Words I Couldn't Say I

Monday 28th February 20051

Hey.2

Here's another thing I don't think will ever get sent...But then again, I sent the last one so who knows. I didn't really want to write it down in some sort of journal or something, though, cuz it takes too much time, plus the fact that I just feel like typing it out.3

Okay, well basically, I feel like we're drifting apart in a sense. I mean, how much do we even talk these days? Maybe an hour or something, and you're always on WoW, and by the time you're off it, you have to go. We've almost run out of things to talk about now. I don't even know if I can handle it anymore. Maybe I'm just not fit for this sort of thing...But really, I need to talk to you. Stupid, I know, but I always need to talk to you. None of my feelings have changed, really, it's just lack of conversation, or time. I don't really get why it's like this now. Maybe I'm just overreacting again. Maybe nothing has changed. But something seems like it has. It's just the way we talk now, always so...well, how do I put it? We're always joking around, and we hardly even have time to do that. This might sound so selfish or whatever, but talking really isn't enough anymore. Well, it's okay for now, but later on, it won't be enough. We're gonna want more, and we might meet other people...You were right, though. Maybe we have been making fools of ourselves, and who cares. Let them think what they think.4

I don't really know what I'm saying. First I say I don't know, then I say let people think what they want to. I guess I just feel so alone now. No one's ever with me anymore, not to make me happy or anything. Hardly anything makes me really laugh. Remember when I told you I had a heart etched on the back of my hand, and it hurt? Yeah, that was cuz I scratched myself. It didn't hurt...Not really. well, it hurt less than my heart's hurting right now. I really don't want to lose you. I've always lost everything that I ever believed in, wanted, or had. My friends all seem to move on and find new people, so I have to find new people as well, who just don't know me as well as them. And now it seems like I'm going to lose you. If I made more of an effort to think of something to say, do you think we can go back to the way we were before? Maybe it's all my fault. You probably haven't done anything. It always does end up being me that's an idiot, and me who never knows how to say sorry. Everyone says to me, 'You always have to be right, and if you're not, you put the blame on someone else'. That's probably true. Then there's the thing with me always complaining about everything, always having 'problems' that aren't even big. Heck, they probably aren't even problems, just little things my imagination makes up so that I can get attention or something. I remember one time you said to me that you'd never get sick of me, but it's happening isn't it? You're getting tired of me always saying bad stuff about myself, rambling on about stupid 'problems', the works. Everyone does. My friends do, all the guys I know get tired of it, and eventually they just give up on listening.5

I asked Nick something yesterday. He probably told you. I asked if he thought we'd ever last. 'No, not in the long run,' he said. 'Not unless you're willing to move over here and actually start a life with him, it won't happen.' I would go over there, but how? I can't say to my parents, 'yeah I'm in love with Duncan, you know, that guy from Canada, so will you just send me on a plane and let me fly over so I can meet him and stay with him for a while?' They'd probably laugh at me, and tell me I can't meet you cuz you might be a pedophile, or you might have been raised up badly or whatever. Bad influence, you know. They don't trust the people they don't know well, but if you grew up in China, would you really blame them?6

I still wonder what would happen if we meet. I just want to see you so much, not through photos or whatever. And now I can't even look at your photos cuz I don't even have them anymore, due to the fact that my computer completely stuffed on me so I reformatted it. But that's beside the point. The thing is, I want to see you so much, but in reality, when would it ever happen? I won't be allowed to go until I'm like 18 or something, and it's probably not much different for you. Will it still be the same in 2 or 3 years, when we seem to have already drifted apart after a month or so? I'm sure we will meet, though, it's just what will we meet as? You'll probably have some other girlfriend by then, who'll be all pretty, and you guys will be completely in love. I don't know what will happen to me, I'll probably end up finding someone else, but then how much would it hurt for the both of us to see the person we love (Or once loved, depends) with someone else? Maybe you can move on, but I know I couldn't. I would say I'll just be friends with you but I won't be telling the truth.7

Maybe we should just end it. It's going against what I want, and probably what you want as well, but if this thing means that we're going to get hurt in the end, then I don't want to see it happen. I don't want to see you get hurt because I'm stupid, and I also don't want to get hurt myself. You know that when you're sad or something like that, I feel sad for you as well.8

It's almost like this song I heard the other day, by some Japanese band. It's a really pretty song, although the guy has the worst accent (And voice) ever. The lyrics are really good. I think I had a line from the song as my MSN name once. Something like 'I'm not the one you need, close your eyes and forget me'. What if I'm not the one you need? Would it be better for you just to forget me, and start looking for someone else you love? Or is it too hard to find someone else?9

You know, I wrote a song the other day (Big surprise, huh?). I didn't show it to anyone but Aileen (Another big surprise), but it was about you. It scared me how I felt. Being selfish, as usual, but it was my MSN name for a period of time too. I wonder if you remember it, I had it longer than a day though, so you might. It was about how it was too much to love you. Don't get me wrong, I love you, but is it too hard? And, yeah, the fact that I always write I love you. Anyone can write that to anyone. Remember the day we met on InkLink? I'm sure you guys weren't serious about the 'I love you' thing, and that thing about cybering was maybe a bit too much. But still, words are just one thing. Anyone can type it, but how many of them mean it? And even if you mean it, do you get to hear it? I don't even know if I'll ever hear it from you properly. I don't even think I've said it personally to you. Not personally, but at least I haven't even SAID it (As in not typing). Sure, it's hard to say in person, but sometimes you can only believe so much on MSN.10

