GRAYNIGHT. Chapter 1, the escape.

FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL,1

my only chance of escaping this hell-hole.2

Maybe it would have been easier if my parents didn’t drag me out here in the first place,3

GrayNight, some creepy gothicy (is gothicy a word?) school. It is creepy, and everyone inside is perfect. Too perfect. Which makes me feel…un-fit-in-worthy. I have black hair and brown eyes. But everyone else has either brown hair with blue eyes, or blonde hair with blue eyes. 4

Ugh, I feel so left out. Did I mention I am running through the forest at 3am? Well I just did. It is FREEZING out here. Who knew it was cold in Washington? They could’ve given me some warning. The warmest thing I have here is my jumper, which is about half a centimetre thin. 5

I repeat, ugh! 6

Still running…well not really I gave up running 5 minutes ago, when I walked out of the school gates.7

Hmm…maybe I should sing…Nah.8

It’s officially been…7minutes since leaving the school. Yeah, I just looked at my watch.9

3:10am10

Still walking11

*sigh* still walking around, I think I’m lost. I just walked passed the same tree I saw one minute ago. *sigh*x212

I started singing…didn’t help. La di da di da. Oooo…that helped!!! La di da di da! 13

3:11am 14

Stopped walking and stared at a tree.15

La di da di friggen da!16

Oh this tree is beautiful. It’s so green and...tree...ey. I don’t thing that’s a word either.17

Skippy, skippy, skippy!!!18

Skip, skip, skip.19

Tree, tree, tree.20

Ow, ow, ow I just ran into the tree. You know the one I was telling you about? The one I kept walking past? Yeah. That’s the one…ok back to the story.
-------------------------------------------------
Still cold, I pull my half centimetre thin jumper closer to me. Still doesn’t help. 21

*snap* I hear a twig snapping under someone’s shoe, but I’m not walking. I spin around to see a guy dressed in black, just…staring at me. I start running my heart beating a mile a minute. He’s catching up.22

Oof! I hit the ground as he tackles me.23

“Get off me!” I screamed but he didn’t move.24

“Are you okay? Is the person you were running from gone?” he asked, in a soft voice. Surprisingly I looked at his face to realize that he was a boy, 15, my age. 25

“The only person I am running from, is you!” I replied angrily, “Now get off me.”26

“Sorry, I was only trying to help.” He said shoving off the ground to stand up. He offered to help me up, but I just looked passed his hand. 27

“Why would you think I was running from anyone?” I asked curiously. He really was quite good looking.28

“I don’t know, you just started running. So I came to help.”29

“Uh…I was running from you, until you came I was…I was…” I trailed off too embarrassed to admit I was looking at a tree.30

“Looking at a tree.” He finished off. 31

“…yeah…” I blushed.32

“I see…why were you running anyway?” He asked changing the subject.33

“Oh, uh, that school,” I said pointing back. “It’s driving me crazy already, and I haven’t even started the semester yet. My parents dragged me here saying “oh this will be such a good experience blah, blah, blah.”34

“Oh, I just got here, I’m starting the new semester too.” He said lazily.35

“Ugh, at least I know one person here now, besides my parents.” 36

He laughed; his laugh was like music, slow and beautiful.37

“Well then you can’t leave, can you?” 38

“Are you asking if I want to leave, or if I can?”39

“Maybe I should say this, don’t leave me now, you’re the only one I know and I’m the only one you know.” He replied.40

“Well then, maybe we should start heading back.” 41

“Lead the way. Hey, I never got your name?”42

“My name is Camilla, and you?”43

“I’m Peter.” He said shaking my hand.44

“Nice name, Peter.”45

“Like-wise.” 46

We walked back to the school gates together, in conversation. As I stepped up to the black, metal gates of GrayNight boarding school, I knew my life would change. I took a deep breath and stepped passed the gates, awaiting my first day.47

Author notes

This is the first chapter in my novel, its not very good, so tell me how i can improve

In a list

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 81 of 81

  • Lullaby.x
    September 20

    Edit | Reply
    this was to very good! lol, I found it humerous at points abut also very interesting to read. It wasn't one of those stories that drag on and on talking about meaningless things like overly detailed description. Instead, you limited the description making it a unique read well maintaining my intrestest. At the beginning of the story, your writing style reminded me a lot of Sharon Creech when she wrote the story, "heartbeat." Fantastic job!

    ~Lullaby.x


  • lessthan333
    September 13
    Edit | Reply
    i don't like this...sorry


  • CrystalFairyWings
    September 3
    Edit | Reply
    Yeah i read this one...... but the next one?


  • Lady Eventide Greeters member
    August 31

    Edit | Reply
    Hiya!

