Mr. ILL

Washington D.C.1

It was Friday night and everybody was out there getting drunk and having a good time. Up in the sky, he could see the rain clouds were coming in fast. He figured it would be about ten minutes before it starts pouring. He could smell it coming.2

He was standing on the rooftop of an old, broke-down building that used to be an apartment complex. It hadn’t been used for about twenty years. If you asked the people in the city about the complex, they would all tell you it was haunted. They said that if you go in there, you never come back out alive. 3

He laughed when he heard a couple of guys talking about the place in the bar. They were making up stories to scare each other. He knew the place wasn’t haunted. He was the main reason why people never came out alive. The apartment was his headquarters and stupid people came in every now and then to see if there were really ghosts in there. He would kill them and feed the bodies to his dogs. They knew too much.4

He thought this was the best spot to do his new assignment. The wind was starting to pick up, making the strange man wrap his long, leather coal around him tighter. How long does it take to prepare something so simple, he thought. 5

As if someone had heard his thought, another man appeared on the top of the roof. He started walking toward the man in the leather coat and then stopped about ten feet away.6

“S-Sir?” the man asked nervously and rightly so. He was a twig compared to the man in leather. Not to mention, he had head some stories about this guy that made you wish you never heard them.7

The leather man had his back toward him so he couldn’t see the man’s face. The man turned his head slightly toward the left and asked, “Is it ready?”8

“Yes sir. Would you like me to bring it out to you?”9

“No! I want you to get it and throw it over the side of the building! Of course I want you to bring it to me, retard man,” the man growled. The person jumped and headed down the stairs that lead into the complex before the leather man could do anything to him. Man, I hate working with people on this kind of stuff, he thought. They never get things right. He would have done it by himself but he couldn’t be at two places at once and this was a very important job that he couldn’t afford to mess up. He only had one shot at this for it to go perfectly. 10

The guy was back on the roof, this time holding something long and curvy, wrapped in red, velvet cloth. The man in leather turned around and held his hands out in front of him. The guy gasped, gave the man the object and backed away quickly. It was his first time seeing the man’s face and he wasn’t prepared for it. His eyes were an unnaturally bright maroon and the deep scar that started slightly below his right ear stopped just short of the corner of a sneering mouth. His dirty red hair barely touched his shoulders and more scars criss-crossed both of his hands, rippling across his skin like so many snakes as he reached out to grasp the package. It was now easy to believe the rumors of the tattoo on his back, a dead tree covered with barbwire and right beside it, he had the word ILL burned in.11

“When I say now, I want you to tell the guys in the walky-talky, to go into the room and prepare the evidence. Then when everything is in place, call my cell phone. Am I understood?” The man explained while he was taking the cloth off the object.12

“Yes, Mr. ILL. I understand,” the man replied softly.13

“Good,” said Mr. ILL. He then took off his long, leather coat and threw it at the guy along with the velvet cloth. Underneath he was wearing a black, sleeveless shirt and a pair of torn-up jeans. He went to the very edge of the building and got down onto his stomach with the sniper gun in his hand. The sniper gun was made by him along with the bullets. It could shot twenty miles away with perfect aim. It was the best tool if you wanted a nice and easy assassination. He was about three miles away from the White House. There weren’t any buildings blocking his view. He could actually see right through the window of the President office. The flag was down, meaning that the President was away but Mr. ILL didn’t care. It wasn’t the President he wanted to shoot; it was his daughter and tonight was the only night he would be able to get her alone. 14

The daughter was going to be in the office in exactly one minute. All alone and unaware that she was going to drop dead with a bullet in her pretty, little head.15

Mr. ILL loved this part of the job. The waiting. It was like the lion crouching in waiting, waiting for the right moment to take down its prey. It was the suspense. It gets his heart pumping so fast, that it hurt.16

This is it. This was the moment. The President’s daughter walked into the office and was standing by the desk. She was in full view in the window, just as Mr.ILL knew she would be.17

“This would teach you for being in the wrong place, at the wrong time,” he muttered gleefully. Ready. Aim. FIRE. He pulled the trigger. It was going to take exactly thirty seconds to reach its target.18

“One Mississippi…Two Mississippi...” The daughter was still standing by the desk. She was right on target.19