So I guess I'm doubting you, aren't I? I said I never would. Well, technically, I'm not doubting your love, I'm doubting the chance of this lasting more than a few weeks, or at the most, months. You know that I take it a lot of things other people say. I guess I'm not really strong with my emotions, or maybe I just can't think for myself. Maybe I've been brainwashed Sorry, needed to chuck a little joke in there somehow, or else this would've been the gloom and doom.11

Ah, I guess since you're not online right now (12:32PM, February the 28th, Monday here, Sunday there), you wouldn't know that I'm sick. You were right, I just was sick. My head hurts like hell, and I've been getting so many dizzy spells. Maybe I have meningococcal (Or however you spell it) disease. Joy. But yeah, I'm probably getting the dizzy spells because I only got a few hours sleep since last Friday, when I went to the Lantern Festival. Don't even ask me why, I'll tell you sometime why I couldn't sleep. I never can anymore. It's so hard to go to sleep when there are millions of things running through my head. I'm such a worrywart. But yeah, there are millions of things running through my head, and it hurts my head. Overthinking, I think it's called. 12

where are you? It's Sunday. You should be online, or else you're probably off having fun with your friends. You always have so much to do, so much fun to have, and everything like that. And me, possibly deprived of any social life whatsoever, stuck home doing homework all the time, then going on the net cuz I don't have anything better to do.13

This just struck me, it was probably the reason my brain was nagging me to write this email. It sounds so much like a movie, but who cares. It's what's going through my head. If it sounds like a movie, stuff it, but you're better off with someone else. You need someone that you can actually offer you more than just a bunch of words. You need someone that actually deserves you. I told you, I haven't done anything to deserve you, and yeah, something will probably rip us apart before we meet. But all I can give you is words, and love, and you're going to want more. You should be with someone better, that can be with you when you're sad, and someone that actually has a sense of humour. I can never be there for you. You're on my mind all the time, but I can't do anything about it. I can't just call you and say 'Oh, do you wanna go to the park' or something like that, because, unless I can go on the plane and get there, I won't be able to be with you. I can never really do anything for you.14

Great. That sad song by that Japanese band (that perfectly describes what I feel) is now playing. This is more like my mini conversation with you, saying everything I've wanted to say. I'm assuming I won't send this to you, because this has a lot of stuff I would never say to you, probably because I'm scared that you'll think of me differently. I should probably write this out and mail it to you, but, big surprise, I don't have your address Not that I really need it. I mean, I'm starting to sound like some sort of lunatic stalker.15

I'm taking my temperature now. I hope my fever has gone down. Writing this might have made my head hurt more though. Why can't you just hurry up and get online? I want to talk to you. It'll probably get rid of my headache. Wow. That was freaky. You actually came online as soon as I wrote that. You are completely a mind reader. Or maybe I just have good timing.16

See? I'm happier already. But then, you're not talking. Maybe I should say something to you. Nope, you just talked. Thank you so much for finally taking me out of my spiel of boredom, sadness and tears (Yeah, I was crying for a bit while I wrote this. It breaks my heart to do this, even though you probably won't read it.) And there you go confusing me again. You could make a career out of it. If I had a dollar for everytime you confused me, I would be a millionaire.17

Gah, when were you smarter than me? Pointing out MY grammar mistakes. Oh well. Thanks for it anyway, since you'll never read this, you always spell together like this: togeather. Hehe. 18

Okay, I lied. I haven't been sleeping for ages. I've been typing this out for ages. Half an hour at least. No, almost an hour I guess. I did get some sleep today though. Not much, since more things were running through my head. The only time I get to think is when I go to sleep. My mum is gonna kill me for being online for so long today (according to her I'm not allowed on at all, but I'll lie, I do it all the time, sadly). And there's silence. Why aren't you talking? Meh, you have the ability to make me wanna scream "TALK TO ME" to you. Now I know this email probably won't get sent. Definitely not.19

Well, not yet.20

Now we're back to being awkward. Oh look, now we're okay. What was the purpose of asking if I need more rest or not? Why does it matter?21

Okay, I can tell that for now, I'm going to be fine. My temperature is almost normal. 22

You're a miracle worker, you know that?23

Love,24

Kelz25

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Actually, I changed my mind. You're silent again. I hate it when this happens. You're so silent, don't even bother talking then! I don't know, maybe you're just busy. I'll stop bugging you about it. Why do I even bother talking like I'm actually talking to you when really, you aren't gonna read this?27

Haha, I spelt noodles wrong. Noddles. Sounds like Noddy. *starts singing the Noddy song*28

Damnit, you got me on a high. Maybe you're a drug 29

I'll say this again. You're a miracle worker.30

Love Kelz (again)31

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Hey again.33

You said you needed to log. Whatever that was. 30 minutes to an hour...How do you expect me to live? I don't know. Oh well. You know, you just changed my mind about everything I said up there. Except the thing about how we might not last forever. But I think I know that you still love me...When you said "I'm sorry I can't spend every minute with you" I thought you were being sarcastic, or that you'd gotten mad at me or something. I was ready to just go offline or block you or something for being like that, then you added that little sad face. I wondered what it was for, so I asked. You said you really were sorry you couldn't spend every minute with me.34

So your new nickname is Pinky, huh? Well, it suits you, except for the part where Pinky is slightly delusional (Not like the Brain is any better), and except for the fact that you're not a mouse. But you're cute. I don't know how I actually got that though. I mean, you do look good, but I wouldn't describe you as cute. I've only seen three photos of you anyway, and from what I see...Well okay, you are cute. See? You're not even talking to me and you're right.35

