It was, at times, a most dreary and dreadful place—hung with webs that the bleak sun shone through, illuminating odd patches of weeds and roots—and yet, though the contrasting times were not dominant, it could hold all the splendor of a ball's rich gayety. Capable of equally housing both, mixed together, the clearing’s amounts were dependant on its visitors. Such was this place—a place that one, if with but the proverbial seed of faith, could believe in.1
Let us look more closely into the circumstances of our imagined scene. Thus far described, it is possible to perceive the area, the dreadful clearing, to be animate. And indeed it may be. But, if we are to look more closely—to examine some rather large, increasingly occurring events—we may find the scene to house more than a few anomalous, peculiar qualities.2
Near the far end by the trees, a small carousel spins round, chirping its melodic bells. And on this carnival entertainment, with faces most happy, shouts a small group of children with no apparent reason for being there other than to defy the gloominess of their very surroundings. Their smiles seem plastered, and they are such a chipper group that one would think them to not even exist. Surely, the depression of their adult counterparts must seep into their heads when they are within their dark and graying homes. But then again they may have no homes. Perhaps they reside permanently in this naked part of the forest, surrounded by the woods and drinking the water of a stream on the far west side of the clearing.3
It is by the children and this carousel—a little ways off beyond the arch of two entwined trees—that we discover the faint form of a man just now entering into the scene. He is perceived to be rather unusual, unmoving beneath the leaves hanging on the branches above. The man simply stares out from the forest, gripping the trunks, his arms spread out like the figure T; his mouth moves, also, but it is to a degree of ineffable slightness likening a murmur barely breathed. What is it that he has said? A child notices him, looks away from the entrancing bulbs of the carousel, but says nothing to the man, giving us no clue. The man’s lips twitch again and he sways between the trees, shifting his weight from his left unto his right, tightening his grip on the trunks. Suddenly, he gasps and coughs. Reaching for a kerchief in the seat of
his pants, the man falls, dazedly, to the ground.4
The boy runs for the man, off of his artificial steed and nearly skipping. As he reaches him, he stops, the lone, thought-to-be ever-present expression changing on the child’s face. The smile is still frozen, but there is a gleam to the eyes, a shade behind the boy’s lashes. “Here, sir, shall I help you up?” he questions, pleasantly enough. The man nods from his place in the dirt.5
When finally standing again, the child leads him to a bench near the carousel. There, the other children gather around their visitor, and the man returns them all with a tight-lipped grin “Why, hullo. Bless you all,” he says. “Such a great day, isn’t it?”6
“Yes it is, sir. How do you do?” a small girl asks from the crowd.7
“Quite well, Mirabelle, sweetheart. And how do you do, yourself, child?”8
“Very well, sir. We’ve all missed you while you were away.”9
“Well, how long has it been since I was here last?”10
“I don’t rightly know.”11
And with that the man opens his dirtied coat and draws out a pipe, propping it between his lips but not lighting it. “Well, I don’t think I’ve been away too long, sweetheart. Why don’t you go ahead and ride the carousel a while longer?”12
“Okay, sir,” she answers, smiling and complying. All but some of the children follow her and again mount their horses and other creatures on the ride. A few of them run off to the left of the man, past the stream in the west, and only the shadowed boy remains with him, sitting next to him on the bench. The man doesn’t move, his gaze fixated on the carousel and his ears listening to the music of the old bells, ringing out with the swirling of the ride, striking softly through the air’s stillness. The boy looks to him and nudges him slightly, but the man does not respond. Like a dumb fool, the man sits there, his mind slowly clearing.13
The clouds still rest above the trees. In the gray sky, they stride gently along with the high breezes and winds—the sun a mere blotch of light behind them. Rain falls over the forest, its presence marked by the granulated fog, but there are no droplets over the clearing. It is cold there, and the boy begins to shiver.14
“Sir?” he murmurs.15
“Yes, my boy?” the man answers, his cheek wet.16
“How many times will you be returning?”17
He lights his pipe. “Until death, Charlie.”18
“But if you keep coming back here, if you keep returning to this place, this forest and clearing, haven’t you already passed?” The boy’s lips begin to tremble but he still smiles, even grins at moments.19
“No, my boy,” the man turns to Charlie. “Sat down, I will still be right here.”
