Gone Crazy Be Back Soon Part Seventy Six

The summer arrived
I began seeing the new therapist
That the social workers’ agency
Had recommended for me work with1

The therapist’s name was Kelly
And we seemed to work well together
I liked that I was starting over new
With someone who hadn’t already
Passed a million judgements on me2

She asked me what issues I felt
Needed to be worked on the most
I told her how I needed to learn
Better ways to deal with the voices
Better ways to tolerate my depression
And ways to stop my eating disorder
From taking my life away from me
Literally3

I was sure she would ignore the issue of the voices4

The same way everyone except Harding Hospital had
Instead though she began to ask me questions about
The intrusive and frightening voices and visions
I answered her questions honestly and it felt good5

We didn’t talk about them too much in our first sessions
Because they were just “getting to know you” sessions
But in sessions that followed we addressed all aspects
Of my issues and problems that were ruining my life6

I looked forward to therapy sessions because they were
The one place I could be honest with out being called
A liar, manipulative, borderline, or anything else of the sort7

When I asked her about the diagnosis of Borderline
She told me that no one really should be diagnosing
A person under eighteen with a personality disorder
Because my personality was not done developing yet8

Kelly explained to me how9

Not eating enough made me symptoms worse
Because it prevented my medications from absorbing
Into my system fully and properly enough to work10

She explained how I had to be careful
Because when I purged the medications
Weren’t staying down the way they needed to11

We made a deal together that I would be honest
With her about my eating disordered behaviors
Because then she could better discern how much
Of my psychological state was being affected by
The behaviors that I used to regulate my weight12

Kelly was straight forward and kind with me
Both at the same time and I liked her approach13

I had a pretty good summer14

There were no big emergencies
There were no hospitalizations
There were no big scary crises15

There were a lot of trips to Six Flags
There was my sixteenth birthday party
(That I celebrated with Anne and Christine
At a huge rock climbing gym with fun
Forty five foot high walls that we got to climb)
There was a week long vacation in Cape Cod16

The voices were fairly quiet through the summer
They were quiet enough that I could easily hide
The fact that I was still hearing them fairly often
My depression was light enough that it wasn’t hard
To paste smiles on and pretend that I was all better17

I did a delicate dance around my symptoms
In order to hide them and convince my parents
That I was doing so well that they could take me off18

The waiting list for the department of mental health
And that they could forget about that whole report
The two-faced social worker had written up about me19

Then in August20

I got to go to my first overnight camp
I went to a outdoor adventure camp
That specialized in rock climbing
It was a four day camp that I had been
Looking forward to all summer long
There were three other boys and me
One junior counselor who was a girl
And two regular counselors one was male
And the other one who was my favorite
Was a young woman with a contagious smile21

The first two days of camp were really fun
We went rock climbing at two different cliffs
And went on a ropes course at the camp base
I was having so much fun that I barely thought
About anything besides the immediate present
What hold was I going to grab onto next?
What was the best route to map out for my climb?
Which lake should we stop to swim at?22

In the evenings we would hike to a camp site
And pitch our tents on the flattest ground we found
I slept in a tent with Lisa the sweet junior counselor23

Despite the fact that the ground inevitably would
Be very hard and rocky and the tent would have
At least one mosquito in it I still slept soundly24