Goddamnit, I'm living off talking to an imaginary person. Aren't I talented?36

You know, I just got an idea. For Christmas, I think I'll send you a letter, and a present. Well, either Christmas, or for your birthday, which is on August the FOURTEENTH, not the 28th. Which means I got it wrong. But oh well. Your birthday is only 10 days away from mine then Which means I'll only be one year younger than you for...10 days. Great.37

Your birthday is 3 days after my Dad's. Oh well. You can never get as old and crippled as him (Joke). But you're always special. To me, and to everyone else as well.38

Remember how you said I was the only one that made you feel wanted and special? I'm sure there were others. What about your friends or something? Huh...I just remembered you can't answer. You can't read this. I wish you could. Sure, there are bad things in here, but not really. It's just an honest opinion. And besides, it seems that the bad stuff is getting overruled by the good stuff.39

I could make this into a story if I made it any longer. I bet if I wrote this thing every time after I talked to you, within a month, this would be a story. Not that anyone would want to publish it anyway. This is like that book by John Marsden called Dear Miffy, except I don't put a bunch of swear words in it...Yet 40

You know the one thing that meant the most to me that you said today? No, it wasn't the thing about not being able to spend every minute with me, since I DID think that was sarcasm, but it was the thing you always say. Whenever you say I love you, I just go all tingly. I mean, I must have heard it at LEAST 40 times within the last month, but I love always hearing it. It makes me feel like someone actually wants me.41

My mum might come back soon. She'll probably kill me for being on the computer, but hey, I seem to recall that I argued with her and my dad for hours before they let me talk to you again, and they still don't let me use headphones to talk to you on Audio. Even though we never do anymore. It's really sad. Remember how in the holidays, before I went to Paihia, you said that we should talk on Audio for the last time before I go away for a week. We spent 2 hours talking that day. I made you laugh, and I felt really happy that I could actually do that, but you made me laugh about 20 times more than I made you laugh.42

God, I have a huge smile on my face remembering that. I also remember Aileen txting me and saying some really funny things in her TXTs. I wish I had kept them, but I deleted them after a while because...Well, my phone ran out of space. I remember though, the first day I was at Paihia (Well, the first night, same thing) I got a TXT from her saying 'DIS IS HILARIOUS, DUNCAN WON'T STOP ASKING BOUT U AND IM NOT EVEN MENTIONING IT I CAN C DA HUGE SMILE ON UR FACE ALREDY'. Well she was right. I had a MASSIVE smile on my face. It made me feel really happy that you even cared. Then that fourth night, I think, I tried emailing her from my cellphone. I actually wrote down these TXTs because they meant so much at the time, and since you didn't know what she said, I think I'll share it with you just for memories.43

Well, I txted her going "TESTING", and then she said that you asked if she was talking to me. You know what she TXTed back to me?44

Let me get my diary. Yeah, I am so pathetic. I wrote it in there!45

Oh wow. I remember the song I wrote about you back then. It was so crappy. I don't believe I can even read it, but I'll write it here anyway, just for the fun of it. I think it was called 'For Real'. 46

your smile is worth everything to me47

before i sleep i see your face48

one moment we're all fine49

but then we're just all over the place50

is this what love is51

is this the reason i cant leave you behind52

i just cant forget you53

every second with you just plays in my mind54

and although they distance between us is far55

ive never felt so close to you56

and although youre kind sometimes57

when you turn your back i dont know what to do58

i must be dreaming59

lifes disappearing60

i can only think of you61

let this feeling last forever62

and i know its now or never63

i need to tell you how i feel64

these feelings i have, i know they're65

for real66

so tell me why my heart 67

stops when im around you68

i look into your eyes and69

the whole world just fades away70

everyday i think of you71

you make me feel so special72

yes this is love, i know it's true73

im feeling it everyday74

is this what love is75

is this the reason i cant leave you behind76

i just cant forget you77

every second with you just plays in my mind78

and although they distance between us is far79

ive never felt so close to you80

and although youre nice sometimes81

when you turn your back i dont know what to do82

i must be dreaming83

lifes disappearing84

i can only think of you85

let this feeling last forever86

and i know its now or never87

i need to tell you how i feel88

these feelings i have, i know they're89

for real90

i must be dreaming91

lifes disappearing92

i can only think of you93

let this feeling last forever94

and i know its now or never95

i need to tell you how i feel96

these feelings i have, i know they're97

for real98

So now that i know99

is it possible that you feel the same?100

Yep, I wrote that song about you. It's scary isn't it? I skipped all the grammar things though. Anyway, back to the TXTs. Oh yeah, she asked me if you wrote me a long-ish email, and then she TXTed back going 'FIRST THING IS DID HE? [Refering to the email thing] AND IM TLKN 2 DUNCAN RITE NOW DNT WORI NOTHIN GOING ON AND DUNCAN TOLD ME 2 SA HI 2 U 4 HIM.' Oh geez, I was so happy you actually thought about me. I was all 'tell him I miss him' so she did, and TXTed me back going 'HE SED HE MISSES U 2 AND ASKS IF UR HAVING FUN I CAN JUST C DA HUGE SMILE ON UR FACE.' Well, Aileen was right. I was grinning ear to ear. Susan asked me what my problem was. I was very tempted to reply 'I'm im love, what do you think my problem is?' but I wasn't even sure. I was too scared to admit it to myself that I might like/love you.101