He motions towards the carousel. “Watching that, spinning round.”20
Charlie looks towards it. “I’m sorry, sir.”21
“It’s okay, son.”22
And thus the man and the boy, Charlie, continue to watch the carousel and all the children on it, still sitting on their bench together. The group that had earlier ran off to the west had disappeared into the trees, as a group did before when the man visited the clearing earlier. The numbers of residents there have been dwindling.23
It was thought before that these children, these champions of happiness and seekers of where it is lost, had no homes. And indeed it is true. For these children abide within the clearing itself, and all this time—unaware—we have been describing not a clearing of a haunted wood, but a clearing of the grown man's soul and mind. These children—as most of us have seen from the beginning of their introduction—are not normal. Therefore, lost themselves in the dark eaves of depression, they must be the dwindling drugs, the diminishing years of that drunken man.24
Soon, as time has passed and upon an unnumbered visit, the man enters the clearing to behold only the boy, Charlie, and his sweet girl, Mirabelle. The man falls heavily at the trees, the sun shining brightly, and cries. There are no upward curls to the two children’s lips, nor is there any laughter. The carousel had long ago rusted, become immobile, and the children stand by the bench now, alone.25
They, too, have tears on their cheeks.26
“I’ve missed you, Mirabelle and Charlie,” cries the man. “I am so sorry for what I’ve done, for where you’ve gone, for what has happened. I am so sorry.”27
“We know, Father,” they whisper back, sitting down and motioning for him.28
“I’m sorry I’ve lost you.”29
“We’re here.” And again they motion for him.30
But the man stays there at the entrance, on his knees and palms, staring into the dirt. “I can’t come.”31
“Father?” they question.32
“This is my last visit… I’ve drunk your friends away as I’ve done to myself.”33
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Author notes
Well, originally this was only four paragraphs long, but because of an early prompt from Gary Alexander, I added to it and developed it.
This is the result.
I need critiques, as I'm not quite sure if this has worked or not. 
[This is intentionally written in an archaic fashion. It started out as an emulation of Nathaniel Hawthorne.]
In a list
A contest entry
- A Critic's Critical Critiquing by Asfand.
350 points, ended June 26, 23 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - In Your Own Backyard by SoundInkMusic.
600 points, ended August 3, 10 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - My First Ever Contest (ENTER THIS IT ROCKS) by BlackTide.
125 points, ended September 14, 23 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 39 of 39
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Really enjoyed this - and you've got good grammar, which is ofter hard to find. I've never known anybody to use the word ineffable when not talking in one of my Philosophy lessons. Thumbs up!
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I LIKE VERY MUCH
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 2, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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An extended metaphor.. heh, it definitely didn't come together until at the very end. I had the impression it was of a similar write I read elsewhere; not to sound snobbish, but it was "professionally published" whatever that might mean. I forget the title or author of that piece, but it matched with your opening style almost perfectly; let us imagine this place, maybe it's like this and has these elements about it. The traits didn't really matter, it was the ending that did and the point that came with it. Since this seems to be a concrete case there where it's a drunken person losing his years, I don't know if that nonchalant introduction works as well as hers did. Very interesting, and just out of interest I had to finish this; for me though, I did feel a bit lost and wondering what the point to it was. Maybe a tad too long, but not sure. Good write either way.
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What to say
The descriptions were archaic, but there was something wrong with a dark forest having a carousel in it I think. That lingered in the back of my mind as I read, and I couldn't get a real picture of it. Dark forests conjure up images of loneliness to me, not children's playgrounds. I'm sure it was your intention to create the strange scene, but the sadness mixed with gladness from the children was also wierd. Made me suspect that for the most part they hated the older man.
I did read the entire story, so you must write well, I just thought I'd mention my experience as I read it. I guess the best summation would be: it didn't add up for me, but I liked it anyway.
beginning: 1, language: 2, plot: 3, ending: 5, dialog: 2, characters: 5.
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Then I'm sorry to say that you missed the entire point of the story. :/
I thank you for the applause and for reading through it.
