“Hey, Mel, will you with me to deliver this last pizza?” Luke asks me. He twirls his car keys in one hand, balancing the pizza in the other. I nod and follow him out to his old, beat up Chevy, which was half dark blue and half covered in rust. I have no clue why Luke loves this old thing; he even has a name for it.1
I pry and tug at the door in a useless attempt to get it open. Luke reaches over the seat and pushes it open. The inside of his car looks just as bad as the outside. The cloth on the ceiling is peeling off, and he stapled it so it would hang. He started to throw random items such as tools and wrappers in the back, making room for me.2
He smiles wryly. “Sorry,” he says, putting the key in the ignition. “It get’s so messy in here, and Lucy here is getting kinda old.”3
“Kinda old? It is old.” He pulls out Pete’s Pizza driveway. “You know, I don’t see why you keep this -”4
Luke slams on the breaks, flinging me forward, the seatbelt digging into my shoulder. A slick black car pulls out in front of us. As they drive off, he honks the horn angrily and mutters something about drunk drivers. “Well, she’s a little out of tune, but at least the breaks work fine!” he says cheerily.5
I stare at him. “It toots. It doesn’t honk, it toots.”6
“Hey,” he argues. “She may have a little toot in her honk, but it’s more of a honk than toot.” He grins. I give him a funny look, then shake my head in defeat and turn in my seat so I can look out the window. Trees and houses flash by.7
The sun is barely reaching over the tops of the trees, reaching out as if a last farewell gesture. Luke takes a sharp left turn, making my shoulder that got hurt in the almost accident slam into the side of the truck. 8
“Sorry,” he mutters when he sees me rubbing my arm.9
When I look back out the window, I realize we’re in some kind of driveway that looks like it was placed in the middle of a jungle. There are trees on both sides of the drive, brush has taken over most of the driveway, and you can tell where cars have been through.10
The drive ends at a small clearing. I could tell that, in the dim light, there was small shack like house set in the center, and woods on all sides.11
“This is it?” I ask in distaste. Wouldn’t the government condemn something that looked like this?12
“I think so. At least, it’s what the mailbox said” Something starts blaring, and Luke digs in his pocket and pulls out a small silver cell phone. “Hello?” he says, answering it, and then to me, “Can you deliver the pizza for me? You know how to.”13
I glare at him, but he doesn’t notice because he’s already talking on the phone. I carefully remove the box from the seat between up and fight with the door. When I get it open, I glance over at Luke who is still on the phone, and step out of the truck.14
Slowly, I make my way up to the house, trying to avoid supsicous looking weeds and sticks. I knock on the door and wait. No answer. I know again, and when I get no answer, I’m about to go back to Luke’s truck, when the door cracks open. A pale face appears between the door and wall.15
“Yeeesss?” the woman croaks out. Her eyes look black in the dark. I can’t tell what she’s wearing, because I can only see her face.16
“Pizza,” I say.17
“Ahh, yes. Just leave it open on the porch. They get hungry, you know.”18
“Um, okay,” I say, thrown. “Well, uh, that’ll be seven dollars and fifty cents.”19
“Here.” I look down, and a pale hand is thrust towards me, palm down. I can tell there’s something in her hand, but I can’t tell what it is. Automatically, I put my hand out, and she drops the object in it.20
It’s a giant ball. I look up, my mouth open ready to speak, and she slams the door in my face.21
“But, the money,” I say loudly, hoping she can hear me through the door. I hear something that sounds like crinkling paper and look down. A slip of paper is being slid under the door. I pick it up and examine it; it’s a twenty dollar bill. “Do you want your change?” I wait for a few minutes, but when there’s no reply I leave the pizza and hurry to the truck.22
When I get back, he’s still on the phone and obviously didn’t notice what happened.23
I hand him the twenty, and he went on talking on the hone, clearly not nothing the extra twelve dollars and fifty cents.24
Comments
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entreguing(yeah i spelled that wrong)
"hey mel, will you COME with me..." "i nod" ...can be made into two sentences
I love-->“Hey,” he argues. “She may have a little toot in her honk, but it’s more of a honk than toot.” i'll be quoting it from now on
OOH! I LOVE THE CREAPY HOUSE! wonder what the ball is!!! MORE PLEASE!!! -
basically?
i can't wait to read more ^_^ lol
this was awesome!!!

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Nice led
Hello Meep,
This is a very interesting story and this seems more along the lines of an introduction then a first chapter as it introduces the charters.
Here are a few things that caught my attention:
In para 2 you refer to the half blue Chevy as a car then as a truck in para 8, 14, 15, and 22.
Para 3 get’s should read gets.
Para 5 “breaks” should read “brakes.”
Para 11 would sound better like this “The drive ended in a small clearing.”
Para 14 “between up” should be replaced with “between us”
Para 15 “supsicous” should be spelled “suspicious”
Para 24 “hone” should read “phone”
All in all it is very good the next thing you might try to tackle is which person you are writing in. Some of the time you were writing in 1st person and part in 3rd person try to keep it the same it makes for an easier read. I noticed this problem because I have the same one in my own writing. It’s as if your thoughts are faster than your ability to write. I look forward to reading more from you in the future.
Koragan

beginning: 3, language: 2, plot: 2, ending: 4, dialog: 2, characters: 4.
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Thanks! I tend to do that, I know, switching from 1st to 3rd person.
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Interesting! You did a good job (=
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The last sentence has just a few typos.
This is a very interesting story. That woman is beyond creepy, and one wonders what her problem is. I would love to read more of this story, if you wish to continue it.
The old woman character is funny though. I sense a retired cafeteria lady who is part which and loves to feed the pigeons. Oh, what one persons imagination can come up with
But yeah, con structively, I would just say to expand it, and give your characters some background. Thank you for sharing this.
Great story. Good luck with it.
Kevan.
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