it anyway, so I guess it's just a bonus. A piano would cost more anyway. Stuff it. Freedom Air is refusing to tell me how much it costs to fly to Canada. I've only found Air NZ that wants to go there, Asiana doesn't go anywhere round there, neither does Malaysian Air. Bless Singapore Air. They go to Vancouver. Probably Toronto and Montreal too. Stupid them though, I don't know if I'm a kid or an adult anymore. They've taken away my identity!141

Kelz142

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sunday 20th March 2005144

Have I ever told you how much I hate you? Yeah, I do. I hate you. Completely. You've put me through hell. I don't even fucking wanna talk to you anymore. You've basically drained out all the energy in me. I don't even have strength the cry anymore. My head fucking hurts cuz I'm always worrying about what's happening with us, but I guess you don't really care. I guess I don't mean anything to you anymore. It's obvious now, everything's different. I wish we coulda just gone back to the way we were before. But unless I can invent a time machine, that ain't gonna happen. Maybe another life is a good alternative.145

Oh you know what, fuck this. Why am I even bothering to talk to you. You never even talk anymore, you never care, why do you even bother leaving me on your MSN. Just delete me and talk to some other girl. I'm sure you'll love her soon enough. You're just like that. Messing around with people. Do you find it fun?? Or do you just like leading people on then breaking their hearts? You're right. I can't figure out why ANYONE would like you. You're just a fag. I'm gonna regret these words later, but I'm fucking mad at you right now, and I have no one here to help me, so really all I can do is type more words that will never be sent. Maybe I should just send this now. It's like already over anyway. You don't care, I'm already heartbroken, there's no other stages to go through before it's over. All I'm waiting for now is you to say it. Tell me it's over, or you like someone else, or 'the feeling just isn't there anymore'. Whatever. I can't even stand this fucking thing anymore, but oh, I forgot, why do you give a fuck?? I woulda rather had us stay as friends and me never finding out any of this, cuz it just stuffed up my life 20 million times more than it did before. You said you never wanted to hurt me, well surprise surprise, you've done it too many times to even bother counting anymore. But I think this is probably the time I've felt the worst. I've gotten my heart broken so many times. You're even worse than Craig. Do you know that? Craig at least told me he didn't like me instead of faking, or just having feelings that lasted a little bit of time. I was friends with Craig longer than I'll ever be friends with you. You don't know me, not at all. The sad thing is, now Craig isn't there for me either, not even as a friend. Only Matt was there for me on Friday night, and the big surprise is, hey he doesn't live anywhere around here. It's like I'm always stuck on my own in the end. I should just give up on relationships.146

I seriously am dreading that moment you say it is over. I wish you wouldn't say it, but it's really only a matter of time. You don't even bother to make conversation anymore. You used to always go 'So...' but now, oh yeah who cares, Kelly doesn't need to talk to me anymore because I have no reason to talk to her. I don't fucking give a shit about her anymore, and I'll just leave her here to fucking cry because I DON'T FUCKING GIVE A SHIT. She can go do whatever she wants, I have nothing to do with her anymore.'147

You know what? I can't even type this. I really do hope this is the last time I type here, the last time I bother to think about someone that doesn't care about me anymore, the last time I say something to you before I move on with my fucking life. There are plenty of guys out there, 500 times better than you'll ever be.148

I can't believe I'm saying all this. Who cares what happened, our relationship is ruined. It was doomed from the start, but hey, I'm such an idiot for hoping that something would ever happen. I'm such an idiot for ever believing that you loved me, and that it would supposedly last 'forever'. We're teenagers, that's just an excuse. You can't face up to it, then fuck you.149

Do you know how much I hate you now? Or do I have to make it even more obvious?? Do I have to say every thing I hate about you? There's too many goddamn things, but I HATE how you hurt me. I don't even think I can hate anyone as much as I hate you right now. I am so fucking mad at you, who knows why. Just cuz you're not talking? Nah, it's way more than you'll ever understand. You're a guy. You don't fricking care.150

Oh stuff this. I should just jump out a window. It's better than sitting here, the pain of jumping out of a window or whatever will only take a minute, but if I sit here, I suffer for hours and hours.151

Fuck you. I hate you so much. It'd be interesting to wonder if you'd even say bye to me before you go. You won't anymore cuz we don't talk.152

I repeat, fuck you.153

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Monday 21st March 2005155

Okay, it wasn't the last time. I think you blocked me. I'm sorry for telling Nick to tell you I hate you. I guess you hate me now too, huh? I guess it's my fault. It's my fault that we never lasted. I'm too bloody clingy, I guess I talk too much, I want too much of you, I go on about myself too much...Everything. I wish we could just start everything over, rewind to the days where I didn't know you loved me (Or used to), where we talked a lot, 6 hours everyday, I wish we could just go back to those times. I was so damn happy then, and now, everyday's just become a useless portal for me to live in. I wonder what the reason for me to bother. I'm like almost losing all the life I have.156