“Ten Mississippi…Eleven Mississippi…” He couldn’t wait to see the paper tomorrow. He was going to have to buy a copy and frame it somewhere.20

“Twenty-two Mississippi…Twenty-three Mississippi…” He wondered what the President was going to do when he comes back and finds his daughter dead in his office. He guessed he’d find out soon enough. How fun this is going to be.21

“Twenty-six Mississippi…” The main thing that he was wondering was what Detective Reelin was going to do when the police and lab technicians find his fingerprints all over the office. It was going to be priceless. He hopes he’ll be there in person when they arrest him.22

“Thirty Mississippi,” whispered ILL. It hit, right in the bulls-eye. “Now.” The guy holding the walky-talky started talking quickly in it. It should only take a minute or two to place everything in there. They have been practicing this for a year just to make it go quick and smoothly. Not to mention, it took about six months to get his people working as security guards in the White House. It took a long time to plan and hopefully, it was going to pay off big time. His cell phone started ringing the Halloween theme song.23

“Hello.”24

“It’s all done boss. Everything is in place,” a male voice told him.25

“Good work. Now hurry on outta of the room and act natural. Remember you didn’t hear nor seen anything. I’ll see you guys tomorrow to pay you.”26

“Yes sir,” the reply came. ILL dropped the call. He then got to his feet and walked toward the guy with the walky-talky. He gave the man the sniper back and took his coat back.27

“Clean it and put it back in its case. Our job here is done.”28

Author notes

This is one of first attempts to start a novel. It's kind of superhero and villain thing.

Orginally this was going to be the second book in a trilogy I was writing, but now that I had time to think about it, I want this to be the first one because Mr.ILL is one of my favorite characters that I have created and I wanted to share him to the world.

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 45 of 45

  • Little Lilly Angel
    August 31

    Edit | Reply
    Ok, so i will be totally honest and say that this wasn't my favourite piece of yours, but i still liked it!! it was a good read and the name Mr.ILL is quite comical lol


    • Lekos Memory
      September 1
      Edit | Reply
      Yeah this one isn't everyones cup of tea. This is one of my higher thinking, strategy stories and still a working process.


  • Chanel xxxx
    August 25

    Edit | Reply
    I didn't really like this, I thought it was a bit boring and think it could use some improvment to make it more interesting and exciting.
    Maybe by starting with who the main character is, so the reader can get to know them and there personality a bit more before you launch into the story. Maybe explain at the start what the character is doing there and so on.
    Thanks for entering


    • Lekos Memory
      August 25
      Edit | Reply
      Haha thanks for your honest opinion. we can't please everyone. Good luck hosting your contest.

  • scifibob
    August 11

    Edit | Reply

    Thrilling

    I know you're on to something with this. Mr Ill has the makings of a top notched bad guy. Just make sure you give him at least one redeeming quality to make him more human. Good job with the thought process as he waits for the bullit to hit.

    In the begining it is a little confusing as to who is speaking. "As if someone had heard his thought, another man appeared on the top of the roof." You might want to add his name, such as ; Vlad, his assistant.

    Two technical points. One: A rifle can not shoot twenty miles. A mile and a half at best. Two: You don't need Ill to have a cell phone and have the guard call him when he already has the walkie talkies. Also, cell phone calls can be traced and Ill wouldn't make that kind of mistake.

    beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.


  • Miss Recondite
    August 10

    Edit | Reply
    Hm, very interesting. I would say sniper rifle, not sniper gun, lol. *;p*

    I would also use a 50 caliber. For some odd reason. I love 50 calibers.

    I love this story, although it didn't seem very well written compared to the others I've read. Good job anyway!


  • Everpurple
    July 31

    Edit | Reply
    Have you kept going with this? It would be a great action/thriller novel. It just makes me wonder what Mr. ILL has against the president, or if its just for game. Tehe, I love these kind of stories. I remember a quote that said, when in doubt, bring in a guy with a gun. I loved it!


  • EyeOfTheBlizzard
    July 22

    Edit | Reply
    Lol, I remember you telling me about Mr. ILL a long time ago. It's nice to actually meet him on paper. I hope you start up on this one because Mr. ILL kicks some serious ass. Love the name too. Creepy and sick in a way.