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I really have nothing to say. I copied and pasted it into word to correct your misyakes but you had none and I mean none. Your a terrific writer. you don't need a reviser you need to be a revisiest. i'm sorry but that was just wonderful
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It's a little confusing but very interesting. I still don't quit get it but what i got was amazing this was really cool.
-Aregato -
ranooosha
hi, wow you emppresed meee!!
this is a verry goood story!!
is there more you wrote?
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I hate when imaginary worlds go away. This is very sad. The loss of the magical place with the happy children.
Did you mean to use "The Clearing" in two different ways? You mentioned that the man's mind was clearing as if that caused the rain. I may be reading it wrong. -
This story was wonderfully written and the words flowed nicely. I enjoyed reading it and I am sure that someone else checked the spags, so why run through that again?
I found the story to have good pacing and the words used were good ones. It was worth taking the time to read.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thought provoking
As you are expanding the story, I hope you can unravel it a bit more slowly. Your descriptive prose is pretty good. I could feel the scene wrapping itself around me. Be patient, let the story "ease on down the road." Nice concept, a bit dark (for my taste), but it is a Hawthorne emulation.beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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My bad, I knew I had read this before but I thought I didnt comment, So sorry lol
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Not something that I would usually read. But it was wonderful and i am glad i came acrossed it. This really was wonderfuly written, I enjoyed it very much.
Keep up the good work,
Dew -
Everything all had a great fit at the end
This was beautifully written as awell, it didn't draw me in at the start though, but as I read, it became more stable for me lol
I can't put it in words but this was a very good piece
And also an intellegent read as well lol
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Wow this is awsome. YOu really did a great job on it. Even of it was just a random idea, you should think about it more and continue with a plot. Its a great story really. You have a real talent for random stories. You should try thinking about diffrent ways for a whole plot to unfold with it. THe dital is amazing as well.
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I almost walked away
At first I didn't quite get it but the more I read the more I became intrigued by it. By the end I was completely aware of what the meaning was and what a great interpretation of this man. Very well written, very good grammar. The characters were well described as well as the surroundings. Made me feel like I was standing there watching it. It had a very spooky feel to it the whole time but also a somber aura to it. This kind of writing seems to suit you well and I would continue writing in this fashion. You have a very good talent, keep it up!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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since you were a finalist I read a random section (paragraph 12) and rated you a 8 1/2 (with 10 as the best) nice job here!
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I LOVE THIS!!!! I could see it going on in my head, playign like a movie
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Amazing hook! Good work!
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Descriptions are awesome!
para 1: gaiety. I think.
para 2: though hardly occuring. It sounds a bit odd. Maybe irregularly occuring? sporadicly?
ooh. this is intriguing. Not too keen on the style - I think the "fantasy narrator" is slightly overdone. *reading your AN, I already knew it was intentional. And it's well-done, but too much. Just tone it down a tad, and it'll be fine. I think the main problem is that it's quite a modern setting* But the actual storyline...intriguing.
The ending was sort of what I expected, but not quite - I thought the children might all have been ghosts to begin with. -
Wow! I really liked that. Good job on the great writing, and I hope to see more of your work
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This is really well written, the description is effective and at the same time it gives a sense of mysteriousness.A good story, and I liked reading itThere are a few hings that you could easily fix like the changing tenses but that not much really. Your plot kept going and had alot of description.
I found this very intriguing, and I loved the imagery. I cried in the end.You have a very imaginative story here.Good job on the story and i hope everyone else likes it toobeginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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Good job
A good story, and I liked reading it. spooky, annd that is my favourite setting Anyway, I liked the story, and hope to see more of your writing in the near future. I am also hoping to see one of your stories in my contest, 'D & M- Deep and Meaningful' for it would be a pleasure to read and judge. I will be watching for more of your stories, and hoping your talent will go far.
~Blue
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Cool
hey there. This was a very interesting and spookey story. I was hooked by the title of it while i was searching around for a good story to read. There are a few hings that you could easily fix like the changing tenses but that not much really. Your plot kept going and had alot of description. I enjoyed the way that the story told itself to me in a way and it was that that had me hooked from start to finish. Good job on the story and i hope everyone else likes it too -
Excellent mystery story.