Man, that was all just a bit of reminiscence there for ya (See how much I love the word 'reminiscence'? Oh geez, Leanne is back online. She was so obsessed with talking to you, but I didn't give her your email. Is it okay? I know you won't like her in that way and all, but it's jealousy. Not really something I can control. I'm happy for her and Robert though, they ended up just like us. Robert took my advice and hinted that he liked her, just like you sort of hinted that you liked me. Oh man, that was hell. I didn't know if you liked me or not, and what could I do? Say 'It's me isn't it?' when you were like 'If she knew already and wouldn't talk to me about it, I would know she was trying to delay, or deny things'. What did you expect me to do? 102

Anyway, I'll talk to you again when you're next online. This feels so weird, writing out everything to you. One day, I'll send this to you. If it ever gets published (Which would be cool, but there's already another book like this, and it's way better) then you'll get it, but if not, then I'll just try to finish this when we finish. Yep, being pessimistic again, aren't I? But if we finish, then it'll be the end of this. If we meet, that'll be the end too, but until then, I want to keep this going.103

Ja ne (I learnt it in Japanese. It means 'Later' or 'See ya')!104

Aishiteru (Means I love you)105

Ten Kerii (My name in Japanese!!)106

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Man you're smart. How did you know I was sleeping? Or half sleeping anyway. You are waaay smarter than people give you credit for. I just had to say that. It's really freaky, you were just like 'Wake up sleepyhead' and I was attempting to get to sleep.108

You really don't suit the name of Pinky, do you?109

And I think you're playing WoW, while I'm stuck listening to Blaze of Glory. I still can't believe you sent me that song. It's cruel, just like you are when you leave me for WoW. Nick told me yesterday to buy it, but geez, it's like $94.95, PLUS the fact that you have to pay like 20 bucks a month to play. Goddamn evil game. I don't know how you can stand it.110

I just had to say that. If you ever read this, you must get over your obsession with WoW, just like I need to get over mine with FFX Oh well. You're like only into WoW when you play, and you sorta ignore everything else. And besides, your thing with 'Burn' and 'Whipped' is so annoying! You're always like WHIPPED and I'm like I don't know how to reply, then you call me a sicko?!111

Okay, you're not replying. I guess that you're too busy shooting squirrels.112

Aloha (Hawaiian ^.^)113

Aishiteru,114

Ten Kerii <---I'm addicted to Japanese.115

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GODDAMNIT HURRY UP AND REPLY!!!117

Geez, I hate it when you do that. You know, disappear randomly. If you're playing WoW, you usually Alt+Tab though, so where are you? You're not talking!! Or maybe...you are and my MSN isn't getting those messages.118

Great. Samuel (Aka Spamuel) is online. The guy Aileen liked. She can probably NEVER get over him. She thinks he's the only guy she's actually liked, properly. Then what's up with everyone else? What about Ben Churches (He's hot, sorry for saying that You know I go around saying random guys are hot, then you'll go HORMONES! and we'll laugh), Fraser Brown (TNIS' pretty boy, I don't know why, you look better than him. Maybe it's cuz I'm just not into pretty boys)...The list goes on. Her latest crush, Robert Fazekas, likes some girl from America. It sounded so much like us. It was quite scary, the way he was talking about her. I wonder, if we'd told anyone we liked/loved each other, would they have felt like I do now? The entire matchmaking thing, you know.119

Joy, now Julian is online. Everyone seems to come online now. He's some guy from primary. He used to be all 'Let's draw the Titanic sinking' and now he's just obsessed with porn. Gah, I wish everyone would stop signing in.120

Why aren't you talking? Do you hate me that much?? Grr. You have got to learn to give me some notice before you disappear off like that.121

Haha, I'm reading your profile. I remember the first day I read it...Ah, it's so funny. You're so posessed with eating babies. Meanie! And you going on about mastur...dancing, or whatever it is. You and Nick have got to stop your weird obsession with masturbating. Meh. Sorry, I just had to say it. You'll never read this anyway, so it doesn't really matter. And yeah (From your profile) I am still here. I never knew you used bloody hell. Sigh...You remind me so much of Taylor. Haha, that time you were trying to hint you liked me and stuff like that, then I said something about Taylor the next day and GODDAMNIT STEFAN WON'T STOP SIGNING IN! Sorry. Random outburst. Anyway, I said I liked Taylor to stop you from knowing that I liked you, then you said 'Oh the girl I like likes someone else.' That really freaked me out, cuz then I started to realise it was true.122

If you ever reply, I'll talk to you then. My mum should be home soon anyway, and then I won't be allowed on at all. Well, I'll have piano. Joy. And I need to pretend I'm as sick as this morning, or else she'll think I faked it just because I'm happy.123

Love ya,124

Kelz125

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Man, Duncan, where the hell are you? You've been 'busy' for at least 2 hours! Are you purposely making me miss you? It's really annoying just to see you online but 'busy' doing whatever you're doing. You're probably playing WoW and ignoring the rest of us. Or you forgot you had your MSN on. Either way, I thought you'd be here when I came back from piano. Today I had a good time at piano. I actually got good marks on my theory. Haha, like that time I was trying to do my theory while talking to you. Good times, a long time ago. You don't know how much I've cried today thinking about you. Not a good thing, and Aileen will probably go 'I told you so'. Man, she'd probably laugh her head off if she read this. YOU probably would laugh your head off if you read this. You do have a weird sense of humour, you know.127

I just realised, writing this is basically just my way of saying absolutely everything I want to say to you, without you even know that I'm doing it. Aileen told me to tell you some of the stuff I wrote in my first little thing to you, but I don't know. You would probably judge me for it, or...You know. Think I wanna end whatever we have.128