Wouldn't it be nice to just jump off a bridge or something? I mean, seriously, if you die, then you don't have to suffer hours of pain. It's all over.157

The thing I regret the most now? I can't believe I'm saying this. I regret ever talking to you. I regret telling you I love you. I regret everything I did to get us to where we are. I regret going onto Inklink that day. If I hadn't, I would have been completely happy. well, not completely happy, but at least I'm not wandering in an endless...I don't know. Everything's so empty now. What am I supposed to do? I can't live without you. You know that, and you still leave me hanging, wondering if you love me. I know you can live without me. You do it every day, while I'm stuck here thinking about you 24/7.158

But I still love you. I just wish that you were here, I wish I could talk to you. I wish that we could change everything. I wish I knew whether or not you love me.159

But it's no use wishing now, is it? Regrets aren't gonna help, they never change anything, and wishes never come true. Not anymore, at least. Those first few weeks, I thought all my wishes had come true. I was happy, you cared about me, my life was fine...Then somehow everything went downward. My life is almost...Well, it IS empty now. I don't really have anyone to turn to anymore.160

You know what I want the most though? I want it all to stop. I want everything to just end.161

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Sunday 27th March 2005163

Wow, it's almost been an entire month since I started writing this. *Rolls eyes* That's not a good thing. An entire month of confusion. How can you keep me like this for so long?! Argh...164

I don't even wanna think about it. Maybe nothing is wrong. My paranoia is probably kicking in. You name it, I've got it. Well almost. I'm starting to hate you just a bit.165

Weird huh?166

Argh, I don't even know if I can bother typing this.167

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Tuesday 5th April 2005169

Surprise surprise, nothing has changed at all. We're still on the same path of silence. It's never gonna work. I'm an idiot for ever believing you. You're just like every other guy. I thought you would be different but oh no, you just drift off it, get sick of it and then just stop talking. Maybe you're busy, but goddamit, even when you are on you don't even bother talking to me.170

I really (I know I said it before so many times) can't do it anymore. I can't stand any more of this. And I know that I'm probably sending you this in hope that you'll say you still love me, but I know that...Well, you don't always get the answer you want to hear. I bet you'll reply going something like 'Oh yeah, I think so as well,' or 'okay' like you always are. It's just like that. Too busy to even talk, think about me, whatever...171

I always knew it was too good to be true. It's like the first month or two I was...Well I would say when I was with you, but I wasn't with you, and we weren't like 'together' anyway, it was more of a fling in a way. Well, not to me, but I don't really know how to read your mind but I really think you just stopped talking after a month or so. I mean, I've kept this something thing for like a month or so, and nothing has changed. It's gotten from good to bad to even worse. We're not gonna work out, you know it. I guess really,it was all in my head. Not the loving you bit, but the bit about this becoming any more than just a short thing. We probably never will meet, and although I said I wanted us to meet, even as friends, I'm even doubting that will happen. I really wanted us to meet, but hey, it might not even happen anymore. You'll probably be mad at me for it or something, or else we'll just stop talking (Wow, how different from what it is now) but I really don't know where we went wrong. Maybe it was the distance, maybe you liked some other chick, I dunno. But we completely are on two different planets (And before we were only on different countries.) and I guess you have better things to do than hang around talking to me. I mean maybe you are just busy, but I don't really know how long I can sit around waiting for you to come online or talk to me.172

So many maybes, each as unlikely as the next. You probably just don't wanna talk to me. I'm too annoying or something like that. We probably are completely different people. I didn't know you at all, and yeah, I'll say it again, I never really knew you. Or you weren't who I thought you were. MSN is an easy way to hide anyway.173

I can't believe I've known you for 4 months. It was a good 4 months I guess. All these weird tangles and twists, but in the end it ends up the same as everything, completely ruined. 174

Somehow I guess deep down I'm still hoping that I'll change my mind. If I do, you won't even read this, and a part of me hopes that some day when we talk it'll be like it was before. But then again, I've been hoping that for ages. I wonder if you even care what I have to say...I wonder if you care that I was hurt, or anything like that. All I can do is wonder because we never talk. I don't know what the hell you're thinking, and if it's sad stuff or bad or whatever, I don't even know if I wanna know.175

Who was it that changed? You or me?? I always thought it was you but...176

Oh forget it. I'm just sending you this to tell you that I don't even think I know where we stand anymore. I'm so completely empty anymore, hardly truly happy. Whoever said true love would cure everything was wrong. Well true love can cure everything, but I guess it can't be trusted because it could go at any second. I think that the second everything really started going wrong was that day when Aileen and all of them were like 'oh why does everything have to be about you?' I guess that I lost myself in trying not to talk about myself, and really now I don't even know where I am. Or maybe it's the teenage years. I don't really think I understand it all, but I think I know that you can never be there for me anymore. Or you don't want to. I've gotta hurry up and finish this before I change my mind anyway.177

I know you think I'm probably paranoid, and yeah I am. But so what? I guess if you weren't the one, I'll go find someone else to be paranoid with then...But it's not that easy.178