Hi there, brother. I call you brother because I share your faith. You have a very imaginative story here. I quite enjoyed it. I found your use of metaphor very creative when I saw that the clearing was the mind of the drunk. It’s got the suspense that compels one to finish reading it. That’s good. As writers, we can always read our stories over and over again and see changes we need to make. The main ones I have seen here are simply where you tend to change tenses. They’re easy to fix, and even though this might look like a lot of criticism; it isn’t really. I’m just using a lot of your own writing and then writing it again with suggested changes. It’s a good story, and I think you can make it better by following these suggestions. I really enjoyed reading it.
C 2: In third line I would suggest replacing the exclamation mark with a period, and I’d delete the comma after occurring.
C 3: This sentence confused me: They are such a chipper group that one would think them to not even exist.
If they are a chipper group, would it not be obvious to everyone that they do exist?
C 4: Line 4. I think it should be either- leaves that hung on the branches, or leaves hanging on the branches.
In line 4 I’d suggest changing likening to like. In line 7 you could do without-
but it is. It’s just unnecessary wordage. In line 8, I might change the first word
to audible instead of breathed.
C 5: I’d delete the comma after him in line 2. In fact this entire sentence could be written to be clearer: As he reaches him he stops, the lone, thought-to-be ever-present expression changing on the child’s face. My reasoning here is, what does the reader know of this lone, thought-to-be ever-present expression on the child’s face? It’s the first I’ve heard of it.
In line three you change tenses: “Here, Sir, shall I help you up?” he questions, pleasantly enough.
It’s always better to use said than questions, remarked, mumbled, shouted, murmured, etc. They are all words that are distractions to the reader, whereas the word said goes almost unnoticed. Anyway, back to the change of tenses: I would suggest you change that sentence to- “Here, Sir,” he said in a pleasant tone. “shall I help you up?”
In the next sentence it should say the man nodded- not nods, which again changes the tense.
C 6: I find this paragraph confusing and verbose. I would try to shorten it, yet say the same thing. Perhaps something like- The boy helped the man to his feet. He laughed when he saw what an ordeal his disability had been for the boy. The child led him to a bench near the carousel.
Watch for tense changes again: I would say- There the other children ‘gathered’ around their visitor, and the man gave them a tight lipped grin. (Or something to that effect. You don’t need to say showing no teeth. Imagine a tight lipped grin. Do you see any teeth?)
Again, tenses: I would change the last sentence in C 6 to: “Why, hullo. Bless you all,” he ‘said’. “A great day, isn’t it?” (not says)
C 7: You don’t need a capital S on sir. And – a small girl asked. (not asks)
C 12: You have written- And with that the man opens his dirtied coat and draws out a pipe, propping it between his lips but not lighting it.
I would change opens to opened, draws to drew, propped it between his lips but didn’t light it.
C 13: Again watch out for tenses. “Okay, sir,” she said and smiled. All but some of the children ‘followed’ her and again ‘mounted’ their horses and other creatures ‘for’ the ride.
A few of them ‘ran’ off to the left of the man, to the West, and only the shadowed boy ‘remained’ with him, sitting next to him on the bench. The man ‘didn’t’ move, his gaze fixated on the carousel and ‘he listened’ to the music of the old bells, ringing out with the swirling of the ride, striking softly through the air’s stillness. The boy ‘looked’ to him and ‘nudged’ him slightly, but the man did’ not respond. Like a dumb fool, the man ‘sat’ there, his mind slowly clearing.
C 15: “Sir?” he murmurs. Again, tenses- ‘murmured.’
C 16: “Yes, my boy?” the man answers, his cheek wet. I would suggest getting rid of the distracting word, answers and replacing it with ‘said.’ Also, answers is present tense. Should be answered.
C 18: He lit his pipe. “Until death, Charlie.”
C 19: The boys lips ‘began’ to tremble but he still ‘smiled.’ even ‘grinned’ at moments.
C 20: “No, my boy,” the man turns to Charlie. “Sat down, I will still be right here.”