Nick, Aileen and Denise have all asked me a question that got me thinking. Are me and you boyfriend and girlfriend? I mean, it doesn't make sense, but it does, either way. The thing is, if we are boyfriend and girlfriend, how is it possible? We're 1000 miles away from each other, and, well, how do you have a proper relationship when you're that far away from each other? But then again, if we're not boyfriend and girlfriend, then why do we always say I love you? Or why did we used to, since we only say it when we say goodbye now. It confuses me. I don't know, but you'll probably know the answer. You always know these things. You don't really care what people say about you, or how they judge you. That's one of the things I love the most about you. Actually, I love everything about you. Your ability to confuse me, the way you're always so funny, everything.129

Oh there. You finally talked. Mind sharing where you were? You had me typing, almost going crazy trying to figure out where you were...And yeah, you do have a busy life. No reason not to tell me where you went though. And I'm a nerd, sure, Mr Always Right. I meant that in a good way, by the way.130

Now you shut up again. Oh well. I suppose I can't expect your life to revolve around me. I remember when you said that to me. I was so pissed/sad about it for a while, then I realised it was the truth. True. Your life doesn't revolve around me. You think of things other than me. I'm not on your mind 24/7. Heck, that would be so scary if I was. You're on my mind at least 12/7 though The other half I sleep, and geez, you appear in my dreams too. It's creepy. I mean, I think of you so much more than you think of me. Does this mean I love you more or something? Or maybe I'm just obsessed with you. Yeah, maybe I'm just too obsessed with you. We have our own lives. I have to move on a bit, aye. You can do it, why can't I?131

You would feel terrible if I cried in real life? You'd feel useless? Welcome to my world...132

I'll talk to you on MSN now. At least until you go, which is in half an hour. Half an hour more, doesn't seem like lots of time does it?133

I love you,134

Kelz135

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Heya,137

Well, I guess you're getting ready to go to bed now, huh? That half an hour sure flew by fast. Nick is now being...Well, hypothetically (I just like that word) a dick. He probably doesn't have one, but hey, who am I to insult your friend? I haven't even seen it. It being...Well, you know.138

Why am I saying pointless crap like this anyway? You're probably already getting ready to go to sleep. I wonder what it would be like to fall asleep in your arms. I wonder what it would be like to even be with you...Just to even see your face properly. Aileen complains and shit about how she needs someone to love her...I guess I know where she's coming from, but she doesn't know how bad it is to have someone that you do love, and you can never ever see more than words from them. They can never hold you, or ever kiss the tears away...It's like hell, really. And then you can never be with them just to hug them whenever they feel sad...139

And to think that Aileen is jealous of me...140

Uh oh. Dad's home. Night.141

Kelz142

Okay, I lied. Dad is home, but who cares. He doesn't mind. He thinks nothing is wrong because I'm on the computer. Joy. Yeah, I just told Nick what I told you about how I blocked you during Christmastime last year. I know it was such a stupid thing, but hey, it was cutting me up.143

But anyway, as I was saying, to think that Aileen is jealous of me...She says I always get along with guys so well. Little does she know. I always have to try to make conversation with guys just to get them to talk to me. The only guy friends I have really are Matt and Ricky...And you I guess. And Robert Fazekas, the guy Aileen likes that ended up in our shoes with the 'Liking someone you haven't met/online' category. But that's really all. Am I supposed to consider Nick a friend? I mean, I hardly talk to him. It's quite weird calling him a friend when all I really do is...Well, I always have to ask him 'WTF?' cuz I never understand anything he says. He's helpful sometimes, but he can never seem to stick to one topic.144

Not that I'm bitching about your friend or whatever...But you know.145

You should be asleep about now...You must be so peaceful when you sleep. Well you probably look peaceful. I bet you look really cute Who knows if I'll ever think otherwise. I thrash around in my sleep, so I guess we don't really go together in that department (I mean in the sleeping department, not the sleeping with each other department. I can just see you doing the winking emoticon now...Haha). If I fall asleep in your arms, I'll probably kick you right off the bed. Unless I sleep in your arms on like a sofa or something. Like sitting. Not like sleeping on a sofa. Gross. Well not really.146

What the hell am I saying?? I don't even get myself. My dad is giving me weird looks for typing. He thinks I'm supposed to be dying of sickness. I feel so tired...I'm listening to 'Mr Brightside' by The Killers now. It's such a good song. You'd probably hate it, since you're still obsessed with Bon Jovi. I admit, it is a pretty good song. But if I said that to you, you'd think I'm some sort of copier or something. I don't know, I don't really have a specific type of music I like.147

Geez, I can smell the smoke from my dad's cigarette right now. It grosses me out. One day, I'm gonna die from second hand smoking. I'm gonna close my door. This is so weird. I only smell smoke from where I'm sitting, not anywhere else. I hate the smell of smoke though. It makes me feel all icky. I'm glad you're not the type to smoke or do drugs or something like that. I guess you drink, huh? Not much, though. You're more sane than Nick, that's what I can say.148

Sorreee for bitching about Nick AGAIN!! But yeah, I had always thought of you as the type of hyperactive guy that likes to drink crazily. Well I thought you were like that when I first talked to you.149

I don't even have our first conversation. Ah, that was such a weird day. You and Nick kept saying the same things, and you were confusing me. Aileen and I used to 'want' Nick in some sense, or like him or something, but then, I don't know. Aileen said she even liked you for an amount of time (Long before she even suspected I liked you though), which sort of scares me. I suppose she just has to find that one person she loves truly...150