  • Jack Necron
    July 14

    Edit | Reply
    This was awesome, and I can see this being a great superhero tale. Actually, I wonder who the hero will be.

    Mr. Ill was great. He is sinister, calculating, and down right evil. He loves to kill people, and that defines a powerful villain.

    The way you described how he was waiting for bullet to reach it's target was perfect. The countdown to it and the thoughts that came with it. I liked the suspense most of this story had. I hope to see more of it.

    • Lekos Memory
      July 15
      Edit | Reply
      Oh boy I'm so glad you liked it. ^_^ Mr. ILL is one of my all time favorite killer. There is a lot more to him than what you just read. Not to mention the hero is pretty unique to in his own way.

      I had to gamble with the countdown thing. Some people didn't like, some people did. I thought it should a sort of creep, sacrastic, cold part of him really when he was counting by Mississippi. But that's how i pictured it so I don't know if it came out in the writing.

      Thanks again.


  • Marisalyn13
    July 2

    Edit | Reply
    This was a beautiful story. When I first saw the title: Mr. ILL I didnt know what to expect. But from the first sentence to the last, it was amazing.


  • Tricia3 gold member
    July 1
    Edit | Reply

    Mr. Ill sounds like quite

    a villian. You have a very good opening there and it was written really well. Good luck with your story.
    Trish


  • onaya3
    July 1

    Edit | Reply

    There are some good nuances here...

    ...such as I love that his cell phone has the Halloween theme for its ring tone Mr. Ill seems well thought out and this is a good beginning.

    I do have some editorial suggestions, if I may? Some of your sentences are very stop-start which interferes with the flow of the plot. To really capture the audience and pull them into the action, you could also break up some of your paragraphs? I'll give you an example using paragraph 14.

    “Good,” said Mr. ILL, as he took off his long, leather coat to throw it at the guy along with the velvet cloth.

    Underneath he was wearing a black, sleeveless shirt and a pair of torn-up jeans. He went to the very edge of the building and got down onto his stomach with the sniper gun in his hand.

    The sniper gun was made by him along with the bullets. It could shot twenty miles away with perfect aim, so it was the best tool if you wanted a nice and easy assassination. He was about three miles away from the White House and there weren’t any buildings blocking his view. He could actually see right through the window of the President office.

    The flag was down, meaning that the President was away but Mr. ILL didn’t care. It wasn’t the President he wanted to shoot; it was his daughter and tonight was the only night he would be able to get her alone...

    This is just my feedback anyways so please feel free to use what is helpful and disregard the rest.

    beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.

    • Lekos Memory
      July 1
      Edit | Reply
      As always I welcome all the help I can get. Thank you so much for reading and pointing out some stuff that I can improve on.

  • graybeard silver member
    June 30

    Edit | Reply
    Hey Angelic Dragon,
    An interesting premise you're working with here. It's somewhat hard to follow with all the tense changes though. I would suggest you read this over again and and put the tenses in order. I'd change the distance at which the weapon was accurate. Seems you've forgotten to take the Earth's curvature into account. A little clean-up will make this read much better.


    • Lekos Memory
      July 1
      Edit | Reply
      Oh thank you. I didn't even realize that I had the wrong tense in places. Thanks.

  • Cephalic
    June 29

    Edit | Reply
    "...a dead tree covered with barbwire and right beside it, he had the word ILL burned in."

    That's badass. As is the name 'Mr. Ill'

    Interesting effort. Could maybe use a bit more variety/sophistication with the descriptive details. Becomes a bit formulaic to read if you know what I mean...and then this happened, and so and so looked like this and, and, and. Fine idea though. And yeah, 'Mr. Ill', so sweet.

    • Lekos Memory
      June 29
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for the tips. Everyone knows I can use them. Lol, I hope to make Mr. ILL a total badass. Hopefully that will happen. It will take some work. Thanks for reading it.

      • Cephalic
        June 29
        Edit | Reply
        If you want to improve your skills in descriptive writing (don't we all) I find certain poets very useful. People like Wordsworth (The Prelude) and the beats in particular (Ginsberg, Corso, Ferlinghetti) Maybe check some out for ideas if you haven't already. It's strange these days as a good vocabulary doesn't have the importance it once enjoyed. Text speak and all that. Anyway.