He motions towards the carousel. “Watching that, spinning round.”20
Tenses: the man ‘turned’ to Charlie and sat down. “I will be here next year.”
He ‘motioned’ towards the carousel. “Watching that, spinning round.”
C 21: Charlie ‘looked’ towards it. “I am sorry, Sir.”
C 23: )Tense changes)
And thus the man and the boy, Charlie, ‘continued’ to watch the carousel and all the children on it, ‘still sitting’ on their bench. The group that had earlier ‘run’ off to the West had disappeared into the trees, as a group ‘had’ before when the man visited the clearing earlier. The children's numbers ‘had’ been dwindling.
C 24: Tenses again-
It was thought before that these children, these champions of happiness and seekers of where it ‘was’ lost, had no homes. And indeed it ‘was’ true. For these children ‘lived’ within the clearing itself, and all ‘that’ time—unaware—we ‘had’ been describing not a clearing of a haunted wood, but a clearing of the grown man's soul and mind. These children—as most of us have seen from the beginning of their introduction— ‘were’ not normal. Therefore, lost themselves in the dark eaves of depression, they must be ‘on’ the drugs of that drunken man!
C 25: Tenses again:
Soon, as time has passed and now finds the man upon an unnumbered visit, the man enters the clearing to behold only the boy, Charlie, and his sweet girl, Mirabelle. The man falls heavily at the trees and cries. There are no upward curls to the two children’s lips, nor is there any laughter. The carousel had long ago rusted, become immobile, and the children stand by the bench now, alone.
Soon, time passed and now found the man on an unnumbered visit; the man entered the clearing to behold only the boy, Charlie, and his sweet girl, Mirabelle. The man ‘fell’ into the trees and cried. There were no upward curls on the children’s lips, nor ‘was’ there any laughter. The carousel had long ago rusted, become immobile, and the children ‘stood’ by the bench now, alone.
Note: The reason I changed, ‘The man falls heavily at the trees and cries.’ is that you used the adverb heavily. Adverbs that end in ‘ly’ always weaken the verb. Many young writers make the mistake of thinking the add to the story, when, in fact, they weaken it.
C 26: The sun is shining above as the children, too, have tears on their cheeks.
I suggest: The sun shone and the children, too, had tears in their cheeks.
C 27: “I’ve missed you, Mirabelle and Charlie,” cries the man. “I am so sorry for what I’ve done, for where you have gone, for what has happened! I am so sorry.”
Tenses: cried the man.
C 28: Tenses: “We know, Father,” they whisper back, sitting down and motioning for him.
I’d suggest: “We know, Father,” they ‘whispered’ back, ‘sat’ down and ‘motioned’ for him.
C 29: But the man stays there at the entrance, on his knees and palms, staring into the dirt. “I can’t come.”
I’d try- But the man ‘stayed’ there at the entrance, on his knees and palms, staring into the dirt. “I can’t come.”
C 30: “Father?” they question. Try- “Father?” they ‘questioned.’
C 31: “This is my last visit... I've drunk your friends away as I've done to myself.”
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"It was, at times, a most dreary and dreadful place--hung with webs that the bleak sun shone through, illuminating odd patches of weeds and roots." Very powerful opening line! It drew me in from the very beginning. Nicely done.
One crit I had is that it seemed a little overdone, or melodramatic in places, but that may have just been a stylistic choice more than a mistake. Good piece, regardless. :]
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Fantastic
The writing style was suitable to my preferences and I'm a hard man to satisfy. I was going to sway my attention to something else, but you've done something that was gripping.
I do have one point, I do not like the way you address us as your audience, and I think if you've kept it indirect, it would have added some more "Mystery", but that aside, everything else is fantastic. -
beautiful
this was beautifuly written and i hop you write more!
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This is beautifully written, and very cleverly done. In this i could both sympathize and empathize
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I love the archaic style, then, if that's the case.
I found this very intriguing, and I loved the imagery. I cried in the end. It was so sad that all of this came from the mind of a drunkard...and what he said to the poor little imaginary children.
“This is my last visit... I've drunk your friends away as I've done to myself.”