    I think this was a rather interesting read overall. I saw some things that you need to work on, but I really found myself enjoying this, especially the part when she's singing and everything. GAWD! That was hilarious! Well done, especially for a twelve year old.

    Lady E,
    Greeter


  • x.SilverHeart.x
    August 27
    Edit | Reply
    Yeah I agree with Blue Turkey.. funny
    Love the story so far... I think I'm going to continue


  • Para Turkey gold member
    August 20
    Edit | Reply
    hahahaahahah I love the bit when you say La di da di friggen da!!!!! funny


    • Clary--Selene--Tayy gold member
      August 20
      Edit | Reply
      lol thanks, my comp is being slow so im gunna shut down for a while, I might be back in an hour or so


  • thegirlwhowrites
    August 15

    Edit | Reply
    One line in particular really stood out to me.

    "He laughed; his laugh was like music, slow and beautiful."

    What a lovely bit of description! There were lots of other inventive sentences also.

    I enjoyed it, and want to read on. Particularly as I'm confused as to why she is running around in the forest at 3am.

    Keep it up!


  • CrystalFairyWings
    August 13
    Edit | Reply
    *applause* well done, im going to read the next chapter.

  • CrystalFairyWings
    August 13

    Edit | Reply

    WELL DONE CLARY

    Well done, Clary.I loved it , and if i had any points watsoever, i'd give you three applauses. hang on, i can without clicking it! five out of five!

  • Hoodwinked
    August 12
    Edit | Reply
    JOB*

  • Hoodwinked
    August 12
    Edit | Reply
    This was a very good story i absolutely love the part about the tree =D. GOOD JO


  • musical tai
    August 9
    Edit | Reply
    hm i liked it, except for the randomness part. It kinda threw me off other thn that good job! keep writting! <--potato?


  • JJBanReo gold member
    July 28
    Edit | Reply

    You Crazy Girl

    What the h*** has this got to do with FAMILY????

    Oh, well, who cares. It's fantastic, weird and cool.

    You're a finalist.

    JJ

    beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 1, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 3.


  • Asfand
    July 28

    Edit | Reply
    Nice, extremely interesting. You could use some serious editting ... but good concept.

    Anyway, thanks for entering!

    Great job, this certainly was very nice!

    Good luck!

    Asfand


  • black reflection
    July 25
    Edit | Reply
    ironic, the name peter is the angel that stands at the gate of
    heaven,i don't know if that was intenal,it just made him look so much more angelic.
    gabe

  • Adele Ellen Bakker
    July 25
    Edit | Reply
    Sorry, but I did ask for stories not chapters and your second line is not one I would share with my 7 year old.


  • Le Masquerade silver member
    July 23

    Edit | Reply
    Well I've read your story before and commented but thanx for entering it into my contest Good luck!


  • caitecola
    July 23

    Edit | Reply
    You're welcome. Oh yes that's right you did say you weren't looking for points. Well, feel free to keep me updated. I wouldn't mind continuing your story.


  • caitecola
    July 23
    Edit | Reply
    I meant not exclued from an honorable mention lol

  • caitecola
    July 23
    Edit | Reply
    No, it is very good! You should be proud. Not a lot of people can express ideas as easily as it seems that you can. This chapter sets up a good background for the school, but things I think it needs our these:

    Background of her and her parents. Where did she come from? Where was she before? Why did her parents want her gone (besides her having a good experience, I got a feeling that wasn't the only cause?)

    What's Camilla's personality like? What are her hobbies? How DID she view leaving where she was and HOW does she view her situation now? I might suggest, although this is entirely up to you, perhaps having Peter and Camilla meet after the semester has started. I'm thinking it might make more sense to explain in the story her first few days at the school; then meeting Peter will be more climatic and make easier segway into a new section of your story.

    Last thing I'd put in would be a specfic context of time. What era is this? Past, present, future? Sometimes, when I write out stories, the actual era doesn't come to me until I write more dialouge between characters, and put places to reality, but one thing to remember is that it's always important to establish with your readers the time and place of a story, that way, while reading, no unnecessary that can't be asnwered through continuation of the story pop up.

    Anyway, I hope this has helped you. I did enjoy this very much, and btw, I really liked how you made Camilla think to herself. That is something I would KEEP!

    As far as my contest, you did not add any lyrics, but I won't disqualify you. I'll see what other entries I get, but you are note excluded from an honorable mention. I think with more work, this can turn out to be a very compelling story. Keep me updated.
    Good Work.
    C

    • Clary--Selene--Tayy gold member
      July 23
      Edit | Reply

      woah long comment!

      Lol thanks for the comment and tips!!! im not entering contests for points or trophies, im just entering to get some reads and commentsthe points are nothing to me

      Thanks again
      Clary.