How many times have you been in love? Am I the only one you've been in love with? Like properly? I don't really know what's up with me asking that, since I remember you told me a number of times that I was like your 'true love' or something. But I know you'll find someone else...You can't go years and years (Cuz that's how long it's gonna take for us to meet) without not liking someone else. I just hope that if you do like someone else, you'll tell me. Don't go hiding it from me, cuz you know how much that'll hurt me. If you'll even care then...151

I'm so pessimistic, huh? I don't know how I manage to ALWAYS see the bad side of things. We're like almost opposites. It's funny how we're so alike in other ways though. I mean, I still remember that one time we were talking about scars. You said you had a scar on your left knee and left hand, and I was really freaked out by that since I have one on my left knee, and at least 4 on my left hand. It's also really cool that your birthday is only 10 days after mine. That is, if Nick got it right. Maybe I should get Aileen to ask you, since you'll find it weird if I ask you.152

Oh yeah, Aileen sent me the conversation you guys had today. Is that the type of conversation you guys have every day? So peculiar. It gave me a laugh though. You always do.153

Meh, I'm so mushy. I'll stop. I'm bored so I'm gonna read my old emails from Aileen. I've kept all 73 of them.154

Ahh, good old days. Remembering that email from when I was in Paihia again. You were so sweet then.155

You're still sweet now though. It's not like you were sweeter then when I didn't know you liked me.156

Geez. What the hell am I saying? I don't know what to say, even when you're not reading it.157

I'm going to go to sleep now, my head is pounding. You're probably still sleeping peacefully. I still wanna see you sleep. You'd look so...Well...Gorgeous is the only word I can think of, but you'll probably get offended by me saying that. But you would look gorgeous. In a manly way. You do look really manly though. It's quite cute. How lucky am I? ^^ I wonder if you'd be so sweet in person. Or maybe you'd just be shy.158

I just got off the phone with Aileen, after talking for half an hour about drugs. I promised you I wouldn't do them, just like I wouldnt' smoke or drink large amounts. I still remember all these things I bet you forgot. Just like that thing with how I didn't know what a rack was, but I did.159

Oh well. It's midnight there now, huh...Someday I'll be with you, and then I will actually be able to see you when you sleep. I'm sure it looks sweet.160

Goodnight. I love you, even though you probably can't read this. If you do, then you'll see I've written it something like 5 million times.161

Kelz162

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Tuesday 1st March 2005. Back from school, caught the 898164

Hey.165

I've come back from another fun filled day at school. I hate it. It's so boring, and our science teacher is nothing short of a dickhead. We had relievers for P.E. and English though, because Mrs Young and Ms Moodie were sick. Ironic names, aren't they? Ms Moodie, who is pretty moody, and Mrs Young who is incredibly NOT young. It's quite funny really, how ironic names can be. Nick said your last name was McCorbs. Odd, it's pretty odd sounding. No offense or anything. It reminds me of corn. You know, like corn on the corb? I'm so evil. Nobody has bothered telling me I'm not, so I guess I have to think that.166

Haha, Aileen just sent me some weird email. I'm talking on the phone with her, and she sent me some picture of Adam Brody when he was a teenty tot. Pretty cute. You look better though. No, I'm not saying this out of sympathy. I'm not that mean.167

Where are you now...? This is what I mean by 'You're never online anymore', you never are. You're always off at the gym with Kalan (Hah, what a cool name) or something. Not that it's bad, I like a guy who works out Geez. I hate giggling. It sounds so terrible.168

You know, I'm almost turning into you. It's so freaky. Maybe hanging around you has an effect on me (Even though I don't even 'hang' around you properly, just talk to you. I said Whipped to my mum yesterday. Who does that? Say WHIPPED to their mum?? I don't know. But it's totally your influence on me. I'm also typing in capitals now. I hope the typing in capitals thing doesn't last that long though.169

Actually I don't really want to keep saying Whipped either. It sounds so...Well...It sounds so Duncan-ish. And I'm not you. Thank god Joke. You know I'm joking. It doesn't really matter though.170

I'm also getting sicker. Well in that way, not the flu sort of way. I mean geez, you are a total bad influence. Maybe my parents were right. But hey, you're hilarious, and you're not really bad. I'm just influenced easily I guess. Actually, you're completely good. Except maybe the hyper bit, cuz I don't usually get hyper. When I do though, I'm all weirdly hyper. Like crazy (No shit, Sherlock) in a...Looney way?171

Okey, I don't know what the hell I'm saying now. We have to do this gay as Cultural Passport thing for Social Studies. It's so stuffed up. Who really wants to know where I'm from anyway? I mean, A) You can tell, and If you really knew me, then you would know. I just thought of C) If you wanna know me, ASK ME! How stupid. I wanna make it look good though, but I have to put a photo of me in it. I bet I'll look so stuffed up since I haven't taken ANY good photos since...Heck knows when.172

Oh look, you're online. Talk to you then.173

Oh wow, how unexpected, you're not there. Sigh. Wherever you disappeared to...I hope you're having fun. I give up on going 'Why don't you talk to me' since your life doesn't revolve around me, remember? Yeah, I mentioned it before, and yeah, I took it in. Like deep. Really deep. It hurt me. I admit it. It's so stupid, since it was like nothing, but I don't know. Just the way you said it made me feel so sad. I mean, you were just like 'My world doesn't revolve around you' with the little rolly eyed thing. I was so sad, so I tried not to even mention shit about me anymore.174