Well I don't know what the purpose of this is. I guess it's just to let you know what I'm feeling, that's all. I mean, it's not like breaking up cuz we were never together to be broken up in the first place. I still love you with all my heart, and I did believe you were the one, but really...You can't do anything while you're wondering whether or not the feelings are returned.179

I guess that's all I need to say. If you bothered reading this, and if you even cared, know that I still love you, it's just I don't think I can go on with all this confusion and hurt anymore, it's just too hard. All I probably need is something to put me back into place, but right now I can't even tell what that is. You were the thing I loved the most, and with you gone, I guess I've turned back into some sort of...ghost or something. So, I guess this is the end of us unless anything happens, but I'm not gonna give myself false hope...180

I'll just say this one more time though. I love you...181

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Thursday 14th April 2005183

Wow. This phase is still going. We're still our old silent selves. Holidays are coming up, but I'll probably never talk to you anymore. I mean, I remember in the Dec-Jan holidays, you would always go on Audio with me cuz you were playing WoW. Now you'd probably go on WoW rather than even give a shit about me. So much for happy endings. It's more like the couple from hell, if there even are couples in hell. There are probably people like us, caught in an endless spiral of uselessness.Never talking, never caring what happens. Well. I care, but I guess that won't even mattered. Okay. I have got to fucking stop this. I can't take it anymore. I gotta end this stupid thing, I have to stop talking to you, stop wondering what's going to happen because the truth is, nothing's gonna happen. I thought that something was gonna change, but I guess it won't. You'll always be the same. I'm just ending the end of something that was doomed from the beginning. Argh, I feel like I just keep repeating myself. You know what?? I thought you could've at least been there for me. At least have been able to ask me what's wrong. You don't realise Denise's homestay (Who I might add was our FRIEND) died in a fucking car accident, and I don't even get a single word out of you, not even 'who's Aaron?' EVEN JULIAN FUCKING ASKED, AND HE'S A BLOODY PORNO OBSESSED FREAK!!! 184

Sometimes I wonder if you're just blind. You can't seem to tell that you're ruining me, you've fucked up my entire life. I can't even stand to talk to you anymore. I don't know what's the point.185

Okay, fuck, I'm never gonna send this so who cares.186

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Monday 18th April 2005188

Look who's back to type more? Yep, it's me all right. I guess that although you don't say I love you anymore, and although you don't talk to me anymore (Unless I talk to you that is) everything's gonna be okay. This is probably the first time I've been bloody positive in about...Lemme see...189

A month ago. Doesn't that tell you anything? That maybe something went wrong?190

I don't know. The thing is, I'm sick and tired of always worrying whether or not you care, or what will happen if you don't love me anymore. Until you say it yourself, I'm just gonna be my old smiling self.191

Except I wasn't really smiling back then, was I? I was probably even more of a complainer than I am now. Whoopee.192

Onto some jolly fun stuff. It was the first day of the holidays today. Boring as usual, not like anything fun happened. Really, all I did was sit around and watch TV, eat and type to random people on the computer. Yesterday was Serra's birthday though (Hip hip hooray *rolls eyes*) so we went to go see Robots. I swear, that is a freakin good movie. Pretty funny, pretty witty, whatever. Then when we got back, I started imitating some Scottish (Or was it Irish?) guy. I think I actually did it quite well ^_^ My true talents are finally showing through...Not.193

Oh yeah. Got into a fight with Matt today. Not really a fight, but he's so damn possessive about his girlfriend. I mean, is it my fault I don't really like her?! She's not pretty (Sure she's like a little cute blob and all), she hangs out with the girl that was almost my RIVAL and the fact that she hates me...Well, I have a right not to like her! But I can't just tell Matt that, he'll block me and start going YOU FUCKING SHUT UP ABOUT HER!! And then probably get so badly pissed at me. I mean really, all I said today was something about how I was watching Sticky TV, then he goes 'OH Sticky TV is so gay' and I'm like 'Well if the people that watch Sticky TV are gay, then what about the people in it?' (Implying about his girlfriend who was on Sticky TV for some cooking challenge along with some scary girl called Flora. I don't like her much either) and then he got so pissed me blocked me. 194

Wow, amazing huh? It's amazing how love blinds you. I don't even wanna hear about Alex and how amazing she is, or how she's so smart, or adorable, or pretty, or nice or ANY OF THAT SHIT cuz from what I've seen, she's NOT nice to me.195

Huh, maybe she's jealous cuz I hung out with Matt like all through year 8 and we're like pretty tight. Well actually we're not. We're better than we used to be (Before it was just a bunch of insults getting shot back and forth) but I dunno. I probably ruined it all just by saying that one bad line about his girlfriend which he has known probably about a quarter of the time he's known me. Plus the fact that every time I see her in school she like waves at me then says something as she passes me. It's quite annoying actually. I don't think she's good for him.196

Well maybe he'll realise that. If they end up together for a long time, either he's blind, or she likes him a lot more than she likes me. Oh wait, of course she'd like him more than she liked me. If she liked me more than she liked him, she'd be asking me out.197