  • amanda vampiress silver member
    July 8

    Edit | Reply
    This was interesting. I enjoyed the scene with the cute boy. Here are my suggestions to help you improve your writing.

    1. Use more description. Like try giving the background or the characters more description and it will help to enrich your story.

    2. Find some way within the next few chapters to help you make your story unique so that it may stand alone among all the other novels out there that take place at a boarding school.

    3. When writing I would try to stay away from using asterisks (*) and adding in actions. If you want to show action then 'tell' the reader instead of 'showing' us. Like this: 'Throwing my hands into air, I sighed in frustration.'

    Again, these are only suggestions to help you become better. You can choose to follow them or not. I enjoyed reading your story. I also enjoyed the comical moments mixed within all the drama. Good job. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck!


  • Killmemylove
    July 8
    Edit | Reply
    XD AHH hehe tree! i like it XD i want more of it coz tis XD lol idk randomly koolies ^_^

  • DeathByChocolate
    July 5

    Edit | Reply
    Interesting idea I would like to read more, which is a good sign

    Anyway, good luck and all in my contest


  • CallMeWhenUrRich
    July 5

    Edit | Reply

    Judge's Comment

    Well, since I've already commented on this before, I don't see any sense in repeating what I said.
    It was refreshing to read it again though.

    Good luck.


    • Clary--Selene--Tayy gold member
      August 6
      Edit | Reply
      There are more chapters to this story, please read


    • Clary--Selene--Tayy gold member
      July 8
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks but sadly...i failed in ur contest

      • CallMeWhenUrRich
        July 8
        Edit | Reply
        Aww! Don't be sad!!! You're a really great writer, the only reason you didn't win was coz the story wasn't really suited for the contest.

        See, it was more for some challenges between friends, not meeting them. That's the difference.

        But don't worry, I still enjoyed your story! Had it been a different contest, you might have had a chance of winning!


  • Dual.Of.Fireflies
    July 1
    Edit | Reply
    Sorry, I will be DQing your story. It's OVER 600 words...


  • YaoiQueen Killa
    June 29
    Edit | Reply

    -.-

    Meh, personally I didn't like it, though there were funny parts too it, add it to my friends contest, she wants random stuff like this. Her name thingy is killmemylove ... Got it?


  • Jokers Harlequin
    June 29

    Edit | Reply
    This was pretty good. I liked the idea very much and I didn't see any major grammatical errors, though there are a few errors. Good start. Keep up the good work.


  • andhearts. ox
    June 29
    Edit | Reply

    Awkward

    Your shameless promotion name put me off reading this, but it was actually alright.


  • ProjectPromises
    June 29

    Edit | Reply
    *jumps up and down*WOW, I really hope you keep going. I sense some romance between Peter and Camilla, Didn't see any major mistakes or anything, Anyway going to read chappie 2

  • CallMeWhenUrRich
    June 29
    Edit | Reply
    Ooh, this was really interesting.
    I think you got a pretty good plot written out and it totally reeled me in.

    I think you could be a little more descriptive with the surroundings and the background of the girl though.

    Overall, pretty good job!


  • Cupcake14
    June 29

    Edit | Reply
    Hmmm..you need to infuse something original into it, because the girl-attending-boarding-school thing is way overdone. especially the meeting the cute guy bit. nice, though you have some grammar mistakes.


  • hsmlover1
    June 29

    Edit | Reply

    Wow!!

    This is very good chels. I've always liked a good school, collage and so on story. I really liked the idea ansconcept of the story and thank you for entering a short story contest rather than a advertisment! Oh yea i tottaly was in laughing hysterucs when peter tackles the girl and she he says "Who are u running from?" !! and when she answers!! Ha so bloody hailerious! Good Job!

    AND

    Good luck on the contest!!

  • Le Masquerade silver member
    June 26
    Edit | Reply
    hahaha, I literally laughed out loud when I read the 25.line
    “Are you okay? Is the person you were running from gone?” I thought at first that he was a complete twit. Good story and good luck in my competition.


    • Clary--Selene--Tayy gold member
      July 1
      Edit | Reply
      haha sorry for the late reply how come that makes everyone laugh?? haha i didnt expect it 2 be funny


  • Y2Jay
    June 19

    Edit | Reply
    hmm... i liked it. it really revolves around the whole 'fitting in' crisis. trust me, i know how that works.


  • citcat
    June 19
    Edit | Reply
    nice work chels, keep it up


  • Chanel xxxx
    June 19
    Edit | Reply
    It's good and...er...very interesting lol. r they gona b gfrend n bfrend in tha nxt chapters??

  • Clary--Selene--Tayy gold member
    June 19
    Edit | Reply
    The reason all of my stories have the same background is because my computer is stupid and wont let me change it, okay?

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