Hi if I'm there? What the heck? You know I'm here. I always am. Here for you, I mean. Well, you know. I told you. I tell you all the time.175

This just gets awkward, huh? Us talking, it turns so awkward. And yeah, you are good with words. How the hell would you make me swoon or be so in love with you if you weren't good with words? And besides, you seem good at English anyway.176

More silence. This gets really...Pathetic after a while. I don't know how we can be so awkward now. We used to talk so easily. What the heck is happening to us?177

Maybe nothing. I'm probably just being paranoid. And yeah, you and hormones. This is pathetic. I'll talk to you after Home and Away, if you're still there.178

Luv ya,179

Kelz.180

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How come now, it's always so silent? It's not like before, you're not dying to talk to me anymore. I don't know about me...Maybe I'm not dying to talk to you either. I wouldn't know. You disappeared off somewhere again without telling me! I really should be talking to you more before Daylight Saving comes. I mean, if what Nick said is right, and you guys go FORWARD an hour, then we'll be going BACK an hour, which means there will be 5 hours difference between us...How much will I be able to talk to you now? An hour a day, if I'm lucky and can get home before 4. By then, it'll already be 9 where you are. If I didn't think we could drift apart any more, here's the icing on top of the cake.182

Everything good always does get taken away, like you said. It'll all end up fucked in the end. I don't know, the sad thing is, if we end it, we probably can't even be friends. We'll probably end up never talking again. You see, everything has to happen NOW, or else we'll end up breaking up (Well you know what I mean. Not as in boyfriend girlfriend thing cuz I still don't know about that) and never talking.183

Great. It will end up fucked. I mean, in the holidays we talked on Audio practically every day (Yes, this again) and I dunno, even though I thought you didn't like me in that way, it made me feel so happy.184

And now you're being so silly. Never, ever try to mess with me, I'll get you I don't know. It's so fucked up now. Everything is.185

Now Cathy is making me read her story thing. Remember when she came over to my house and you said she sounded hot? Haha. I'll read it now, since you're being silly.186

Kelz187

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You know what? Why do I even bother...We're totally losing each other now. Sometime, when we stop it, I'll send you this. You'll know everything I've thought about you, me, Aileen and us. How I think we're falling apart, and everything. You'll know everything I think about Nick, about school...189

I just wish I could tell you all this now. How I'm so scared we're going to end. How much I want to tell you this...All of this. How much I love you, everything. I don't know what I mean to you anymore. What do I mean to you??190

Yeah, good, you realised it too. Correct, we don't talk to each other half as much. Am I supposed to be happy?191

Oh well. We seem to take ages to say goodnight now. It's gotta take at least 5 minutes if you're not in a rush. You're probably turning off your computer now, and getting ready for bed. Or taking a shower and doing your homework...But then again, should I really be thinking of you in the shower?! Since I've like barely even seen you besides your face, I shall forget about that thought. But how often do you think of me otherwise? Is it just 'Talk to Kelz online (Even though I'm 'Kelly' in your eyes, or mind whatever) then forget about her the rest of the day?' I'm definitely not like that with you. It's probably more rare to find a moment when I'm NOT thinking of you.192

Oh well. I'll ask you someday. Or you'll read this and answer if you can. That is, if you're not PISSED OUTTA HELL at me. I probably pissed you off. I wasn't in a 'I don't care' mood today, by the way. I was sad. Everything you do, or more like don't do, makes me sad now. Meh, I'm probably just too sensitive.193

Nick is being a dick again. Sorry. I know he's your best friend and everything, but seriously, he annoys me. I don't even know why he bothers talking to me. I hardly talk to him. It's really creepy. I'm just like SHUT UP and he's just like tampons and crap like that. Why do I wanna know?! Gah. He can never stick to one subject either. You wanna know what else?194

No, I'm not even gonna say it. I don't want you to get a bad night's sleep tonight. I bet you're still doing your homework (Or in the shower, but I said, I'm not gonna think about that...Yet ) or something, eh? You'll probably go to sleep at like...11 there, 8 here. I'm going to do my stupid Cultural Passport thing for Socials.195

I love you,196

Kelly197

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Tuesday 2nd March 2005. Back from another hot day...199

Heya...200

Today, it's sooo hot! I'm trying to enjoy our last days of summer before YOU GUYS get summer (*Sniff*) and we're stuck with winter. Goddamn rainy days, I won't be able to walk to school with Lisa anymore. Geez, so I'm stuck putting on more flab in the winter...Joy.201

Stupid science today. It's not actually that bad. I got an E!! (It's not like E as in a bad grade) It stands for Excellence. They have the NCEA levels of marking, there's NA (Not-Achieved), A (Achieved), M (Merit) and E (Excellence)!! I felt so proud when I got Excellence. I suppose it's not really that good, is it? I mean, it's just a stupid grade. I never have been so good at schoolwork. Okay, I'm good at English (Well everyone says so, but I was sooo bummed out by the A- I got) but I never thought I was good at anything else...Oh well. I want to get good marks this year. Especially in English, Maths and Japanese. I'm doing Troy for our myths and legends thing that we have to study. It's so unfair, but I suppose you know the meaning of unfair more than me. I'm doing Achilles though, and it's really cool. You wonder if a long time ago, it ever did happen. What if Thetis HAD dipped his heel in? What if Achilles hadn't gone? What would have happened to Troy then? Would the Trojans have won? Would there have been peace?202