OH EW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!198

Hehe. Sorry.199

You know, I never realised how important this thing is. It's there for me whenever I'm feeling down, happy or something, and you're not there. It's like you, except you don't judge me or comment on what I do. I mean, I'm sure you're too lazy to read all of this shit even though I sent it to you, so I don't really care!! You won't read all the bits about me saying how even Craig was better than you!200

Oh wow. Do you know what I've just realised? Me and you are just like how me and Craig were. See, we started out just normal, then friends, then maybe something more, but then something happened and we drift apart. In Craig's case, it was him moving away. In our case, I think it's either time, or your lack of caring whether or not we talk anymore.201

OKAY! NO MORE NEGATIVE ATTITUDES!202

I've never seen me like this before. I must admit, it's quite disturbing. I mean, when was I all 'Miss Positive', huh? You might as well just hit me over the head with a sledgehammer.203

Actually, maybe you should do that cuz then A) we get to meet and I get to lose all my memories. I mean, I know I'll want them so badly when I lose them, but the good thing would be never remembering all of this stuff. Everything that happened. It's not that great a loss. The only thing I would really be missing out on are the good times which don't really matter cuz I always feel sad after anyway.204

What's the difference? Might as well just lose my memories!! HIT ME WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER ANYDAY!!205

Hehe. I think I'll shut up now. No more 'I love you' or 'Love you' things to sign off either. I'll just be perky as I was before.206

BYE!!207

Kelz.208

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Wednesday 27th April 2005210

Wow. It's been another 10 days (Almost) since I wrote (Typed?) in here. I blocked you, not that you'd notice, and I've actually been having the time of my life! I went to Denise's church thing, it was actually quite fun. They have leaders, right, and my group's leader (I'm an ASSISSTANT leader >.< is called Mike, and he's like 16 *drools* Still think you look better, but ah well. He's like really cool. If things with you fail, I guess I could always end up crushing on him ^_^ But then you see, there are two sides of each group (You have the groups red, green and blue, like TVs) called the Daring Diesels and the Stunning Steamers. I'm in the Stunning Steamers side, then there are 2 guys on the other side which are the Daring Diesels. Their leaders are Marcelus (Preferably known as Marcy) and Dorryn. Dorryn's ugly (No offense to him and all) but Marcelus is like...Ah. Usher lookalike. It was so cool, but he's like 18 *sniff*211

Lisa and Denise think I make a cute couple with Mike. Pssht. No chance anyway *SNIFF SNIFF* It's quite tragic. Oh well. I guess I'll live. Find someone else when things fall out with you.212

Note there's no IF.213

Anyway (I WILL STRAY AWAY FROM THE MORBIDNESS!) yeah when we go to that church thing, we start off with some talk thing, then we pray (I feel sooo awkward cuz I'm like not Christian, you know?) and THEN the kids get there. We split into our groups (Moi with Mike of course <3) and mark off the kids and find out what we're doing for the day. Then we have to dance (Fun, fun, fun)...Oh yeah, that reminds me. There's a guy there called Simon, who is a completely stupid guy until it comes to kids (Then he's Mister strict) and he honestly reminds me of you. Not stupidly or anything...But he reminds me of you in the way that he's so funny and he acts like I think you would. Dunno if that's good or not, but he's really cool (Almost as cool as Marcelus!). I don't know why, but I go for the stupid-funny guys.214

Oh. Joey is on.215

SEE YAH!216

Kelz217

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Thursday 28th April 2005219

Heya! Got back from another fun filled night (Cuz we had a parents evening thing at night) and guess what? I have a husband...*rolls eyes* Hehe. chris and I just randomly made that up cuz he "fell out" with Lisa. And yeah, his friend was there, and his friend was HOT besides his acne (But ah well, he's HOT) but he looked a lot like you in some ways. I don't know, I don't actually think he looked that much like you, just reminded me a LOT of you.220

Everything seems to remind me of you these days. It's still somehow better since I blocked you. I've actually been more carefree, and felt a lot more relaxed. It's not like oh gosh, what's gonna happen with Duncan today, is he gonna talk to me or just ignore me?221

Maybe we really are over. It doesn't feel like we're together. I guess I just have to move on with my life. I don't know if somewhere down there you still like me, but the thing is, I can't keep guessing.222

Here I go. I promised myself I wouldn't be morbid and everything, but I just had to ruin it.223

Oh well. Since I already ruined it, might as well continue.224

Oh wait, I'm playing a game with Denise's little sister, which was actually Denise. Grr.225

Anyway, let me continue. I don't feel like we're together. I mean, we don't talk, don't even act like we're in love. I mean, sure, we don't have to go I love you everyday, but as much as your world doesn't revolve around me, sometimes I need you to tell me you love me. I tried to fight for what we had, but love ruined our friendship. This was what I was scared of in the beginning, that we'd drift apart, love would ruin our friendship. We risked it for love, but I guess that's a risk we never should have taken.226