  • DanQnA gold member
    June 29

    Edit | Reply
    Interestingly, I couldn't get a picture of Mr ILL except that he was in leather. Also, the gritty realistic environment didn't quite match him making his own gun to that level of perfection (in my mind). As a suggestion, you could have also included an element of urgency, or brought it into more focus in the story, because he only had 10 minutes before it would rain. (add to which, for realism, rain is normally accompanied by gusty wind making sniping at long distance much harder).

    In paragraph 14, perhaps change 'It could shot twenty miles' to 'shoot'. Good work though, it must have been interesting because I read the whole thing!

    • Lekos Memory
      June 29
      Edit | Reply
      Did you read paragraph 11? That describes what he looks like. I see you points there and thank you. This novel is a working process so it needs help. Lol. Thank you I will have to make some more changes to it on my next editing round


  • C.rimsonQ.uill
    June 28
    Edit | Reply
    Oh my gosh! This was amazing! Please make this into a series. I'd really love to read them.


  • Whispers silver member
    June 28

    Edit | Reply

    Just "meh" for me

    It was alright. The beginning drew me in but, as I read further, it lost my interest due to the lack of description. A solid write nevertheless.

    • Lekos Memory
      June 28
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for your honest opinion. Rarely do I get that. I don't think everyone whos read it thought it was great. Lol. It's nice to see someone stepping up and calling as it is. *salutes to ya*


  • Chewits
    June 28
    Edit | Reply
    Very good! Such a gripping story please write more!


  • Mistress Cheetah
    June 28
    Edit | Reply
    ZOMG U HAVE TO WRITE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!! that was awesome!


  • EmeraldEyes8401
    June 26

    Edit | Reply

    Cool

    I would love to see what is going to happen. This was quite interesting. Hope to see some more from you.


  • Shadow Pixie
    June 25

    Edit | Reply
    Interesting. It's not usually the type of thing I would go for, but in your case I liked it. You have a good writing style.
    Thanks for the entry, good luck!


  • Asfand
    June 24

    Edit | Reply
    An assasination attempt, very nice. I liked this. It was refreshing compared to the dozens of murderous psychos out there. There was motive over here, materialistic motive. Good read! Thanks for entering and good luck!


  • Benny Christ
    June 24
    Edit | Reply
    Rather interesting, I've like to read more.^-^


  • grampabob1946
    June 24

    Edit | Reply

    You have a skill beyond your years!

    Paragraph 4 You write "...around him tighter." I would write it, "...around him tightly."
    Paragraph 6 "...he had heard some stories about this guy that made him wish he had never heard them."
    I would use the words "sniper's rifle" instead of "sniper gun".
    Instead of writing, "They have been practicing this for a year just to make it go quick and smoothly. " I would make it "...make if quick and smooth."
    would take the "Not to mention," out adds nothing to the plot.


  • Unice the geek
    June 22

    Edit | Reply
    an interesting murderous plot. it is truely amazing what people think of today. you are one of the great minds of our generation. thank you for entering my contest. i hope to see more of your work soon.


  • DreamWanderer gold member
    June 22

    Edit | Reply
    Decided to read a story of yours at random ;-) Mr Ill. What a name. Halloween theme song lol Good premise and imagination. There's some wrinkles, but then again, it's still a draft. The "One Mississippi" part was excellent pacing, our anti-hero does come across as cold. Some points:

    "The guy" and "The man" exchange at the beginning... difficult. A name or title for one would help.

    Chapter 6: ...the leather coat and then stopped ... "and then" is superfluous. No formal editor would allow this. One or the other is enough. Personally, I use "then" to describe one event after another, "and" to describe events happening at the same time. This, of course, is a matter of taste.

    Tense errors. Very, very common for everybody. I caught one in chapter 22: The second last sentence is future, the last sentence present. Another editor's flag. Rule of thumb: dialogue stays present, descriptions kept in the past. Naturally there are exceptions, but you have to watch for that. I have to be careful of these myself.

    Other nitpicks, but I'll stop here. I don't want to come across the pedantic know-it-all. I've made all these errors myself and I learnt and [I hope] improved by having others point these things out ;-)

    Keep writing :-)

    • Lekos Memory
      June 22
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks. Lol, don't worry about nitpicking at it too much. I can really use the help and point outs or else I will never find it. I am hoping to make this into a really good story. Thanks for reading it.