I found nothing to critique about this, but I wish there was more. It was a very touching tale. I didn't think the Clearing was all in someone's mind...so you surprised me.
Well done. Very beautiful.
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This is very cleverly done
It's been a long time since I last read anything written in this fashion and the style, as someone has already mentioned, reminded me of Edgar Allen Poe.
It took me a while bfore I realized this Clearing in the woods was all in the mind of a drunkard.
The ending is very poingnant but also leaves its mark as a message as to wht can happen when drink becomes the master.
Very well written, with clear descriptions, good narrative and dialogue and wonderful imagery.
This was a joy to read.
Lawrie
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This is really well written, the description is effective and at the same time it gives a sense of mysteriousness. It was a very clever story with the idea that everything was simply in the drunken man's imagination. It is also very sad and creates lots of empathy for the man by the end as we realise the truth of his situation. This is certainly a story that gets you thinking. It was original and heartfelt, well done!
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Oh yes, I remember this! Still reads as stunning as the first time - excellent concept!
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I was very taken with the idea of this, especially once it was revealed that the scene was only playing out in his head. It does have a slightly older feel to it, though that is by no means a bad thing (I have a healthy amount of respect for Mr. Hawthorne). The writing did have a few rough spots in it, I think largely due to the time period you wanted to place it in, but on the whole it worked out rather well. This was an intriguing write, very different from what I'd expected - but what can I say, I'm a fan of surprises =) Thank you for the submission, and best of luck with the contest.
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I loved it! I though you used imagery and description very well.
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this reminds me a lot like edgar alan poe. i am a big fan of his... and yours. good discription. i liked it.
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Very interesting. Nice progression. It is dark, but in a searching for salvation kind of way.
By way of critique, I offer that your phraseology and delight in description does, in this case, confuse the flow just a bit. for example:
"It was, at times, a most dreary and dreadful place--hung with webs that the bleak sun shone through, illuminating odd patches of weeds and roots—and, yet, though the contrasting times were not dominant, it could hold all the splendor of a ball's rich gayety. " (Par 1) This intro would be more effective, I think, as two sentences. This allows the reader to digest what we've just read about the current state of the clearing before envisioning the contrast. A possible alternative maight read like so: "It was, at times, a most dreary and dreadful place hung with webs that a bleak sun shone through to illuminate odd patches of weeds and roots. In contrast, though the occurances were not dominant, it could hold all the splendor and rich gayety of a ball."
In addition:
--Thus far described, we behold the area, the[this] dreadful clearing, to be haunted. And indeed it may be! But[,] if we were to look more closely—to examine some rather large, though hardly occurring, events—we would find the scene to house more than a few ghastly [ghostly] apparitions.2
--Near the far end[remove dash]by the trees, for it is in New England's woods[,]a small carousel spins round [remove comma] chirping its melodic bells.
--They are such a chipper group that one would think them to not even exist[not even to exist.][Begin new sentence]—surely, the depression of their adult counterparts must seep into their heads when they are within their dark and graying homes. [, or perhaps they have no homes.]But perhaps they have no homes.3
I think if you would go through the piece and cut back some on the hyphenations and the commas, the emotion of it would flow easier. This is a challenge I have encountered in my own writing. Be careful not to allow your desire for your reader to see exactly what you see to overload the description of a single sentence.
I do so enjoy reading your writings. Your gift is evident and will only improve with use. Thank you for making it available to us.
--Cassie-
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Thank you very much for the comment and edits. I appreciate it
Thanks for reading.
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Brilliant -
I thought it was an absolutely brilliant piece of writing. I love the style, the way it started, the way it moved. I loved your descriptions and how interesting this came out to be. And especially, I love the whole concept. Definitely out of the box. I've read eight stories and this is my favorite by far!
It's a very dynamic concept. It makes you think of someone on the brink of insanity. I felt gut-wrenched when I heard only the boy and the girl were left and the carousel had rusted! That was beautiful.
My only criticism is that I wanted a deeper connection between the children and the old man. It should be more descriptive and emotional (and it becomes very very vague in the middle) which puts off from the story itself.
Otherwise, I think this was exquisite! Good luck and thanks for entering!
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