Whatever. I'm freezing but my face is burning.227

Who knows why.228

I almost typed love you. Stupid me.229

Bye!230

Kelly231

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Friday 29th April 2005233

Hey!234

Well, it was the last day of that church thing *sniffles* I actually had an incredibly good day. Well firstly, I talked to Marcelus and Mike loads (A bit too much in my opinion), but I find that cool. Marcelus also gave me more gum, so now I have two packets (One with only one piece of gum and one with loads). It was funny cuz all the kids were chasing after Mike cuz he had Marcelus' gum, so then he hands it to Marcelus and all the kids go charging after him, and then Marcelus gives me the entire packet and didn't look like he wanted it back. When the kids saw I had it, they were just like 'Ehhh, who the fuck are you?' and I was just all 'No gum kiddies!' Hehe, stole it all away for myself ^_^235

Also, you know my 'husband'? (I'm gunna call him Kris, I can't stand calling him my husband) Well, yeah, we were talking and then we hugged after everything, right? And we went to pack up, do all that stuff, and then before we left, we hugged again, and then I was just about to take off when he was like 'Oh you didn't do it properly! That's not a real hug!' and so I was like 'Argh, fine'and went back to him. He confused me a bit by telling me to put my arms on the top cuz they're usually on the bottom, but then he lifted me right into the air! I was like 'AHHH!'236

Oh well, it was really cool. Too bad we'll probably never see them again, even though we ARE going to Denise's church (That is, if Lisa's mum can take us) cuz Kris never goes apparently, and I don't think Mike and Marcelus are gonna talk to me a whole lot. Mike just talked to me cuz I was in his group, I think, and Marcelus...Well, let's just say he follows Mike, then laughs at the holes in my shoes (Which there is ONLY ONE OF!). It wasn't my fault I got cheap shoes! Geez!237

Oh yeah. About Aileen asking you what was up with your MSN name (She meant the personal message by the way, you silly person) and then saying...Whatsit? I can't wait around forever or something? Yeah, well that bit is true, I've already started moving on in some ways. I mean, I still love you, but I really guess I realised that it would never happen, and all this was is...Some stupid thing that wasn't even real.238

You know, when you first told me you loved me, you should've thought through it more, because I don't honestly think you do. I mean, you might've THOUGHT that you did, but really, it mighta just been hormones going out of control or something. I mean, that seems to happen a lot to us, and besides, I'm sure you've got a lot of girls chasing after you anyway, you'd be better off with them than someone you can't even see and probably don't love. And about how much you love me, how you can never love anyone else more than me...That's definitely not true. Because one thing I've realised right now is that...We won't be together forever. We never were destined for each other, and I guess we'll stop talking eventually. And besides, whoever you end up with in the future (I mean like actually spending your life with and marrying or something), you'll love them a lot more than you'll ever love me. This was probably just infatuation anyway. I mean, we're teenagers, Duncan. We're caught up in our own stupid troubles, our own thoughts of the world, everything like that. This isn't the time to go mess with someone's feelings, especially someone who's younger than you. At times, it doesn't feel like I'm younger than you and all, but I think that because I liked you, you thought it was cute or something and decided to play along. We realised that today, like if an 11 year old had a crush on me, I would think it was cute and play along, just like if a 13 year old had a crush on a 15-18 year old, they would think it was cute and play along, or maybe just get creeped out. Maybe that's the way you felt about me. I'm not saying I'm not completely right as well, maybe my 'love' was just infatuation as well, something I guess I just didn't know enough about. Our romance was almost like playing with fire, you know? So beautiful, but it could so easily hurt you. Or me, but I'm in third person right now. Well, sort of. I'm just using an example! Grr. But anyway, I guess we're just...Starcrossed. *sigh* I love that word, it's so prettiful.239

Okay, I've totally veered off track, and soon I'll be staring at my gum in a dreamy manner, and I don't want that to happen. Oh yeah, yesterday right, a girl in our group (The one who has the crush on Mike, her name's Sofia, and it's so cute how she has a crush on him) had her unbirthday (Meaning they celebrate your birthday but it's not your birthday) and there was a star for the day thing, where they could either spray paint a star on her head, or she could nominate her group leader, and of course, she nominated Mike (BECAUSE SHE LIKES HIM! HAHAHA!). Then Mike went up, naturally I was laughing my head off, and then Denise's little sister just had to say to Captain Dave (The guy who runs the thing) 'You should get both leaders up here!' and because I was the leader, Captain Dave dragged me up there as well, and he was like 'OH, she was all smiles when Mike got called up, but now she's gotta suffer too!' so then I got the prettiful gold star in my hair and Mike got the fluoro orange, therefore he couldn't put on his hat or else it would stain. I had the biggest urge to shout out SHAME! but nah, I wasn't that mean ^_^240

