Gone Crazy Be Back Soon Part Seventy Five

I was discharged1

Two and a half weeks after being admitted
Three days after I was discharged
My mom had to make an emergency doctor’s appointment for me
My whole face had completely swelled up to the point where
I could barely see out of my swollen eyes
I couldn’t drink because my lips were so puffy
And my whole body was really itchy 2

Dr. Kimmens told me that I was having an allergic reaction
To the new antidepressant that Dr. Whitman had started me on
Dr. Kimmens said to stop the antidepressant immediately3

Harding Hospital had recommended that I go to a partial hospital
That was designed especially for adolescents with eating disorders
The first Monday that I was home my dad drove me all the way
Into Connecticut to the partial hospital treatment program4

At the intake for the eating disorder program
They weighed me and took my blood pressure
By that point I was 79 pounds
And they had to use a child sized blood pressure cuff
Because my arm was too small for all the other ones
I was fifteen years old and still wearing children sizes5

Despite all of my obvious problems with my eating disorder
The partial hospital program refused to accept me
They told me I had too many other problems
And they were worried that if they treated my eating disorder
It would exacerbate all of my other problems
They explained that the eating disorder was like a coping skill for me
And that treating the eating disorder would be taking the coping skill away
They worried that my other symptoms would get stronger if that happened6

Three hours later my dad drove me all the way back home
We were both fed up and frustrated with the world7

Harding Hospital had started me on a new antidepressant
And had made a referral for eating disorder treatment
I had had an allergic reaction to the new antidepressant
And was not accepted to the eating disorder treatment program8

We were back at where we had been before the hospitalization9

My parents and I were exhausted
The fight was draining but we would
Continue to fight because we had no choice10

We decided that it made the most sense
For me to finish the tenth grade from home
My teachers wrote up packets of what I needed
And I worked on the schoolwork every morning
It at least offered me a distraction from everything 11

My parents seemed sad all the time
I wanted them to be happy so badly
I seemed to be sad all the time as well
But I didn’t know how to make myself happy
A social worker came to our house12

My parents explained that she was
From a special program that could
Help us get different services that
Might actually help us cope better13

The social worker talked to my parents in the living room
For a really long time while I waited in my bed room
Then she came up to my room and talked to just me
I didn’t know what she was trying to figure out
And I was scared of being judged so instead of talking
About all of my problems and hospitalizations I showed her
My big collection of stuffed animals and dolls and smiled a lot
People seemed to like me better when I smiled a lot and was happy14

After hanging out with me for a while
The social worker called my parents upstairs
She asked us what would be helpful to us
My parents said I needed more therapy
She gave them the name of a therapist
Who dealt specifically with eating disorders
She said that insurance would cover her
She also gave us the name of someone
Who did art and movement therapy 15

“My agency will cover twelve once a week sessions of therapy with her.”16

She told my parents
She asked what else
Might help us as a family17

“I think Cassie needs more fun activities to keep her busy and distracted.”18

Dad volunteered
After asking me about what kinds
Of things I enjoyed doing she thought
Then she smiled and told us she had an idea19

She told us that her agency would purchase
Season’s passes to the nearby amusement park
For the spring and summer and early fall20

Before she left our house
She smiled at me and I
Smiled right back at her
I never saw her again21

But a couple months later
A report from her came in the mail
I wasn’t supposed to see it
But dad had it on his desk
When I went in his home office
Looking for a pencil sharpener22

The report had my name at the top
What was I supposed to do
I was curious and it was about me
After all so I figured that I had a right
To read through the entire thing23

The report recommended that
I should begin seeing the two new
Therapists whose names I recognized
From the meeting at our house
It came with three season’s passes
To our local amusement park
So far it was nothing unexpected
But then I turned the page and read on24

The report stated that I was a danger
To myself and that I was in need of
More intensive services then I could
Receive in my current living situation
The social worker wrote that I not only
Would be put near the top of a waiting list
For the department of mental health
She also said that I needed to undergo in depth
Psychological testing with some psychologist
Whose name was printed on the following line
At the bottom of the report she wrote that
It was unlikely I would be able to continue
Living at home in the community and that
I was deeply disturbed and would most likely
Need to be placed in residential treatment soon25

My eyes were blurring over from all the technical language
And then difficult news embedded within the impersonal words
I could barely finish reading the report without dripping wet tears
All over the report that I was positive hadn’t been meant for my eyes