  • Violette silver member
    June 21

    Edit | Reply
    Ah, an assination story, I must say they are a real rarity on this site, thankyou for the pleasure. I could really relate to this due to the bitter and sarcastic tones your character used. Great work.


  • CallMeWhenUrRich
    June 20

    Edit | Reply
    Haha I like the sarcasm. And the name.
    And how cruel he is...Hmm, I don't know why but I just adore reading this sort of stories.

    Nice job!


  • Andiness
    June 20

    Edit | Reply
    I liked this, one of the best assassination stories I've read in a VERY long time. It kept me in from beginning to ned (and thats saying something considering I have a friend nagging me to go jump in our pool right now!)

    But, in paragraph 10, calling him a retard seemed very immature for someone like Mr. ILL, he doesn't seem like the immature type in the least. And saying retard man and then repeating the word man was too much. You shouldn't, in my opinion of course, use the same words that close to each other (except in cases where you have to use the word 'that' together, thats an exception of course).

    I liked the mississippi thing. At first I thought that was rather immature sounding as well, but, as I read on, I liked it. It made him seem extremely smart aleck, like he was mocking a child or something and it was a great touch.

    -Andi

    • Lekos Memory
      June 20
      Edit | Reply
      The only reason why I used retard was becuase my mother wanted to read it I'd else I would have used a better more appropraite word that Mr.ILL would have said. Lol. I think I'll change it on her since she doesn't to on here.
      Mr. ILL is definitely a smart aleck and will be a very fun character to write. Thanks for reading and commenting.


  • Jennywinnie
    June 20

    Edit | Reply
    ...he figured it'd be about ten before IT STARTED pouring...

    This is very creative...

    So is "HE" the super hero?

    I love the sarcasm in p10!

    Oh ok HE is the villian...you might give me some indication sooner.

    This is really suspenseful!

    ....It could SHOOT...

    Dude he's cruel!

    This is great, can't wait to read the hero's view poin

    • Lekos Memory
      June 20
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you. ^_^
      Mr.ILL is my first actually villain story. I wanted to see how people would react to him before I wrote more. Thanks for pointing out some of my mistakes. Lol. My grammar still sucks but I like to think that it's getting slightly better.

      Thanks for hosting the contest and good luck on judging.


  • colinlinder
    June 19

    Edit | Reply
    Interesting character, this Mr. Ill. I'd be interested to read more, see him a little more fleshed out.
    Careful with your description of characters ... sounds more like telling than describing.
    For example:

    It was his first time seeing the man’s face and he wasn’t prepared for it. The man’s eyes were bright maroon. He had dirty, red hair that barely touched his shoulders. He had a scar that was from his right cornered mouth to his ear. He also had scars all over his hands. People had said that on his back, he had a tattoo of a dead tree covered with barbwire and right beside it, he had the word ILL burned in.

    is better described like this:

    It was his first time seeing the man’s face and he wasn’t prepared for it. His eyes were an unnaturally bright maroon and the deep scar that started slightly below his right ear stopped just short of the corner of a sneering mouth. His dirty red hair barely touched his shoulders and more scars criss-crossed both of his hands, rippling across his skin like so many snakes as he reached out to grasp the package. It was now easy to believe the rumors of the tattoo on his back, a dead tree covered with barbwire and right beside it, he had the word ILL burned in.

    beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 3, dialog: 4, characters: 3.

    • Lekos Memory
      June 19
      Edit | Reply
      Ah thank you. My weakest point is descriptions. I can see my characters in 3-D in my mind but I have a tough time writing it in a way in paper. I used to be worst bit I'm slowly getting better. Thank you for your help. I can really use it.


  • Dark Legend
    June 18

    Edit | Reply
    p-5 leathered coal?

    This is cool. Very cool. I love the name Mr. Ill. Very creative. Somehow this reminded me of Wanted. seen the movie?

    the writing here is also top-notch. pretty good job.

    • Lekos Memory
      June 18
      Edit | Reply
      haha...I must be getting better with my grammar. Sweet. I bow to you.

      Yup I seen the movie Wanted. That's where I got the idea about the gun. Don't worry not going to do a repeat of Wanted. I just wanted a cool gun. lol

1 - 45 of 45