In our lives, it's so sad because there's always the what-ifs. Like, what if I hadn't said something about me writing songs that day. Would you have told me about the 'mystery girl' you liked? And if I hadn't said I liked you, then would you have told me? Would we have gone on unknowing about it? Well, I guess we both knew, but the thing was, would either of us had the guts to ask? I remember you said to me so many things. Was it your way of hinting to me that I was that girl? And how you said 'You'll be the first to know'...Did you mean that literally? Or did it just slip out unintentionally? And why did you do those winkies instead of just TELLING me if was me? Instead, I asked you who the mystery girl was and you said I already knew. I asked if it was me, and then you're just like .203

What the heck was that supposed to mean...?204

Oh well. Laura and Matt are still being so shy to each other. I mean, if we met, or if you lived here (Or I lived there, whatever) would we be like that? Would we just hang out with our friends and never talk to each other in public? I don't know, it would just be so sad if we did...I mean, I do actually want to spend all my time with you...Why does life have to be so goddamn unfair? Life just tries to split us from each other, don't they? I said before though, maybe if we do end before we meet, then it just wasn't meant to be. We'll move on, and find new people. I'm gonna say this to you on MSN though. If we do end, and we find new people...I really still want you to be happy. If I say things that hurt you, or anything, I'll still love you. And if we move on and find new people, I want you to be happy with her, and be as nice, caring and everything as you were to me. Yeah, I'll probably be jealous, unless I'm the one that hurts you, but I'll still want you to be really successful in the future, and I'll still want the best for you. This might sound cheesy, but somehow, I'll always be with you. Carried at the back of your mind or wherever, I'll always be with you, and I'll always love you. And I probably will think of you all the time, still.205

This is getting too mushy. You'll laugh your head off when you read this. Should I bother sending it if it's so mushy...? You'll laugh your head off! Geez, I never have been good with words, have I? Oh well. It's from the heart, and if you can't accept that, I guess you're not who I thought you were.206

Who do I think you are? Well, caring, funny, nice, smart...Good looking But yeah. I never thought...Nick said you wouldn't drink or something till you're 18...You wouldn't kiss loads of your girlfriends. However many you've had. Have you even had your first kiss? I feel stupid even asking that, because I bet you have. I mean, unless you're a dick to everyone at school and that you've gone out with, you've gotta have kissed one of them. As for me, stuck in the endless pits of single-ness. I've been single wayyy too long.207

I'm sooo fricking dizzy. Maybe I have meningococcal B, or I think I just haven't been drinking enough water. It's so hot now, and I think I was like half dehydrated at English today.208

I'm gonna look up the lyrics to Gareth Gates' songs. They're really pretty (Well, some) and the songs are really good.209

Luv ya210

Kelz.211

Wait. One thought. How many times have I said luv ya in this entire thing? At least 30. You'll get sick of hearing it, if you ever read this. I'm sure you will. Oh well...it shows how much I love you, I guess...Or not. Who knows. I mean, I can't even describe how much I love you.212

I'm GOING TO LOOK FOR LYRICS NOW! I even take ages to say goodbye to my notepad thingy.213

Bye.214

Kelz215

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Should I even bother carrying this on even though you're...Already read all this? I knew I'd send it someday. Well I guess this is the end of this idea...I'll still write in it if there's more things I can't say.217

For the last time...218

I love you.219

Kelly220

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4th March 2005222

Heya.223

Hehe, I'm writing again. So what happened to that last entry being the last one I'd write? well, I was just...getting an urge to write to you. Odd, huh, since you can't really even read this. It just makes me feel better, knowing that someday you'll read this and you'll understand more than you probably needed to, but since you read the first bit, I guess it's good.224

Oh wait, I'm trying to look up something to do with Henna tattoos. I shall type when I'm done.225

Done. My friend did a really cool Henna thing on my arm today...But that's irrelevant ^^ Anyway, I had to get some stuff out of me today and basically this...notepad thing...is the only thing I can talk to (Not literally, but in some sense).226

I know you told me someday life would have purpose, that I'd have someone I love, and kids, and then my life will have meaning. Well, my life isn't having meaning right now. Sometimes I reckon it would be easier just to die, instead of bothering to live and keep getting hurt over and over again. I would probably kill myself, except I still have to finish up things, then I won't really care whether or not I die. But the thing is I want to see how my life turns out. Where I live when I'm older, who I marry (If I marry anyone ), what my kids look like, what sort of future I have...That sort of stuff. And also, I have to meet you before I can even think of...Well how do I put it nicely...Suicide? Nah, I won't kill myself. Yet. I'm not really...How do you put it...Gutsy enough to do that. But a lot of times I've thought about it, but who cares. As I said, my problems are nothing. You're probably the only thing (Besides the 'I wanna see how my life turns out' thing) that's keeping me happy right now.227

Why am I doing this? I feel really stupid...228

Luv ya,229

Kelz230

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Ignore what I said. I am (Yet again) waiting for you to come online...If you even DO come online. You're probably off doing something else again (Wow, how specific am I?) and I probably won't be able to talk to you today either...Oh well. It's so boring, I have absolutely NOTHING to do. I have to get glasses to read the board. It's quite sad. But oh well, I'll live. And I don't know, if I'm lucky, I can go back to China and get laser surgery to make my eyesight perfect. I doubt my parents will let me though.232

Who cares? Aileen said I look the same, just smarter.233

Isn't it weird how you never see movie stars with glasses?234

Who cares, yet again. If you come online, I'll talk to you.235

Luv ya,236

Kelso.237