Oh yeah, today, Sofia had this cap on right, and it was like a golf cap or something, and Mike put it on, and he looked so like Bob Marley, all he needed was the dreads (But he looked way cuter than Bob Marley)! Later when we were sitting down watching something, I noticed that Sofia had taken his hat and she was wearing it, which was sooo cute because it was like too big for her head, and her face was like totally red! She looked really cool cuz since Mike's head is so big (Cuz he's so FULL of himself) it was oversized. When she saw me looking at her and laughing, going 'Oh how CUTE!' she took it off, and I immediately wished I had kept my big mouth shut. It's really really adorable that she has a crush on him though, cuz it reminds me of Denise's crush on Mike (Yeah, she has a crush on Mike) and amazingly, she's had a crush on him ever since she was like...8 or something? I find that scary, it's like 6 years! Even more than I've liked Craig. I didn't know you could like people at the age of 8. Oh well, Denise is all like 'Mike's just the guy I like when I have no one else to like!' but I can actually understand where she's coming from when she says she likes him, cuz he's cute. He works out too, and hates fruit. He owns 10 caps and-241

Argh. I sound like I'm just rattling off statistics but I wanna see how many I can remember so I can tell them all to Denise. He can eat 8 Weet-bixes, people thought his handwriting looked like a girls, he lives somewhere in Murrays Bay or something...242

Meh. can't be bothered. I don't know why but both Lisa and Denise think I look cute with Mike. They also think me and Kris make a cute couple (EW EW EW EW!!!!), but at least I can actually talk to Kris. Mike's just like there. I mean, I have civilised conversations with him, but sometimes I wonder if I talk to Marcelus more than I talk to Mike. That's disturbing 0_o Oh well. Infatuation, or just ways of trying to get over you, but I wouldn't have truly gotten over you anyway. Thank goodness I've truly gotten over craig though, and I DEFINITELY got over liking Matt Ruxton. Taylor I guess I still like a bit, but who cares, it's not like 'OH MY GOD, TAYLOR!'243

Oh yeah. We played Monopoly at Denise's yesterday and today, and I won both times! ^_^ When we played today, I owned the least property, but I still got the most money, cuz I don't know how, but everyone seemed to land on my property which was the yellow ones. Yesterday I had loads of dosh. Wanna know my secret strategy? I try my hardest to get sent to jail. Hehe. It works! Then you just stay in there, collecting money from everyone else, but never having to pay anyone. Then when it's safe to come out, you just bail yourself out.244

Haha, I'm so smart. Wait, I wanna check how many pages this is. I can rant on sooo much when I'm typing to you, it's almost scary!245

Dude! 50 pages! Man, that's longer than my story! That's longer than almost anything I've ever written! Oh yeah, I also started saying dude lately, and man, and lady. It's crazy, but I'm always so 'DUDE!' and 'MAN!' I'm almost turning into a surfer. It's totally wacko, but I guess I'm just like that.246

Anyways, I'm getting tired. Might as well stop my 50 page record *Sniff sniff* and get playing Solitaire!247

Luv ya!248

Whoops. I mean...249

Bye250

Kelso251

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Sunday 1st May 2005253

Well, another thing sent to you again. Just another thing, except this time, it's sorta different. Read it, understand it, don't understand it, I don't know. If you even give a stuff, then look back and read that thing that was attached to my other (old) emails. You'll get it then, but right now I think you're just glad that I decided to...254

Well, just read it. Sorry it's long, but it's the last things I think I will say to you for a while.255

Tell me I'm not pathetic. I wouldn't believe it. I'm still chasing after you, and still you're running further and further away. I don't know why the heck I bother anymore. Actually...I won't bother anymore. Play your games, I don't care. Go find some other girl to lie to, go find some other people to fuck around with. I honestly thought we were supposed to be together forever, but who cares. We're not. Straight out, whatever we had left, it's over. There's nothing left to fight for, and I'm sure you wouldn't care anyway. I might be being harsh, but I'm sick of always having to think up things to say, always having to be the one that has to talk to you, to try fix things but it will never work. You don't love me anymore. Either you don't want to hurt me, or else you just don't want to change, you want to just leave me hanging. Well, FYI, you did hurt me, and telling me the truth would've made me feel a lot better than you lying, and you leaving me hanging...Well, you must've somehow thought I would snap back to my senses. What the heck would've happened then? You would what, just leave me to deal with this on my own because you know there'll be no confrontation?256

Every other time I've tried to end what we had, you always said something to keep me with you, to stop me from moving on, plus the fact about Nick somehow figuring out crap and telling me I'm a bitch. Well, fuck that too. After you say that 'thing' to stop me from moving on or whatever, it just gets from bad to worse. I mean, this has gone on for at least 2 and a half months. Might not be a long time, but it is when you're torn between heartbreak and lust, unsure of whether or not to move on. I guess I don't need to be told when to move on, I just will, because you obviously didn't tell me when you moved on.257

It's funny how I think of when we used to talk for so long. Why the heck could we find things to talk about then? Did you actually want to talk to me then, was that why you could make so much conversation, was that why you'd bother to talk to me instead of not even answering anything I say to you? Amazing how it's all changed, and don't you dare think that you just aren't around the computer, because everytime I talk to you, you are here, and you can't ALWAYS be away when I'm online. That would just be a strange coincidence that I wouldn't believe in, you'd probably have done it on purpose. What happened to 'being able to talk to me for hours because that's what would have made you happy'? Yeah, right. I don't believe that either.258

Every word you said was a damn lie. Maybe not then, but it is now. I can accept that your feelings can change, but I can't accept the fact that you wouldn't tell me, because you said you would. Honesty definitely isn't in existence here. If your feelings didn't change, then I don't really understand the way your mind works. How the fuck are you supposed to get sick of doing nothing while talking to me? Do something then! Go play World of Warcraft, or whatever weird thing it was you used to do while talking to me. Before you would bother sitting around, but I guess now you know that I'll just come back whenever you said the magic words 'I love you'. I guess now I've learnt not to believe them at all, because the more you say it, the more accursed our relationship became, and everytime you said it, I came closer to not believing any of it. You threw those words around, you know that? Toyed with me, saying I was your 'true love'...I guess because this was like first love, I wouldn't have seen it coming, but now I definitely realise that you were meant for someone else, someone who you won't get sick of, someone you can actually fucking see, kiss, whatever.259

Yeah, maybe I'm a little kid. Whatever. I need to 'think deeper into it' and give more. Well, I've been trying to give. Those times I said I love you, just to get a 'I have to get going now' from you. What the hell is wrong with you?! It's like 'I have to get going' is the only thing you can ever say to me. So I've tried to fix it, and I've thought deeper. The whole entire 'something...' thing (Which by the way, is 50 pages long) was all my fucking thoughts, so no one can tell me I didn't think deeper into it. Yeah, okay, I go on about myself too much. Yeah, I'm selfish, and yeah, you have better people to be around. I'll make it easy, I'll just butt right out of your life and never talk to you again.260

Have fun with your life. I hope you're happy with whatever girl you decide will be your 'true love' next. After all, there are better people to hang out with than me, right? Stop wasting your time on people you won't end up with. Move on if you haven't already. For all I know, as for now, I don't even want to talk to you, or think about you.261

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Duncan's reply263

Alright.... now I have something to tell you. 264

First of all I am not seeing someone else, I do not like someone else and also... 265

I am sorry if you hate the fact that I am never on msn, not wasteing my time on the computer every second, I'm sorry if you hate the fact that I am living a healther life. 266

I don't know why you think I should spend all my time with you, or why you think I spend all my time trying not being with you. I leave my MSN on that is true, but it doesn't always mean I am on it. You act like I am the Devil for not being on msn, well send me to hell for going out side once in a while! 267

And don't talk to me like I am some cheating bastard in no way have I cheated, and in no way have I lied to you... I'm sorry that you can't see the fact that I can't always be there, on the the computer 24/7 but before I leave I have one question for you that has been bugging me for quite some time. 268

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Tuesday 3rd May 2005270

Well that spiel of anger was easy to get past. New thing, wrote it at midnight, hehe.271

I guess we ended it, but honestly, I still don't think you get what I was trying to say. I'm sorry you thought I was accusing you of (Unintentionally) lying, cheating or whatever stuff I said. I admit, that was a surge of paranoia and anger, and I'm sorry. I know you can't always be there, I can accept that. I can also accept that you have a life outside of MSN, and a life outside of me. The thing is, although you're not always there, it's been a month, or more, since we've really talked. Like, properly talked...And I miss it. I mean, you can't honestly tell me that every single time on MSN you're too busy, because there's gotta be at least once or twice when you aren't. And also, although I don't need you to always talk to me, and always tell me you love me (Even though I knew you did) I still needed to actually hear it (See it? Or hear?) at least once in a while. I mean, really, is it so much to ask from the one who supposedly loves you to tell you and use up a few seconds of their time? I don't know what happened, but if you didn't love me anymore, you would've told me, right? You're an honest guy, so I guess that you still have some shred of liking for me somewhere, even if you're completely pissed at me.272

Oh. About the fact that I don't know you, or if I really knew you...I thought I did. Like, 3 or 4 months ago, I thought I knew you. Then somehow, we drifted further and further apart, and I knew less and less, almost like you were shutting me out of your life. Let me ask you: How am I supposed to 'know you' (Even if I don't already) if you're never there, or never bothered (Or something similar) to get to know? You say your life didn't revolve around me, I'm not expecting it to, no matter how much it sounded like it, but dude, I was supposedly the person you loved? Surely you could've atl east bothered to say hi to me when you could've, or when you had the time.273

Don't get the tone of this wrong, okay? I'm not acussing you of anything, no matter how much it sounds like it. Also note the fact that I wrote this in the middle of the night, but anyway, my writing time aside, all I realised was that we drifted apart. No matter how busy you are, I can just feel it in the way you...Uh...Say (?) things. It's changed.274

I'm sorry if you got a life and actually bother to go out. FYI: These 2 weeks were holidays, and I was out anyway with some holiday programme, but I don't think you noticed (No accusations, just what I thought) and also, some of us aren't all that busy, don't always have the freedom to go out wherever, some of us don't have the money to go out all the time, have no siblings and no pets. I could sit in front of the TV or something if you'd rather have me do that, so be it, but I'll rot away either way.275

I know I may be bitchy and selfish at times, but usually I realise what I've done. I'm sorry if I ever did piss you off or hurt you in any way - Believe me, it wasn't completely intentional, but do I really need Nick telling me? I get it, I'm a bitch, I do stupid things, maybe more than others, but I know when I've done it, and believe me, I feel bad. No excuse, but do I need him to tell me the world doesn't revolve around me when I've heard it so many times from you? I didn't need him to make me feel effin worse than I already did, do you know how much sadder it made me just to have it rubbed in when I already knew? I'm sorry, but I don't effin wanna know what I already know, and I definitely don't need him telling me what he thinks I need to do.276

Not that that had anything to do with it. Just thought I might as well say it. That was nothing to you, by the way, and no offense was meant, but like I was saying...I know I can be a bitch. If you really don't like it when I do it, just tell me. I mean, emails are different, but on MSN, if it happens just tell me and I'll realise. Good communication, right? That's the key to having a good relationship with anyone.277

That made me realise. We hardly know what's going on in each others lives right now. All I knowis you're doing a lot of stuff besides the computer, that's all. The last time I asked you what you'd been up to, you didn't even reply, and then last time you DID reply, it was just 'stuff'.278

Right now, I don't know if you still love me. All I know is that you're probably pissed outta hell at me, but I'm used to it. If you don't love me, then we can either do the 'friends' thing, or just break off all contact...Whatever you want. If you do then, well sometimes I just need you to tell me. Not an order, but I just need to know what you want sometimes. I always have to live off what I want because you never tell me. You just accept what I say, then expect me to read your mind about what you're doing and when you're busy. Well sorry I can't do that, and sorry I'm not nicer and more caring...If we're not suited, then I guess it's back to the friends thing, huh.279

One more thing before I leave you at peace. We've changed. Our relationship has changed. Like, first we went through the 'talk a lot cuz I like you and I want to be good friends' thing, then the 'I love you because _____ <--- Insert reason there' stage, then the joking around, just to end up not talking. Somehow I don't think you're the same guy I was talking to 3 months ago. You've somehow changed. Maybe I have too, but both of us changing made our relationship change. You know, I miss talking to you. Properly, I mean, not just the 'hi' thing. I miss the conversations we used to have. I miss telling you why I loved you, and what would've happened when we met (If I say I love you now, I guarantee you'll probably have to go to sleep, or 'get going'.). I miss our audio convos, I miss how much you used to make me laugh. Maybe you're  too busy for it, maybe you're sick of it all. I don't know, because you never told me, but if you, or I hav changed, I can deal with it. If I never knew you, I can deal, I could just start trying if you were willing to tell me. And if the feeling's just gone, if you don't think about me anymore, I can be just friends. And if I didn't 'know' you, then I don't even know if firneds will work out anymore. But I miss the me that used to be happy talking to you, and I miss the guy that I loved.280

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You know,I have the weirdest tendency to write long emails, so I'll keep this one as short as possible. Look, I know you got over me. And I know that you hate to talk about anything that's wrong in your life. It's just that talking to you today made me realise that I'm still in love with you. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, you'll think I'm stupid cuz I can't help myself, and yeah, maybe I'll get over it but it could take me years. I don't know if I can wait all that time, but I guess I have no choice now. You've moved on with your life in just two weeks, unless you were over me before that. You must be getting pissed with all the random emails I keep sending you but I don't know if you can see it...I just can't keep it all to myself, especially not something I know needs to be said so there's absolutely no confusion.282

All I really can say is I love you still. Stupid I know, you're gonna be like 'Well tough' and yes, I deserve it. But doesn't it even hurt you the tiniest bit? Or didn't it? We didn't even talk before so neither of us knew how the other felt, but it kills me to know that I had you and then I stupidly killed it all. That stupid quote 'You never know how much you love something until it's gone' is pretty suitable.283

Oh, to hell with this. I don't know what you're going to say. I know you're not in love with me anymore, but if I could invent a time machine, believe me, I would, to take me back before any of this happened.284

Well I guess I should stop wasting your time. Don't know what the point of this was, I just needed to get it out. Thanks though, now I learnt...Don't get involved, don't get hurt. But it's too late now, and I guess I just have to hurt because I got involved. Thanks for everything though, and thanks for being there before any of this happened.285

See ya.286

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Monday 17th May 2005288

What the hell should I do now? Laugh? Cry (Oh wait, too late)? Kill myself? Dance in the rain? I don't know anymore. I'm so bloody confused. All this talk about how you didn't get over it fast...What does that mean?? Does that mean you're over it already or that you're getting over it? I don't know what the hell is up with us anymore. It's been what, exactly 2 weeks since we broke up, and I've gotta say this cuz I'm just such a freak and I can't say it.289

But who cares. It doesn't matter. It's all over now.290